You know when you're nostalgic about someone, missing something you once had with them, but they've moved on and want nothing to do with you anymore? I hate that. I mean, I don't want another relationship or anything. I just want, I don't know - a conversation, or something.

Occasionally, I get so tired that after I've driven home, I can't even drag myself inside to go to bed. Instead, I nap in the car. Hours later I wake up freezing, and finally stumble into my apartment and crawl into bed.

Why do I do this?

What is wrong with me?

Some guy in Jersey got pulled over for having an unregistered vehicle, and called a friend to get his car registered online in the time that it took the officer to write a ticket and order a tow. Crazy. He still had to pay the ticket, but the officer couldn't tow his car anymore because it was then registered. I'd never think to do something like that.

Cocaine and Ecstasy Cause DNA Mutation:

..."Cocaine and ecstasy have proved to be more dangerous than we had imagined,'' said Giorgio Bronzetti, chief scientist at the National Center for Research's (CNR) biotechnology department. "These drugs, on top of their toxicological effects, attack DNA provoking mutations and altering the hereditary material. This is very worrying for the effects it could have on future generations,'' he said...

I dated someone in college who tried to convince me a number of times to do Ecstasy with him. I researched the drug and found that I was too uncomfortable with possible side effects to really consider it, so each time I declined. In retrospect, I am glad I made that choice.

Gah.

I was actually getting along with Mr_X0 for a while, but now he's back to annoying the piss out of me. Trying to get me to do his job, when that's not working, looking over my shoulder at what I'm doing, trying to tell me how to do my job, bitching about everything... ugh.

I feel like I was on a really nice vacation and now I'm back again. And it sucks being back.

There is a large Christmas tree in the lobby of my building at work. It smells SO good.

I want a Christmas tree.

Apparently, you can rent Christmas trees from Ikea for $9.95 plus a $10 deposit (refunded to you upon return of the tree in the form of a gift certificate). Ikea will then recycle the trees and plant a new tree for every tree that they rented out.

How wacky. I might just check it out.

Have I mentioned that I am doing something different for Christmas this year?

I'm going to fly my mother, father, and youngest sister out to visit with Mary and I. This will be my first Christmas season ever where I don't spend any time in the midwest.

I offered to fly my brother's girlfriend, as well, but she wasn't sure she'd have time enough off of work. I did not get a ticket for my brother because although there is a chance he will be back from Iraq by then, nothing is certain.

My reasons for doing this are two-fold:

First off, Mary is looking for a job. She's afraid that many places looking to hire would mainly be interested in hiring extra help for the holidays, and was afraid that she might end up being unable to head back home. She's much happier now that I'm bringing home to her.

The second reason is a little more selfish. For the last four years, I always spent at least part of the holiday season with Jeremy and his family. I really liked his family and I enjoyed spending time with them once a year, and I also cherished the time with him. We aren't dating any more and haven't been for some time now, but I will still miss the time spent with him over in Wisconsin. I guess I figured that if I shake things up, change around my holiday routine, I won't notice the other changes quite as much and there will be less danger of suffering from a bout of nostalgic holiday blues.

So, Christmas in Seattle! Joy, joy, joy.

"Litter and it will hurt," proclaim a host of freeway signs in the area.

Great. Here's to bullying the public into acting with consideration for their community and environment. That's got to be the best way to motivate.

Have you ever admired someone so much that you built them up in your mind to be larger than life, and then woken up one day to realize that they are just another person? It's not that you don't admire them anymore, but it's like you see them in a whole other light; all of a sudden you're on a level playing ground and you can relate to them like you'd relate to friends, or coworkers, or neighbors, or anyone else real.

It's a weird transition.

Bush Administration Defends Detainee Policy:

...The justices should not even get involved in any review of that power, because there is no constitutional doubt about it, the Justice Department argued in a lengthy legal brief. ...

Bah.

That's right, we don't need checks and balances. Let's put complete faith in our administration, happy little sheep. Baaaaa is right.

Royd Tolkien, the great-grandson of J.R.R. Tolkien, has a cameo in part III of the LOTR movie series, The Return of the King. Pretty damn cool.

Goodbye, F. A. O. Schwarz. :(

The commute this morning was crazy. My bus was already filled to capacity, standing room only. Then, halfway down the route, they pulled into a stop, made us all get off, and made us get onto a smaller bus so that the one we had been on could go into the shop. People had to smoosh up against each other and cram even into the stairwells on the second bus in order to fit.

Then, when we finally got to my final stop, the next bus on the same route got there at almost the same time. It's supposed to be 15 minutes behind us, but I guess we took a lot of time playing these silly bus-changing games.

Here's what's happening in my local IT industry:

Not only is AT&T cutting 70% of their IT staff, but they are forcing employees to train overseas replacements to do their jobs and they are blocking employee access to all media stories about offshoring.

Woah. Really not cool.

According to this article, my problem may simply be that I am an introvert trying to live my life as if I were an extrovert and failing miserably:

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."

Two hours alone for every hour of socializing? Now that I'm working in this tiny office around my officemate all day, I'm lucky if I get an hour to myself each day. At least I feel like that's the case. I don't know how much time I actually get to spend on my own, between work and friends and family, but it doesn't feel like enough.

Or it's entirely possible that the article is all bunk.

No offense meant to those of you who are my friends, by the way. This is an internal deal, I think. Not a problem with you.

Steve just randomly messaged me:

Steve says: how you doing?
Kathryn says: doing alright
Kathryn says: you?
Steve says: ok... ya know. the grind goes on.
Steve says: Seems like you haven't been feeling too well lately. Just wanted to tell you i was thinking about you. Smile :)

Sweet of him. We haven't spoken or hung out for a while, but he still notices that things are up with me; very nice. I do realize that I am lucky for the friends that I have.

Do you ever go through phases where you just don't want to be around your friends? Where even the people you are closest to grate on your nerves like nails on a blackboard?

Yeah.

I'm going through a super-antisocial phase. Often recently I find I don't want to be around people at all, especially my closest friends. But they expect that I'll spend this time with them and spend that time with them and there are all these commitments that they sign me up for and assume I'll go along with, and I do, so I'm around them all the time, but all the while I feel some craziness simmering inside me where nobody can see. I don't want to go anywhere, do anything, be around anybody, and I'll draw boundaries so that I'm not for a while, but then I always am again and there it is.

I'm not sure what's up with that.

I rarely get a night to myself, and when I do, it's never enough. I don't know how to make it enough. Do I need to just go into hermit-mode for a few days? A week? However long? Or would that only serve to exacerbate the problem?

I fell asleep on the bus again this morning. I'm afraid that one of these days, I won't wake up when the bus gets to my stop.

When my mother was a kid, 5 or 6 years old, she fell asleep on the bus ride home after school. Her older brother thought it would be a funny joke to leave her on the bus. She woke up later on, all alone at the end of the route. Very sad.

Here's to waking up for your bus stop and de-boarding.

I found out yesterday that someone I never thought would read my blog has been reading my blog. It's a strange feeling.

I think I'm glad, sometimes, that I don't know who regularly visits to the site. I'm afraid that if I did, it would mess with my head and I would self-censor my posts with specific people in mind as audience members, and that's really not what I'm shooting for with this journal. I'd like to be as open as possible and write for myself, not for any one specific person among you. I guess that's a mark against figuring out how to log visits.

I'm still not sure I'd like my mom to start reading, though. :)

I had raw broccoli for breakfast. My grandmother would be so proud.

Master/Slave "solution" -- I love it!