Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Running in Circles

A while ago now, Jaimes had an affair with someone who, not so long before that, had been one of my closest friends.

I tried to respond with forgiveness and with love for both of them, attempted to take it in and then let it go without resentment. I say "tried" because I felt hurt, jealous, betrayed, and while I wanted with the best of intentions to just let it at go, I am sure some of it came through and colored interactions with each of them in some way.

In retrospect, I am not sure responding thusly was wise. I still had my hurt. They still had their guilt. Maybe coming at it this way just allowed all of these feelings to fester. Is this where my relationship with Jaimes suffered irreparable damage? I'm not sure. The relationship with the girl has never recovered, in spite of repeated attempts I've made to reach out to her.

All our poisoned feelings stayed, infectious and diseased, remaining beneath the surface all the while so that the wound could never close or heal. Perhaps if I had instead reacted in anger, pushed them both away from me, it would have been like slicing open the wound so that all the bile and puss could bleed away, so that it could then heal.

Jaimes feels that I smother him. Is it guilt that colors his perception? Does he feel that I should have been hurt, angry, and instead I keep trying to be loving, kind, healing...which, not being what he wants, what he needs, smothers him? Maybe.

Or maybe I'm just grasping at straws. Maybe the affair and my response did not doom our relationship, but he had the affair because it was already doomed.

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