I let myself think that things are a certain way just because I want them to be that way, even when I know somewhere deep down that they aren't true. If ever I do face up, for a moment, to the un-truth of my beliefs, there's this little voice in my head telling me that I can make it true; that if I try hard enough I can sway it over, I can make it all happen the way I want it to. I can be enough and do enough to make it work, to make it into what I want it to be and what, generally, I even let myself believe it to be.

Why do I do that?

Why is my grasp on reality so far off?

Why do I keep doing that, even when I can see that I do it?

Why do I want things so badly, even when I know I can't have them, especially when I know I can't have them? Am I some sort of masochist?

I'm so scared. I'm scared to lose things, scared to lose opportunities, scared to lose people, even when I actually never really had them. I'm frightened out of my wits at letting go of my illusions, because what if they really weren't illusions, and, in letting go, I am actually giving up my only chance at making it work? But if I really have just been deceiving myself, then that's an illusion in itself, isn't it. And yet I cling so hard, and I can't let go for all the "what if's".