The world is going crazy. I feel powerless and out of control.

• My bird, one of my favorite birds, died last week.



• I've realized lately that I push away the people I love, and I have come to really regret some of the decisions I have made over the past year. They're not the sort of decisions I can undo.



• The boy my younger sister Mary believes to have been her only love so far just died in a car accident. She's been freaking out all night. I want to be there for her, but I don't know how and she pushes me away. Nobody close to me has ever died before; I don't know how to deal with it. I've been freaking out.
  
  I have this picture burned into my memory of she and he, sitting on my parents' couch, holding hands. Having just read the obituary and an article in the home paper about the accident, I feel sad and sort of numb.



• Another one of Mary's friends had a serious panic attack tonight at the dance, and they had to call a medic van for him. We've got him over at my place now because I didn't think he should go home alone to an empty dorm room quite yet.



• Laurie just said goodbye to a boy she's become quite involved with. She's really sad and I don't know how to be there for her, either.



• Things with Mike are fucked up. I really wanted to fix them and make everything better, but I am powerless to. It takes two people, both of whom want to make a difference, to mend a relationship -- and, well, he's not in a place right now where he's interested in contributing anything to that end.



• I never realized what an asshole Mike could be until tonight. I needed him and he failed me.
  
  All of this going on so I pulled him aside for a moment -- I wanted to let him know both to be conscious of the fact that Mary was having a hard time, since he is a friend to her, and I wanted to get a little bit of support from him because I was feeling massively overwhelmed. He glared at me the whole time as if I had committed a cardinal sin. I'm not sure why he was so pissed that I took him away from the dance for that short while, but it made what was already an overwhelmingly stressful night all that much worse. Then, to top it off, he didn't speak to me or aknowledge me for the rest of the night, except to glare at me on the way out.
  
  On the bright side, if it is a bright side, he's making it easier for me to get over him.