Saturday, April 17, 2004

I had not realized before that groups of passengers debarking planes from different locations look distinctly different.

The crowd of passengers heading up the escalator into the baggage claim, having disembarked a plane just in from Cancun, do not at all resemble the crowd of passengers just having disembarked a plane from Minneapolis, MN. The first group of people seems somehow... tropical. The second seems more pale, pasty, pallor.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004

I've been thinking recently about marriage.

I used to strongly believe that I would be married and starting a family by the time I was 25. Now I'm 26.

As men in my life go, there are generally three camps I can sort them into. Here is a diagram:

Yes, there is some overlap between "A" and "B". But note that there is not much.

Note also that this diagram does not imply any feeling on their part for me. Men in the overlap area (or in any area, for that matter) may have no interest in me whatsoever, although I suppose a lack of interest probably tends to push them out of the type "A" bucket.

And honestly, a lack of interest in me probably makes men a stronger candidate for bucket "B". Yes, I am drawn to men who are, for whatever reason, emotionally unavailable.

So what does this mean? Does it mean that marriage is not for me?

Does it mean that attraction and passion are not what I should seek out in a long term relationship, since it seems I am attracted mainly to men I am not really suited for? Should I instead be choosing my relationships based on other factors?

Or maybe I should just live and let live, go for whomever I am drawn to. Live in the moment, no regrets, no holding back. Be with whomever I wish to be with, and marry them if it ever comes to that.

It's not that "B" bucket boys are un-marriage-able; I'm just not sure it would last. We might have a torrid affair, an idyllic marriage at least for a time -- a hot and steamy honeymoon phase -- only to have everything ultimately come crumbling down. I'd be another divorce statistic or something. That would suck.

As an aside, I view love and passion as different beasts. I have love for men who do not inspire passion in me, and I am passionate about men I do not love. I am equally able to love "A" and "B" men.

Back to marriage --

I don't know if I can see myself married at all, at least not any time soon. It's strange to hear myself say that, a jolt that I'm starting to believe it. It deviates so much from the plan. Now there is no plan. I don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there.

Alex says he could see me married, but for it to work, it would be an unconventional marriage.

Why am I not passionately attracted to the "A" men in the first place? Is there some sensor in me that is malfunctioning?

Ironically enough, I think I am a "B" woman for many of the men who are attracted to me -- no promise of stability or solidity, a captivating siren nested in the rocks.
Sorry I haven't posted for a while.

Not much up with me and yet there's quite a bit going on, all at once.

I spent all of Easter afternoon out on the beach at Golden Gardens, dancing tango with friends. I saw my first sea anemones! Pretty awesome. Played in the water, made some groovin' sand sculptures, and had some lovely dances. Quite a nice time.

The last few days I've been back at work. I've had my lunches outside, enjoying the sun. Still hitting the Spanish classes, which are going well. Dancing lots of tango.

I went out swing dancing last night, for a change, to catch Kevin's last performance before he hits Europe. It was pretty sweet. Odd for me, though -- lindy has such different energy than tango. I felt like I'd stumbled into an alternate universe that I used to be a part of, but had since forgotten about. Superman returning to Krypton, or something.

My lindy connection felt off at first. This "all tango, all the time" thing I've got going on isn't helping my lindy connection any; go figure. I managed to sort it out by the end of the night so that it was feeling better, though.

My mood has been a little up and down recently. I think I'm affected by the moods of people around me more than I know. I started getting moody last week, and it turns out that a close acquaintance I see quite often separated from his wife around that time. His life has been going all crazy. I didn't know about it at the time, but I think in retrospect I picked up on his feelings and that's part of why I started feeling a little crazy up and down, myself. Interesting how that works.

Today has been good. Had lunch outside and read in the park for a little bit. I made daisy chains, on a whim; I hadn't done that in years. I'm still wearing them now. So nice to bring a little of the outdoors inside with me, given that I was stuck in my office during the better part of the day. Especially since work got crazy at the end of the day and I had to stay many more hours than planned.

I love daisies. The plump little sunshiny yellow centers surrounded by a soft white fringe, emitting a soft, fresh scent. I don't remember there being quite so many daisies back in Minnesota. Should I move away from Seattle, I will miss them.

If I find my camera any time soon, I think I'm going to make this more of a picture blog. Or at least make it the same old blog, but supplemented with pictures. Then I'll post pictures of the next flower ornaments I create. You will all be privileged to share in the flowery goodness. I am sure that you tremble with anticipation.

Sunday, April 11, 2004

I just had a breakfast of strawberries, brie cheese, and stone ground wheat crackers up on the roof with Henri, taking in the sun. Louie hung out with us, as well. It was awesome. I love sunshine. I wish every day were as amazingly beautiful as today, although I guess I might not appreciate the days quite as much in that case.