I deal poorly with rejection.

You know those sad, desperate figures in novels and movies who can't move on, who lose all sense of dignity in constant desperate attempts to mend relationships that are unsalvageable? You watch and you think, "What is wrong with that woman -- how can she be so stupid? Does she have no sense of reality?"

That is what I become when I am rejected.

I read some article a while back that asserted that gifted children, upon reaching adulthood, have more trouble than anyone else in dealing with failure and rejection. Because they were able to achieve anything they wanted to as children, they fail to develop adequate coping skills for coming in second or third or for being turned entirely away. Failures that wouldn't phase other adults can be devastating to the now-grown-gifted-child.

Emotionally, perhaps I am that like that. Maybe for much of my life I was always able to gain people's affection if I wanted it, to convince them that they should accept mine if I decided to give it. I was never the rejectee, only the rejector. I made the choice. And now, when all of a sudden I am in a situation where that is not the case, when I'm not able to make things work even if I want them to work, when someone makes a conscious decision to reject my affection, I wig out. I am unable to understand. It is new, uncharted territory and it scares me, so I act irrationally.

Or maybe I am over-analyzing, rationalizing, so as not to accept responsibility, and I actually am unbalanced. Maybe I tend toward the pathetic for no fathomable reason -- everyone has personality flaws, and this is one of mine.

I don't want to be this way. I want not to care. I want to be the balanced, healthy, strong character in the book that people aspire to become, instead of the desperate figure who lends drama to the story. I've had enough of drama.