Andy asks how I will make these expectations clear to myself and my friends.

For most of you, it won't be an issue. Following are some of the expectations:

• I expect that friends will initiate contact with me sometimes, and will be warm towards me when I initiate contact with them.


• I expect that, whatever else might be going on in their lives, friends will make at least some time for me. That they will do so without trying to make me feel guilty for asking time of them. I expect that they will not be resentful of me for time that they do choose to spend with me, that they will not be angry at me for keeping them from other better things that they might have been doing.
  
  This is not to say that I expect friends to always give me frequent and large amounts of time or that I cannot understand what it is to be busy. I can deal without seeing friends for a long time. If they are unable to make certain concessions in the meanwhile, though, such as finding a few moments every once in a while to at least chat on the phone or committing to a time in the future where we will be able to see each other, then it just doesn't work.


• When there are issues with the relationship that I feel need to be addressed, I expect that my friends will find time to sit down and discuss those issues with me. I expect that they will try to keep an open mind and to keep from becoming closed and defensive, so that they can really hear what I am saying and can then help find ways to constructively address the problems. They should not see doing this as a chore to be avoided at all costs.


• I expect that friends will greet or acknowledge me when they run across me in a social situation. That they will not walk past me, trying to act as if they did not see me.


• I expect that my friends will be proud of me.
  
  Historically speaking, I have a tendency to continue nurturing relationships even when the friend or lover is ashamed of being involved with me. I overlook it when they choose to hide the relationship from at least some friends and/or family. Over time, this causes me underlying resentment and negative feelings, but I attempt to swallow them and deal with then on my own. Always, given a choice between allowing the behavior to persist and ending the friendship, I have allowed the behavior to continue.
  
  After putting some serious thought into this and talking the it over with some close friends, I have come to believe that this is not fair to me, that it is not fair to the friend, and that it is unhealthy. Most of the relationships where this has been a problem are long since over, but it still plays a role in one relationship that I have recently been trying to maintain.

95% of you meet all the expectations listed above without even thinking about it. Most of you far exceed them. The problem is with the remaining few who refuse to meet one or more of them.

In allowing this behavior to persist without consequence I inadvertently encourage it, and I create a cycle of hurt and disappointment on my part that is unhealthy and not fair to either of us. It eats away at my self-esteem, which ultimately makes me less able to be a real friend to anybody. It eats away at the foundations of the relationship and creates a pattern of denial. I deserve more than that. My friends deserve more than that.

I cannot continue to allow this sort of behavior just because I consider myself friends with someone -- I need to find a way to believe that, if we are really friends, they will want to address the behavior. That, if they are not willing, then it is not really a friendship to begin with.

I do realize that all friends will occasionally fail to meet even the simplest of expectations. I have always tried to be forgiving of that, and I plan to continue being forgiving of occasional shortcomings.

It's only when violating expectations such as these becomes chronic behavior that I need to start re-thinking the friendship. When the friend's behavior evolves into a pattern of continually letting me down, when that friend is unable or unwilling to discuss the problem and will not work to address the issues, then I need to find the strength to move on. I need to respect myself and respect them enough to be honest about when things are not working, I need to set limits, and I need to adhere to them. Really, ultimately, it becomes the other person's choice. Even if these needs are not being met, I will not turn away a friend who is willing to work with me to find ways to address them. At the same time, I cannot continue to cultivate friendships where the friend is unwilling to work with me and will not put a good faith effort toward meeting the needs listed above.

This is not something I have done in the past, but I resolve start doing it going forward. This is the plan for a better, healthier Kathy, and for more rewarding relationships between myself and everyone who remains a part of my life.