Saturday, June 14, 2003

I called Mike. Surprise, surprise.

I asked if we could get together to talk sometime. He wanted to right now. I told him that Mary was showering, I needed to shower, and we were going to have lunch with Alex, and suggested we meet in a few hours. He flipped out. He says he doesn't have a problem with waiting, but he has a problem with waiting while I'm "with Alex". It turned into another fight. (This is a recurring issue -- he has a problem with me spending time with any friends. He wants to be my first priority 100% of the time.) Why does he always have to be so fucking jealous and possessive? Alex is my best friend. He was here to pick me up last night when I was falling apart. He will be here for me if things work with Mike. He'll be here for me if things don't. I'm not going to cut him off just because Mike is too jealous to allow me to maintain friendships outside of our relationship.


I stuck by my guns. I'm going to meet with Mike in a few hours. Not sure yet how that'll go. Judging from our conversation right now, it doesn't look good, but things can change.
Ha. Following is an excerpt from a recent post on Yehoodi:

Phlurgs Theorem States:

"In order for a lead and follow to dance together, the lead's center has to be able to move the follow's center."

3) Since what really matters is "Are the leader and follower enjoying dancing together?" I have postulated "Son of Cult of Kimmie HM's Very Special Law of Relativity" (based, in part, on Einstein's prior work) which states:

"A dancer's enjoyment of a dance will vary inversely relative to the amount he or she wants their partner to be dancing differently from the way they are dancing. "

4) The corollary "Son of Cult of Kimmie HM's Extra Special Law of Relativity" states:

"Any dissatisfaction will be exacerbated exponentially if you are dancing with a relative or significant other."

Hah. The corollary explains quite a bit about several dances I've had with Mike.
I talked with Solomon for a while on IM this morning. He is such a flirt; worse than I am, maybe. Very attractive, tallented, geeky but in that sexy way that totally gets me, a bit of an ego, but again, just enough that it's a turn on. Reminds me in many ways of many of the guys I've fallen hard for over the years; Jon, Jeremy, Rob, Mike, Chris. But also very attached to someone else, and it's not like I don't have enough going on in my life, so it's not going to be anything more than friendship and flirting. I have a feeling that it's going to turn into a great friendship, though; I'm really looking forward to getting to know him better.
I'm not strong. I hate ending things. I hate letting things end. I told myself that I wasn't going to call him, that every time I open up or put myself out for him, he lashes out and hurts me, and that I can't keep letting that happen. I told myself that he has to make the first move this time if we're going to make up and fix things. I'm still telling myself that, but I'm not sure I'm going to hold out.

Well, it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
if'n you don't know by now
It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, baby
it don't matter anyhow
When the rooster crows at the break of dawn
look out your window, and I'll be gone
you're the reason I'm travelling on
and don't think twice it's alright

It ain't no use in turning on your light, babe
It's a light I never knowed
It ain't no use in turning on your light, baby -
I'm on the dark side of the road
I wish there were something you could do or say
to try and make me change my mind and stay
we never did too much talking anyway
and don't think twice it's alright

Ain't no use in calling out my name, gal
Like you never done before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more
I'm thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart; she wanted my soul
and don't think twice it's all right

I'm going down that long, lonesome road babe
where I'm going, I can't tell
goodbye is too good a word, babe
so I'll just say, "fare thee well."
I ain't saying you treated me unkind
I coulda done better but I don't mind
you just wasted my precious time
and don't think twice it's alright
don't think twice it's alright.

Mar just played a version of that tune done by the Indigo Girls with Joan Baez. I love the song, but had never heard that particular version. I liked it.

I wish I could be that. I wish I could walk away when I feel like it's time - I just never do. I start walking, but then I turn and look, and then I sit and wait and hope, and then I walk a little more, but walking backwards, and finally I switch my direction altogether and go back. I just can't say enough is enough. I wait until things dwindle and die on their own, instead of taking real action myself. Never anything more than half-action, until the situation has deteriorated enough that it forces an outcome.

Right now I'm sitting 20 feet down the road, all my things scattered about me, facing back towards Mike and hoping he notices. I feel like I should just get up and continue my journey away, but I don't want to. I want him to call out to me and bring me back to him.
Just so that I keep from letting this degenerate into a "everything sucks, my life is shit" sort of blog, I thought I'd mention that the night before last was a pretty damn good night. I opened and closed the Russian Center dance since Chris was off at the Harlem Jazz Dance Festival. That went pretty smoothly. The substitute teachers were good and the DJs were good. The music was all pretty fast, a bit much for the venue (not that there can't be fast at the RC, but I think more of a mix might have fit better). I enjoyed myself.

Then, after the dance, Kevin mentioned that Solomon was having people over to his host's house for after-hours blues. Mary, Kevin, Miles and I all tagged along, and the five of us blues danced the night away until 6 or 7 in the morning. Penny, his host, danced with us as well until 5 am or so. It was heavenly. I've not done much in the way of blues dancing before. It was a good time. Mary enjoyed herself, too. All good.
Last night was not a good night.

Mike and I had a fight. It was about stupid stuff; it always is. But there were bigger issues going on. He feels neglected. I feel frustrated at our inability to talk about that or to work on fixing it. The way he chooses to express himself when we argue makes me feel like he doesn't respect or care about my feelings, because he has a tendancy to cut me short whenever I'm saying anything he doesn't like, either by interrupting me to say something very hurtful, or by walking off. It doesn't matter what my intentions were; if it's phrased in a way that he doesn't like, it's enough to illicit that sort of reaction.

So anyway, I left. I told him I wanted him to come with me, but that I was really upset and needed to be in my own space, not at his parents' house. He didn't want to come. I told him that if he walked off in the middle of our conversation again, I would just leave. He did walk off again. I didn't leave right away -- I waited probably 30 minutes, sitting there in my car, hoping for something from him, although I'm not sure quite what, and hoping that it would not come down to me driving off alone and leaving him -- but it came down to that. It broke my heart.

I meant to go home, get smashed, and indulge in a few cigarettes, something that I haven't done in forever. It was meant to be both a celebration and a mourning session -- I was going to drink to celebrate having had the balls to walk away, and to mourn the possible loss of a relationship that has meant a lot to me, with someone I deeply love. I don't know for sure that it's a loss, but something last night felt very final. Now I'm just sad, and not thinking clearly about it at all.

Alex and Mary had just gotten home when I got there, though, so my plans were aborted. Alex didn't approve, so he stayed with me and tried to be helpfully supportive until I fell asleep. Then he left. I slept until an hour or so ago this morning.

Today's a new day, I guess. We'll see where it takes me.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

I was going to post something in my blog the other night, but blogger was down. Now I can't remember what I meant to post. Poo.