Jeremy wrote in a comment to my last post:

Your feelings are natural, Kat; I think everyone wants to feel like he/she can trust the person he/she is in a relationship with.

Of course, one can explicitly test that faith to see if it's there. OTOH, I would argue that numerous events in life regularly put relationships to the test. Oftentimes, if someone is still with you after a significant period of time then they have passed some tests along the way. And they have almost certainly passed tests that you have not seen.

So, my point is this: there's no need for you to test those who are in a relationship with you - life's happenings will offer up all the tests you and your sig other could ever need.

I know that there's no need. Part of the problem is that I don't even realize I'm doing it when I do it, I don't think.

Any of you who are or have been close to me can probably pick out specific instances in the past where I have pushed lines with you - explicitly done something I knew you didn't like or were uncomfortable with, even though I knew you felt that way.

When it's happening I tend to think, "I'm just being who I am. This is who I have always been. Why can't you accept that and deal with it?" I probably put it off that way to you. Rationalizing, fighting for my right to be me and do things "my way". And if you stand up for yourself, I fight all the harder and push all the more.

The odd thing is that whatever the line is, whatever I'm doing - it's not necessarily the way I always do, have done, or will do things. I do sometimes have relationships where I call the other person every day and place a high priority on being consistent and timely with communication. I don't always have relationships where I'm extremely affectionate with people outside the relationship. I don't always push to get rid of "defining terms" like "dating exclusively". But at the time, whatever issue it is I'm fighting about, I feel like it is a defining part of who I am, something I need to be able to do to "be myself", and I fight for that tooth and nail. Push as hard as I can.

It's only in retrospect that I see patterns, and come to think that maybe I was testing you to see if you'd stick with me, no matter how bad it got. And then I feel justified when you don't.

I'm not sure how to get out of that pattern, since I don't seem to recognize what's going on when it's relevant.