Wednesday, January 05, 2011

R.I.P. bem

R.I.P. bem

A friend of mine passed away today.

Brian was one of my first close friends off the internet.  I played a MUD back from....1995 to 2001, maybe, and he was the implementer.  

If he was here, still, he would have been one of the first people to read this post; even after all these years and my long periods of blogging inactivity, he still kept an eye on here.

He lived in Portland, OR, which is close to Seattle, so when I moved there in 2000 I would see him every so often. 

I helped him through some rough times in his life, and he was strong and supportive for me through some of mine.

His MUD ( 9000) went down in the early 2000's, but someone from the MUD convinced him to put it back up a year ago.  I logged on tonight for the second time in maybe 8 years.  Talking to people who I was fond of, in the way that I am fond of Rampage people now, when I was 16, 17, 18....

It felt surreal.

There was someone logged in tonight who had a ring item that had been "engraved".... by me.  And his description had all sorts of nods to me.  I could hardly remember who he was, but I had the distinct sense that it was someone I had liked quite well at some point in my life.

It's a bit unsettling to realize there's so much I can't remember.

And that time keeps on flowing by.

And I might be gone, at any moment.

Or if I'm still here, soon enough the moments I am living now will be moments that are lost to my memory.

A few years ago Brian met the love of his life, and about three years ago, asked her to marry him.  I think the last time I saw him was at his wedding.  He was so happy.  This woman and this relationship really seemed to transform him.  Every time I talked to him since, he seemed so happy.

It feels like - it was too soon.

He isn't that much older than me, he was a peer.

He'd recently found such great happiness in his life.

I loved him, he was very dear to me -

I meant to visit him before I moved to Sweden, but that's one of the things that never happened, I was so busy.  Now it's too late.

I wasn't ready to lose him.

It's awful to see him go so soon after he had found great happiness in his life.

It makes me feel more mortal myself.  I feel very blessed these last few years, but I could pass away and lose it all at any time.

Or lose the people closest to me.

It's scary.

And, my friend, Brian - it's sad.

I wrote him a mail today, after I found out.  I know he'll never read it, but -  I needed to say goodbye, somehow.

Brian, I will miss you.

I do miss you.

I am sad.