I was really depressed earlier tonight. I left in the middle of my swing class; didn't want to be around people anymore. Came home, indulged in some self-pity, had a good cry, took the dog on a walk.

Then, instead of going back to the swing dance, I went to a tango practice. I felt I needed to get out again, but didn't want to be around too many people that I knew. Needed to break my routine, shake things up.

The first hour and a half of tango was utterly boring. There was nobody I knew there. Worse, there was hardly anyone there at all, so nobody to watch. Finally, though, people started showing. I watched some good dances. Then a friendly guy named George asked me to dance. Turns out he also works at Company_B, and knows people from both my old group and my current group. He also used to do Lindy. He liked my dancing and had a pleasant lead, so we danced for a good long while. The first few dances left room to be desired -- I'm so rusty -- but by the last few I was picking it up again. George was impressed enough that he asked me to partner with him for a fairly advanced Tango workshop this weekend. Good times. Then Jaimes showed up and he and I danced the last few dances of the night. Had some awesome, awesome dances; my best tangos so far, perhaps.

Tango ends early, so George asked if I'd like to go along Salsa dancing with him after. Jaimes teased me a little about that, saying that I have some sort of magnetism.

Honestly, I take rejection really poorly. I take it personally. I internalize it, am self-deprecating, come to believe that I'm not good enough, that nobody wants to be close to me, and that the people that are close to me won't always be; eventually they'll wise up and reject me as well. I've been doing that to myself lately. So for someone new to show interest in me -- it shocked me. I haven't been looking for new people to be close to for some time. I assumed nobody would want to be anyway, given a choice.

Then here is Jaimes, all friendly again like he never left, and now here's this new guy who likes me and wants to spend time with me. I felt like I'd finally opened my eyes after sleeping for a long time and the light was blinding me. All the constructs I've been building up recently were suddenly turned inside out, all because I put myself into a new situation and met some new people.

Anyhow, I told George that I would go Salsa dancing, but I needed to stop by the swing dance first and make sure everything was okay there, make sure someone was set to lock up and such. He decided to came with me and we hung out at the swing dance for a little while. I had some good dances there, too, but fled pretty quickly partly because I didn't want to make George wait too long, partly because I still wanted to get away from familiar situations, people I knew. Still feeling a little emotionally tumultuous, and needed the shock of a new environment to keep me from falling back into a depressive state.

So we made it to Salsa. (This was my first Salsa dance ever.) So many people, so loud, so much alcohol, such a different atmosphere. Sensory overload. It is a bit of the meat market I'd heard it rumored to be. George and I danced the rest of the evening together. It took a long time for me to catch on to the movement of Salsa -- so different from Tango or Swing -- although George said he was really impressed at how quickly I dropped the Swing movement that didn't belong and picked up the Salsa movement. By the end of the night I think I was really starting to get it. I'm sore in places that Tango and Swing never cause to be sore. My lower back hurts, maybe from all the hip movement. My legs hurt in different regions than I'm used to. I feel good now though. Tired out. Content.

I saw several people at Salsa that used to Lindy but haven't been around for months or even years. Just disappeared off the face of the planet for all we knew, but apparently just went over to Salsa. Dorks.

So I'm going to do a Tango workshop this weekend. Joy. And I have Salsa to play more with. And a new friend. And going to have lunch with Jaimes sometime soon. I'm also going to get together with Kristi again tomorrow night! Yay. And it's the weekend, so I'll see lots of Alex and Mary.

I'm still feeling down, but there's so much goodness in my life as well. Bittersweet. I'm glad for tonight.