My dad is sorely behind the times.
I was telling him the other night about how great Christa has been through my pregnancy, warm and nurturing, really looking out for me. Running off right after she found out to research pregnancy nutrition, making sure I'm eating well, making sure I'm taking care of myself. He asked, "Well, has she tried to get you to stop smoking?"
Umm...
"I don't smoke any more," I responded.
"Really?" he asked, disbelief evident in his voice.
"Yes, really," I said, "I haven't smoked for over three years."
"I just thought you were hiding it from us," he said.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Thinking back, the potential landlady jerked me around the first time I interacted with her, too, so I shouldn't have been as surprised as I was on Monday night.
When I first noticed the ad for the house, I called to say I was interested in renting. She asked that I drive by and take a look to see what I thought. I did, and thought it was great! I called back right away to tell her that and to schedule an appointment to see the inside... and she said that she hadn't known how to tell me during the first conversation, but at that time she was already checking references on someone she planned to rent to.
Why did she have me waste my time following up on it and driving by if she was already planning on renting it? Not a nice thing to do.
So then a week later she called back and said the other renter had fallen through, and was I still interested ... and that's where this tale ends, and the other one begins. (I wonder what his story was, and if it was any nicer than mine.)
When I first noticed the ad for the house, I called to say I was interested in renting. She asked that I drive by and take a look to see what I thought. I did, and thought it was great! I called back right away to tell her that and to schedule an appointment to see the inside... and she said that she hadn't known how to tell me during the first conversation, but at that time she was already checking references on someone she planned to rent to.
Why did she have me waste my time following up on it and driving by if she was already planning on renting it? Not a nice thing to do.
So then a week later she called back and said the other renter had fallen through, and was I still interested ... and that's where this tale ends, and the other one begins. (I wonder what his story was, and if it was any nicer than mine.)
I have a house now. I found a new rental to share with Jaimes. It's okay, not great. But it will work for him to teach dance, for me to do massage, and for us to both live in reasonable comfort for a while.
It's not the house I wanted. There was another house, not even a block away, that I fell in love with last week. I talked to the landlady, filled out an application, and even put a deposit down. Everything was looking good.
Then, Monday night, she called me to turn me down.
Earlier in the day on Monday, she had called my current landlord, who was busy with something, and couldn't really talk at that moment. Added to that, he was slightly taken by surprise, as I haven't given any notice yet. (I'm not planning on moving out for a while, and was thinking I might keep this room for a few months concurrently. Chris has a friend getting out of the military fairly soon who wants the room, so to keep from screwing Chris and Jake on rent in the meanwhile I was strongly considering keeping it until his friend got out, or at the very least taking the initiative to find a subletter for that period. Chris and Jake want to maintain the lease even after I leave, so there was no reason to give full notice to the landlord.)
So anyway, this woman, the potential new landlady, was a little put off by that, and wanted something more. To appease her, I told her I would look up the name and number for the landlord I had before I moved to the U-District, a few years back, on Capitol Hill, and I would sort things out with the current landlord as well.
I looked up the number for the old landlord, tried to call him to warn him she might call, but got a machine and left a message.
I also talked to my current landlord and sorted things out with him, and he wanted very much to talk to her again and give her a good reference for me. He had called back on his own but hadn't been able to reach her.
This done, I called the potential landlady back, gave her the number for the old landlord, and told her that I had sorted things out with the current landlord and he wanted to speak with her again. She thanked me and we hung up.
So a few hours later, she called back again. This time, she was super-condescending. She said that if she ever wanted someone for computer work, she would hire me, but she couldn't ever imagine renting to me. Over and over again, she told me that I am young. That maybe I'll grow out of it. She hit on the "you are young" thing like 6 times.
"I'm 28!," I thought to myself. "What is her problem?" I was confused and upset - this was my dream house, and I had practically moved in in my mind, and here she was ripping me down - but I remained polite and responsive for the duration of the conversation.
She said, "Let me give you some advice. Before you give out references, you should check with people to see what they will say." I told her that I had, had she even tried calling my current landlord again? He had wanted to talk to her when he had bandwidth, and he had good things to say - but she responded that she hadn't, and she wasn't interested in doing so.
"What??? Where was all of this coming from?," I thought. "My current landlord is happy with me. My old landlord was happy with me, as far as I knew - granted I hadn't been able to speak with him directly that day, but we had a good relationship when I left Capitol Hill." She wasn't telling me anything concrete about what swung her opinion so drastically this way - for all I know, it was simply because I hadn't given notice to my current landlord.
I asked if there's any chance she would call my current landlord a second time, or reconsider, and she said no. She told me that she's going to take the house off the market for now, that the current tenants are changing their time frame a bit, and she'll just wait until May to rent it to take the pressure off herself. That was pretty much the end of the conversation.
I cried a little bit afterwards, because it was pretty hurtful.
Then I went back to looking up places and tracking down landlords, starting again at square one. What else could I do?
That same night, I visited another place which wasn't ideal, but could work. That landlady took very strongly to me, and for whatever reason, really, really wanted to rent to me specifically over others who were interested in the place. I told her I was interested, and we agreed to talk again the next day.
As an aside, that night while I was looking through places, I noticed that the landlady who turned me down had posted her house for rent again, but with the rent cut by $100/mo. Ouch. Not only does she specifically not want me, but she's so desperate to rent it out that she's dropping the price to get anyone else she can.
Ouch.
Back to the new place - I slept on everything that night, and in the morning I woke up feeling that although it could work, it wouldn't be good long term. It's on the verge of too-small as is, it would definitely be too small once the baby is born, and she was adamant about a year lease so that would lock is in for the first half-year after the birth. So when she called again I told her that while I was interested, I couldn't do it.
But she wanted me so much that she offered different lease terms that worked better for me. Enough so that yesterday I signed with her for a short term lease, just for the summer. It will be fine for that long, to get us by, and we'll have more time to find something that really works. It will also be good for her, as it will put the rental on schedule for her to find a student renter in the fall when school is starting up.
Then...
This morning...
The old landlord from Capitol Hill called me. I didn't answer the phone the first time, but he called three times - must be important? - so I went to see who it was and answered. He said that some woman had called him a few days ago and asked about me, but he didn't catch the first name and he confused me with some other girl who had also lived there, same last name but spelled a little differently. Some Janet Kruger, who had been a disaster, and had mistakenly given me a poor reference because he misunderstood who she was asking about. (I think he had just gotten my original phone message and realized the mistake.)
So everything makes a little more sense now, but I still feel really rotten about the whole thing, and about how rude this potential landlady was on Monday.
He asked me if I'd like him to call her and explain. I said yes. Because, even though it won't make a difference now, part of me hopes she hears from him and feels a little twinge of guilt for being so rude. Nasty woman.
Really, everything conspiring the way it did, I think the universe was trying to tell me that this was not the place to be. Better trouble now than after the lease is signed, you know? But it's not what I wanted to hear.
As you have probably noted from the tone of this post, I am still worrying the wound a bit. I liked that house. I was hurt at how she treated me.
Oh well, life goes on. So must I.
Anyways, I have a different house now. And it's not a perfect house, not exactly everything we were hoping for, but it's good, and it will serve us well for five months.
It's not the house I wanted. There was another house, not even a block away, that I fell in love with last week. I talked to the landlady, filled out an application, and even put a deposit down. Everything was looking good.
Then, Monday night, she called me to turn me down.
Earlier in the day on Monday, she had called my current landlord, who was busy with something, and couldn't really talk at that moment. Added to that, he was slightly taken by surprise, as I haven't given any notice yet. (I'm not planning on moving out for a while, and was thinking I might keep this room for a few months concurrently. Chris has a friend getting out of the military fairly soon who wants the room, so to keep from screwing Chris and Jake on rent in the meanwhile I was strongly considering keeping it until his friend got out, or at the very least taking the initiative to find a subletter for that period. Chris and Jake want to maintain the lease even after I leave, so there was no reason to give full notice to the landlord.)
So anyway, this woman, the potential new landlady, was a little put off by that, and wanted something more. To appease her, I told her I would look up the name and number for the landlord I had before I moved to the U-District, a few years back, on Capitol Hill, and I would sort things out with the current landlord as well.
I looked up the number for the old landlord, tried to call him to warn him she might call, but got a machine and left a message.
I also talked to my current landlord and sorted things out with him, and he wanted very much to talk to her again and give her a good reference for me. He had called back on his own but hadn't been able to reach her.
This done, I called the potential landlady back, gave her the number for the old landlord, and told her that I had sorted things out with the current landlord and he wanted to speak with her again. She thanked me and we hung up.
So a few hours later, she called back again. This time, she was super-condescending. She said that if she ever wanted someone for computer work, she would hire me, but she couldn't ever imagine renting to me. Over and over again, she told me that I am young. That maybe I'll grow out of it. She hit on the "you are young" thing like 6 times.
"I'm 28!," I thought to myself. "What is her problem?" I was confused and upset - this was my dream house, and I had practically moved in in my mind, and here she was ripping me down - but I remained polite and responsive for the duration of the conversation.
She said, "Let me give you some advice. Before you give out references, you should check with people to see what they will say." I told her that I had, had she even tried calling my current landlord again? He had wanted to talk to her when he had bandwidth, and he had good things to say - but she responded that she hadn't, and she wasn't interested in doing so.
"What??? Where was all of this coming from?," I thought. "My current landlord is happy with me. My old landlord was happy with me, as far as I knew - granted I hadn't been able to speak with him directly that day, but we had a good relationship when I left Capitol Hill." She wasn't telling me anything concrete about what swung her opinion so drastically this way - for all I know, it was simply because I hadn't given notice to my current landlord.
I asked if there's any chance she would call my current landlord a second time, or reconsider, and she said no. She told me that she's going to take the house off the market for now, that the current tenants are changing their time frame a bit, and she'll just wait until May to rent it to take the pressure off herself. That was pretty much the end of the conversation.
I cried a little bit afterwards, because it was pretty hurtful.
Then I went back to looking up places and tracking down landlords, starting again at square one. What else could I do?
That same night, I visited another place which wasn't ideal, but could work. That landlady took very strongly to me, and for whatever reason, really, really wanted to rent to me specifically over others who were interested in the place. I told her I was interested, and we agreed to talk again the next day.
As an aside, that night while I was looking through places, I noticed that the landlady who turned me down had posted her house for rent again, but with the rent cut by $100/mo. Ouch. Not only does she specifically not want me, but she's so desperate to rent it out that she's dropping the price to get anyone else she can.
Ouch.
Back to the new place - I slept on everything that night, and in the morning I woke up feeling that although it could work, it wouldn't be good long term. It's on the verge of too-small as is, it would definitely be too small once the baby is born, and she was adamant about a year lease so that would lock is in for the first half-year after the birth. So when she called again I told her that while I was interested, I couldn't do it.
But she wanted me so much that she offered different lease terms that worked better for me. Enough so that yesterday I signed with her for a short term lease, just for the summer. It will be fine for that long, to get us by, and we'll have more time to find something that really works. It will also be good for her, as it will put the rental on schedule for her to find a student renter in the fall when school is starting up.
Then...
This morning...
The old landlord from Capitol Hill called me. I didn't answer the phone the first time, but he called three times - must be important? - so I went to see who it was and answered. He said that some woman had called him a few days ago and asked about me, but he didn't catch the first name and he confused me with some other girl who had also lived there, same last name but spelled a little differently. Some Janet Kruger, who had been a disaster, and had mistakenly given me a poor reference because he misunderstood who she was asking about. (I think he had just gotten my original phone message and realized the mistake.)
So everything makes a little more sense now, but I still feel really rotten about the whole thing, and about how rude this potential landlady was on Monday.
He asked me if I'd like him to call her and explain. I said yes. Because, even though it won't make a difference now, part of me hopes she hears from him and feels a little twinge of guilt for being so rude. Nasty woman.
Really, everything conspiring the way it did, I think the universe was trying to tell me that this was not the place to be. Better trouble now than after the lease is signed, you know? But it's not what I wanted to hear.
As you have probably noted from the tone of this post, I am still worrying the wound a bit. I liked that house. I was hurt at how she treated me.
Oh well, life goes on. So must I.
Anyways, I have a different house now. And it's not a perfect house, not exactly everything we were hoping for, but it's good, and it will serve us well for five months.
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Happy birthday me!
No party this year. Last year's "breakfast with friends outside at a sunny cafe" landed on such a rainy, windy, miserable day that I'm not quite up to doing that again. Besides, a small celebration every four to five years seems to suit me well. Maybe I should have been a leap-year baby.
Still getting bigger and bigger. My family sent me maternity clothes for my birthday, and they are so wonderful! At first, I put the pants on, and I thought they would be too big - there was a lot of extra room. But then, after half a minute or so, my whole body went wooooshhhhhh and settled down into them, and they fit perfectly, and it felt soooo good. I hadn't realized how much my other clothes must have been constraining me. Time to go shopping. Seriously. Maybe today.
I think I may have found a new house! I've been looking for several weeks for a place that will work for Jaimes to teach dance, for me to do massage, and for us both to live and raise a baby, within a certain budget in a very specific neighborhood. It's been a pain the butt, and has sucked up almost every ounce of my free time. In a month and a half, I have spent countless hours combing the internet and have visited over 70 places. Nothing's certain yet, the landlord is still checking references and no lease has been signed, but I think this may be "the place". What a relief that would be.
Between that, though, and setting up, finding space for, and handling registration for Jaimes's upcoming class series, I think I may have nearly conqured my phone phobia. I have made so many phone calls these last few months I have lost count. My heart no longer catches in my chest when I have to dial a number to speak to some stranger at another organization or venue or renting some other space or apartment. Here I am about to bring a kid into the world, and I'm still growing up myself.
No party this year. Last year's "breakfast with friends outside at a sunny cafe" landed on such a rainy, windy, miserable day that I'm not quite up to doing that again. Besides, a small celebration every four to five years seems to suit me well. Maybe I should have been a leap-year baby.
Still getting bigger and bigger. My family sent me maternity clothes for my birthday, and they are so wonderful! At first, I put the pants on, and I thought they would be too big - there was a lot of extra room. But then, after half a minute or so, my whole body went wooooshhhhhh and settled down into them, and they fit perfectly, and it felt soooo good. I hadn't realized how much my other clothes must have been constraining me. Time to go shopping. Seriously. Maybe today.
I think I may have found a new house! I've been looking for several weeks for a place that will work for Jaimes to teach dance, for me to do massage, and for us both to live and raise a baby, within a certain budget in a very specific neighborhood. It's been a pain the butt, and has sucked up almost every ounce of my free time. In a month and a half, I have spent countless hours combing the internet and have visited over 70 places. Nothing's certain yet, the landlord is still checking references and no lease has been signed, but I think this may be "the place". What a relief that would be.
Between that, though, and setting up, finding space for, and handling registration for Jaimes's upcoming class series, I think I may have nearly conqured my phone phobia. I have made so many phone calls these last few months I have lost count. My heart no longer catches in my chest when I have to dial a number to speak to some stranger at another organization or venue or renting some other space or apartment. Here I am about to bring a kid into the world, and I'm still growing up myself.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
It took me three and a half hours to drive home from work today. Three and a half hours. I work 14 miles from my home.
When I left work, it took me 50 minutes to get from the 40th St on-ramp onto 520 to get to 405. This normally takes about 5 minutes. 10, maybe, on a bad day. By that time, I had figured out the reason for the back-up -- the 520 bridge was closed "due to high winds". 405 South had a crazy stop and go wait line to even get on the highway, so I figured I'd take 405 North. It would maybe take a little longer, but if it was moving, it was an improvement; I was starting to get really tired of sitting still.
405 North was moving maybe 20-40 miles an hour. So I'm driving on my merry way, when I see a sign that says highway 522 to Seattle, or something like that. I'm not familiar with this highway, I had thought I would drive all the way to the intersection with I-5, but at this point I'm pretty sure I'm farther north than the upper edge of Lake Washington and it's probably a good shortcut over.
Except that it's the worst shortcut ever.
It's more stop and go than the highway has been. Turns out it's a city highway, with traffic lights every few blocks, and traffic is barely moving. I could walk 10 times faster. But I keep hoping it will get better - I'm an optimist, yo. At one point, I stop at a red light, and some asshole comes blazing up behind me, honking his horn, actually bumps his car into mine, and then pulls squealing around me to run the red light. Yeah. Being an asshole is going to get you there way faster. Dumbass. At this point I am starting to get pretty stressed out myself. And angry. There is this little ball of anger growing in my stomach. Not too near the baby, I hope, because that can't be nice stuff to sit near.
Did I mention that I'm starting to get really hungry? And that when I get hungry, I get morning-sick? So in addition to being just plain old pissed off, I'm getting really nauseous.
Nearly an hour later, maybe 5 or 10 miles from my starting point on 405, I think - what if there's a parallel road just to the south and it's less crowded? So I work my way south, hoping to continue making my way east and south into Seattle on a road that is actually moving, but I get my directions all switched around and before I know it I'm back on 405. Except I'm 10 miles further south than I was when I left it. So I decide to go south after all - it's several hours later now anyways, the traffic should be getting better, right? Except that it's not. It's still stop and go. There are 5 accidents that I pass on the way. Everyone else is angry and stressed out and driving like shit. When traffic finally starts moving a bit, people are all driving like asses. 5-10 SUVs cut me off along the way. I guess I should feel lucky that I didn't get in any accidents myself.
Finally got home, only to find that I had missed a lesson I was supposed to teach by about 5 minutes, and the guy had come and gone.
When I left work, I meant to drive home, stop at the store, pick up some produce, meat, and cook up a nice dinner. I was planning to have such a relaxing evening. But now the evening's almost done, I haven't eaten anything, I messed up with my lesson, my body is all cramped and freaking out from sitting in the car for 3 1/2 hours, and everything's shot.
At this point, I am angry, irrational, feeling sick, upset, and can't handle anything. Everything and everybody pisses me off for no reason at all. I storm around a little bit, look in the refridgerator for something to eat, get frustrated, kick the fridge, drop to the floor, and cry hysterically for a while.
Well.
I'm done crying now, and feeling a bit more rational. But I'm still angry and upset. And for what? For a stupid drive that took a little too long? Yeah, that's worth it. Really.
I hate when negative emotions take me hostage like this. I hate being so, so angry. And feeling helpless. And being irrational and emotional and freaking out my roommates with my self-indulgent tantrum.
Is this hormones? Or is it traffic? Or is it just me?
I'd be happy really, never to drive again. Once I stop working on the east side, I don't think I will ever really want to go back. People over there can come over here. I don't want to have to cross those stupid bridges again.
When I left work, it took me 50 minutes to get from the 40th St on-ramp onto 520 to get to 405. This normally takes about 5 minutes. 10, maybe, on a bad day. By that time, I had figured out the reason for the back-up -- the 520 bridge was closed "due to high winds". 405 South had a crazy stop and go wait line to even get on the highway, so I figured I'd take 405 North. It would maybe take a little longer, but if it was moving, it was an improvement; I was starting to get really tired of sitting still.
405 North was moving maybe 20-40 miles an hour. So I'm driving on my merry way, when I see a sign that says highway 522 to Seattle, or something like that. I'm not familiar with this highway, I had thought I would drive all the way to the intersection with I-5, but at this point I'm pretty sure I'm farther north than the upper edge of Lake Washington and it's probably a good shortcut over.
Except that it's the worst shortcut ever.
It's more stop and go than the highway has been. Turns out it's a city highway, with traffic lights every few blocks, and traffic is barely moving. I could walk 10 times faster. But I keep hoping it will get better - I'm an optimist, yo. At one point, I stop at a red light, and some asshole comes blazing up behind me, honking his horn, actually bumps his car into mine, and then pulls squealing around me to run the red light. Yeah. Being an asshole is going to get you there way faster. Dumbass. At this point I am starting to get pretty stressed out myself. And angry. There is this little ball of anger growing in my stomach. Not too near the baby, I hope, because that can't be nice stuff to sit near.
Did I mention that I'm starting to get really hungry? And that when I get hungry, I get morning-sick? So in addition to being just plain old pissed off, I'm getting really nauseous.
Nearly an hour later, maybe 5 or 10 miles from my starting point on 405, I think - what if there's a parallel road just to the south and it's less crowded? So I work my way south, hoping to continue making my way east and south into Seattle on a road that is actually moving, but I get my directions all switched around and before I know it I'm back on 405. Except I'm 10 miles further south than I was when I left it. So I decide to go south after all - it's several hours later now anyways, the traffic should be getting better, right? Except that it's not. It's still stop and go. There are 5 accidents that I pass on the way. Everyone else is angry and stressed out and driving like shit. When traffic finally starts moving a bit, people are all driving like asses. 5-10 SUVs cut me off along the way. I guess I should feel lucky that I didn't get in any accidents myself.
Finally got home, only to find that I had missed a lesson I was supposed to teach by about 5 minutes, and the guy had come and gone.
When I left work, I meant to drive home, stop at the store, pick up some produce, meat, and cook up a nice dinner. I was planning to have such a relaxing evening. But now the evening's almost done, I haven't eaten anything, I messed up with my lesson, my body is all cramped and freaking out from sitting in the car for 3 1/2 hours, and everything's shot.
At this point, I am angry, irrational, feeling sick, upset, and can't handle anything. Everything and everybody pisses me off for no reason at all. I storm around a little bit, look in the refridgerator for something to eat, get frustrated, kick the fridge, drop to the floor, and cry hysterically for a while.
Well.
I'm done crying now, and feeling a bit more rational. But I'm still angry and upset. And for what? For a stupid drive that took a little too long? Yeah, that's worth it. Really.
I hate when negative emotions take me hostage like this. I hate being so, so angry. And feeling helpless. And being irrational and emotional and freaking out my roommates with my self-indulgent tantrum.
Is this hormones? Or is it traffic? Or is it just me?
I'd be happy really, never to drive again. Once I stop working on the east side, I don't think I will ever really want to go back. People over there can come over here. I don't want to have to cross those stupid bridges again.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
My dog has taken to doing this super-cute thing where, sometimes the cat will just get too much under his skin and he'll lose control and lunge toward it, maybe a foot or two in that general direction, growling madly -
but then, before he gets anywyere, he thinks to himself, "Bad dog!" and banishes himself to my bedroom for half an hour or so. This is without anyone else saying anything at all. After due time he will come out again, penitent and ready to be a peaceful member of the household.
Louie will be glad that, in just a day or two, the cat's owners will come to collect it.
In other news, my employer didn't pay me again this pay period. @#$@%.
but then, before he gets anywyere, he thinks to himself, "Bad dog!" and banishes himself to my bedroom for half an hour or so. This is without anyone else saying anything at all. After due time he will come out again, penitent and ready to be a peaceful member of the household.
Louie will be glad that, in just a day or two, the cat's owners will come to collect it.
In other news, my employer didn't pay me again this pay period. @#$@%.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
w00t!
Last week, I turned in the last of my outstanding assignments for school.
Today, I retook the SOAP Charting portion of my Advanced Massage Practical Exam, and...I passed!
So now, I just wait until they've finished grading the work I handed in, and then I will graduate! They will send me a diploma! How crazy is that?
There are still certification exams to take (and pass) before I can practice in WA, of course, but look! I'm almost there!
Last week, I turned in the last of my outstanding assignments for school.
Today, I retook the SOAP Charting portion of my Advanced Massage Practical Exam, and...I passed!
So now, I just wait until they've finished grading the work I handed in, and then I will graduate! They will send me a diploma! How crazy is that?
There are still certification exams to take (and pass) before I can practice in WA, of course, but look! I'm almost there!
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
I am becoming two separate people.
One is confident, excited, espousing to friends and family my joy and enthusiasm. Animated, purposeful. Planning, saving, building. A strong face, and a public face.
The other is fearful. Worried. This is a private face, only shows when I am alone. When I am this person, I feel as if I am an inferior man-made structure facing an unyielding storm. My levies are leaking, creaking with the weight of the water. In these private moments I cry, I rock myself back and forth, I feel the ground slipping beneath me.
What does it mean, that these facets of myself are becoming more distinct? Could this separation be an expression of underlying weakness? I do believe that it is good for parents to show their children strength, unification, sureness and conviction. To be able to take their doubts and hesitations and keep them private so the child can feel assured and safe. And here I am, on the road to parenthood. But at what point does it become unhealthy, too much, an unnatural and dangerous separation?
One is confident, excited, espousing to friends and family my joy and enthusiasm. Animated, purposeful. Planning, saving, building. A strong face, and a public face.
The other is fearful. Worried. This is a private face, only shows when I am alone. When I am this person, I feel as if I am an inferior man-made structure facing an unyielding storm. My levies are leaking, creaking with the weight of the water. In these private moments I cry, I rock myself back and forth, I feel the ground slipping beneath me.
What does it mean, that these facets of myself are becoming more distinct? Could this separation be an expression of underlying weakness? I do believe that it is good for parents to show their children strength, unification, sureness and conviction. To be able to take their doubts and hesitations and keep them private so the child can feel assured and safe. And here I am, on the road to parenthood. But at what point does it become unhealthy, too much, an unnatural and dangerous separation?
...admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.
- Bob Dylan, The Times They Are A-Changin'
Thursday, February 23, 2006
I spent last weekend down in Portland at a tango festival. It was nice, being active, out and dancing.
At one of the dances, I stopped and said hello to an acquaintance from California. She smiled at me. "I've been great! How are y-" She stopped short, her eyes wide, staring at my belly. "When did that happen?"
I looked down at my belly, then back at her, then back again to my belly (not really all that much bigger than it always has been). "You can see?"
She nodded.
Turns out she has a friend who is about as far along as I am, but still. This is the first time anyone has noticed just by sight.
At one of the dances, I stopped and said hello to an acquaintance from California. She smiled at me. "I've been great! How are y-" She stopped short, her eyes wide, staring at my belly. "When did that happen?"
I looked down at my belly, then back at her, then back again to my belly (not really all that much bigger than it always has been). "You can see?"
She nodded.
Turns out she has a friend who is about as far along as I am, but still. This is the first time anyone has noticed just by sight.
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Family Planning
I'll have made it throught the period of greatest risk for birth defects (5-10 weeks) in 1 week and 5 days. By then of the kid's major organs will have formed.
Second trimester begins March 15, 2006. Almost there! Just 4 weeks to go and the risk for miscarriage will drop dramatically. Happily, my morning sickness and fatigue should start getting better.
Third trimester begins June 28, 2006.
Susie says that September is a good month for babies, as all of the following (and she herself) were born in September: Roald Dahl, "Jelly Roll" Morton, H. G. Wells, John Coltrane, William Faulkner, George Gershwin, T.S. Eliot, Ivan Pavlov, Elizabeth I (Queen of England), D.H.Lawrence, and O. Henry.
I'll have made it throught the period of greatest risk for birth defects (5-10 weeks) in 1 week and 5 days. By then of the kid's major organs will have formed.
Second trimester begins March 15, 2006. Almost there! Just 4 weeks to go and the risk for miscarriage will drop dramatically. Happily, my morning sickness and fatigue should start getting better.
Third trimester begins June 28, 2006.
!!! !!! !!! Estimated due date: !!! !!! !!!That would make my baby a Libra.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006.
Susie says that September is a good month for babies, as all of the following (and she herself) were born in September: Roald Dahl, "Jelly Roll" Morton, H. G. Wells, John Coltrane, William Faulkner, George Gershwin, T.S. Eliot, Ivan Pavlov, Elizabeth I (Queen of England), D.H.Lawrence, and O. Henry.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Our state recently passed a law that prohibits smoking indoors at bars, restaurants, and other public venues.
I hate it.
Why do I hate it? Because I am an avid smoker? No. I haven't smoked for years. Because I feel it infringes on my personal freedom or that of my friends? Not that either. I hate it because it, ultimately, brings the smoke out to me.
Bar patrons who cannot smoke inside congregate outside on the sidewalks to smoke. Our streets are becoming smokey and nasty, and I'm doubly sensitive to it right now as I am pregnant.
In the past, if I didn't want to be around the smoke, I could choose not to enter establishments that allowed smoking. Now I have no choice. It's there on the street en masse.
I hate it.
Why do I hate it? Because I am an avid smoker? No. I haven't smoked for years. Because I feel it infringes on my personal freedom or that of my friends? Not that either. I hate it because it, ultimately, brings the smoke out to me.
Bar patrons who cannot smoke inside congregate outside on the sidewalks to smoke. Our streets are becoming smokey and nasty, and I'm doubly sensitive to it right now as I am pregnant.
In the past, if I didn't want to be around the smoke, I could choose not to enter establishments that allowed smoking. Now I have no choice. It's there on the street en masse.
Update from the trenches
I've started getting the dreaded morning sickness. As if that weren't enough, last week I picked up a flu. The moment the flu abated, I came down with a nasty cold, which I'm still trying to kick.
I'm tired of being sick all the time.
Just once, I'd like to wake up without fighting the urge to run to the bathroom and puke my guts out. And I'd like to sleep later. I am waking up at 5:00 am, 6:00 am, all so that I can spend more time in the morning feeling miserable. Try as I might I can't sleep it off.
Another problem with waking up so early is that I'm crashing earlier at night. 8:00 pm, 9:00 pm roll around and I'm fighting off sleep but it's a losing battle. I don't remember the last time I made it out dancing for anything other than the dance I run - I can't swing it because it's past my bedtime.
I have the strange inkling that I am becoming less fun. What's this about pregnant women having a glow? How do they manage it when they're sick half the time and tired and cranky so early at night?
I've started getting the dreaded morning sickness. As if that weren't enough, last week I picked up a flu. The moment the flu abated, I came down with a nasty cold, which I'm still trying to kick.
I'm tired of being sick all the time.
Just once, I'd like to wake up without fighting the urge to run to the bathroom and puke my guts out. And I'd like to sleep later. I am waking up at 5:00 am, 6:00 am, all so that I can spend more time in the morning feeling miserable. Try as I might I can't sleep it off.
Another problem with waking up so early is that I'm crashing earlier at night. 8:00 pm, 9:00 pm roll around and I'm fighting off sleep but it's a losing battle. I don't remember the last time I made it out dancing for anything other than the dance I run - I can't swing it because it's past my bedtime.
I have the strange inkling that I am becoming less fun. What's this about pregnant women having a glow? How do they manage it when they're sick half the time and tired and cranky so early at night?
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