Isn't it fitting that my birthday this year falls on the UK's Mothering Sunday?

pants (part 2)

You know what will make you feel fat? When you go to put on your pants and the button pops off and goes flying across the room.

I guess it's time
to make time
to go shopping.

You know our country is struggling with some serious systematic issues when China is the one pointing its finger at US for human rights violations (and has some valid points).

12 weeks in,
10 pounds heavier
and I have no pants that fit anymore

I'm afraid to buy new ones
because they'll stop fitting in a month, too

I've been told more and more frequently
that I am beautiful and looking super-cute
I don't know if it's the "glow" or not
it's certainly not the wardrobe

On Smoking (An interesting opposing viewpoint to current society hype)

I'm sure there's a good reason, evoluntionarily speaking, for this whole pregnancy sickness thing, but I'm getting really sick of hanging over the bloody toilet puking my guts out all the bloody time.

It took me three and a half hours to drive home from work today. Three and a half hours. I work 14 miles from my home.

When I left work, it took me 50 minutes to get from the 40th St on-ramp onto 520 to get to 405. This normally takes about 5 minutes. 10, maybe, on a bad day. By that time, I had figured out the reason for the back-up -- the 520 bridge was closed "due to high winds". 405 South had a crazy stop and go wait line to even get on the highway, so I figured I'd take 405 North. It would maybe take a little longer, but if it was moving, it was an improvement; I was starting to get really tired of sitting still.

405 North was moving maybe 20-40 miles an hour. So I'm driving on my merry way, when I see a sign that says highway 522 to Seattle, or something like that. I'm not familiar with this highway, I had thought I would drive all the way to the intersection with I-5, but at this point I'm pretty sure I'm farther north than the upper edge of Lake Washington and it's probably a good shortcut over.

Except that it's the worst shortcut ever.

It's more stop and go than the highway has been. Turns out it's a city highway, with traffic lights every few blocks, and traffic is barely moving. I could walk 10 times faster. But I keep hoping it will get better - I'm an optimist, yo. At one point, I stop at a red light, and some asshole comes blazing up behind me, honking his horn, actually bumps his car into mine, and then pulls squealing around me to run the red light. Yeah. Being an asshole is going to get you there way faster. Dumbass. At this point I am starting to get pretty stressed out myself. And angry. There is this little ball of anger growing in my stomach. Not too near the baby, I hope, because that can't be nice stuff to sit near.

Did I mention that I'm starting to get really hungry? And that when I get hungry, I get morning-sick? So in addition to being just plain old pissed off, I'm getting really nauseous.

Nearly an hour later, maybe 5 or 10 miles from my starting point on 405, I think - what if there's a parallel road just to the south and it's less crowded? So I work my way south, hoping to continue making my way east and south into Seattle on a road that is actually moving, but I get my directions all switched around and before I know it I'm back on 405. Except I'm 10 miles further south than I was when I left it. So I decide to go south after all - it's several hours later now anyways, the traffic should be getting better, right? Except that it's not. It's still stop and go. There are 5 accidents that I pass on the way. Everyone else is angry and stressed out and driving like shit. When traffic finally starts moving a bit, people are all driving like asses. 5-10 SUVs cut me off along the way. I guess I should feel lucky that I didn't get in any accidents myself.

Finally got home, only to find that I had missed a lesson I was supposed to teach by about 5 minutes, and the guy had come and gone.

When I left work, I meant to drive home, stop at the store, pick up some produce, meat, and cook up a nice dinner. I was planning to have such a relaxing evening. But now the evening's almost done, I haven't eaten anything, I messed up with my lesson, my body is all cramped and freaking out from sitting in the car for 3 1/2 hours, and everything's shot.

At this point, I am angry, irrational, feeling sick, upset, and can't handle anything. Everything and everybody pisses me off for no reason at all. I storm around a little bit, look in the refridgerator for something to eat, get frustrated, kick the fridge, drop to the floor, and cry hysterically for a while.

Well.

I'm done crying now, and feeling a bit more rational. But I'm still angry and upset. And for what? For a stupid drive that took a little too long? Yeah, that's worth it. Really.

I hate when negative emotions take me hostage like this. I hate being so, so angry. And feeling helpless. And being irrational and emotional and freaking out my roommates with my self-indulgent tantrum.

Is this hormones? Or is it traffic? Or is it just me?

I'd be happy really, never to drive again. Once I stop working on the east side, I don't think I will ever really want to go back. People over there can come over here. I don't want to have to cross those stupid bridges again.

My dog has taken to doing this super-cute thing where, sometimes the cat will just get too much under his skin and he'll lose control and lunge toward it, maybe a foot or two in that general direction, growling madly -

but then, before he gets anywyere, he thinks to himself, "Bad dog!" and banishes himself to my bedroom for half an hour or so. This is without anyone else saying anything at all. After due time he will come out again, penitent and ready to be a peaceful member of the household.

Louie will be glad that, in just a day or two, the cat's owners will come to collect it.

In other news, my employer didn't pay me again this pay period. @#$@%.

w00t!

Last week, I turned in the last of my outstanding assignments for school.

Today, I retook the SOAP Charting portion of my Advanced Massage Practical Exam, and...I passed!

So now, I just wait until they've finished grading the work I handed in, and then I will graduate! They will send me a diploma! How crazy is that?

There are still certification exams to take (and pass) before I can practice in WA, of course, but look! I'm almost there!

I am becoming two separate people.

One is confident, excited, espousing to friends and family my joy and enthusiasm. Animated, purposeful. Planning, saving, building. A strong face, and a public face.

The other is fearful. Worried. This is a private face, only shows when I am alone. When I am this person, I feel as if I am an inferior man-made structure facing an unyielding storm. My levies are leaking, creaking with the weight of the water. In these private moments I cry, I rock myself back and forth, I feel the ground slipping beneath me.

What does it mean, that these facets of myself are becoming more distinct? Could this separation be an expression of underlying weakness? I do believe that it is good for parents to show their children strength, unification, sureness and conviction. To be able to take their doubts and hesitations and keep them private so the child can feel assured and safe. And here I am, on the road to parenthood. But at what point does it become unhealthy, too much, an unnatural and dangerous separation?

...admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

- Bob Dylan, The Times They Are A-Changin'

I spent last weekend down in Portland at a tango festival. It was nice, being active, out and dancing.

At one of the dances, I stopped and said hello to an acquaintance from California. She smiled at me. "I've been great! How are y-" She stopped short, her eyes wide, staring at my belly. "When did that happen?"

I looked down at my belly, then back at her, then back again to my belly (not really all that much bigger than it always has been). "You can see?"

She nodded.

Turns out she has a friend who is about as far along as I am, but still. This is the first time anyone has noticed just by sight.

San Francisco may soon become the first major city to offer free wireless access to all its residents. How awesome is that?

Family Planning

I'll have made it throught the period of greatest risk for birth defects (5-10 weeks) in 1 week and 5 days. By then of the kid's major organs will have formed.

Second trimester begins March 15, 2006. Almost there! Just 4 weeks to go and the risk for miscarriage will drop dramatically. Happily, my morning sickness and fatigue should start getting better.

Third trimester begins June 28, 2006.

!!! !!! !!! Estimated due date: !!! !!! !!!
       Tuesday, September 26, 2006.

That would make my baby a Libra.

Susie says that September is a good month for babies, as all of the following (and she herself) were born in September: Roald Dahl, "Jelly Roll" Morton, H. G. Wells, John Coltrane, William Faulkner, George Gershwin, T.S. Eliot, Ivan Pavlov, Elizabeth I (Queen of England), D.H.Lawrence, and O. Henry.

Our state recently passed a law that prohibits smoking indoors at bars, restaurants, and other public venues.

I hate it.

Why do I hate it? Because I am an avid smoker? No. I haven't smoked for years. Because I feel it infringes on my personal freedom or that of my friends? Not that either. I hate it because it, ultimately, brings the smoke out to me.

Bar patrons who cannot smoke inside congregate outside on the sidewalks to smoke. Our streets are becoming smokey and nasty, and I'm doubly sensitive to it right now as I am pregnant.

In the past, if I didn't want to be around the smoke, I could choose not to enter establishments that allowed smoking. Now I have no choice. It's there on the street en masse.

Update from the trenches

I've started getting the dreaded morning sickness. As if that weren't enough, last week I picked up a flu. The moment the flu abated, I came down with a nasty cold, which I'm still trying to kick.

I'm tired of being sick all the time.

Just once, I'd like to wake up without fighting the urge to run to the bathroom and puke my guts out. And I'd like to sleep later. I am waking up at 5:00 am, 6:00 am, all so that I can spend more time in the morning feeling miserable. Try as I might I can't sleep it off.

Another problem with waking up so early is that I'm crashing earlier at night. 8:00 pm, 9:00 pm roll around and I'm fighting off sleep but it's a losing battle. I don't remember the last time I made it out dancing for anything other than the dance I run - I can't swing it because it's past my bedtime.

I have the strange inkling that I am becoming less fun. What's this about pregnant women having a glow? How do they manage it when they're sick half the time and tired and cranky so early at night?

Sorry for freaking you out, by the way, if you're one of the people who freaked out at the original post.

I mean, really, can't someone deliver news framed with unique, unexpected context without everyone assuming that the news must be bad? I mean, I guess not, considering the responses I've gotten. But it is good news! Really. Seriously.

It's a good thing, by the way. "Congratulations" is an appropriate response - I am so, so excited! My last post didn't really convey it, but you cannot even begin to imagine the level of my excitement. I'm going to be a mother! We're going to provide well for the child and set up a very positive situation for it. Everything is coming together, the future is bright and wonderful, la de la la la. Really.

I have been mopping up blood
from my arm
from the swipe
from the cat we are now catsitting
who is PISSED OFF to be here
and just finished cleaning up piss
a puddle signifying rebellion and revolt
on the living room floor
from the dog
who is PISSED OFF that the cat is here.

oh, and I'm pregnant.

Word from the DJ booth.

Tomorrow I DJ in Portland. I'm a little excited, a little nervous, and a little underwhelmed, all at the same time. I know those sound like maybe they can't all fit together, but somehow they do.

I'm tired. Wondering how I'm going to get enough sleep, wake up as early as I need to, get my work done, get down to Portland, and be rested enough to do well.

Do you get everything done you mean to?

I never do.

My list is, like, 500 things long. Maybe 600. I polish off 5 or 6 each day, or maybe 12 or 15 if it's a really good day, but then there are 12 more I hoped to get to that day but didn't and now I have to put them off for tomorrow. On top of that, another 10 came up out of the blue to add to the queue.

There are chores I've been meaning to do for nearly a decade. Would you believe that there are boxes I packed up 6 years ago that I've moved around with me from apartment to apartment, but haven't gone through in all that time? Well, if you know me well, yes, you would believe that. But still. How sad is that? I always think, "tomorrow", or "next weekend", but then somehow next weekend comes and goes and I never had any of the free time I was expecting and counting on.

It's been drought season for spare time for years now. When will it flood? What will I do when the rains come? Will the rains ever come? What I wouldn't do for a good rainstorm.

Yawn. A week and a half of work and already I feel so tired and stretched thin. I'm 200% more snappy, on a much shorter fuse than I'm used to.

I've been having bad dreams, too. Doesn't help me to feel more rested.

Or to write with any sort of flow.

Yawn.