The New York Times Magazine recently posted an article about toxicity of breast milk. Interesting reading, and good stuff to think about given that I plan to breastfeed if I ever mother children. All the same, continually reading about stuff like this may be somewhat akin to picking at a wound... I can worry, worry, worry about all the chemicals building up in all of our systems, about exposure to flame retardants, to teflon, to chemicals that were banned before I was born but are still being passed through the food chain and building up in my body, but what can I do about any of it? Yes, I am getting my amalgamated fillings taken out, but there's still everything else in the world affecting me, my environment, the food I eat. Crazy to think about.

I've been sick today. I hate being sick; I become a whiny, emotional mess. I feel physically awful, and on top of it, I feel sorry for myself, wishing someone would take care of me. Maybe because my father spoiled me when I was little, and waited on me hand and foot when I was ill. I hate asking favors of people, asking for help -- but when I'm sick, I find myself breaking all my rules and asking away. Or even worse, asking without asking. Don't you hate it when people do that? Why can't they just be up front about what they want?

Alex came by and brought me Pho at lunch time. Very sweet of him. And very nice, because I had no food, was not up to leaving the apartment, and probably would not have eaten today otherwise. I love him for doing it, but hate myself for not being self-sufficient, for needing help. How messed up is that? And more so that I am conscious of it.

On the bright side, I am starting to feel a little better. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be well.

The Dante's Inferno Test pegs me as a violent sinner:

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

What sort of sinner are you?

I made three new year's resolutions. Was talking to Tina, who made several well thought out resolutions that I think she has a good chance of holding fast to. I admired her willingness to look within and to address areas in which she wanted to grow.

Here are mine:

1. Floss.
   
   (I cheated. I stole that one from her. And she had stolen it from someone else.


2. Be more dependable.
   
   (I am generally not dependable, socially. Especially when I've got work and school both going strong. I do realize this about myself, and I do not like it. But at the same time, I haven't really found the motivation yet to tackle it head on and attempt change. I resolve now to make a good-faith effort at modifying my behavior in this arena.)


3. Do not make commitments I cannot/will not keep.
   
   (If I watch before I speak and cut down on making commitments I would like to keep or feel like I should but know that I will not, it will help me to be more dependable. If I say I'll do something or be somewhere that I will not, I am setting myself up for an instance wherein I will be engaging in non-dependable behavior, as I later break the commitment.)

So...

Yeah.

Wish me luck.

I had all these things in mind that I wanted to blog about this morning, but now, for the life of me, I can't remember what they are.

In other news -

I went to the dentist today. He doesn't think I need to have my amalgamated fillings removed. For myself, I think I would probably be okay keeping them in, but I want to bear children sometime in the next decade, and I don't feel comfortable going through a pregnancy with them in, given the possibilities. Maybe they're harmless. But maybe they're not. And it's my potential offspring that will suffer if they are harmful, and I'm not willing to take that risk for the sake of saving a little bit of money right now. How much is peace of mind worth to you? Hard to put a price value on it.

I started work again today, also. It was difficult concentrating and getting back into the flow. Not that I was all that into the flow before. I need to figure out how to get into productive-programming mode each day without requiring several hours of warm-up time.

So, about that - in the neural system unit of anatomy last month, we learned that, if you have trouble taking tests, you should make your study environment as similar to your test taking environment as possible. This is because environment factors into the way that your body takes and processes information, and it will be easier to access information in an environment similar to the one in which you learned it. So wear the same underwear, or eat the same foods just before, or do whatever you need to do.

In college, I think I trained my body to process programatic sorts of thoughts best late at night/early in the morning, when I was always finishing up programming projects the night before they were due. And now, it's hard for my to get into that frame of mind during the day. 9 PM - 5 AM, I can slip into that mode quite easily. But 10 AM? Not so easy. Problem is, I don't want to do all my work at night. And my boss doesn't want me to, either. So I need to retrain myself. It's pretty painful.

Several months ago, the commenting service I subscribe to stopped sending me notifications when people create new comments. I have not gotten any responses to my requests for support, even though I paid for the service. I need to get my butt in gear and just create my own blogging and commenting system that addresses all the little problems I have with the ones I use now -- hopefully, now that I have a computer again, I'll be motivated to do that sometime soon.

What's with that, anyway? Why is it so hard to motivate myself to start things? My to-do list is, like, a million items long. I accomplish this and that here and there -- this weekend, I completely cleaned my car out, and it's cleaner since it's been since we bought it -- but then the rest of the list sits stagnant through the years.

My family sent me a package the day before Christmas. It has yet to arrive.

I think the postman may have hijacked it.



At least I got myself a Christmas present. And I didn't mail it to myself. So it never got lost in the mail.

And now I'm happy, oh so happy.

Until tomorrow, when I start school again. And Tuesday, when I start work again. Did I mention that I'm a little bit nervous about that? Vacation has been so nice. I dread the thought of getting so very, very busy again, of running all around all the time and always being behind on everything, from now until August when I graduate.

Speaking of which, I have an Anatomy exam coming up. I guess I should probably study while I still have some free time left today and tomorrow. Pish Posh.

Merry Christmas, me.

I am now the proud owner of a 12" G4 PowerBook. A Mac! How do you like that, Mr. Gates? I agonized for months over whether or not to make the leap, but on Dec 29th, I went for it. Conveniently, I was able to buy it while travelling through Portland on my way back up from San Francisco, so there was no sales tax.

The machine and I love each other. We have had an intense few days with each other. She still has no name... neither of us is sure yet what she will be called. But it will be magnificent, as she herself is. Ah, if only all love could be so rich, so rewarding. But what need have I for other love, now that I have her?

I am actually blogging right now on my bed. I am leaching Jaimes' wireless from across the driveway. The signal is poor, however. Our apartment could use a new wireless router (my roommate has a stupid netgear one that doesn't work, so I don't think it really counts), but it will have to wait until my next paycheck, as my funds have been stretched rather thin.

This may mean my blogging frequency will increase again, although not necessarily so. We shall see.

My dog is on the bed with me. He actually slept here last night. That makes twice ever in all the years I've had him. Happy, happy us.

Happy, happy me.

Ain't love grand?

On reading my most recent post, a friend of mine who worked an internship last summer with Environmental Working Group, a non-profit advocacy group, directed me to the EWG report on mercury and autism in susceptible children. Its findings are in line with many of the other bits I found and posted, but it is all bundled up in a nicely written and referenced package. Good reading.

Everywhere I look, these days, I seem confronted by the topic of autism. I learned last week that an aquaintance at work has two autistic children. Care was so difficult and the cost was so high that he and his wife eventually had to give the boys up to full time care facilities. The New York Times has had several articles on autism recently. I have seen articles in a number of other journals, as well. It has come up in a number of conversations, recently, and not of my accord.

Today I gave in, and I read a number of articles on on the disorder, discussing onset, causes, rise of incidence in the US, related diseases, etc. I figured if fate so vigilantly continues to place the subject in front of me, perhaps it is worth taking her up on it and exposing myself to it.

I found particularly interesting one article which claims that breastfeeding might help autistic children, and may even prevent autism. Of course, there were also articles warning against breastfeeding autistic children, speculating that the casien protein in breast milk can worsen the condition.

Then I got side-tracked for a while, reading about breast-feeding in general. Autism aside, it seems that children who are breast-fed develop a higher IQ than children who are formula fed, and develop stronger immune systems, as well. I plan to breastfeed all my children. I found it interesting (although unsurprising) that women with unintended pregnances are much less likely to breastfeed their children.

Back to autism. Further reading on autism led me to read about vaccines. Some feel that childhood vaccines are at least partially responsible for many incidences of autism these days. Preservatives in vaccines are a concern, particularly thimerosal, which is 50% mercury (although it seems that they have been phasing thimerosal out in the last several years due to such concerns).

What, then, can you do if you are concerned about the risks of vaccinating your child? Vaccine requirements are decided on a state to state basis. Generally, states require some level of vaccination for children to enter into the public school system. Many states allow religious excemptions and a few offer philosophical exemptions, but these can be hard to obtain.

I'm not sure how I feel about vaccination; there's so much diverse information out there, and I'm not at all educated on the subject. I will certainly want to become more educated before my children are vacccinated, however.

Reading about mercury in vaccinations and the possible causal link to autism led me to read about mercury poisoning compared with autism. Symptoms of mercury poisoning are quite similar to symptoms of autism, and some believe that at least a portion of reported cases of autism today are actually cases of mercury poisoning. Mercury toxicity also seems to be related to a number of other diseases, including (but not limited to) Alzheimer's disease.

This brought me to dental amalgams. Did you know that these widely used "silver fillings" are actually 50% mercury, and continually leak mercury vapor into your system day after day? The American Dental Association maintains the position that "amalgam continues to be a safe and effective restorative material" and "there currently appears to be no justification for discontinuing the use of dental amalgam". The US Government maintains a similar position. This line of thought is hotly contested, however. Some countries, including Canada, Sweden, German, and the UK, have even passed laws restrictng the number of amalgams that can be placed in children and pregnant women.

I now want to get my amalgams removed. Certainly before I ever conceive or bear children, hopefully quite a while before then. I'm going to call my dentist tomorrow to chat about it.

For all that blather above, I've barely brushed the surface of these topics, and I don't really know anything more about autism than when I started. I feel so under-educated and uninformed.

Good news - I passed my exam. I think. I felt like I did well, and our instructor said she would call to notify us if we failed, but only if we failed. I have not yet had a call from her. Safe for now!

"'You're not allowed to sell human remains or human beings on eBay,' Mr. Durzy explained."

Oops

In class just now, as we were winding down to our lunch break, the instructor said something to the effect of, "blah blah blah blah the exam on monday blah blah."

?!

I turned and whispered to Janet, sitting behind me, "Did she just say 'the exam on Monday'? Did she mean this Monday?"

Apparently she meant this Monday.

Janet said that it's better that I found out now than it would have been if I had found out ON Monday.

I guess that's true.

Still... oops. I should pay more attention to these sorts of things.

So cute!

It's not just me -

According to a story on eWeek, AOL has mistakenly suspended a very large number of AOL Instant Messenger (one of the most widely used IM programs) accounts, by mistake. I don't know about you guys, but this happened to me and a large percentage of friends and coworkers. AOL says that a fix should be ready by Monday.

AIM also finally added the following bit to their tech support page halfway through the day today: "If you recently began receiving an error message indicating that your sign on has been blocked because your account has been suspended, please be patient as we restore the accounts over the next several days. We apologize for the inconvenience." Rumor has it they'll have all accounts restored by Monday.

AOL has suspended an AIM account that I use regularly. When I attempt to sign in, I am directed to a page that tells me:

Your Screen Name is blocked from signing in to the AIM service.

Your Screen Name is blocked from signing in to the AIM service. There are several reasons why you may have received this message:

1. Screen Names that were previously used on AOL but have been cancelled or suspended, can no longer be used on AIM. This includes both master accounts and sub-accounts. In order to continue using this Screen Name on AIM, please reactivate the account on AOL.



2. AOL Screen Names that have one or more of the following Parental Controls set will no longer able to use AIM, even if they have previously been able to do so:
   - Instant Messages are Blocked.
   - Kid's Only age category.
   
   To access AIM, the Master Screen Name on the AOL account must go to AOL Keyword: Parental Controls and change the above settings for this Screen Name. In addition, your Screen Name must also be set to one of the following age categories: Young Teen, Mature Teen, or General (18+).



3. Users who identify themselves as a child under the age of 13 may not use this service at this time. If you are an adult and have entered your birth date incorrectly, you may use a credit card to complete our age verification process now, or anytime within 30 days of the date when you identified yourself as a child. You will not be charged for this credit card verification.
   
   Click here to sign in to our age verification form to reactivate your Screen Name.



4. An account may be terminated for violations of the terms of service.

This was never an AOL account; it was only an AIM screen name.

No parental controls were set.

The age verification system will not allow me to sign in with this account, leading me to believe that age verification is not the problem. I am quite sure I set the account up with my correct birthdate, anyhow.

That leaves only terms of service. But I read through their terms of service, and did not find any that I have violated. I use the account only for messaging a few friends. No email at all. No spamming. No questionable material. Did someone else hijack my account to do bad things? Is AOL erroneously blaming something on me? Are they suspending accounts for no reason at all?

It's just a silly IM account. I know that. But still, somehow, I feel violated.

I wrote the following in a comment on a friend's blog. As it's been on my mind, recently, though, I think it perhaps belongs here as well.

There was snow in MN when I was back last weekend. It made me so, so happy. So did all the brown. I realized that perhaps one of the reason I feel oft compelled to wear shades of brown these days is that I miss seeing it in the landscape around me each winter.

Well I had a dream I
stood beneath an orange sky

Yes, I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
with my brother standing by,
with my brother standing by.

I said, "Brother, you know, you know -
It's a long road we been walking on
yes it is, yes it is, you know
Brother it is such a long road we been walking on
Oh brother, oh brother."

And I had a dream I
stood beneath an orange sky
with my sister standing by,
with my sister standing by.

I say, "Here is what I know now, sister
here is what I know now, goes like this -
In your love
my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
in your love, in your love."

Oh, but you know, I am so weary
and you know my heart, my heart's been broken
Sometimes, sometimes my mind is too strong
to carry on

Too strong, too strong to carry on.

But when I'm alone, when I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you
that's when I miss you, you who are my home
You who are my home now.
You are my home now.

Here is what I know now brother,
here is what I know now sister - goes like this:
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love!
My salvation lies in your love
My salvation lies in your love
My salvation lies in your love
in your love, in your love, in your love.
In your love, now.

Oh, I had a dream I
stood beneath an orange sky
with my brother and my sister standing by.
My brother and my sister standing by.

- Orange Sky, by Alexi Murdoch.

Heard this on John Richard's show this morning. He made some comment about having had it played at his mother's funeral. The song resonated well with me, and also it seemed fitting with yesterday's post.

One of Alex's friends died in a plane crash on Sunday afternoon.

Alex is sad.

It makes me worry for the friends of mine who fly.

It makes me feel inadequate as a friend. I don't know what it is to have a friend die. I have not yet experienced that.

It makes me feel more mortal. What would happen to my dog if I passed on? Who would notify my family if something happened to me? Who would even know how to contact my family?

And I feel more acutely the mortality of those around me. What if this were the last time I ever spoke to he, or she, or you? How would I ever come to terms with it? We are all mortal, and the time will come when these things become a reality, no longer idle questions -- how will I hold up? Will I hold up?

Why do we live in this world, just to die? Why expend so much effort living, doing, working, buzzing about, when it all comes to nothing in the end? Why do we waste so much time on so many things that matter so little, when time is a limited commodity?

Susie's rat died the other day, also. This rat mothered the rats I had out here in Seattle last year. I was home for my brother's wedding last weekend and held the rat on Sunday afternoon. Two days ago, it was happily crawling up and down Susie's scarf, and I was petting it and playing with it. And now it is dead.

It's sad. And so much. So beyond my understanding. Life, death, time, mortality... I can't get my head around them.

According to a new study, lack of sleep messes with your hormones and may cause weight gain. Vewy, vewy intewesting.