I realized a short while ago that I do Jaimes, myself, and everyone who knows me a disfavor when I post on here as I have the last few months.
When I am frustrated and upset, it is all too easy to vent my feelings in this forum, forgetting that I am content a much greater portion of the time and not representing this contentment at all. There just doesn't seem so much to write in times of happiness, not so much a need to let my feelings out.
Added to that, I find sometimes it is almost more difficult for me to admit to happiness than to upset. To say it out loud, to display it...sometimes I am hindered by a sense of shame and guilt. What if you, who are witness to my happiness, are not happy right now yourself - am I rubbing salt in your wounds if I ungraciously show my current good fortune? This may be paranoid. It may be stupid. But whatever it is, it is, and it colors sometimes what I say. My shame leads me to speak softly about my contentment if I am not sure of my audience.
This leads directly to a distorted representation of my life. Bumps in the road are magnified. while the road itself, along with all accompanying scenery, is muted, if not entirely hidden from view.
I guess what I am trying to say is this - I am happy. I am happy in my life, I am happy with motherhood, I am happy with Jaimes.
And Jaimes - he is not a beast. He is not perfect, and he wounds me from time to time, but he also inspires me with a spirited soul, he loves me with a generous heart, and he treasures our child with his entire being. I cannot box him up and contain him as I sometimes am wont to do, but try as I may, I don't really want to.
I am blessed with more than my fair share of love, joy, and contentment. Not always, perhaps, but what is happiness if it does not have a background of occasional trouble to contrast against? I would not want perfection.
But the life I have...I want it.
Perhaps someday soon I will find a way to write about it and represent it in a more balanced fashion.