Tuesday, May 01, 2007


I realized a short while ago that I do Jaimes, myself, and everyone who knows me a disfavor when I post on here as I have the last few months.

When I am frustrated and upset, it is all too easy to vent my feelings in this forum, forgetting that I am content a much greater portion of the time and not representing this contentment at all. There just doesn't seem so much to write in times of happiness, not so much a need to let my feelings out.

Added to that, I find sometimes it is almost more difficult for me to admit to happiness than to upset. To say it out loud, to display it...sometimes I am hindered by a sense of shame and guilt. What if you, who are witness to my happiness, are not happy right now yourself - am I rubbing salt in your wounds if I ungraciously show my current good fortune? This may be paranoid. It may be stupid. But whatever it is, it is, and it colors sometimes what I say. My shame leads me to speak softly about my contentment if I am not sure of my audience.

This leads directly to a distorted representation of my life. Bumps in the road are magnified. while the road itself, along with all accompanying scenery, is muted, if not entirely hidden from view.

I guess what I am trying to say is this - I am happy. I am happy in my life, I am happy with motherhood, I am happy with Jaimes.

And Jaimes - he is not a beast. He is not perfect, and he wounds me from time to time, but he also inspires me with a spirited soul, he loves me with a generous heart, and he treasures our child with his entire being. I cannot box him up and contain him as I sometimes am wont to do, but try as I may, I don't really want to.

I am blessed with more than my fair share of love, joy, and contentment. Not always, perhaps, but what is happiness if it does not have a background of occasional trouble to contrast against? I would not want perfection.

But the life I have...I want it.

Perhaps someday soon I will find a way to write about it and represent it in a more balanced fashion.

1 comment:

Kathryn said...

Archived comments:

Happiness is more in you than in environmentaround you., more you discover it in you more you can transfer it to the environment around you., it is all in balancing contentment and desire... good seeing you back mama.
Anonymous | 05.01.07 - 4:30 pm | #

Haha, yes, I have experienced the same thing in my own personal reality (or lack thereof...): it is easy to post "life sucks" stuff, and when life is good, well, the last thing I want to do is ruin it by focusing on the bad or writing crappy html online. Ewww.

As Cohen says: There is a crack in everything -- that is how the light gets in.

I'm just glad to see you posting something. I like knowing you still exist. Post random smears of letters if you want.

(Or start using last.fm so I can see that at least you're listening to music, so I know you're alive.)
snarlydwarf | 05.02.07 - 4:50 pm | #