One is confident, excited, espousing to friends and family my joy and enthusiasm. Animated, purposeful. Planning, saving, building. A strong face, and a public face.
The other is fearful. Worried. This is a private face, only shows when I am alone. When I am this person, I feel as if I am an inferior man-made structure facing an unyielding storm. My levies are leaking, creaking with the weight of the water. In these private moments I cry, I rock myself back and forth, I feel the ground slipping beneath me.
What does it mean, that these facets of myself are becoming more distinct? Could this separation be an expression of underlying weakness? I do believe that it is good for parents to show their children strength, unification, sureness and conviction. To be able to take their doubts and hesitations and keep them private so the child can feel assured and safe. And here I am, on the road to parenthood. But at what point does it become unhealthy, too much, an unnatural and dangerous separation?
...admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.
- Bob Dylan, The Times They Are A-Changin'