I just got done re-reading that last post. Blah blah blah, it is all so whiny, I know -- why stay here reading my blathering, when you could read maybe go read Strong Sad's journal instead? At least that one's funny as well.

I'm feeling down again. I am such an emotional roller coaster.

Last night a friend brought me a sandwich to eat, and I think I was allergic to something on it. I felt the rest of the night like I'd been hit by a truck -- sore, headachy, dizzy, and out of sorts. I ended up sleeping in a corner of the Russian Center for most of the dance. Didn't feel up to driving home, but didn't feel well enough to do much else.

I don't know if I was being overly sensitive, but towards the end, after I woke up, Chris managed to make me feel really hurt and rejected. He'd been having a bad night, but then his dance partner showed up and it was as if suddenly everything was better for him and he didn't see me anymore.

I went home alone after the dance. Everybody else was apparently all into wanting to play video games or something, but I didn't really feel up to that. Once home I couldn't sleep, so I poked Jon online and he called me to talk for a while. That was really nice, except that I started dozing off on him towards the end of the conversation. I hope he didn't mind too much.

And now it's morning, and I'm awake, and I feel sad. I don't even really know why, or what about.

Anyhow, I guess I should get ready for work or something.

It's an ongoing battle not to fall asleep at work today.

I'm...not...doing so...well......

Do you ever feel...detached...from things?

There are people that I've really loved, that I've let just slip out of my life. Jeremy and I wrote a bit back and forth after Cricket died -- I mentioned to him that, because she had been so intertwined in my relationship, losing her seemed to add another note of finality to everything he and I had shared.

I really loved him. Part of me still loves him very deeply. But somehow I'm also okay with things being over, and... I mean... I don't know. It's really hard to explain. It's sort of like I'm looking down from above; I can see what we had, and I can appreciate that it was something beautiful, but it's not something that's relevant to me anymore.

So many things that were beautiful that aren't relevant to me.

I don't know what is relevant to me. I don't know if I hold onto the things that I should. I let things go, and they're so far away, and I'm looking at them from so far away. I still have that love, but I've lost my ability to -- I don't know -- hold on to it? To understand it? To make anything of it?

And this isn't the only case. I feel that way about what I've felt for many things, many people. Past friends, family, lovers...

It makes me feel a little sad, but I'm unable to hold on even to that sadness.

Funny thing is I'm not really an atheist. In Bush's eyes, though, maybe I would be.

Threat rating: extremely low. You may think you can
subvert the government, but if you should try
you will be smited mightily because God likes
us best.


What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

At Jeremy's request, I've pulled together some pictures of me before and after my haircut.

Before/After:


Here's a index of all the others, if you'd like to look at pictures individually:

Before:


• Tired but happy


• It's so...hard...to stay...awake...

After:


• I didn't do it!


• Look at that unrurly strand of hair.


• It has to be in here somewhere...


• Strike a pose.


• Slightly bemused.


• Hey baby, what's your sign?


• Here's lookin' at you.


• Strip tease! Kinda... well, not really.

This is my work machine doing this, by the way. Fricking annoying -- work for hours on stuff and then Poof! it's gone.

It's not a virus. I've checked it numerous times, each time with the latest and greatest updated signatures. Additionally, it's been doing this since before the existence of Blaster or Sobig.F.

A friend thinks it's hardware. I guess I get to call our PCHelp people tomorrow to see what's up.

Kathryn says:
my fricking machine just restarted itself
Kathryn says:
which it just DOES sometimes
Kathryn says:
and I lose stuff every time it happens
Kathryn says:
since it's not a normal shutdown
Kathryn says:
but I don't even get the courtesy of a blue screen
Kathryn says:
just click! restart

I ate breakfast this morning at my table in my breakfast nook.

Yes, for those of you who have seen my domicile at any point in time over the last three years -- I have a table. I have a breakfast nook. I've even cleaned it up such that I can sit at the table to eat.

Crazy, huh?

It felt very... peaceful. I could grow to like this whole orderly and well-kept way of life.

At some point, I'll finish project Organize-My-Apartment, I'll take pictures, and I'll post them up for you to all "ooh" and "ahh" at. I really like the place I'm living in now. It's starting to feel quite homey.

Speaking of pictures, I got some before-and-after pictures of my haircut. I'll post them after I figure out some webspace issues.