Thursday, December 13, 2007

Sickness, Hers and Mine

Ravenna's still sick. Three days now with this bug...if it doesn't break tonight, we're going in to her pediatrician tomorrow.

Nearly two weeks if you count all the stuff that was going on before, the teething fevers, the ear infections...

It's pretty brutal.

She's finally sleeping for a bit.

And me? I'm doing pretty well.

A little lonely.

I've been stuck lately. Too much time alone with a sick baby, I don't know, I've been stuck obsessing about the why's and wherefore's. Why did Jaimes emotionally check out so soon after Ravenna was born? Why did it seem to him, when we hit some rough times, that the best option was just to bail out on our life? To move on to someone else? I mean...yeah, we had our problems. But all relationships have problems. Show me one that doesn't. And you work through them, don't you? Isn't there something greater, companionship, love, friendship, that makes all of that worth it? Why wasn't it worth it?

When will I start letting go of all these questions? I don't want to carry them around with me indefinately. There aren't really any good answers. It's not helping me to have them on my mind. It's not helping anyone.

Ravenna will be better soon enough. And I'll be out and about in the world again.

Maybe that's all that I need, maybe this obsessing is my own sort of sickness, and when Ravenna breaks free from hers I'll break free from mine. Let's hope.


Mary said...

Love you Kat. Hope Ravenna is feeling better soon (and you too). :( Only a week and a half 'til we get to see you!

snarlydwarf said...

Dont obsess, find a new hobby or something (I would recommend getting ffxi, but, well, you still blame me for ffix :P). A distraction...

Sometimes the best option is to bail: it is a lesson I should have done numerous times but didn't. It is better to move on than to waste time and waste your heart.

From what you have said, and yes, I see things one-sided, the relationship wasn't that healthy for you: he said some really nasty hurtful things.... Why would you want more of that? You deserve so much more, and if you don't get it from someone: ditch them.

I know it sucks and sounds callous, but it is best for you, and it is best for Ravenna to see only healthy relationships.

David said...

I got my PhD from the U of M, finally, and I think I know you. I was thinking of you and thought I'd see if you had a web presence somewhere. Your profile lines up with what facts I can apply to the person I knew. If I'm wrong and you don't know me, sorry to intrude.

In any case, whether you know me or not, having been a guy for a long time I can provide some probably useless insight. Young guys are, generally, tools. And some guys never grow up emotionally, thus remaining tools forever.

Sometimes a lack of character cannot be determined until it's too late and you're already emotionally invested. I wish I could offer more, but the fact is as I get older my cynicism with respect to humanity seems to be more verified than refuted. Luckily if you look long enough you can find a few people who really have what it takes.