Monday, December 22, 2008

Day 3. Or 4? I don't even know any more.

This can't really be Seattle...can it??

It just keeps right on snowing!

Yes, those things just barely peeking out are cars.

This isn't some rural area. I didn't stray any further than 5 steps outside my front door to take any of these photos, and I live smack dab in the middle of the city, just north of the University District.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

And Obama Wins...

Had an incident with Jaimes that predicated that last post. It unfortunately happened just before the election was declared for Obama.

I'm glad that Obama won.

This other stuff has got me so caught up that I can't quite appreciate the election fully, though.

Ah well, I guess there are the next 4 years left for it to sink in.

Where Do I Belong?

Starting to wonder sometimes if I'm making the wrong choice, sticking around here in Seattle. Staying home with Ravenna, living on very tight financial means, tying ourselves to Jaimes, who can be very unpredictable and at times exceedingly difficult.

I want to enable Jaimes and Ravenna to have a good relationship. At the same time, he has little to no respect for me, and so will at times treat me with utter contempt, or he act in ways that are completely inappropriate. What sort of example am I setting for Ravenna to perpetuate this?

Then there is the issue of support. So many people that I used to consider friends have dropped out of my life in the last few years, either after I had Ravenna, or when Jaimes and I split. There are some still around who have proven themselves beyond any doubt, but lately they are busier and busier with their own lives. Seattle is becoming a rather lonely place for me.

I'm not sure I like the way that MN is developing or that I have a great desire to live there again, but at least there I would have family around. That's something special that Ravenna is missing right now.

I love being with Ravenna all day every day and it would break my heart in some small way to give that up to go back to work, but I could make us a good living, and who's to say that some other daily arrangement wouldn't be just as good for her? Children often love day care and pre school and thrive in environments with other children.

I'm so torn up about it all.

What's the right thing?

Is there a right thing?

If I did something else, then she'd be missing everything she has now; my full attention all day every day, a few hours most days spent playing with her father who adores and dotes on her, relationships with several close friends of mine who are really are a sort of "family" to her...and that's all special too. She's such an amazing child, and she's really thrived so far.

Would I be happier somewhere else? Or even here, still, but doing something else? Maybe.

Is that worth giving up these things? I just don't know.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Hair Cut

Here it is! I'm still not sure whether I like it or not.

I had been thinking about cutting it really short, sort of following the line of my jaw. Chantal, who cut my hair, thought that would be really extreme -- except the thing is I've had that sort of cut many times, so it's not that drastic in that I'm already used to the way it looks on me. I've never had this cut so it somehow feels more extreme. Every time I walk by the mirror I catch myself thinking, "Who is that?"

Then again, it's only been an hour. Plenty of time still to warm up to it.

Sleep, Where Are You?

Why is it so hard to sleep when you've got stuff on your mind? Wouldn't it make more sense to drift soundly away and work it all out in your dreams? In your subconscious?

I'm so rarely an insomniac, I just don't know what to make of it. What to do with it.

I'd like to just stay up and do something mindless, clean or code or paint or cook or...something, anything, but Ravenna will wake up in the next 3-5 hours irregardless of how well or how long or how little I have slept. And oh will I regret this then.

Back to lie down, close my eyes, and wish for sleep to find me...

Thursday, October 09, 2008


It is cold today!
Seattle is cold.
My house is cold.
I am cold.
Cold to the bone.
Cold to through and through.

Here I be, a proud thing, having conquered many issues with kindling, structure, starters, showing off me first made fire in this place! Success! Light! Warmpth! Heat!

Ahh, fire.

Life is so good in this moment.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Another Blast From the Past

Hadn't looked at this in years. Pretty sure I drew it in about the same time frame, maybe a year or so before I got the tattoo.

My tattoo

This picture is years old, shoulda posted it when I first got the tattoo, in...what? 2004? But I'm not sure if I ever did. It's my only tattoo, and it's my own design.


I have a crush on a man who is, for a number of reasons, absolutely unavailable. I really like him. And it just doesn't matter at all.

I haven't really felt this way since I was a teenager. Consumed with some feeling that I just can't find the words for, not able to really convey in a way that does it any justice. Can't find the right words, the right picture, the right anything. There's a bit of sadness to it, a bit of bitter sweet, something of an awakening, a bit of a feeling that it's good to be feeling anything at all.

It's all pushing on my chest; wrapped up in a cocoon but the cocoon is too hard, reinforced on the outside, I can't break out.