Tango is such a source of frustration for me right now.
I just want to dance. I want to dance to music that moves me. I want to express myself through movement as best as I am able.
I don't have the resources to have Ravenna babysat too often. And I don't want to be away from her too much.
And when I bring her with me to a dance or a practica, she takes up almost all of my time. She's been going through a particularly clinging phase the last few weeks, and she doesn't want to let her mom dance with other people, no matter how much fun she herself is having. Often she'll fall asleep towards the end, but not until a good 3/4 of the evening is gone, at least.
Then, when she is finally asleep, and I'm free to dance...I still don't get to dance. People don't ask me. The few times that I do get to dance, I'm not dancing to the best of my ability; I'm not in shape for tango because I do it so rarely right now. My body isn't moving the right way, it's so out of practice. So, maybe because I'm not so much fun to dance with these days, or maybe because they're just used to me being unavailable and thus not in the habit of asking me, maybe both, or maybe something else entirely, the leads don't ask me.
So many nights the night is over and I didn't get to dance at all. Or maybe just a couple songs.
What's the deal? Do I need to just let go of tango?
I don't want to let go.
I want, so badly, to dance. I want to create beauty and art through movement to music that speaks to me. I want to connect with someone else to the music through the dance.
In the last month, since our Seattle tango festival drew to a close, I don't think I've danced more than 30 minutes total. If that. Just a song, or if I'm very lucky, maybe a whole set, here and there.
It makes me so sad. I'm filled with longing, I'm unfulfilled. I want. I want to dance. Move. Create. Express.
Many of the leads I would like to dance with, many of them my friends, seem uninterested in dancing with me in a way that leaves me feeling dejected and angry. They give the impression that they don't see me, don't want to see me, that I don't exist for them as long as the music is playing. They're busy pursuing dances with women who are much more practiced and able than myself.
Because I'm not dancing, I'm falling more out of practice. I want to be getting better, improving my dance, but it just keeps deteriorating.
So much frustration! And frustration is not attractive. It does not make people want to dance with me more. It keeps them away even moreso.
What is it? Do I need to just give tango up?
It seems like so much of my life right now is a lesson in giving things up. Jaimes. My notion of a family. Maybe it's fitting if I had to give tango up also, it's another chapter in the same lesson book.
But I don't want to give it up.
I want it.
For me. I want it so badly. It's the meat of my creative leaning.
And for Ravenna. She loves the music and the culture and the people so much. I don't want to take it away from her.
I want to dance, dance, dance, dance, dance.