Monday, November 08, 2004

I've not, for the most part, had to deal yet with death on a personal level. I mean, my grandfather died when I was two. I don't remember him at all. A cousin died at sixteen about four years ago, but he grew up across the country from me and I never really knew him. Recently one of my great aunts passed away, but I only have vague memories of seeing her at family reunions when I was a child. I've had a number of pets pass away, but it's not the same, you know?

That's it.

None of my friends have ever passed away. None of my daily acquaintances. All of my immediate family is healthy. My living grandfather got very sick once, but he got better. Nobody that I've ever been really close to has died.

How will I handle it when I am suddenly confronted with death?

I don't know how to deal with people I am close to when they are confronted with death. I don't know how to relate. I feel suddenly inadequate.

Can I really understand the life and death cycle on a deeper level without ever having been confronted with it?

I think I still have, to the core of my bones, some misguided feeling that I am immortal. That I always have been, just as I am now, and always will be.

Also, I think I have the same notions in relation to everyone I am close to, to family, to friends. To anyone I love. They will always be, just as they are now. I know it's irrational, but some deep part of me still feels it.

Do most people feel that way?

Some people?

Is it just me?

It's all so irrational, but so deep within me. How will I get by when I am actually faced with death, when these deeply held beliefs all crumble?

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