I miss Paul Wellstone.

Woah.

You know that thing you see on some web-forms, where you're supposed to "type the words in this box", and they're all skewed, and it's supposed to prevent spammers and bots from using the form?

Yahoo makes you do that now before forwarding an email to multiple recipients. Insane.

Here's an interesting way of looking at election results and the spread of votes across the country: Maps and cartograms of the 2004 US presidential election results.

From my brother's fiance's blog:

Wednesday, November 03, 2004
4 More Years?

---

4 more years of worrying about Leroy having to go back to Iraq (or who knows where)...
4 more years of fearing being a widow at the age of 25...
4 more years of being unemployed...
4 more years with no health insurance...
4 more years of budget cuts...
4 more years of poverty...

STUPID AMERICANS AND THEIR ONE ISSUE VOTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU TO THOSE OF YOU WHO VOTED FOR BUSH FOR CONDEMNING ME AND MY FAMILY TO ANOTHER FOUR YEARS OF HELL!!!!!!

Canada is looking mighty good right now. Or perhaps teaching over seas.

posted by Amber @ 1:29 PM

That's one way to say it.

I've not, for the most part, had to deal yet with death on a personal level. I mean, my grandfather died when I was two. I don't remember him at all. A cousin died at sixteen about four years ago, but he grew up across the country from me and I never really knew him. Recently one of my great aunts passed away, but I only have vague memories of seeing her at family reunions when I was a child. I've had a number of pets pass away, but it's not the same, you know?

That's it.

None of my friends have ever passed away. None of my daily acquaintances. All of my immediate family is healthy. My living grandfather got very sick once, but he got better. Nobody that I've ever been really close to has died.

How will I handle it when I am suddenly confronted with death?

I don't know how to deal with people I am close to when they are confronted with death. I don't know how to relate. I feel suddenly inadequate.

Can I really understand the life and death cycle on a deeper level without ever having been confronted with it?

I think I still have, to the core of my bones, some misguided feeling that I am immortal. That I always have been, just as I am now, and always will be.

Also, I think I have the same notions in relation to everyone I am close to, to family, to friends. To anyone I love. They will always be, just as they are now. I know it's irrational, but some deep part of me still feels it.

Do most people feel that way?

Some people?

Is it just me?

It's all so irrational, but so deep within me. How will I get by when I am actually faced with death, when these deeply held beliefs all crumble?

I am sad.

Now isn't that sexy?

Jon said that he'll marry me if Bush wins a second term. I'm prepared for the worst -- Canada, I've got you on my radar.

I nearly cried on the table last night.

We were doing energy work. I'm actually a bit of a skeptic when it comes to energy work; it sounds like a lot of feel-good goopy hocus pocus to me. People may break down when I massage them because their muscles can hold emotions within? We need to remember the emotional and spiritual connection when thinking about mind/body, because it's all interconnected? Maybe, but I'll withhold judgment for now. I believe in the things I can see.

So anyway, we were doing hands-on energy work. Broke up into groups of three; a counselor, a scribe, and a client. I got to be the client first.

So my upper rib muscles and the muscles over my sternum have been sore the last few weeks. I'm not sure why. I've figured it's something to do with the dancing I'm doing recently; I'm using new muscles in ways I haven't before, and they are sore as a result. The soreness is a good sign.

On a whim, when asked where my 'counselor' should do her hands-on work with me, I indicated that my upper ribs should be touched. I lay down on the table, she touched...

And man, it was emotional.

I had images of cold steel, hard, light glinting off of it. Where her hands were, all gray. The rest of my body, red, warm, but still cold where our connection was, that part of my body, her hands. The image shifted a bit to steel padlocks, a lock, locked. Her hands, the connection, felt so far away. Here I was, but that part of me was almost unreachable, was somewhere else. And I felt inexplicably sad. And I almost cried. It took a while to come down from that, even after she stopped touching me.

I don't know if there are actually emotions locked away in those muscles, or what the deal was, but it was an emotional experience. Maybe there is something to all this energy stuff, and I need to just be open to it? I don't know.

Later on, when I was 'the counselor', my client asked that I put my hands on her forehead, with my fingers cupped over her eyes. I did. She visualized this, visualized that... then asked that the pressure be a little less. I realized that I was putting some of my own energy into her, that I wasn't being really open to the messages coming from her body, wasn't listening to what was coming from her. I let up the pressure.

Momentarily, a vision come to me of her head as a glowing white-green ball of energy, much like the bauble Eilonwy carried about with her in The Black Cauldron. I listened. And she felt a difference, and her experience was deepened, improved. That she could feel a difference when all that had changed was the way that I was thinking, receiving her... I dunno. That's something, too.

Then I went dancing, and I swear, I was aware of people's energy in a way I'm usually not, and it made my dancing better.

I don't know what all this is about, or if I can be aware like that more of the time, if I can cultivate an energy awareness. Our teacher last night talked about quantum physics, how if we studied it, we would learn that we all have pockets of energy rooted in our bodies, more commonly known as auras. Magnetic fields and such. It's so outside the realm of things I know, have been taught, have believed in. But is that cause for me to cast a quick judgment and throw it all out the window?

My upper chest muscles are still sore. Not as much as they have been, but whatever's going on, physical, spiritual, emotional, whatever - it's still there.

Creepy! I browsed to The State Quiz from some girl's blog, which I had in turn browsed to off of my youngest sister's blog. It pegged this particular person as "Nebraska", her childhood home state. Then I took the quiz, and it pegged me as Minnesota, the state where I spent my childhood.

You're Minnesota!

You love hanging out around lakes, even if they're frozen solid. Given your probable Scandanavian heritage, it all just demonstrates that you're pining for the fjords. Your obsession with wrestling got a little carried away for a while there, and this should prompt some serious reflection about the separation of mind and body. It may be time to celebrate, even throw your hat up in the air. You're going to make it after all.

Take the State Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

6 questions, 64 possible outcomes, and it manages to link me to Minnesota.

Why not Guam, or Idaho, or The Moon? Crazy.

From MSNBC:

FDA approves computer chip for humans

Medical milestone or privacy invasion? A tiny computer chip approved Wednesday for implantation in a patient’s arm can speed vital information about a patient’s medical history to doctors and hospitals. But critics warn that it could open new ways to imperil the confidentiality of medical records. . .

How crazy is that? Kinda scary, I think.

1. My butterfly has passed on. This before I was able to snap a picture. I suppose I could snap a picture of his corpse and post it still.


2. The last several nights in a row I've had nightmares all night long. I meant to post about them all, but I don't think I can right now (see item 4). At least some of them involved seeing a bear attack and maul people I know, and being pushed around by several dirty cops, led by Ian McKellen who, for whatever reason, was the chief of police (and a dirty bastard at that).


3. For the first time in my life, I had a knife pulled on me. So much excitement. I'll post about it later; if I don't, remind me.


4. I'm sick. Caught a goddamned cold, from my goddamned roommate. I planned not to be sick, but man, I went and screwed that up. So now I'm all busy feeling sorry for myself and stuff. Oh, woe is me, I have work in the morning. Oh, woe is me, I have school all the time. Oh, woe is me, I have so much homework to do. Oh, woe is me, I've no one to take care of me, and I'm in no shape to take care of myself. Woe, woe, woe. I might just cry myself a river.

More (and more sensical) updates to come, when I am less under the weather.

I HAVE A BUTTERFLY!!! It's a boy -- I've discovered this from the wing pattern. HE HATCHED! Isn't that super-awesome?!

Pictures soon to come. I would take them now, except my roommate isn't here, and I don't know where he's put his camera.

Butterfly butterfly butterfly! My first baby butterfly! I've never hatched a butterfly before; I'm so very, very proud. I'm going to be such a good mommy. I just fed him and put him into a bigger container. I am going to let him free, but I'm going to wait until daytime. Right now it's dark, rainy, and cold. Not the ideal environment in which to send off your first child to fend for themself.

BUTTERFLY!

I'm so, so excited!

Pictures soon, both of he in his cocoon, and of he now, wings and all. Promise.

I'm feeling much better this morning. Christa got in last night; it's nice to have her around again. Good times with the roommates.

---

So anyway, I'm working again now. Yesterday was my first full day.

Had I mentioned that my last contract ended because MS wanted to outsource the work I was doing to India?

Ironically, my new contract is through an Indian company, but back again at MS. Full circle.

---

It's a small, small world -- it turns out that I'm in the same cube-farm as CRM Product Management. So strange seeing folks from the old team wandering around the hallways at work. I'm not sure I'll get used to that.

Being sick, working full time, and going to school all at once is a bit overwhelming. I wish I had someone to take care of me. I want someone to cook me soup and pour me orange juice and make my life all better.

I haven't been able to publish for two days, but blogger just sent me an email that seems to indicate publishing will work now. Here goes!

I just took the TIPP Learning Assessment for my massage school. I was inclined to dismiss the resulting profile as bunk, although some does seem to fit me (espeically within the "Areas to Develop" section). Following are some excerpts from its assessment of me -- if you feel like reading through them, let me know what you think.

. . .

INDIVIDUAL DESCRIPTION
In the playground of your mind, you learn through relationship and can see the relationships that exist between objects, concepts and people. Whether through instructors, work associates or more personal connections -- these relationships are key to how you learn best.

You are a people person. While some view the learning relationship as a component of their learning process, for you, it determines whether you learn. The relationship, and sometimes even the person(s) involved, acts as a guide - directing you on your learning journey - to a greater level of self-understanding and personal knowledge. Thus, mentors who encourage self-discovery are likely the instructors to whom you are most drawn.

You enjoy the act of communication almost as much as relationships themselves. Language, whether written or spoken, is used to develop deeper, clearer, more meaningful relationships - which in turn, help you to experience learning in a meaningful way. No doubt you have spent hours sharing your thoughts and feelings, opinions and attitudes and relationship perceptions with the "teachers" in your life. The time spent, while socially satisfying, provided you with an opportunity to implement the very language you love.

It should be noted that learning relationships are not exclusive to people. These meaningful connections can also include animals. Although odd to some, you may find that one (or more) of your most significant emotional relationships involves a beloved pet. Depending on your social circle or your introverted or extraverted preference, your pet might serve as a major learning relationship. Your language may not be the same, however, given your gift for creative communication, any existing language barriers are likely broken down.

Typically, your performance in traditional learning arenas (school, classrooms, etc.) is directly related to the subject matter and the facilitator. A preference for the humanities (behavioral sciences, language, literature, philosophy, etc.) accentuates your social interest. However, when the instructor is not relationally oriented and doesn't provide learning activities or offer individualized support, the material becomes much less engaging -- once again emphasizing the value of the learning relationship.

Your ability to grasp theory is high. This has to do with your natural inclination to approach things in a relational way. In fact, one of your greatest strengths is the ability to analyze and articulate general themes and patterns in communication and social behaviors. To share your discoveries with others is your personal pleasure and one of the many ways you contribute to the lives of those around.

Although there is a traditional quality to your learning process, your need for personal enrichment freedom over shadows most of your conventional perspectives. The ultimate search for meaning, is likely one of your objectives, both in life and in learning. Thus, you may view traditional attitudes as a limit to your learning success. However, when structured as an opportunity for self-discovery and the freedom to experiment, even more formal learning activities are appreciated.

Finally, you learn by gathering information through your five senses. Although you are drawn to "the metaphor" or may search for the deeper meaning of someone's behaviors, your initial introduction to any learning material should be by sight. You take in material best through our eyes. You need to see what is asked of you. You need to see and/or read the directions. Reinforcing what you have seen through experiential learning opportunities helps you to internalize the information even more.

. . .

AREAS TO DEVELOP
Although your people-orientation and ability to communicate are great strengths, focusing on them alone can limit your learning experience. For example, words without action can result in simply talking about doing something, but never really following through. While learning about a particular subject, you could find that you'd rather share your thoughts and feelings about the topic instead to studying it in depth or developing the skills necessary to implement it fully. Certainly the learning process is valuable overall. But don't forget, the result of most learning experiences includes both process and product - the combination of which demonstrates personal growth and discernable learning success.

Given the significance of the learning relationship, you might have a tendency to obsess on or romanticize those with whom you're connecting. Once you encounter a relationship that invites the process of meaningful self-discovery, you never forget it. In fact, it is often hard to relinquish when the time comes to do so. Being mindful of that, we encourage you to remember that every relationship has a beginning and an end. It has an ultimate purpose. When you realize the purpose of each relationship, the need to hold on becomes less intense. Thus, the learning process remains about you and your ability to learn -- instead of focused on the other person or the relationship that's shared.

Last but not least - remember your playful learning quality. Learning through play is important and can be extremely valuable. It can help you live more in the present and celebrate the temporary. Consider this scenario the next time something big is required of you: Your editor calls you with a hundred revisions to your latest draft. Instead of stewing over the criticism or simply the work that is required, head for your nearest playground. Hop on a swing and feel your stomach do somersaults and the wind on your face. When you're done, keep that sensual memory handy for when you begin writing. Getting back in your body can help you get out of your head. Besides, your heart writes all the true stories.

. . .

As I've been finishing up my move and sorting through contents of boxes that haven't seen the light of day for 10 years, I've come across some old poetry. I'm going to post it, here and there. Be warned that some of it is a little dark.

---

desperate consumption of
salt water sex
trying to satiate an
all-consuming thirst.
loneliness,
empty.
my lips crack painfully
hard tanned leather

. (I fall back to frightened child
. trying to hold at bay
. phalic games, talk
. limbs of a too big alien culture
. But my hands are too small
. pebbles swept away by the flood
. A man-driven storm
. ravages my small ragdoll
. limp beaten form)

must pump harder
faster
engage the thrill
what once devastated
will surely be my salvation
drink more
yet the thirst grows

. (Broken, sobbing
. he has poured my cup out
. Puddle on the floor
. ever pooling out of reach)

salt eating away
dry chapped empty hole consuming

by Kathryn Krueger, written in April of 2000.


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

My caterpillar is pupating! How awesome is that? I snapped a few pictures and will post one sometime soon. Try to contain yourself until then, okay?

Yesterday I was eating some fresh broccoli when, lo and behold, I noticed a caterpillar nestled under the florets! He looks like this:



I named him Moses, for although he was not found hiding away in a basket amongst the river weeds, he was found hiding away amongst my broccoli florets, and I set him up in a glass on my table. Inside the glass I put his bit of broccoli, a branch and some leaves from a neighborhood tree, and several drops of water. I covered the top with saranwrap, and punched a number of holes in the wrap to allow him oxygen and airflow.

Moses was slow and lethargic when we first discovered him, but has become much more active. I suppose he was cold, living in my crisper drawer, and is much happier now that he has warmed up.

When I sat down to eat my breakfast this morning, I peeked into his new abode and noticed a mass of yellow-green balls piled at the bottom of the glass. Eggs? Perhaps there will be many Moses Juniors in a short time!

Chris and I think he is an Imported Cabbageworm, the species shown in the picture above. I'm hoping that he will pupate here in our kitchen. He would be the first butterfly I've ever raised.