Saturday, June 11, 2005

Brian's Blog is gone! I know he hasn't posted for, like, 2 years, but still, it was sort of comforting clicking on the link every few months and looking at that last picture of snow. I feel so unsettled now.
I feel I should clear something up - I am actually a much happier person than my last few blog-posts might lead you to believe. Problem is that I have been jet lagged and overly tired, and when I am tired I am more prone to mood swings and to taking things less well than I might otherwise, and when I am in such a mood I feel like writing and venting and getting everything off my chest. Most of the time I am not in such a mood, with such a need for venting. But most of the time, when I am not in such a mood, I am also not writing, at least not currently. So if you read what I write but don't see or speak to me a whole lot, you get a very skewed picture of what is going on with my life.

Happy me! Really. I am.

Stefan and Komala and Burak and Kira are all here now. We had a lovely, lovely dinner, and then went dancing, and it was so nice! And now I'm trying to stay up a bit later so I can drive Jeremy to the airport to fly out to Europe. Alan's not on, so it's more boring than usual. But I will make it! Perhaps I will read an old fashioned, phyisical, binded book. Wouldn't that be strange.

Anyhow, don't be worring about me. Things are good.

And hey, thanks to all of you that have been checking in on me lately. I forget sometimes that people actually read this. It's nice though, to know that you do, and that you care. I love you, man.

Friday, June 10, 2005

From How to Overcome the Fear of Rejection: The Successful Rejection Experience by Jonathan Robinson, MA, MFT:
. . .Fortunately, each rejection got easier. In fact, I soon noticed that the women I spoke to seemed more nervous than I. My rejections were proceeding rapidly and smoothly until the seventh woman I approached. When I asked her for a date, she said, "Sure." I hadn't thought of the possibility of someone saying "Yes," so I said, "Sure what?" She finally convinced me she really wanted to go out with me. I wrote down her number, and in a state of happy amazement, soon asked another woman for a date. To my surprise, she also said "Yes." By this time, I was feeling totally at ease while I asked women out, and they frequently responded by giving me their phone number. In fact, after a while I had so many dates that I had to begin acting like a jerk in order to fill my quota of ten rejections (and get my $50 bucks back). . .
Cute, eh?
I am happy now. Had some water, washed my face, had some tea, curled up on the couch and IM'd with friends. Feeeliiin' good, chips are in a pile on the floor.
  • I'm lonely in tango. I wish I had a lead or two, here in Seattle, that I could practice with.
  • Also, I hate politics.
  • Also, I hate when people are fake-nice and ask you to do things under conditions that you can't meet so that you'll have to decline but they can still feel good about having asked. Thanks a @#$@#% lot.
  • It feels hypocritiical to be teaching with someone I never practice with, and rarely even social dance with. I'm tired of it. But at the same time, I love teaching, and I want to do it, and the person I mainly get to teach with isn't interested in these things right now.
  • I hate when people send me emails like, "I don't want to live with you or be your boyfriend. I just like fucking you." Even if it's sardonic and not meant seriously.
So many chips on my shoulder, and they're heavier at night. I need to catch up on my sleep.

(The grand plan failed. I forgot that I was hosting people for tango stuff this weekend, and some were getting here today, and so I was somewhat obliged to take them out to the dance tonight and stay up late. And I did. And now I'm super, super, super tired. And cranky. And things that might not normally bug me are bugging me a bunch.)

Anyways, I know that they're chips, and that I'd be happier if I could let them go. And why am I holding on to them? Do they make me happy? Do I like the feeling of holding on to them? $@#% no - but so far I'm not able to let them go.

Hello chips. I acknowledge you. You can go now. Go. Goodbye.


Did that work?

I think they're gone, maybe a little tiny bit. Still there, but lighter.

Go chips, go. Go now. Goodbye, chips.

Anyhow, tomorrow will be a better day. Ultimate tomorrow night! And Stefan and Komala get here. And I don't have work the following day, so I can take naps and stuff. Good times to be had.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Phase II of the grand plan has been moving along smoothly enough. I got up (fairly) early. I'm not super tired.

Now to see if I can fill my day such that I collapse and fall into a deep sleep straight away when I get home from work this afternoon / this evening...
I made the best omlette of my life tonight. Fresh mushrooms, organic green pepper, sharp white cheddar, cooked in my precious cast iron skillet. And I've got a perfect pink lady apple cut up with more of the cheese, and amazingly good organic cottage cheese on the side. And hot sake. It's a veritable feast.

The whole night has really diverged from my normal routine. First I ended up late at work, and missed school. By the time I left it was a choice between making a measly hour of class, and skipping it entirely. I skipped. Headed over to the Century to drop off some flyers for Stefan and Komala's workhops this coming week, but instead of staying to dance, I left. Caught Tina on the phone, and she agreed to bring Buffy over to my house instead of watching it by herself. I picked up food (mushrooms, green pepper, apple, cheese, sake) at the market and met her at my place.

My place has been a mess lately. The kitchen, in particular, has been terrible. Tina was good enough to hang out patiently while I cleaned it, top to bottom. It's so much nicer to cook in a clean kitchen, you know? Then she put on Buffy and I made my feast. Finished it, came over, sat with her a bit, and watched the rest of the episode. Then she had to leave.

Now I am watching Spiderman II, alone, and eating the rest of my dinner. Well, mostly alone. Louie is here too.

This may be the first time in years that I have watched a movie alone. Sometimes you gotta do stuff like that, though, you know?

Actually, I have grand plans to catch up with my jet lag this way. Stay up late. Drag myself out of bed early tomorrow. Muster through the day as best I can, and then tomorrow night - no school, no commitments, nothing I have to attend - so I'll hit the sack really early, and hopefully wake up bright and early Friday morning, feeling refreshed and fine. Just fine.

That's the plan, yo. Gotta go. Spiderman and I have a date to keep.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

I've been writing about China, but haven't finished yet. Will post more on the trip later. Let me just say now, though, that the trip was awesome, perhaps one of the high points of my life so far.

China aside, tonight is not a good night. I'm feeling pretty frustrated with nearly everyone I know. My stuff moved around while I am gone, the couch taken apart several days ago and still not put back together (the cover was left in the wash yesterday - i put it in the dryer then, where it still remains, so i am just taking care of it myself now), something stolen from Jaimes's room and Miles doesn't seem to care, rent not paid yet despite my having left my roommates a check before I left for China, and still not paid despite having called Chris to ask again today when I noticed my check sitting on the windowsill (he said he would take care of it when he got home)...

And I'm lonely, and feeling pretty distant from most people I would generally consider friends, and I'm jet lagged, and up in the middle of the night which means tomorrow will be brutal, and I am tired of being busy. And school is a mess - didn't manage to tie everything up at the end of last term, which means I have to take care of it all this week or risk being put on probation. And work may well get messy soon - it looks like I'll be picking up more work in areas that are not my strengths. And I'm sick of people always flaking out, saying they'll do things and not, saying they'll be somewhere and not showing up, putting other things or other people or the latest greatest girl that they're pursuing far ahead of me on their list of priorities.

Yeah. It's a pity party.