Thursday, April 08, 2004

I'm such a contradiction.

So many moments lately I feel my life is a gift, that this day, right now, this moment is one of the best I've ever had.

I'm thankful for colors, for landscapes, for sunshiny weather, for close friends and family. I'm grateful that I have the ability to think, to reason, to appreciate everything around me. Thankful for dance, for movement, for a working body, for creativity and expression.

I am aware of my own mortality, and all the more appreciative of everything I have right now because of this awareness. The relationships I am a part of, the connections I make, the scenes before me, the landscapes, everything that comprises the fabric of my life -- all of it is transitory and will become something else with time. Dust in the wind. But for the time being, it is all something wonderful, magical, and I feel privileged and blessed. There is so much goodness, I feel my life is charmed.

At the same time, I had the following conversation today, and there is truth in it as well:

FeebleAntelope says: XXXX?
Kathryn says: Er...
Kathryn says: I've kind of been avoiding XXXX.
Kathryn says: and I don't think it would be good to start up with that agian right now.
FeebleAntelope says: oh man..... you silly little twit.....
FeebleAntelope says: ;) sexy twit.....
Kathryn says: i've been a bit of an antisocial freak lately.
Kathryn says: pushing everyone in my life awya
FeebleAntelope says: why pushing away? Antisocial? Things are getting bad?
FeebleAntelope says: I actually thought that you might have been using YYYY as a device to push me away.... I don't think such a thing is really *that* bad and it can be an effective method but I'm sorry.
FeebleAntelope says: :'(:$:S
FeebleAntelope says: (or more specifically, since I was already withdrawing, as a device to ensure I didn't drift back) But again...... silly guy here. Don't throw anything at me.
Kathryn says: i think i'm a little depressed
Kathryn says: i wasn't trying to push you away using YYYY
Kathryn says: i've been pushing everyone away
Kathryn says: i really like what i have with ZZZZ, but at the same time i'm depressed by it, because he pulls me in but keeps me at such a distance at the same time, and i'm not quite strong enough to say "i deserve more than this" and give it up.
Kathryn says: so i'm freaking out a little bit
Kathryn says: i'm doing things like sleeping late
Kathryn says: and cutting out from things
Kathryn says: and skipping all the lindy stuff
Kathryn says: and some tango stuff
Kathryn says: and not making time to see friends
Kathryn sends: "Donnie Darko - Mad World.mp3"
Kathryn says: strangely enough, was listening to this just now, and it's sort of how I feel
Kathryn says: I dunno.
Kathryn says: I am prone to clinical depression, and it's probably at least partially that (it's been a few years, but the signs are there that it's coming back), and i should probably see someone, but my insurance doesn't cover mental health and i don't feel like i can afford it
So I'm the happiest I've ever been and yet, at the same time, I am slipping into a bit of a funk.

How can that be?

And yet believe that both are true. I have no doubt of my happiness, but I feel twinges of depression as well.

Perhaps I am happy in part because of the depression? The one highlights the other, sets it off. In contrast each is something more.

I'm going to start painting again. Harness some of this emotion, all this feeling churning within me. I feel like my emotions are in technicolor right now, all I need is an outlet to harness them and there will be something beautiful. So much happiness, colored here and there with splashes of melancholy, nostalgia, madness.

I have a friend who owns a consignment shop. She occasionally displays artwork in the store and sells it, and has offered to put some of mine up if I would like. It's an interesting thought. If my paintings turn out to be anything, I might consider it.

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