I glimpsed a truth tonight. Driving home in the rain, having just woken from some intense dreams, struggling with the "Why? Why? Why?'s" that beset so often these days, late at night, when I am alone, my defenses down.
Jaimes is where I was some years ago.
Largely, he is who I was. Broken, scared to death, flailing around. Unable to commit to any one, yet unable to be alone. Destructive. Unable to appreciate the beauty of sharing the smallest things, the ins and outs of a life, with another person. Wanting to be with everyone, but not able to truly be with anyone.
I sabotaged some relationships that could have been truly beautiful. At the time, I felt unable to follow any other course.
This brings up a corollary truth...
Let's look at Jeremy. Jeremy was probably one of the most solid people I have ever been involved with. I loved him. I could see then and can see still that he is an amazing person to be involved with.
If he and I had stayed together, it might have lasted years and years, maybe a lifetime, but I believe I would have remained broken, flailing, scared and destructive all the while.
He couldn't save me.
I needed the time and events that have come in the years since to act as a catalyst. I couldn't change as I needed to when I was so supported by him...I needed to fall, fall some more, and shatter on the ground, all so that I might order myself back into some semblance of health and sanity.
This idea is elusive even to me, yet I feel it is a fundamental truth. I could have stayed with Jeremy, but it would have been broken and unhealthy, _I_ would have been broken and unhealthy, and I don't think I would have been able to heal properly all the while that I remained with him.
In the years since, time and circumstance shaped me so that I am in a place where I feel I am now ready for what he and I could have had.
But that time is past. Jeremy might have been a right person, but he was at the wrong time.
Thus it is with Jaimes.
I believe I am ready for a solid, healthy relationship. But Jaimes is where I was these years ago.
Maybe I am a right person for him, but it is not the right time. He needs to flail and destroy as he will. Supporting him will not heal him; it will only postpone whatever needs to happen for him.
For all the want in the world, I can't save him.