I love having Mary here, and it's great spending so much time with Mike - but wow, it's really nice to have a little time and space all to myself.

So I turned on the TV, just for kicks, and I actually get some sort of reception here, even without bunny ears. Better reception than I ever got in Redmond even with the bunny ears. Imagine if I hadn't broken the old bunny ears. Crazy. Welcome back, old friend TV.

I've been doing more nesting. Today I hit the kitchen with bleach again. I've been methodically working my way through all the cupboards, cleaning and disinfecting, and am about 3/4 of the way through now. I found what I believe to have been a cockroach my second day here - fast little bugger. I haven't seen any of the like since, but I decided to thoroughly disinfect anyway. I don't mind most bugs, but cockroaches are not cool. Spiders are great. They eat the less nice insects, mosquitos in particular. They don't eat my food, and they generally live and shit in far corners or somewhere on the floor. Cockroaches eat bacteria in my kitchen, and roam about and shit in my food. Not cool. I also did more cleaning and general arranging of stuff. Already, this place feels more like home than any other apartment has since I lived with Mike in Minneapolis.

So I've started a diary offline - lately I've come to feel that some things just aren't for everyone's eyes, or even for anybody's eyes outside of my own. I thought about keeping it online in a different, non-publicized location - the exhibitionist in me cries out to write someplace where somebody might eventually come along and read what I've written. Then again, I'm doing this to fulfill a need for an outlet for things too personal to share with anyone, particularly those I'm closest to, and if I write in a public space - well, you might just happen along and find it someday. And you might be hurt or confused or upset at the things I say. We can't have that, now can we? Additionally, there's some appeal to always having the diary with me, at my side, and being able to write in it anytime any place, regardless of net access.

I am also started an accounting notebook and a calendar. There's room in my purse now for all of them, and everything is nicely organized. I feel strangely at peace, having done all this.

Tonight I'm going to go through all the old mail I've been ignoring for months. Catch up on bills, make sure I get change of address notice out to everyone I should get it to, copy all my accounting information over into my accounting notebook - exciting, exciting. Bet you wish you could be sharing this with me.

We have phone at the new place. Mostly. I'm writing from here! And it's starting to feel homey. I've been nesting. I haven't nested in a long time... it feels good.

I haven't had a chance to blog for a while - I'm in the middle of moving, and we don't have phone set up at the new place yet. I just wanted to post a note and say that everything's going well, though. Boy-wise, move-wise, life-wise - I'm flying high. No worries; be happy for me.

Dancing ruled last night. Mike went to the dance and danced with me a lot; it was the first time we've danced so much at a dance in a long time. I really liked it. I was also brave enough to ask several people that I've been intimidated by for a while for dances, and those dances went pretty well. A few people complimented me on my dancing, and several people who haven't danced with me much in the past asked me for multiple dances. All in all, probably the best regular venue dance night I've had in weeks. I mean, Thursday night blues ruled, also, but that wasn't regular venue - that was just an exciting tangent. :)

Mike and I talked a lot yesterday, and things are going better. I'm not quite as unhappy, he's not quite as unhappy, and we're both making an effort to enact change in the relationship. Only time will tell, but it feels like things are headed on a better track now.

I called Mike. Surprise, surprise.

I asked if we could get together to talk sometime. He wanted to right now. I told him that Mary was showering, I needed to shower, and we were going to have lunch with Alex, and suggested we meet in a few hours. He flipped out. He says he doesn't have a problem with waiting, but he has a problem with waiting while I'm "with Alex". It turned into another fight. (This is a recurring issue -- he has a problem with me spending time with any friends. He wants to be my first priority 100% of the time.) Why does he always have to be so fucking jealous and possessive? Alex is my best friend. He was here to pick me up last night when I was falling apart. He will be here for me if things work with Mike. He'll be here for me if things don't. I'm not going to cut him off just because Mike is too jealous to allow me to maintain friendships outside of our relationship.

Sigh.

I stuck by my guns. I'm going to meet with Mike in a few hours. Not sure yet how that'll go. Judging from our conversation right now, it doesn't look good, but things can change.

Ha. Following is an excerpt from a recent post on Yehoodi:

Phlurgs Theorem States:

"In order for a lead and follow to dance together, the lead's center has to be able to move the follow's center."

3) Since what really matters is "Are the leader and follower enjoying dancing together?" I have postulated "Son of Cult of Kimmie HM's Very Special Law of Relativity" (based, in part, on Einstein's prior work) which states:

"A dancer's enjoyment of a dance will vary inversely relative to the amount he or she wants their partner to be dancing differently from the way they are dancing. "

4) The corollary "Son of Cult of Kimmie HM's Extra Special Law of Relativity" states:

"Any dissatisfaction will be exacerbated exponentially if you are dancing with a relative or significant other."

Hah. The corollary explains quite a bit about several dances I've had with Mike.

I talked with Solomon for a while on IM this morning. He is such a flirt; worse than I am, maybe. Very attractive, tallented, geeky but in that sexy way that totally gets me, a bit of an ego, but again, just enough that it's a turn on. Reminds me in many ways of many of the guys I've fallen hard for over the years; Jon, Jeremy, Rob, Mike, Chris. But also very attached to someone else, and it's not like I don't have enough going on in my life, so it's not going to be anything more than friendship and flirting. I have a feeling that it's going to turn into a great friendship, though; I'm really looking forward to getting to know him better.

I'm not strong. I hate ending things. I hate letting things end. I told myself that I wasn't going to call him, that every time I open up or put myself out for him, he lashes out and hurts me, and that I can't keep letting that happen. I told myself that he has to make the first move this time if we're going to make up and fix things. I'm still telling myself that, but I'm not sure I'm going to hold out.

Well, it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
if'n you don't know by now
It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, baby
it don't matter anyhow
When the rooster crows at the break of dawn
look out your window, and I'll be gone
you're the reason I'm travelling on
and don't think twice it's alright

It ain't no use in turning on your light, babe
It's a light I never knowed
It ain't no use in turning on your light, baby -
I'm on the dark side of the road
I wish there were something you could do or say
to try and make me change my mind and stay
we never did too much talking anyway
and don't think twice it's alright

Ain't no use in calling out my name, gal
Like you never done before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more
I'm thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart; she wanted my soul
and don't think twice it's all right

I'm going down that long, lonesome road babe
where I'm going, I can't tell
goodbye is too good a word, babe
so I'll just say, "fare thee well."
I ain't saying you treated me unkind
I coulda done better but I don't mind
you just wasted my precious time
and don't think twice it's alright
don't think twice it's alright.

Mar just played a version of that tune done by the Indigo Girls with Joan Baez. I love the song, but had never heard that particular version. I liked it.

I wish I could be that. I wish I could walk away when I feel like it's time - I just never do. I start walking, but then I turn and look, and then I sit and wait and hope, and then I walk a little more, but walking backwards, and finally I switch my direction altogether and go back. I just can't say enough is enough. I wait until things dwindle and die on their own, instead of taking real action myself. Never anything more than half-action, until the situation has deteriorated enough that it forces an outcome.

Right now I'm sitting 20 feet down the road, all my things scattered about me, facing back towards Mike and hoping he notices. I feel like I should just get up and continue my journey away, but I don't want to. I want him to call out to me and bring me back to him.

Just so that I keep from letting this degenerate into a "everything sucks, my life is shit" sort of blog, I thought I'd mention that the night before last was a pretty damn good night. I opened and closed the Russian Center dance since Chris was off at the Harlem Jazz Dance Festival. That went pretty smoothly. The substitute teachers were good and the DJs were good. The music was all pretty fast, a bit much for the venue (not that there can't be fast at the RC, but I think more of a mix might have fit better). I enjoyed myself.

Then, after the dance, Kevin mentioned that Solomon was having people over to his host's house for after-hours blues. Mary, Kevin, Miles and I all tagged along, and the five of us blues danced the night away until 6 or 7 in the morning. Penny, his host, danced with us as well until 5 am or so. It was heavenly. I've not done much in the way of blues dancing before. It was a good time. Mary enjoyed herself, too. All good.

Last night was not a good night.

Mike and I had a fight. It was about stupid stuff; it always is. But there were bigger issues going on. He feels neglected. I feel frustrated at our inability to talk about that or to work on fixing it. The way he chooses to express himself when we argue makes me feel like he doesn't respect or care about my feelings, because he has a tendancy to cut me short whenever I'm saying anything he doesn't like, either by interrupting me to say something very hurtful, or by walking off. It doesn't matter what my intentions were; if it's phrased in a way that he doesn't like, it's enough to illicit that sort of reaction.

So anyway, I left. I told him I wanted him to come with me, but that I was really upset and needed to be in my own space, not at his parents' house. He didn't want to come. I told him that if he walked off in the middle of our conversation again, I would just leave. He did walk off again. I didn't leave right away -- I waited probably 30 minutes, sitting there in my car, hoping for something from him, although I'm not sure quite what, and hoping that it would not come down to me driving off alone and leaving him -- but it came down to that. It broke my heart.

I meant to go home, get smashed, and indulge in a few cigarettes, something that I haven't done in forever. It was meant to be both a celebration and a mourning session -- I was going to drink to celebrate having had the balls to walk away, and to mourn the possible loss of a relationship that has meant a lot to me, with someone I deeply love. I don't know for sure that it's a loss, but something last night felt very final. Now I'm just sad, and not thinking clearly about it at all.

Alex and Mary had just gotten home when I got there, though, so my plans were aborted. Alex didn't approve, so he stayed with me and tried to be helpfully supportive until I fell asleep. Then he left. I slept until an hour or so ago this morning.

Today's a new day, I guess. We'll see where it takes me.

I was going to post something in my blog the other night, but blogger was down. Now I can't remember what I meant to post. Poo.

OH MY GOODNESS. PC craziness. I knew American textbooks were bad, but I didn't know the were that bad.

Last night sucked. Down in the dumps, bigtime.

Then I had nightmares all night long. Bleh.

I sign the new lease today! That's a pretty good start to the day, yeah? Hopefully the whole day will be better.

I was just reading Jeremy's blog again.

Happiness - I think much of life is about being happy, as well. But I guess we diverge at some point because I feel that if you get caught up too much in planning, you forget to just be. Just being - it's hard, but its a good place to sit, reflect, and be happy. If you don't have it, you might not even notice, but when you don't have it you're missing out on some real happiness. It's too easy in this life to become so busy that you don't even realize how busy you are, what you're not saving time for, and how that affects your ultimate happiness.

It sounds like he has had a rough time recently. I sympathize with him. He said something that I found interesting: "I remember reading an article a ways back that discussed an odd deficiency of our current school system. Namely, schools don't adequately prepare gifted children to deal well with failure. While other students experience failure as a natural part of school, gifted children generally don't, and hence they don't learn how to deal with faliure." I can definitely see how that would apply to him. I think it applies to me, too. I freak out when I hit failure. It's uncharted, scary territory, and I deal with it worse than almost any other crisis situation. I have this innate belief that I can do anything, be anything, and achieve anything, and when I hit rejection or failure it jars pretty deep against my foundations.

Off to clean and pack for the move...

I wrote this last night, but blogger was being funny and wouldn't let me post it:

6/4/2003, 11:30 PM

Today I finalized plans to move into Capitol Hill! I've been running around looking at apartments all week, and I've finally settled on one. It's a really nice place right in the middle of things, and actually pretty affordable. Great big balcony for the dog, nice kitchen, nice layout, nice space, lots of storage. Alex and Chris pushed me to really push my limits and haggle, so I also get free parking, the first half month for free, and the landlord is not going to do a credit check so I don't have to pay that fee. Yippie! He seems like a nice guy. Yay for buildings owned and maintained by real people, instead of corporations. Should be a nice change. Additionally, it will be SO nice not to have to commute back and forth from the east side to the west side anymore.

Next step - find a job in Seattle proper. Whee.

Hmm. I just read her blog. Sigh. I wish she were feeling more secure.

I know she doesn't have friends of her own here. That's why I'm letting her get to know the people I'm friends with - not so I can rub it in, but so that they can be her friends too. They're good people. And that's why I'm trying to get her involved with activities outside the house, like dancing - so that she can make new friends of her own. I know she's scared of people, and I'm trying to help her make a painless transition. I guess I'm not doing a very good job. :(

Bleh.

I'll have to think about that more.

Mary's living here now. So far, it's been really great! I'm so happy to have my little sister here with me.

We're looking at moving into a smaller apartment in Capitol Hill. It'll be squashed, but we'll be right in the middle of everything, and it will be much more affordable. I think it will be alright.

Alex makes the world seem a whole lot brighter. Thank you, Alex. Yesterday was a much better day. Today has the potential to be brighter still. Gettin' things done, Feelin' good...

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I think I'll move to Australia.

I ripped one of my contacts. It was my last pair. I can't wear contacts again now until I buy new ones, and I can't afford to buy them any time soon.

I had to wear my glasses while dancing. I hate wearing my glasses while dancing. It hurts more when you get hit in the head. "You get hit in the head?" asked Tom. Yes. I got elbowed in the face yesterday, just after that conversation, during one of the morning dance classes. While I was wearing my glasses. It hurt.

My glasses don't fit. They make my head hurt. The lenses are also the wrong prescription; they're outdated by about two years. I can still see, but I get a headache after a while. I should get new glasses, but that also costs money.

I'm going to move to Australia.

I heard back from UW. I guess I won't be going there in the summer. I can reapply for another quarter, winter or later, but that doesn't address what happens now. I meant to apply to SCCC and to SU as backups, but I didn't. I still could, but I'm not sure I will. I don't really want to go to those schools anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I stretched out my money for a long time, but I've finally hit the limit. It can't stretch anymore. I have enough to pay rent at the end of this month, but nothing more. So I need to figure out what to do about that.

Boys, boys, boys. Always a problem. I have relationship troubles up the wazoo, and want to just hit my head against a wall.

I blew out a tire last night while driving my friend Tom to the airport so that he could fly back to TX. We were already running a little late. Alex was with us, and together they changed the tire and put on my dinky spare in hyperspeed time. We had just left a dance, so we called someone still there and some really nice dancers stopped and picked up Tom to drive him the rest of the way to the airport, since, with the spare, my car is no longer fit for highway driving.

Alex took me home with him, kept me on his couch for the night, and put up with me crying a lot. I'm still at his place. He lives on the west side of the Lake Washington, where we were dancing, so we were able to get there on city streets. My car is still on this side of the water. The most reasonable routes over the water involve driving on freeway bridges. That's out until I fix my tire. Fixing tires costs money. As noted before, I really don't have any to spare. Alex wants to get me a new tire for a belated birthday present, instead of the dance shoes he'd been planning on getting me, but he already gives me so much and does so much for me. I don't feel right accepting more from him.

I am unhappy. Everything's going wrong, and I don't have the faintest idea where to start putting things back together.

Anyhow, Alex is going to drive me home to take care of my dog and birds. I don't know what I'll do from there, but I'll probably post an update later. Signing off now. - K.