Saturday, August 16, 2003

Open the window,
let the sunset in
If only for the last time
let me see you smile again

I'll take my records
You can have your books
I'm sorry I never read them
but it says so much about us

Always trying
to make love out of care
The perfect recipe
but something wasn't there

And I wish you Sunrays and Saturdays,
perfect starry nights
Sweet dreams and moonbeams
and a love that's warm and bright
Sunrays, and Saturdays
friendship strong and true
Oceans of blue
and a room with a view
to live the life you choose

You'll write me letters -
I'll call you on the phone
A wire away from touching
and never quite alone

We'll get to know ourselves again
and we'll heal our hearts
It's not that we're bad together;
we're just better off apart

Always trying
to have one and one make two
And even though it never worked
I still feel love for you

- Vertical Horizon, "Sunrays and Saturdays"
If you haven't already, you should check out the Google Toolbar v 2.0. I've been using it a few weeks now, and I love it. It rocks! Especially the pop-up window blocking functionality.

Friday, August 15, 2003

One more.

Give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home

I will stay forever here with you, my love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on

Some say I'm crazy for my love, oh my love
But no bonds can hold me from your side, oh my love
They don't know you can't leave me
They don't hear you singing to me

I will stay forever here with you, my love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on

And I can't love you, anymore than I do

- Evanescence, "Even In Death"
It's maybe not quite right, but I read it and I thought of you, Mar.
I've been holding back words
And waiting for time
There's a lesson here somewhere
I know it's mine
And though I'll remember the promise we made
Promises don't justify feeling this way, anymore

It's time for letting go
We can't hide what we both know
But ooh, the hurtin' grows
Every time I think it's over

- excerpt from Billy Ray Cyrus's "Time for Letting Go"

It's time to leave work and go see my Mary and my Laurie.

They leave me this weekend. I don't know what I'm going to do without them -- my life will be so empty all of a sudden. I'll miss them so much. :(

Selfishly, I'm a little scared about how I'll handle being alone.
Be froogle with google - find products for sale all across the web.

Cute. Froogle. Ha.
Got an email from my boss's boss just now. He cc:'d my boss here at Company_B and one of the leads at my contracting company, Company_A. The text of the email? "Great job Kathryn!"

Gotta love that. If I can't control anything else in my life, if I can't deal with relationships or comfort my family or take decent care of my pets or do anything else that really matters, at least I can make 'em love me at work.
I just got done reading all the entries Mary posted in her blog early this morning about Jeremy. They break my heart. I can't stop crying.

I need to pull myself together here pretty quick so I can do some work, get the day over with, and get home. That seems like such a daunting, momentuous task right now.


[i have so many feelings, but no more words]


I'm lucky to have Alex in my life. He brought Mary home before the rest of us came home, so that she could have a little bit of privacy and space to read Jeremy's obituary and such.

When the rest of us got home we found him holding her, just being there for her. I didn't know, still don't know how to be there for her, but it helps so much that he's trying to be there for her too.

She asked for juice, so he took her to the store to get some. While they were there he and she got ice cream to bring back, as well, and they also got stuffed animals for all the people here who have been having a tough night -- a stuffed cat for me, a bear for Laurie, a fluffier stuffed cat for Jonathon, and a tiny, pocket sized, terribly soft and snuggly stuffed cat for Mary.

All the folk here still seem rather sad and mellow -- everything feels surreal. But it's at least a sane mellow, a "we'll get through this" sort of sadness, and Alex is largely to thank for that.

Thank you for Alex. I am afraid that I take him forgranted more than I should, but when I stop to think about it I feel blessed to have him around.
The world is going crazy. I feel powerless and out of control.
  • My bird, one of my favorite birds, died last week.

  • I've realized lately that I push away the people I love, and I have come to really regret some of the decisions I have made over the past year. They're not the sort of decisions I can undo.

  • The boy my younger sister Mary believes to have been her only love so far just died in a car accident. She's been freaking out all night. I want to be there for her, but I don't know how and she pushes me away. Nobody close to me has ever died before; I don't know how to deal with it. I've been freaking out.

    I have this picture burned into my memory of she and he, sitting on my parents' couch, holding hands. Having just read the obituary and an article in the home paper about the accident, I feel sad and sort of numb.

  • Another one of Mary's friends had a serious panic attack tonight at the dance, and they had to call a medic van for him. We've got him over at my place now because I didn't think he should go home alone to an empty dorm room quite yet.

  • Laurie just said goodbye to a boy she's become quite involved with. She's really sad and I don't know how to be there for her, either.

  • Things with Mike are fucked up. I really wanted to fix them and make everything better, but I am powerless to. It takes two people, both of whom want to make a difference, to mend a relationship -- and, well, he's not in a place right now where he's interested in contributing anything to that end.

  • I never realized what an asshole Mike could be until tonight. I needed him and he failed me.

    All of this going on so I pulled him aside for a moment -- I wanted to let him know both to be conscious of the fact that Mary was having a hard time, since he is a friend to her, and I wanted to get a little bit of support from him because I was feeling massively overwhelmed. He glared at me the whole time as if I had committed a cardinal sin. I'm not sure why he was so pissed that I took him away from the dance for that short while, but it made what was already an overwhelmingly stressful night all that much worse. Then, to top it off, he didn't speak to me or aknowledge me for the rest of the night, except to glare at me on the way out.

    On the bright side, if it is a bright side, he's making it easier for me to get over him.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

The other day, a good friend asked me what I thought love was. I wasn't able to give a very good answer. But this morning, I was browsing Jon's live journal, and came across his most recent post where he answers that very same question. His answer runs pretty close to mine, and is more eloquent than I could ever be.

For those of you too lazy to click over, here's his post:

A rare morsel of depth

Over the past year, I've learned something that I consider to be the most valuable lesson I've ever learned.

Those of you who have known me long enough to have heard my grandiose and impromptu theories of life have seen the importance that I place on Balance: Everything in moderation, even moderation itself... There are no golden rules... Everything depends, and is open to discussion... The Way means striking that balance, or letting it strike itself. Obviously, these guidelines go out the window when I go off on tirades and I'm as guilty as anyone of going to extremes, but generally they apply. It's the core of how I work, and what I do with my kids.

In the last year, though, something seeped through. Something I couldn't ignore came up. It's the concept of "unconditional."

At a certain point, your love can run so deep that it no longer depends on anything. It just is... in a way that's completely unconditional and unquestionable. It means that no matter what that person does or says, your love remains unbreakable. It means you no longer think about if you'll make it through, or if you'll be able to forgive... just how. It doesn't mean you're stupid, or in constant denial, or blind to the things that hurt you, or even that you'll spend the rest of your life with that person next to you. It just means that there are things that you don't have to question.

Yes, I love you. Yes, I forgive you. No, I will not be disappointed.

There are three people in this world for whom I feel this. One will probably read this, one I'm not sure if they still check, and one will probably never lay eyes on this text. One of them once told me, "yeah, but you're only human." My answer: "I'd argue there isn't anything in this world more human than this."
...I have feelings I want to express in response to his post, or in addition to his post, but I can't put words to them. I'll try again later, perhaps.

Anyhow, go, Jon. You've always been so much better with words and language than I ever could be.
I just took my dog out. On my way back in, I met one of my neighbors, Yang, from across the hallway. He asked me if I "smoke smoke", and invited me to smoke a bowl with him. I declined. He asked again. I declined again. Then he bid me goodnight and went on his way, back to smoke up some more, I guess. At least he is friendly.

Wednesday, August 13, 2003

So whenever I next find myself with some free time, I can attempt to use cellophane to convert my laptop screen into a three-dimensional display. "A distinct advantage of our technique is its simplicity; a laptop screen can be converted into a 3D display with minimal knowledge of optics. An additional advantage of our technique is that we can eliminate the need for the observer to wear special glasses by making the computer wear the glasses instead." Kick ass! Crazy fun times ahead for me.
I used to have a parakeet named Chloe that talked. His first words, when another bird of mine landed on my head (strictly against the rules, since they are not potty trained) were, "Don't DO that!" It's a phrase that I consistently used whenever any of my birds would do something I disapproved of. Chloe matched my intonation perfectly, and took to screeching that whenever he noticed any infractions on the part of his peers.

I guess I use that phrase with people, too. I did something vaguely idiotic the other night during a conversation with Mike, and he responded with, "Don't DO that!" He was mimicking me - apparently I've used that phrase on him when he's done similar idiotic things in past conversations. Same intonation. He never met Chloe, so he didn't know. I had never realized I used the phrase so regularly.

Anyhow, it struck me as funny at the time.
Mary - just so you know - I do need you, and you are one of my best friends. Because you are around, I am a much happier person than I would be otherwise.
Jeremy wrote in a comment to my last post:

Your feelings are natural, Kat; I think everyone wants to feel like he/she can trust the person he/she is in a relationship with.

Of course, one can explicitly test that faith to see if it's there. OTOH, I would argue that numerous events in life regularly put relationships to the test. Oftentimes, if someone is still with you after a significant period of time then they have passed some tests along the way. And they have almost certainly passed tests that you have not seen.

So, my point is this: there's no need for you to test those who are in a relationship with you - life's happenings will offer up all the tests you and your sig other could ever need.
I know that there's no need. Part of the problem is that I don't even realize I'm doing it when I do it, I don't think.

Any of you who are or have been close to me can probably pick out specific instances in the past where I have pushed lines with you - explicitly done something I knew you didn't like or were uncomfortable with, even though I knew you felt that way.

When it's happening I tend to think, "I'm just being who I am. This is who I have always been. Why can't you accept that and deal with it?" I probably put it off that way to you. Rationalizing, fighting for my right to be me and do things "my way". And if you stand up for yourself, I fight all the harder and push all the more.

The odd thing is that whatever the line is, whatever I'm doing - it's not necessarily the way I always do, have done, or will do things. I do sometimes have relationships where I call the other person every day and place a high priority on being consistent and timely with communication. I don't always have relationships where I'm extremely affectionate with people outside the relationship. I don't always push to get rid of "defining terms" like "dating exclusively". But at the time, whatever issue it is I'm fighting about, I feel like it is a defining part of who I am, something I need to be able to do to "be myself", and I fight for that tooth and nail. Push as hard as I can.

It's only in retrospect that I see patterns, and come to think that maybe I was testing you to see if you'd stick with me, no matter how bad it got. And then I feel justified when you don't.

I'm not sure how to get out of that pattern, since I don't seem to recognize what's going on when it's relevant.
Do you ever worry that you "test" people, maybe without even really meaning to?

I'm afraid that I do. I put them in difficult situations, situations they're really, really unhappy with, and expect them to wait it out to prove that they love me. And then when they don't, when they give up and walk away - somehow I blame them. They didn't love me enough. I didn't mean enough to them. It's like I expect everyone to walk away, to stop loving me - and if they don't do so initially, I'll change and tweak the situation until it's so bad that they do. I don't ever want them to, and I'm so sad and broken hearted when it actually happens, but somewhere deep down I am responsible for making it happen. It's what I expect, a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There's never going to be a love so deep that someone will put up with any shit you throw at them. There's always a line where the shit just gets too deep. And hey, even if it's a deep, deep line, and a very loving person, I'll manage to find that line and cross it somehow. And then I'll tell myself it wasn't me, and I'll believe it was because they never really loved me anyway.

Pretty fucked up, hey?
I was up at 5:30 this morning. That hasn't happened in a while. I coulda watched the sun rise, if it weren't so goddamned gloomy in Seattle that there was one.

Tuesday, August 12, 2003

At times like this, continuing with one's life seems impossible, and eating the entire contents of one's fridge... seems inevitable. I have two choices - to give up and accept permanent state of spinsterhood and eventual eating by dogs... or not. And this time, I choose not. I will not be defeated by a bad man and an American stick insect. Instead, I choose vodka, and Chaka Khan.

- Bridget Jones, in Bridget Jones's Diary
Have you ever seen that movie? I feel more and more as if I'm doomed to be Daniel Cleaver someday -- getting older, can't make it with anybody. Flings here and there, but in the long run, all on my own.

Daniel Cleaver: If I can't make it with you, I can't make it with anyone.
Bridget Jones: Um... That's not a good enough offer for me. I'm not willing to gamble my whole life on someone who's... well, not quite sure. It's like you said. I'm still looking for something more extraordinary than that.
That will be me. And Bridget, there, will be the essence of everybody I ever date. Looking for something more extraordinary than what they might find with me.

But for now, I guess, at least there is vodka, and Chaka Khan.
Sad fact for the day:

Putting mayonaise and mustard on your sandwich 4 hours before you are going to eat it makes it very soggy. EVEN IF you toasted your bread. In that case, you end up with soggy toast.


(Not really.)
It appears that Haloscan, the commenting system that I'm using, is experiencing some problems right now. No more comments until they get whatever is going on with their servers figured out. How very sad.
Howard Dean is coming to Seattle on August 24th. I'm excited.

For any of you in MN, if you are interested, he is going to Milwaukee on August 23rd. That's not so far away.
Do you ever have times where you wish you could change the way someone else is acting? Write it all down, scratch everything out, write a new draft that moves in a new direction, and boom! - they're following the new script. Sometimes it makes me sad that I can't do that, that I really don't have much control over other people's decisions and actions. Especially when those decisions and actions concern me.

I've been having that shortness-of-breath problem again this morning. I really need to not get stressed so much. Anxiety is not good for me, I don't think.

In other news, I've been later to work than I would like for two mornings in a row, but I think I've finally caught up on my sleep from this past weekend. Yay, sleep.

Monday, August 11, 2003

I've been kind of snappy at my Mr_X0 today. On the one hand, I feel bad about it. I still want everyone to like me. I hate being mean.

On the other hand, he's routinely asking things of me that are unreasonable, that he should be doing as a part of his own job. I have my own job to do; I shouldn't be doing his, too. Once in a while is okay. All the time is not. Yeah, my job is easier. I'm a slacker, I've got more of a slacker job. Who wants to write code when you can just sit around and rip someone else's apart? Didn't you ever wait until your little brother finished building a huge, amazing block tower, only to run up screaming and kick it down? Much easier than building it up, and so much satisfaction in that one short moment. Anyway, I bet you anything he gets paid more, so he should do his part and let me do mine.
This weekend was rough - really up and down. I ended up breaking into tears on Chris's shoulder twice on Sunday. There's no one thing that's wrong. Just... everything. Lots of little things. It all adds up.

Still feeling a little manic, although that's toned with numbness today, as well. Having trouble working.