Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Occasionally friends and acquaintances have asked me why I blog. Some have said that it seems strange to them that I live my life as such an open book. Others have said that they feel almost uncomfortable reading my journal, as if they're invading my privacy.

Here are my thoughts on why I continue to blog the way that I do:

This journal is a social experiment of sorts that I am applying to myself. I don't want to live a life hidden. I don't want to think or do things that I am uncomfortable owning up to. If I make a point to publicly own up to everything and I find that I squirm at anything I might feel inclined to write, it causes me to think and converse with myself in ways I would not otherwise. Why do I find the topic uncomfortable? Am I unhappy with how I act, with the choices I make? Am I succumbing to deeply rooted prejudices or childhood beliefs that I might do better to let go of altogether? Am I overly dependent upon or concerned with the approval of friends, acquaintances, family, peers, or strangers? And if I am concerned, should I be?

I have made a habit, over the years, of living without thinking. I do. I go. I keep busy. I build routines and I adhere strictly to them. I develop deeply ingrained behavioral patterns, traversing them day in and day out without a second thought.

At some point along the way I was given a moment of clarity in which I realized I do these things.

This journal and the questions it cause me to ask myself represent an ongoing attempt to break out of these patterns. As far as I know I am given only one life to live, and it is slipping by at breakneck speed. When all is said and done, when I reach the finish line and look back over my life, I would rather have lived it with open eyes, with an awareness, than look back to find that I blindly stumbled on year after year. Even now, I regret great expanses of time in recent years which passed without any introspection, without conversing with myself, being aware of who I was and really being with myself.

That said, there is a great deal going on in my life right now of which I do not write. I have forged new relationships, let old relationships go. I have made new resolutions and am experimenting with approaching things in new ways.

I would like to write of these things, but for a number of reasons, I do not feel that this is currently the most appropriate forum. I am flirting with the idea of expressing myself and inducing introspection through other mediums; perhaps I will try my hand at writing a book, perhaps I will keep writing in offline journals, perhaps I will continue to simply correspond and discuss with friends on an individual basis, or perhaps I will do some combination of all these things. And I will blog what I am comfortable with. If you're comfortable reading it, wonderful! Be my guest. And feel free to ask questions and to challenge me about what I write; I love when people approach me and start up discussions or correspondence based upon something I have written.

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