Tuesday, December 07, 2004

One of Alex's friends died in a plane crash on Sunday afternoon.

Alex is sad.

It makes me worry for the friends of mine who fly.

It makes me feel inadequate as a friend. I don't know what it is to have a friend die. I have not yet experienced that.

It makes me feel more mortal. What would happen to my dog if I passed on? Who would notify my family if something happened to me? Who would even know how to contact my family?

And I feel more acutely the mortality of those around me. What if this were the last time I ever spoke to he, or she, or you? How would I ever come to terms with it? We are all mortal, and the time will come when these things become a reality, no longer idle questions -- how will I hold up? Will I hold up?

Why do we live in this world, just to die? Why expend so much effort living, doing, working, buzzing about, when it all comes to nothing in the end? Why do we waste so much time on so many things that matter so little, when time is a limited commodity?

Susie's rat died the other day, also. This rat mothered the rats I had out here in Seattle last year. I was home for my brother's wedding last weekend and held the rat on Sunday afternoon. Two days ago, it was happily crawling up and down Susie's scarf, and I was petting it and playing with it. And now it is dead.

It's sad. And so much. So beyond my understanding. Life, death, time, mortality... I can't get my head around them.

No comments: