Monday, October 24, 2011

Time, again

There's never enough time in the day.

I wish I had 2 or 3 minions that I could just set to do my bidding all day, every day, when I head off to school.

  • a Laundry-Cooking-Shopping Minion
  • an Unpacking-Boxes Minion
  • a TakingDownWallpaper-PatchingWalls-Painting Minion.

Yes, I think I could be content with that.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011


Time is slipping through my fingers. Yesterday, I was standing right there...and now suddenly 3 years are past.

It reminds me a bit of sitting in the back seat of the car as a child, trying to focus on the world swirling by outside. I'd set my attention to one spot and it would come into focus - a tree, an overturned wheelbarrow, and a field spreading out behind - but I could only hold it for a short moment before it slipped away. All the while everything surrounding that spot rushed by in such a blurred haze that I could not pick out any details except for swishes of color.

And, yet, if I did not apply that focused attention to singular spots along the way, they also becomes nothing more than a swish of colors rushing by.

That streaming, unfocused rush of colors ultimately consumed everything.

That is how life feels right now. I can focus on scattered spots here and there to bring them out in more clarity, but everything else is a rush and a swirl, and even these focused spots ultimately get caught up in the whirl as well.


I miss english muffins and bagels. Hard bread just isn't the same.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


The first several months were really hard.

Things are starting to pick up now.

I'm actually starting to feel at home.

Still some hurdles to overcome and a lot of adjusting to do, but the sun is coming out and it's spring in more ways than one. Here comes the sun, little darlin', here comes the sun... and I say, it's all right.

I am meaning to come out of my antisocial hibernation and start catching up on correspondence one of these days soon, and perhaps start taking and posting pictures. Will link that here if I don't put it here in the first place.


I never knew there was a word for it.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Small Happiness

I'm glad, though, that blogger is letting me post properly. When I posted the r.i.p. post I actually had to send it from my email to blogger, because I could not get the blogger posting page to load on any window on any browser. The frustration I felt, wanting so badly to express something, and the tools themselves blocking my way.

Spring Cleaning...Wish It Were Spring, Anyway

I went cleaning out spam comments, just now, and...a great deal of the non-spam comments that exist on this blog were from bem.

So many thoughtful responses to the random, infrequent posts these last few years.

I miss bem.

Wednesday, January 05, 2011

R.I.P. bem

R.I.P. bem

A friend of mine passed away today.

Brian was one of my first close friends off the internet.  I played a MUD back from....1995 to 2001, maybe, and he was the implementer.  

If he was here, still, he would have been one of the first people to read this post; even after all these years and my long periods of blogging inactivity, he still kept an eye on here.

He lived in Portland, OR, which is close to Seattle, so when I moved there in 2000 I would see him every so often. 

I helped him through some rough times in his life, and he was strong and supportive for me through some of mine.

His MUD ( 9000) went down in the early 2000's, but someone from the MUD convinced him to put it back up a year ago.  I logged on tonight for the second time in maybe 8 years.  Talking to people who I was fond of, in the way that I am fond of Rampage people now, when I was 16, 17, 18....

It felt surreal.

There was someone logged in tonight who had a ring item that had been "engraved".... by me.  And his description had all sorts of nods to me.  I could hardly remember who he was, but I had the distinct sense that it was someone I had liked quite well at some point in my life.

It's a bit unsettling to realize there's so much I can't remember.

And that time keeps on flowing by.

And I might be gone, at any moment.

Or if I'm still here, soon enough the moments I am living now will be moments that are lost to my memory.

A few years ago Brian met the love of his life, and about three years ago, asked her to marry him.  I think the last time I saw him was at his wedding.  He was so happy.  This woman and this relationship really seemed to transform him.  Every time I talked to him since, he seemed so happy.

It feels like - it was too soon.

He isn't that much older than me, he was a peer.

He'd recently found such great happiness in his life.

I loved him, he was very dear to me -

I meant to visit him before I moved to Sweden, but that's one of the things that never happened, I was so busy.  Now it's too late.

I wasn't ready to lose him.

It's awful to see him go so soon after he had found great happiness in his life.

It makes me feel more mortal myself.  I feel very blessed these last few years, but I could pass away and lose it all at any time.

Or lose the people closest to me.

It's scary.

And, my friend, Brian - it's sad.

I wrote him a mail today, after I found out.  I know he'll never read it, but -  I needed to say goodbye, somehow.

Brian, I will miss you.

I do miss you.

I am sad.