I never thought anybody could hurt me so much that I wouldn't want to see them again.

Or, if it ever came to that, I thought it would only be because I hated them so much, because I couldn't stand the sight of them.

Ironic, then, that it's finally come that, but the reason I can't bear to see Mike anymore is that I love him. No hate at all. I can't see him anymore because he is far too inconsiderate. He walks all over my love and hurts me time and time again, and it tears me apart. I need to break away so that I can salvage something of myself, so that hopefully, somewhere down the line, I will be able to love someone else who will cherish and return my love. I'm afraid that if I continue to see Mike that resentment and bitterness would eventually consume me. I'm afraid that I would never move on, that I would never be able to give real love to anyone else again.

It would be easier if he had drawn the final boundaries and cut me off so that I wouldn't have to bear this burden. He doesn't love me now anyway -- it wouldn't have hurt him as much as it hurts me. I'm so scared that I'm throwing everything away, that things could work if I didn't push. I'm terrified that I'm sabotaging something really good, even though I know deep down that isn't the case. I'm second-guessing myself all the way and it's such a difficult decision to begin with.

My whole life feels like a waking nightmare right now. It's horrid, having to push away people that mean the world to you. They mean the world to you! The world! So when you push them away, what is left? Nothing at all. A complete void.

I know I can build up something again with time, that my life is not over, but it doesn't feel that way right now.

I feel as depressed as I can ever remember feeling. Part of me wishes I could sleep tonight, never to wake up again. I have a dog and birds that depend on me and several close friends who would miss me terribly should I die, so suicide is not an option. I can see the appeal, though. An easy out when nothing seems worthwhile and life and love seem merely a cruel farce.

I need some sort of serenity. I need to be able to accept letting him go. I wish I could have some sort of reassurance that this is the best thing to do, that it is the only thing to do, that he doesn't love me and won't love me again and there's nothing of any worth or promise to be thrown away. I wish I had some sort of assurance that I wasn't making a huge mistake. This has been building for so long now -- I think this is where the nightmares have been coming from, knowing deep down that things are as they are and that I would have to ultimately take this action -- and I think it was so upsetting because I've never really been certain enough to follow through. Still second-guessing. Still doubting, even as things have gotten so dire that I feel I have no choice but to take action and push.

And not for hate, but for love. For stupid, loyal, undying love.