Monday, March 22, 2004

Steve and Miles think it would be a terrible idea for me to move away and live in seclusion for any period of time. Miles could not believe the post was serious -- he kept waiting for the punch line. They say it is not for me, because I am, by nature, a social person.

I think this is true, but it is actually part of what draws me to the idea. Being alone would be difficult for me, no doubt. It would be painful. But back to the idea of struggle and failure as impetus for growth and change -- I believe a self-imposed hermitage would be a defining experience for me as a person.

I hold no illusions about the experience being pleasant -- this would not be meant as a vacation. Rather, it would be a road into myself. As Hermann Hesse wrote in Demian:
I wanted only to try to live in accord with the promptings which came from my true self. Why was that so difficult?
It would be difficult, certainly, but this says nothing of worthiness.

As a slight tangent, throughout my life I have been consistently more artistic during my down phases, whenever I was depressed, frustrated, facing conflict or dealing with failure. I was more musical, more adept with paints or clay, more inspired. When I am happy and time flies by in a haze of sunlight and good feeling, I become blocked. The artist within slumbers for a time. I believe that some time on my own, a period of abstinence from social contact, a forced struggle to be alone with myself -- this all would help me to find myself as an artist. It would serve to wake my inner self.

Happiness is shallow. Ultimately, I believe I would feel more fulfilled if I more fully reached my artistic potential. There is a deeper satisfaction in that, making any pain along the way worth bearing.

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