Many people, when I tell them about the separation, say something to the effect of, "Well, that is a big decision. Being in a relationship takes work and effort, involves making concessions. You must have talked so much about what you could do to fix things, to get to this point. You must have exhausted all the alternatives."
When they say this to me, I murmur something that sounds vaguely affirmative. But it feels weird, the whole interaction.
Why does it feel weird?
We didn't exhaust anything.
Jaimes is checked out. He has no desire to fix things. He has no desire to talk things through.
Then today, my dad asked me if we've considered counseling. I responded honestly, "Jaimes isn't willing." My dad was silent. I was silent.
I can't presume to know what Jaimes is thinking. Sometimes it seems he really cares for and loves me. But right now, where it concerns me, he is unwilling to give, unwilling to make concessions, unwilling to put himself out. And he is indifferent to my giving.
I will be the first to say that we've been struggling for a while; being new parents involves a lot of stress, dropping our budget from 2 full salaries to 1 salary creates stress, creating from scratch and running a business is stressful, trying to pay off debt can be stressful, moving in with roommates can cause stress. Stress, stress, everywhere. We haven't handled it well, and rather than coming together to battle it, we've come apart. I am not happy where we are now. I have felt for some time that change is needed.
But if I had my choice, in all honesty, I think I would choose for us to change together.