Thursday, August 16, 2007

On Not Posting for Some Time, and Now Posting Again

For a long time after Ravenna's birth I wasn't able to find the time to post or update. Or really, to log onto my computer at all. I still have backlogs of email dating from them until now that I haven't really touched.

More recently I've started having time here and there where I could post, but I've had a sort of ethical issue with it. Right now, a huge percentage of my world is family life. Most of the things that I find myself wanting to express have to do with Ravenna or with Jaimes. But I make no secret of who I am on this journal. Perhaps nobody reads it any longer, since I have gone so long without updating, but in the past people who knew me read it. People who knew me peripherally read it. I've had the experience, several times, of meeting someone for the first time, only for them to tell me that they read my journal.

Thus it becomes a privacy issue.

Not for myself, so much; I started blogging during a time in my life when I felt all muddled about who I was, when I felt that I was too often tailoring what I showed of myself to each individual I interacted with, showing them only what I thought they wanted to see. Also, I felt that I was starting to live my life in a way that I was ashamed of. I was making choices without integrity, and wanted to hide them from others. I wasn't okay with myself, and that is a nasty, poisonous feeling. If you don't care for yourself, if you disapprove of your own choices, if you are drowning in guilt, how is anyone else supposed to know you or care for you? You're not a whole person, you're just a shard.

In a low moment, at a turning point, I thought that, if I started to write about my life with complete frankness and honesty, if I forced myself to be open about everything I was thinking and doing, either I would start thinking and doing only that which I was able to write about, or in the course of exposing and examining myself and my actions, even if nothing about me changed, I would start to accept myself for who I was. Either way, giving up some level of privacy was essential to the spirit of this exercize, and I did so intentionally from the very beginning.


Yes, a "but".

But these days, it's not just about my privacy. If so much of what I would have written the last year or so would have been about Jaimes, then it is an issue of his privacy, too. If people who know me can find and read this blog, people who know him read it too, and what right have I to air our laundry out in the open when it affects him, and peoples' perceptions of him, as well? I don't want people to judge him based on my highly biased viewpoint.

I suppose it is about Ravenna's privacy, as well, although that doesn't give me the same sort of pause. Maybe because she's a baby, still, and I feel that whatever I post about her, people won't judge her for it. We aren't as quick to judge babies, somehow. Maybe we see them as still unformed. Pure. Full of potential. Whatever bias I have, I don't think anything I say, at least at this point in her life, will affect peoples' perceptions of her, or the relationships that she forms with others. She is still too new, and too insulated.

So, privacy is of import.

Jaimes's privacy, in particular.

Here I am posting, anyway. Why is that?

Here's why. I am sitting at a changing point in my life. We are sitting at changing points in our lives, our little family. Jaimes's privacy is going to be less and less an issue, because we are not so intimately entwined these days. Jaimes and I are separating.

So here I am, sitting on top of a ledge...behind me I see a life all entangled with his, and ahead of me I see a life all my own again. As such, I feel more comfortable owning it, writing about it, and airing it in this forum. Maybe journaling again will help me sort myself out.

1 comment:

Kathryn said...

Archived Comments:

OMG, you posted. :)

I know exactly what you mean about privacy.... tis why I rarely post these days... well, that and when life is good I am usually not in the mood to sit at the computer, and, well, life has been good lately.

Bad news about you and Jaimes, but as always I have faith you'll be fine.

Answer some mail some day. :)
snarlydwarf | 08.16.07 - 12:39 pm | #

I am so excited to see your picture of Ravenna's bunny, because I was looking on your blog today because I miss you. I wanted to call, but I know you are busy with Susie this weekend & I didn't want to take any of that time away from you.

Anyhow, I love you heaps & buckets, even when you don't post for long amounts of time, and even when you don't know who exactly you are. I know who you are: you're my big sister, and I love you.

I know our lives have gone separate ways in the last few years, but I want you to know that I still look up to you & still love it when we actually do have time to talk or visit.

I hope this recent big changing point in your life turns into something good that you all can live with.

Love you.
Meursydotes | 08.17.07 - 5:26 pm | #