Saturday, August 23, 2003

Just got done watching Frida. I really liked it - it's going on the "want to own" list. I like the way it portrays life and love and art -- especially love; what it could be, what we hope it to be, what it actually is, and how various people deal with it when we find it's not exactly what we had hoped.
Oooh, and did I mention that Brian blogged again? Kickass!

And if that weren't enough, now I've got him cornered on IM too. Schweeeeeat, schwing batta batta schwing.
Things aren't necessarily looking so good for SCO. Glad to see it.

Today's a good morning.

This is a good weekend.

Sun's up, I'm up, I'm happy and feelin' fine.

I do miss my roommates, but it is nice to have quiet space to myself in the morning. Nice to have a friend over and share it with just that one person. Nice to hang with my dog. Nice to have things in my space on my terms... it feels like I'm on vacation. And it's just a normal Saturday morning on a normal weekend.

Friday, August 22, 2003

Still at work. Why am I still here? I do not know. I have been struggling over the same SQL issue for the last 3 hours, and still have not resolved it.

On that note, I am deciding now that I am not going to resolve it this week. Suck - I'll have to start out the week next Monday dealing with this cruddy issue. I need to leave this nasty flourescent place, though.

Good night, work. Good bye, building X*.

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
Signing off to eat macaroni and watch "10 Things I Hate About You". Joy! Peace out, all.
(For those of you who weren't there to see me, I cut all my hair off today during my lunch break. Also, last night when Miles, Alex, and I were shopping, I bought clothes that actually fit me. This is the first time I've really owned well-fitting clothes since I lost a bunch of weight a year ago or whatnot. It is quite a change... I don't see myself in mirrors when I pass by them right now, because the image I see is so different from my current internal representation of myself.)
Everyone talked to me tonight. Well, everyone outside of Mark Kihara. People who never seemed to notice me before now came up and complimented me on my hair. Adam Noble said I looked really good, and then said again to emphasize. Elisa gave me a hug. Even Lee approached me and talked to me. It was a crazy night.

Chris says it's because changing something drastically about yourself, like your hair, is an ice breaker.

My theory was that I'm one of "the pretty people" now, and people like the pretty people better.

Maybe some of both. Who knows.

Thursday, August 21, 2003

Finally, he leaves. But only after he talks on his cellphone for a full five minutes in the LOUDEST VOICE POSSIBLE to the person waiting downstairs for him.


Wednesday, August 20, 2003

I had dinner with Alex, Miles, and Steve tonight, and then afterwards Alex, Miles, and I went shopping. It was fun.

And now, for whatever reason, I am feeling so happy. I haven't felt this good in a long time. Sooooo good, such a good night... life is good.
Ack. It's scary how many of those Conversational Terrorist acts I can remember having committed. Maybe I'm a conversational freak.
Ever been stuck in a conversation you couldn't deal with? Wanted things to go your way, but just couldn't figure out how to work it? Check out this Guide To Conversational Terrorism: maybe it'll help you develop your offensive for the future.
I just got done reading Mary's latest blog entries. She went to the intersection where her Jeremy died, and posted a letter directed at him. It was really sad. Made me cry.

I got really mad at Mr_X0, because he kept talking at me while I was reading it - and talking about things that don't matter, and that he's said to me a million times already anyway. He's always talking at me, whether I'm doing actual work or wasting time, even now that I have headphones. I didn't say anything about it, though. I just acted as if I couldn't hear him due to the music playing. I know that's not a great way of dealing, but responding only encourages it. Or something.

I'm so much less tollerant of some things now than I used to be. I find other people's actions annoying, many of which I would have been okay with a few years ago. I wonder when or why that changed.
Chris and I made plans over a week ago to hang out tonight. He's been hellishly busy, I've been pretty busy, and there just hasn't been time. I just found out that he misread his schedule, is actually teaching a class tonight, and has to cancel on me.

I'm randomly wearing a Canada sweatshirt today.

Then I read this article about how file-sharing, even music file-sharing, is legal in Canada: Blame Canada.

Everything's cheaper in Canada. And everybody has health care.

And they don't have Bush up there!

I want to be Canadian. Why am I stuck down here?
I love food.

Earlier I was hungry - I hadn't eaten much this morning or last night - and, upon refection, I discovered that I like the feeling of hunger. It's a feeling you can really latch onto. Makes you feel alive.

But boy, I like food too. My aunt gave me some tomatoes and green beens from her garden when I saw her on Monday night. I brought one of the tomatoes to work today, and just now I cut it up and put it on the sandwich I'd brought with me. It is soooo good. Yum.
I had a night to myself last night. Went to game night for a little while, but left really early. Called Brian and talked to him for a while. (He's the one I fell asleep on. Sorry, Brian. :( Stupid Kathy.) Was going to call Chris A. to eat with him later, but didn't manage to get ahold of him after I woke up again. Spent the rest of the time on my own, and fell asleep for the rest of the night before 12:15 am.

Now here I am, 7:20 am, and I'm awake. Feeling totally rested, and a little bit more...together...than I have been recently, I think. Didn't need an alarm to get up, even. Crazy.

Maybe I've been too peopled out lately or something. Maybe more time on my own would help? Not sure.

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

I fell asleep tonight while talking to someone on the phone. That hasn't happened in ages. I'm such a dork - grrr. I hate when I do @#$% like that.
So there was this stuff at work that I was just banging my head against. It stressed me out to no end the last few days.

I finally went and talked to my boss about it, and Bing!, now everything is better. Strange how communication can help things. My instinct is always to avoid it if there are troubles; don't communicate the troubles, don't show weakness, just hide until you figure it out yourself and can triumphantly display your results.

Turns out he knew I was going to hit a brick wall, and had me doing it as an exercise - he wanted to let me make that discovery for myself so that I could really own the knowledge about what the situation is and what is needed. :P Now that I've completed the exercise, he's going to give me the extra things I need in order to get my stuff done.

Anyhow, work should start being less stressful again now.
Funny how I can dish out the advice, but when it comes to my own life, someone tells me basically the same thing I've told them in the past and it seems so novel.
Me>> [he's] the one with all the control right now.

Brian> Exactly right, you've given it to him. All of it. Right now I think you feel like so much of your life is in his hands and he's walking away from it. That isnt the case. Your life is yours. Your happiness is yours to decide. Regain some of that. It starts with you.
Brian missed his true calling; he shoulda been a shrink. He's a fount of endless good advice.

Mental note: My life is mine. My happiness is mine to decide. It starts with me.

Mmm hmm... yeah.
Love the One You're With


And there's a rose, in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies, with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love -
love the one you're with

Don't be angry, don't be sad
Don't sit cryin' over good times you had
There's a girl right next to you
and she's just waitin' for something to do

Alex says: maybe it's your subconscious telling you that you should start writing erotica. :D
Alex says: *duck*
Kat says: ha.
Kat says: I was thinking about that during "10 Things I hate About You" the other day.
Kat says: if that silly guidance counselor can write erotica when she is bored on the job
Kat says: why can't I?
Kat says: ;-)
Kat says: Was trying to develop my first plot line.
Harlequin, here I come.
I dreampt last night that I had sex with one of my dance instructors. One of my female dance instructors, to be more specific. I initiated. Seduced her, and she went with it.

I'm not quite sure what that means.
Good vs. Evil - who will win? Looks like someone went and wrote a "good" worm to combat the Blaster worm. Cute.
So how much crazier do you all think I am, now that you have access to this blog? I mean, these aren't exactly the writings of a woman at peace with herself.
KEXP 90.3 fm. Kick ass.

I had thought I was in the mood for dance music, but C89.5 failed me. The day I finally remember to bring headphones is the one day the player won't load.

Turns out I'm more in the mood for KEXP anyway - they're playing some kick ass tunes this morning. If you're into off-color non-mainstream music at all, you should check them out. I don't love all of their programming, but there are days that they're so on.
On suggestion from Brian:
Time to go to work,
work all night.
Gotta get underpants we.
We won't stop until
we have underpants.
Lots of yummy pants we.
Please note, though, Brian - this is a going to work song, not a going home from work song. My other song was better suited to last night.

Monday, August 18, 2003

The end of the work day seems just a little bit closer, having made after-work plans.

After work today, I am going to head down to the Kirkland waterfront with my aunt, my cousin, my friend Miles, and possibly my friend Steve to eat wraps and smoothies from World Wraps out in the sunshine. Jeremy, I will think of you while I am there.

Then the dance. Yay!

Then pour over several health insurance plans, that I might choose the least of many evils. Boo.

Then sleep. Sleep is always good. It will be better when I start in with the lucid dreaming, but I doubt that will happen tonight. Or any time soon, seeing as it hasn't happened yet over all the course of my twenty five years.

Just two more hours to go fighting these stupid deployments, and then I can leave. Two... more... hours...
We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in our mine the whole day through
To dig dig dig dig dig dig dig is what we really like to do
It ain't no trick to get rich quick
If you dig dig dig with a shovel or a pick
In a mine! In a mine! In a mine! In a mine!
Where a million diamonds shine!

We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig from early morn till night
We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig up everything in sight
We dig up diamonds by the score
A thousand rubies, sometimes more
But we don't know what we dig 'em for
We dig dig dig a-dig dig

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's home from work we go

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho


Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho hum

(Chorus three times)

Heigh-ho (until fade)
I want to go home from work.
Ack - my blog template seems to be going crazy. I'll have to fix it, although I'm probably not going to have time for at least a couple days.

On another note, why do I check things over and over again when I never really expect to see what I'm looking for? Like waiting for someone to call, or doing a "Send and Receive" check on my email again and again, hoping to hear from someone who I'm almost positive is not going to contact me. Stupid, that's what that is. Or I am. Or something.

Sunday, August 17, 2003

My grandmother wrote the following of one of my uncles in a letter that she sends out to all of her grandchildren:
". . .I had a bunch of "hyper-active" kids. Joseph was, perhaps, the most hyper. He was tentaitvely diagnosed with ADD (Attention Defecit Disorder when he was 3, but I refused to allow the tests to confirm it or to put him on medication. I always thought the medication made kids stupid. At the first "open school", Joseph was by far the most active child there, among a bunch of kids who tended to be over-active. Our first head-teacher did an experiment with him one day. He read two different new stories to a group of children. During the first, Joseph was near-by, running a toy truck back and forth and looking as though he was not paying any attention to the story. During the second story, Joseph was encouraged to sit quietly and just listen to the story. The next day, Joseph was asked about each of the stories. He was able to tell the whole of the first story with all its details. He couldn't remember much about the second. It was as though when he was asked to sit quietly, he used up all his energy being quiet and had none left over to listen with. I observed the same thing at home. . ."
Interesting that others in my family have found that, too. In college I found that I got a lot more out of my courses if I allowed myself to fidget just a bit. I'd bring an array of multi-colored pens and switch back and forth between colors to take my notes. Just the action of switching and the slight distraction of focusing on colors were enough to allow me to more fully absorb whatever the subject matter was.
We've been watching Waking Life on and off over the last few days. It has some pretty snazzy animation - the entire movie was shot first with a small, hand-held digital camera, and was edited and assembled that way. Then the animators used software to convert the digitally photographed movie into an animation that resembles the scenery and actors very closely. I thought the movment, the weight of objects, the way characters sat in repose was just amazing. I'd like to see more of this sort of animation.

That aside, the movie moves rather slowly and we kept falling asleep while watching. This time through Mar, Laur, and Louie have fallen asleep, but I've been awake writing letters and caught some bits of the movie I had missed up to now.

Lots of talk of dreaming, of lucid dreaming, of being able to control dreams.

I go through phases where I have nightmares all the time, every night, for months on end. Nightmares or not, my dreams tend to be fairly vivid. I've kept dream journals in the past, but even in retrospect I'm not often able to make much sense of my dreams. I used to try to get into lucid dreaming, just for some control. I'm feeling now like I might try it again, for curiousity's sake.

Have any of you ever done it sucessfully? How did you start?
Alex is DJing tomorrow night with Idaho Dave! Kick ass! Looking forward to dancing...
I just got done cutting Mary's hair. I played around with layering it a little bit; it turned out well, if I do say so myself. I could have been happy cutting people's hair for a living.

Who wants to sit in front of a computer screen messing with bits all day? How did I ever get started down this path, anyhow? Bah.
I just proofed the letter that Mary is going to send to Jeremy's family so that she could start transcribing it onto the card we picked up yesterday. It's a beautiful letter -- in it, she shares some of the better memories she has of him with his family, and her love for him shows through in everything she writes -- but it's so sad. It left me in tears again.

Don't any of you die.

Don't, not any time soon. I hate endings. I hate regret. I don't want to lose any of you before I've said everything I ever mean to say to you.

The other day, we bought postcards, notecards, stationary. I went overboard, and I think it's partially because of all of this that has been going on. I don't want to take anybody forgranted. I want to let everyone that I care about in any way know that I care about them, while I have a chance to do so. I let too many people slide too far away from me. Never talk to them, never call, never write... it doesn't mean I don't care, or that I don't feel love anymore, because I do.

Why do I do that? Why do I get so caught up in stupid little things that I forget to reach out to the people who have touched me over the years? In the grand scheme of things, there are so many things I worry about that ultimately aren't going to matter, and so many things that will matter greatly to me at some point down the road that, still, I let slide over and over again. I don't know how to keep my priorities straight. What will I regret someday? What haven't I done, who haven't I spoken to, who haven't I made amends with that I might never have a chance to again?
I walked around my room
Not thinking,
just sinking in this box
Blamed myself for being too much like somebody else
I never thought I would just bend this way

And a phone call made me realize
that I'm wrong
If I don't make it known
that I've loved you all along
Just like the sunny days
that we ignore because we're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

- Excerpt from "4am" by Our Lady Peace
Mary, Laurie, packing...


Why does everything always have to end?
Mar and Laur and I just finished watching The Pianist. Actually, I just finished watching it - they're both asleep.

Good film, perhaps even a great film, but man, what a downer. And now I'm awake, and a bit depressed now, and they're sleeping. Awake with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. I suppose I should get used to it - I'll be living alone soon enough.