Saturday, December 13, 2003

To everyone:

I am actually doing okay. Some of my recent posts may have seemed pretty down-in-the-dumps, but I think that's as much because it was late at night and I was sleep deprived as it was anything else. I mean, things aren't perfect - but are they ever, for anybody? - and there are certainly things that need changing, but I am holding up well all things considered.

Friday, December 12, 2003

Well -

Mr_X0 just told me that he's accepted a position somewhere else.

He'll be out of the office for the next two weeks. He may come back for a bit after the holidays to transition work, but after that he'll be gone, gone, gone. Crazy.

I almost think I'll miss him.

Thursday, December 11, 2003

I wear this crown of thorns
upon my liar's chair,
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair.
Beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become?
My sweetest friend -
Everyone I know goes away
in the end

And you could have it all,
my empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt.
(Typed verbatim from Johnny Cash's version of "Hurt".)
I noticed for the first time that the license plates for the entire fleet of Microsoft shuttles are all of the format '### MSN'. Cute.

I wonder how they pulled that off? Could anybody else in WA get a license plate with MSN as the letter combination, or did Microsoft somehow buy that entire set of 1000 possibilities? I don't think there are quite that many shuttles right now.
Hey, for anyone who has ever been confused about which blog comments are from me and which are -

I always put in my email address and put as my URL when commenting, whether on my blog or anybody elses. Occasionally I'll forget this info when I first click 'Ok', but I'm strangely anal enough that I'll go back right away and edit the comment to add it back in. Any comments without this information are from somebody else.

(You may have had it all figured out already and you're like, "Why the hell is she telling me this?!," but friends have approached me recently claiming great confusion so I thought I'd clarify.)
I think I amplify my feelings a bit when I post late at night. Either that, or I'm just more numb in the mornings -

I feel kind of numb. Except for my back, and the rest of my body, all of which hurts. I don't think I've been sleeping in a bad position, but I certainly haven't been sleeping well; maybe that's getting to me? Two nights in a row I've woken up in the morning and it just hurt to move.
You know when the fabric of your life seems to be unraveling beneath your feet? All your relationships disintegrate or drastically change. You feel as if nothing can last, no relationship can be counted on to stand the test of time. Friends and lovers fade away from your tangible life into simple wisps of memory, and to hold them close even a moment longer is an impossibility.

Maybe you don't know that feeling, but believe me, it sucks.

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

For the first time, scientists have created sperm from the embrionic stem cells of mice; so says NPR. That means sperm can now be generated in the laboratory. No more need for men and sex! Crazy.
Stupid nightmares. I am so tired recently - what I wouldn't give to sleep straight through an entire night.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Okay. Whoever you are:

I really think you are crazy. Between the emails, the comments, the multiple monikers, and the conversations with yourself - yes, I do know which ones were you, and that so many were you; I DO check IP addresses - well, it's just beyond me.

I'm not one for censorship, so you are welcome to keep commenting here. This may be the last time I respond to you, though, as engaging you and responding to you only seems agitate the situation.

It has been interesting having you on my blog, and I'm sure I will find future posts from you, if there are any, to be interesting as well, but I will no longer add to your confusion and/or distress by replying. Farewell, mystery commenter.
Fragile as a leaf in autumn
Just fallin' to the ground
without a sound

Spinning, laughing, dancing to
her favorite song
Well, she's a little girl with nothing wrong
and she's all alone
Man, if you haven't been listening to Norah Jones, you might consider it; "come away with me" is one of the best albums I've come across in years.
I also cannot ask Marc to email you, because I do not know Marc. I have never met him. I'm sorry that there are uncomfortable feelings that need to be mended, but I really can't help you; I don't know why you associate me with this person, because I do not know him.
Kathryn, or Elizabeth Kaye, or Anonymous, or whoever you are -

I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but I really don't know what you're talking about and why you keep posting to me, or at me, or on my blog but having nothing to do with me.

Who do you think I am?

I am not Marc.

My name is Kathryn. Really, truly. I don't believe I ever met you or spoke with you before you came across my blog. I think you believe I'm someone I'm not, participating in some grand scheme, but I have no knowledge of any scheme. I don't understand your posts and your comments. I'm sorry, but I think you've come to some misguided conclusions about me.

Monday, December 08, 2003

I just woke up from a nightmare just now where some crazy woman was trying to kill me by burning me with hot water. I had been on my way to meet Jaimes, had gotten lost and was running late, and stopped into a restaurant to ask for directions; that's where the woman had been. She started screaming at me, trying to engage me, chasing me. I fled, and accidentally knocked down a waitress on the way out. Something fell off the closest table onto her -- boiling hot water from a teacup directly onto her scalp, I think, and then something large and glass fell onto her head and shattered, the combination of both injured her fatally, but I was just trying to get away from Ms. Nutso and couldn't stop to worry about it or even feel bad. There were cars out on the street, but none of them would stop for me - except for one, with two guys and a dog, who only picked me up after I agreed to give one a blow job in exchange. Crazy woman was right there on my tail, grabbed my leg as I was getting into the car and wouldn't let go even as we were driving away. It hurt, this woman outside pulling at my leg and arm, trying to shut the door, shutting it on my own limbs to try and get away from her. It was raining, and everything was wet and cold and slippery and the door wasn't closing all the way and I was pretty damn scared -

and then I woke up.

I don't know where dreams like that come from.