I keep getting a pre-recorded message from Cingular & AT&T on my cellphone asking me to "call customer service" about my number.

Problem is -- I am not WITH Cingular or AT&T. I use Sprint.

Getting this message -- either listening to it real time, or listening to the message -- eats up my cellphone minutes.

When I've talked to Sprint, they've been unable to help me -- they are not Cingular. They throw me around from this person to that person, but nobody is actually able to help me. They say the best they could do would be to change my wireless number. I think that's a stupid / cruddy solution.

When I attempt to speak TO Cingular, I can't get through to anybody, as I do not actually have a Cingular number to speak to them about. The people at the local Cingular Stores tell me that the best they can suggest is to talk to Customer Service, only I can't, because it's all automated and doesn't actually let you through to talk to anyone unless you have a Cingular/AT&T number to enter.

Any ideas on what I can do to stop this? It's really annoying, and I'm frustrated / annoyed / pissed off that I can't get it to stop.

I've already spent 30 minutes of my time sitting around talking to Sprint Customer Service people or sitting on automated lines trying to get ahold of real Cingular people. Not to mention the cellphone minutes I'm getting charged for each and every time they call me with that @#$@#% automated message. Not cool.

See my new toy?



Half a gig! The size of a pocket knife! Will wonders never cease to amaze?

I'm on hold with the Internal Revenue Service. How exciting! I've never spoken to the IRS before. Trying to figure out if cost basis of ESPP shares should be calculated using Purchase Price or Purchase FMV.

Other than this one last question, I am done filing my taxes. Done done done! And it is only February the 4th.

My mother always advised to "do" one's taxes as early as possible, and then to actually file earlier or later based on whether one owed to the IRS or was owed by the IRS. She didn't want the IRS collecting interest on her money any longer than they had to. Since I am owed this year, the advice sits well with me.

So I've been a student enrolled "at least half-time" since last September. This means I qualify for a credit on my tax return.

Here's what I don't understand -

I'm filing my return in TurboTax, which calculates your expected rebate (or payment) real-time as you go. The student tuition payments were one of the last things I entered, and when I entered them...my expected rebate was cut in half. That's right, the IRS will give me back less of my tax money due to my tuition "credit".

What's up with that?

Really, I'd be okay without credits like that.

On Drinking and Test Taking

This probably wouldn't help me any, eh?

I mean, unless I drink while I study. The way the nervous system works, the mind is more easily able to recall information in an environment similar to that in which it learned the information, so it's to your advantage to recreate your study environment as best you can when taking tests. That way your system will more easily access the information you want.

...so if I drink this weekend while I'm studying...

...and then drink next Wednesday right before the big Anatomy & Physiology exam...

...I'll actually be doing myself a favor, right?

Right.

On Test Taking

I am not looking forward to upcoming tests. I bet they would be easier if I had spent more time these last several months working on paying attention.

On Paying Attention

I suck at paying attention.

On Drinking

"Not only red wine but also white wine, beer and hard liquor
appear to protect against mental decline in older women, two new
studies have found," or so says the New York Times. Interesting.

Check out my new favorite French hip-hop song. Such a nice groove! I'm waiting expectantly for the album to arrive in the mail.

Here is an (poor) approximate English translation of the lyrics:

They met back in school
Between a math class and a spanish class
She was a soccer fan
But he didn't fear balls, it was the goal
He promised rides in a Corvette
But for now, he was stealing scooters
Between them there was always complicity
Stop on a pedestal, a clear dream
If he became triangle, she would be rectangle
The beauty and the bad boy, the triangular rectangle
It's like going from Joe Dassin to Jodeci
A real R&B videoclip drama
She's living the great love, that begins in the court
Continues during tours and always rhymes with 'toujours'
But the context is sronger than the concept
Her man jumps into the flames and showers in them

Refrain
The subsets in the great sets are assembled
The beauty and the bad boy(x3)

The subsets in the great sets are assembled
The subsets in the great sets are assembled
To win money together
Talk without giving the impression of doing business together
And when it gets bloody, they plead God ogether. See.
They were convinving, She was convinced]
To think today that stopping was out of the question
They traffic counterfeit money with Slavic networks
Beat the competition. In France it's a serious offense
Risk for the knobs, he leaves the Baumettes
He has only one trick in mind, it is the search of his Corvette.
Paranoiac environment, the opposing team lags behind
Projectiles go off when a BMW brakes
When she falls, tears drops off his eyes
Two .22 bullets. Twenty two(years old) Goodbye.
The Context is stronger than the concept
Her man jumps into the flames He has to shower in them

As you've noticed, I've not been blogging much. Or maybe you've not noticed, having given up on even looking for new content.

This, despite now again owning a computer.

What's up with that, you ask?

I do occasionally think about things which, in my mind, may be worthy of posting. But I find my bar is higher these days -- things I'll discuss in conversation with friends seems too mundane, or too risque, or too lewd for posting in a public forum.

Like today, during a coffee break, Chris and I were talking. He has noticed a trend over time where it seems the bigger the guy, the harder it is to get him off. I thought back on all my relationships, and this seems to generally hold true in my experience, as well. Why is that? Littler members can be more easily encompassed in their entirety? It is harder to stimulate as great a percentage of bigger members, and percentage of the member stimulated makes a difference?

Had you ever thought about that?

Are you glad you have now?

If not, too late -- it's posted, you've read it, so move on and deal with it already.

But there's lots like that that I'm not posting.

Should I be? Is it better I'm not? Will I feel inclined to again with time? Will I find different content to wrap myself around, given a few weeks or months? Or is my blog doomed to die a slow and painful death?

Tune in next time, when all these questions and more may be answered. Same kat time, same kat channel.

Have you ever lodged a nail in your brain and not noticed it for 6 days?

A Breckenridge construction worker is recovering after going to the dentist for a toothache that turned out to have been caused by a 4-inch nail lodged in his skull. Patrick Lawler, 23, said he was using a nail gun on Jan. 6 when it backfired, firing a nail into a nearby piece of wood. And, unbeknownst to him, a second nail went through the roof in his mouth, and into his head -- about an inch and a half into his brain -- barely missing the back of his eye.

How, how, how do you not notice a nail lodged in your brain? Or at
least the entrance wound, you know?

From the article: "'We just thought it was a big contusion. You get
punched or something, and your eyes swell up, your jaws swell up,
whatever ... We didn't think a nail was hanging out, poking where it
shouldn't have been,' Lawler said."

So he didn't notice because he thought it was like a contusion where
he got punched... but he never got punched! If my eye and jaw was
swollen, all of a sudden, as if maybe I had been punched, and I didn't
remember getting punched, I'd think it might set off alarm bells. I'd
hope.

All things Mike Dust - truely awesome.

From ABC News: Minnesota Town Hits 54 Below Zero.

Ah. It's days like this that I miss home. I mean, that I don't. Miss home. Not all that much.

I like having warm feet and hands and digits and such. Yeah, the rainy dreariness of Seattle gets old, and yeah, it's been pretty cold here lately, but not cold like that.

The New York Times Magazine recently posted an article about toxicity of breast milk. Interesting reading, and good stuff to think about given that I plan to breastfeed if I ever mother children. All the same, continually reading about stuff like this may be somewhat akin to picking at a wound... I can worry, worry, worry about all the chemicals building up in all of our systems, about exposure to flame retardants, to teflon, to chemicals that were banned before I was born but are still being passed through the food chain and building up in my body, but what can I do about any of it? Yes, I am getting my amalgamated fillings taken out, but there's still everything else in the world affecting me, my environment, the food I eat. Crazy to think about.

I've been sick today. I hate being sick; I become a whiny, emotional mess. I feel physically awful, and on top of it, I feel sorry for myself, wishing someone would take care of me. Maybe because my father spoiled me when I was little, and waited on me hand and foot when I was ill. I hate asking favors of people, asking for help -- but when I'm sick, I find myself breaking all my rules and asking away. Or even worse, asking without asking. Don't you hate it when people do that? Why can't they just be up front about what they want?

Alex came by and brought me Pho at lunch time. Very sweet of him. And very nice, because I had no food, was not up to leaving the apartment, and probably would not have eaten today otherwise. I love him for doing it, but hate myself for not being self-sufficient, for needing help. How messed up is that? And more so that I am conscious of it.

On the bright side, I am starting to feel a little better. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be well.

The Dante's Inferno Test pegs me as a violent sinner:

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Extreme
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Very High

Take the Dante's Inferno Test

What sort of sinner are you?

I made three new year's resolutions. Was talking to Tina, who made several well thought out resolutions that I think she has a good chance of holding fast to. I admired her willingness to look within and to address areas in which she wanted to grow.

Here are mine:

1. Floss.
   
   (I cheated. I stole that one from her. And she had stolen it from someone else.


2. Be more dependable.
   
   (I am generally not dependable, socially. Especially when I've got work and school both going strong. I do realize this about myself, and I do not like it. But at the same time, I haven't really found the motivation yet to tackle it head on and attempt change. I resolve now to make a good-faith effort at modifying my behavior in this arena.)


3. Do not make commitments I cannot/will not keep.
   
   (If I watch before I speak and cut down on making commitments I would like to keep or feel like I should but know that I will not, it will help me to be more dependable. If I say I'll do something or be somewhere that I will not, I am setting myself up for an instance wherein I will be engaging in non-dependable behavior, as I later break the commitment.)

So...

Yeah.

Wish me luck.

I had all these things in mind that I wanted to blog about this morning, but now, for the life of me, I can't remember what they are.

In other news -

I went to the dentist today. He doesn't think I need to have my amalgamated fillings removed. For myself, I think I would probably be okay keeping them in, but I want to bear children sometime in the next decade, and I don't feel comfortable going through a pregnancy with them in, given the possibilities. Maybe they're harmless. But maybe they're not. And it's my potential offspring that will suffer if they are harmful, and I'm not willing to take that risk for the sake of saving a little bit of money right now. How much is peace of mind worth to you? Hard to put a price value on it.

I started work again today, also. It was difficult concentrating and getting back into the flow. Not that I was all that into the flow before. I need to figure out how to get into productive-programming mode each day without requiring several hours of warm-up time.

So, about that - in the neural system unit of anatomy last month, we learned that, if you have trouble taking tests, you should make your study environment as similar to your test taking environment as possible. This is because environment factors into the way that your body takes and processes information, and it will be easier to access information in an environment similar to the one in which you learned it. So wear the same underwear, or eat the same foods just before, or do whatever you need to do.

In college, I think I trained my body to process programatic sorts of thoughts best late at night/early in the morning, when I was always finishing up programming projects the night before they were due. And now, it's hard for my to get into that frame of mind during the day. 9 PM - 5 AM, I can slip into that mode quite easily. But 10 AM? Not so easy. Problem is, I don't want to do all my work at night. And my boss doesn't want me to, either. So I need to retrain myself. It's pretty painful.

Several months ago, the commenting service I subscribe to stopped sending me notifications when people create new comments. I have not gotten any responses to my requests for support, even though I paid for the service. I need to get my butt in gear and just create my own blogging and commenting system that addresses all the little problems I have with the ones I use now -- hopefully, now that I have a computer again, I'll be motivated to do that sometime soon.

What's with that, anyway? Why is it so hard to motivate myself to start things? My to-do list is, like, a million items long. I accomplish this and that here and there -- this weekend, I completely cleaned my car out, and it's cleaner since it's been since we bought it -- but then the rest of the list sits stagnant through the years.

My family sent me a package the day before Christmas. It has yet to arrive.

I think the postman may have hijacked it.



At least I got myself a Christmas present. And I didn't mail it to myself. So it never got lost in the mail.

And now I'm happy, oh so happy.

Until tomorrow, when I start school again. And Tuesday, when I start work again. Did I mention that I'm a little bit nervous about that? Vacation has been so nice. I dread the thought of getting so very, very busy again, of running all around all the time and always being behind on everything, from now until August when I graduate.

Speaking of which, I have an Anatomy exam coming up. I guess I should probably study while I still have some free time left today and tomorrow. Pish Posh.

Merry Christmas, me.

I am now the proud owner of a 12" G4 PowerBook. A Mac! How do you like that, Mr. Gates? I agonized for months over whether or not to make the leap, but on Dec 29th, I went for it. Conveniently, I was able to buy it while travelling through Portland on my way back up from San Francisco, so there was no sales tax.

The machine and I love each other. We have had an intense few days with each other. She still has no name... neither of us is sure yet what she will be called. But it will be magnificent, as she herself is. Ah, if only all love could be so rich, so rewarding. But what need have I for other love, now that I have her?

I am actually blogging right now on my bed. I am leaching Jaimes' wireless from across the driveway. The signal is poor, however. Our apartment could use a new wireless router (my roommate has a stupid netgear one that doesn't work, so I don't think it really counts), but it will have to wait until my next paycheck, as my funds have been stretched rather thin.

This may mean my blogging frequency will increase again, although not necessarily so. We shall see.

My dog is on the bed with me. He actually slept here last night. That makes twice ever in all the years I've had him. Happy, happy us.

Happy, happy me.

Ain't love grand?

On reading my most recent post, a friend of mine who worked an internship last summer with Environmental Working Group, a non-profit advocacy group, directed me to the EWG report on mercury and autism in susceptible children. Its findings are in line with many of the other bits I found and posted, but it is all bundled up in a nicely written and referenced package. Good reading.

Everywhere I look, these days, I seem confronted by the topic of autism. I learned last week that an aquaintance at work has two autistic children. Care was so difficult and the cost was so high that he and his wife eventually had to give the boys up to full time care facilities. The New York Times has had several articles on autism recently. I have seen articles in a number of other journals, as well. It has come up in a number of conversations, recently, and not of my accord.

Today I gave in, and I read a number of articles on on the disorder, discussing onset, causes, rise of incidence in the US, related diseases, etc. I figured if fate so vigilantly continues to place the subject in front of me, perhaps it is worth taking her up on it and exposing myself to it.

I found particularly interesting one article which claims that breastfeeding might help autistic children, and may even prevent autism. Of course, there were also articles warning against breastfeeding autistic children, speculating that the casien protein in breast milk can worsen the condition.

Then I got side-tracked for a while, reading about breast-feeding in general. Autism aside, it seems that children who are breast-fed develop a higher IQ than children who are formula fed, and develop stronger immune systems, as well. I plan to breastfeed all my children. I found it interesting (although unsurprising) that women with unintended pregnances are much less likely to breastfeed their children.

Back to autism. Further reading on autism led me to read about vaccines. Some feel that childhood vaccines are at least partially responsible for many incidences of autism these days. Preservatives in vaccines are a concern, particularly thimerosal, which is 50% mercury (although it seems that they have been phasing thimerosal out in the last several years due to such concerns).

What, then, can you do if you are concerned about the risks of vaccinating your child? Vaccine requirements are decided on a state to state basis. Generally, states require some level of vaccination for children to enter into the public school system. Many states allow religious excemptions and a few offer philosophical exemptions, but these can be hard to obtain.

I'm not sure how I feel about vaccination; there's so much diverse information out there, and I'm not at all educated on the subject. I will certainly want to become more educated before my children are vacccinated, however.

Reading about mercury in vaccinations and the possible causal link to autism led me to read about mercury poisoning compared with autism. Symptoms of mercury poisoning are quite similar to symptoms of autism, and some believe that at least a portion of reported cases of autism today are actually cases of mercury poisoning. Mercury toxicity also seems to be related to a number of other diseases, including (but not limited to) Alzheimer's disease.

This brought me to dental amalgams. Did you know that these widely used "silver fillings" are actually 50% mercury, and continually leak mercury vapor into your system day after day? The American Dental Association maintains the position that "amalgam continues to be a safe and effective restorative material" and "there currently appears to be no justification for discontinuing the use of dental amalgam". The US Government maintains a similar position. This line of thought is hotly contested, however. Some countries, including Canada, Sweden, German, and the UK, have even passed laws restrictng the number of amalgams that can be placed in children and pregnant women.

I now want to get my amalgams removed. Certainly before I ever conceive or bear children, hopefully quite a while before then. I'm going to call my dentist tomorrow to chat about it.

For all that blather above, I've barely brushed the surface of these topics, and I don't really know anything more about autism than when I started. I feel so under-educated and uninformed.

Good news - I passed my exam. I think. I felt like I did well, and our instructor said she would call to notify us if we failed, but only if we failed. I have not yet had a call from her. Safe for now!

"'You're not allowed to sell human remains or human beings on eBay,' Mr. Durzy explained."

Oops

In class just now, as we were winding down to our lunch break, the instructor said something to the effect of, "blah blah blah blah the exam on monday blah blah."

?!

I turned and whispered to Janet, sitting behind me, "Did she just say 'the exam on Monday'? Did she mean this Monday?"

Apparently she meant this Monday.

Janet said that it's better that I found out now than it would have been if I had found out ON Monday.

I guess that's true.

Still... oops. I should pay more attention to these sorts of things.

So cute!

It's not just me -

According to a story on eWeek, AOL has mistakenly suspended a very large number of AOL Instant Messenger (one of the most widely used IM programs) accounts, by mistake. I don't know about you guys, but this happened to me and a large percentage of friends and coworkers. AOL says that a fix should be ready by Monday.

AIM also finally added the following bit to their tech support page halfway through the day today: "If you recently began receiving an error message indicating that your sign on has been blocked because your account has been suspended, please be patient as we restore the accounts over the next several days. We apologize for the inconvenience." Rumor has it they'll have all accounts restored by Monday.

AOL has suspended an AIM account that I use regularly. When I attempt to sign in, I am directed to a page that tells me:

Your Screen Name is blocked from signing in to the AIM service.

Your Screen Name is blocked from signing in to the AIM service. There are several reasons why you may have received this message:

1. Screen Names that were previously used on AOL but have been cancelled or suspended, can no longer be used on AIM. This includes both master accounts and sub-accounts. In order to continue using this Screen Name on AIM, please reactivate the account on AOL.



2. AOL Screen Names that have one or more of the following Parental Controls set will no longer able to use AIM, even if they have previously been able to do so:
   - Instant Messages are Blocked.
   - Kid's Only age category.
   
   To access AIM, the Master Screen Name on the AOL account must go to AOL Keyword: Parental Controls and change the above settings for this Screen Name. In addition, your Screen Name must also be set to one of the following age categories: Young Teen, Mature Teen, or General (18+).



3. Users who identify themselves as a child under the age of 13 may not use this service at this time. If you are an adult and have entered your birth date incorrectly, you may use a credit card to complete our age verification process now, or anytime within 30 days of the date when you identified yourself as a child. You will not be charged for this credit card verification.
   
   Click here to sign in to our age verification form to reactivate your Screen Name.



4. An account may be terminated for violations of the terms of service.

This was never an AOL account; it was only an AIM screen name.

No parental controls were set.

The age verification system will not allow me to sign in with this account, leading me to believe that age verification is not the problem. I am quite sure I set the account up with my correct birthdate, anyhow.

That leaves only terms of service. But I read through their terms of service, and did not find any that I have violated. I use the account only for messaging a few friends. No email at all. No spamming. No questionable material. Did someone else hijack my account to do bad things? Is AOL erroneously blaming something on me? Are they suspending accounts for no reason at all?

It's just a silly IM account. I know that. But still, somehow, I feel violated.

I wrote the following in a comment on a friend's blog. As it's been on my mind, recently, though, I think it perhaps belongs here as well.

There was snow in MN when I was back last weekend. It made me so, so happy. So did all the brown. I realized that perhaps one of the reason I feel oft compelled to wear shades of brown these days is that I miss seeing it in the landscape around me each winter.

Well I had a dream I
stood beneath an orange sky

Yes, I had a dream
I stood beneath an orange sky
with my brother standing by,
with my brother standing by.

I said, "Brother, you know, you know -
It's a long road we been walking on
yes it is, yes it is, you know
Brother it is such a long road we been walking on
Oh brother, oh brother."

And I had a dream I
stood beneath an orange sky
with my sister standing by,
with my sister standing by.

I say, "Here is what I know now, sister
here is what I know now, goes like this -
In your love
my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
in your love, in your love."

Oh, but you know, I am so weary
and you know my heart, my heart's been broken
Sometimes, sometimes my mind is too strong
to carry on

Too strong, too strong to carry on.

But when I'm alone, when I've thrown off the weight of this crazy stone
When I've lost all care for the things I own
That's when I miss you
that's when I miss you, you who are my home
You who are my home now.
You are my home now.

Here is what I know now brother,
here is what I know now sister - goes like this:
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love!
My salvation lies in your love
My salvation lies in your love
My salvation lies in your love
in your love, in your love, in your love.
In your love, now.

Oh, I had a dream I
stood beneath an orange sky
with my brother and my sister standing by.
My brother and my sister standing by.

- Orange Sky, by Alexi Murdoch.

Heard this on John Richard's show this morning. He made some comment about having had it played at his mother's funeral. The song resonated well with me, and also it seemed fitting with yesterday's post.

One of Alex's friends died in a plane crash on Sunday afternoon.

Alex is sad.

It makes me worry for the friends of mine who fly.

It makes me feel inadequate as a friend. I don't know what it is to have a friend die. I have not yet experienced that.

It makes me feel more mortal. What would happen to my dog if I passed on? Who would notify my family if something happened to me? Who would even know how to contact my family?

And I feel more acutely the mortality of those around me. What if this were the last time I ever spoke to he, or she, or you? How would I ever come to terms with it? We are all mortal, and the time will come when these things become a reality, no longer idle questions -- how will I hold up? Will I hold up?

Why do we live in this world, just to die? Why expend so much effort living, doing, working, buzzing about, when it all comes to nothing in the end? Why do we waste so much time on so many things that matter so little, when time is a limited commodity?

Susie's rat died the other day, also. This rat mothered the rats I had out here in Seattle last year. I was home for my brother's wedding last weekend and held the rat on Sunday afternoon. Two days ago, it was happily crawling up and down Susie's scarf, and I was petting it and playing with it. And now it is dead.

It's sad. And so much. So beyond my understanding. Life, death, time, mortality... I can't get my head around them.

According to a new study, lack of sleep messes with your hormones and may cause weight gain. Vewy, vewy intewesting.

If Susie were a princess, she would be Snow White. Which Disney Princess would I be?

. . .

I am Esmerelda!

Mysterious and passionate, I am a survivor. Even though life has swung me some difficult situations I have a strong intuition that gets me through. Also, I have the capacity to sympathize and relate to people.

Which Disney Princess Are You?

They told us tonight in class that Term 2 will be our most difficult term. This makes me nervous, especially as I've already been feeling a bit strung out. Wish me luck. And health and happiness. And maybe a Time-Turner; I could totally do with that.

Man, speaking of Time-Turners...

I miss Paul Wellstone.

Woah.

You know that thing you see on some web-forms, where you're supposed to "type the words in this box", and they're all skewed, and it's supposed to prevent spammers and bots from using the form?

Yahoo makes you do that now before forwarding an email to multiple recipients. Insane.

Here's an interesting way of looking at election results and the spread of votes across the country: Maps and cartograms of the 2004 US presidential election results.

From my brother's fiance's blog:

Wednesday, November 03, 2004
4 More Years?

---

4 more years of worrying about Leroy having to go back to Iraq (or who knows where)...
4 more years of fearing being a widow at the age of 25...
4 more years of being unemployed...
4 more years with no health insurance...
4 more years of budget cuts...
4 more years of poverty...

STUPID AMERICANS AND THEIR ONE ISSUE VOTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU TO THOSE OF YOU WHO VOTED FOR BUSH FOR CONDEMNING ME AND MY FAMILY TO ANOTHER FOUR YEARS OF HELL!!!!!!

Canada is looking mighty good right now. Or perhaps teaching over seas.

posted by Amber @ 1:29 PM

That's one way to say it.

I've not, for the most part, had to deal yet with death on a personal level. I mean, my grandfather died when I was two. I don't remember him at all. A cousin died at sixteen about four years ago, but he grew up across the country from me and I never really knew him. Recently one of my great aunts passed away, but I only have vague memories of seeing her at family reunions when I was a child. I've had a number of pets pass away, but it's not the same, you know?

That's it.

None of my friends have ever passed away. None of my daily acquaintances. All of my immediate family is healthy. My living grandfather got very sick once, but he got better. Nobody that I've ever been really close to has died.

How will I handle it when I am suddenly confronted with death?

I don't know how to deal with people I am close to when they are confronted with death. I don't know how to relate. I feel suddenly inadequate.

Can I really understand the life and death cycle on a deeper level without ever having been confronted with it?

I think I still have, to the core of my bones, some misguided feeling that I am immortal. That I always have been, just as I am now, and always will be.

Also, I think I have the same notions in relation to everyone I am close to, to family, to friends. To anyone I love. They will always be, just as they are now. I know it's irrational, but some deep part of me still feels it.

Do most people feel that way?

Some people?

Is it just me?

It's all so irrational, but so deep within me. How will I get by when I am actually faced with death, when these deeply held beliefs all crumble?

I am sad.

Now isn't that sexy?

Jon said that he'll marry me if Bush wins a second term. I'm prepared for the worst -- Canada, I've got you on my radar.

I nearly cried on the table last night.

We were doing energy work. I'm actually a bit of a skeptic when it comes to energy work; it sounds like a lot of feel-good goopy hocus pocus to me. People may break down when I massage them because their muscles can hold emotions within? We need to remember the emotional and spiritual connection when thinking about mind/body, because it's all interconnected? Maybe, but I'll withhold judgment for now. I believe in the things I can see.

So anyway, we were doing hands-on energy work. Broke up into groups of three; a counselor, a scribe, and a client. I got to be the client first.

So my upper rib muscles and the muscles over my sternum have been sore the last few weeks. I'm not sure why. I've figured it's something to do with the dancing I'm doing recently; I'm using new muscles in ways I haven't before, and they are sore as a result. The soreness is a good sign.

On a whim, when asked where my 'counselor' should do her hands-on work with me, I indicated that my upper ribs should be touched. I lay down on the table, she touched...

And man, it was emotional.

I had images of cold steel, hard, light glinting off of it. Where her hands were, all gray. The rest of my body, red, warm, but still cold where our connection was, that part of my body, her hands. The image shifted a bit to steel padlocks, a lock, locked. Her hands, the connection, felt so far away. Here I was, but that part of me was almost unreachable, was somewhere else. And I felt inexplicably sad. And I almost cried. It took a while to come down from that, even after she stopped touching me.

I don't know if there are actually emotions locked away in those muscles, or what the deal was, but it was an emotional experience. Maybe there is something to all this energy stuff, and I need to just be open to it? I don't know.

Later on, when I was 'the counselor', my client asked that I put my hands on her forehead, with my fingers cupped over her eyes. I did. She visualized this, visualized that... then asked that the pressure be a little less. I realized that I was putting some of my own energy into her, that I wasn't being really open to the messages coming from her body, wasn't listening to what was coming from her. I let up the pressure.

Momentarily, a vision come to me of her head as a glowing white-green ball of energy, much like the bauble Eilonwy carried about with her in The Black Cauldron. I listened. And she felt a difference, and her experience was deepened, improved. That she could feel a difference when all that had changed was the way that I was thinking, receiving her... I dunno. That's something, too.

Then I went dancing, and I swear, I was aware of people's energy in a way I'm usually not, and it made my dancing better.

I don't know what all this is about, or if I can be aware like that more of the time, if I can cultivate an energy awareness. Our teacher last night talked about quantum physics, how if we studied it, we would learn that we all have pockets of energy rooted in our bodies, more commonly known as auras. Magnetic fields and such. It's so outside the realm of things I know, have been taught, have believed in. But is that cause for me to cast a quick judgment and throw it all out the window?

My upper chest muscles are still sore. Not as much as they have been, but whatever's going on, physical, spiritual, emotional, whatever - it's still there.

Creepy! I browsed to The State Quiz from some girl's blog, which I had in turn browsed to off of my youngest sister's blog. It pegged this particular person as "Nebraska", her childhood home state. Then I took the quiz, and it pegged me as Minnesota, the state where I spent my childhood.

You're Minnesota!

You love hanging out around lakes, even if they're frozen solid. Given your probable Scandanavian heritage, it all just demonstrates that you're pining for the fjords. Your obsession with wrestling got a little carried away for a while there, and this should prompt some serious reflection about the separation of mind and body. It may be time to celebrate, even throw your hat up in the air. You're going to make it after all.

Take the State Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

6 questions, 64 possible outcomes, and it manages to link me to Minnesota.

Why not Guam, or Idaho, or The Moon? Crazy.

From MSNBC:

FDA approves computer chip for humans

Medical milestone or privacy invasion? A tiny computer chip approved Wednesday for implantation in a patient’s arm can speed vital information about a patient’s medical history to doctors and hospitals. But critics warn that it could open new ways to imperil the confidentiality of medical records. . .

How crazy is that? Kinda scary, I think.

1. My butterfly has passed on. This before I was able to snap a picture. I suppose I could snap a picture of his corpse and post it still.


2. The last several nights in a row I've had nightmares all night long. I meant to post about them all, but I don't think I can right now (see item 4). At least some of them involved seeing a bear attack and maul people I know, and being pushed around by several dirty cops, led by Ian McKellen who, for whatever reason, was the chief of police (and a dirty bastard at that).


3. For the first time in my life, I had a knife pulled on me. So much excitement. I'll post about it later; if I don't, remind me.


4. I'm sick. Caught a goddamned cold, from my goddamned roommate. I planned not to be sick, but man, I went and screwed that up. So now I'm all busy feeling sorry for myself and stuff. Oh, woe is me, I have work in the morning. Oh, woe is me, I have school all the time. Oh, woe is me, I have so much homework to do. Oh, woe is me, I've no one to take care of me, and I'm in no shape to take care of myself. Woe, woe, woe. I might just cry myself a river.

More (and more sensical) updates to come, when I am less under the weather.

I HAVE A BUTTERFLY!!! It's a boy -- I've discovered this from the wing pattern. HE HATCHED! Isn't that super-awesome?!

Pictures soon to come. I would take them now, except my roommate isn't here, and I don't know where he's put his camera.

Butterfly butterfly butterfly! My first baby butterfly! I've never hatched a butterfly before; I'm so very, very proud. I'm going to be such a good mommy. I just fed him and put him into a bigger container. I am going to let him free, but I'm going to wait until daytime. Right now it's dark, rainy, and cold. Not the ideal environment in which to send off your first child to fend for themself.

BUTTERFLY!

I'm so, so excited!

Pictures soon, both of he in his cocoon, and of he now, wings and all. Promise.

I'm feeling much better this morning. Christa got in last night; it's nice to have her around again. Good times with the roommates.

---

So anyway, I'm working again now. Yesterday was my first full day.

Had I mentioned that my last contract ended because MS wanted to outsource the work I was doing to India?

Ironically, my new contract is through an Indian company, but back again at MS. Full circle.

---

It's a small, small world -- it turns out that I'm in the same cube-farm as CRM Product Management. So strange seeing folks from the old team wandering around the hallways at work. I'm not sure I'll get used to that.

Being sick, working full time, and going to school all at once is a bit overwhelming. I wish I had someone to take care of me. I want someone to cook me soup and pour me orange juice and make my life all better.

I haven't been able to publish for two days, but blogger just sent me an email that seems to indicate publishing will work now. Here goes!

I just took the TIPP Learning Assessment for my massage school. I was inclined to dismiss the resulting profile as bunk, although some does seem to fit me (espeically within the "Areas to Develop" section). Following are some excerpts from its assessment of me -- if you feel like reading through them, let me know what you think.

. . .

INDIVIDUAL DESCRIPTION
In the playground of your mind, you learn through relationship and can see the relationships that exist between objects, concepts and people. Whether through instructors, work associates or more personal connections -- these relationships are key to how you learn best.

You are a people person. While some view the learning relationship as a component of their learning process, for you, it determines whether you learn. The relationship, and sometimes even the person(s) involved, acts as a guide - directing you on your learning journey - to a greater level of self-understanding and personal knowledge. Thus, mentors who encourage self-discovery are likely the instructors to whom you are most drawn.

You enjoy the act of communication almost as much as relationships themselves. Language, whether written or spoken, is used to develop deeper, clearer, more meaningful relationships - which in turn, help you to experience learning in a meaningful way. No doubt you have spent hours sharing your thoughts and feelings, opinions and attitudes and relationship perceptions with the "teachers" in your life. The time spent, while socially satisfying, provided you with an opportunity to implement the very language you love.

It should be noted that learning relationships are not exclusive to people. These meaningful connections can also include animals. Although odd to some, you may find that one (or more) of your most significant emotional relationships involves a beloved pet. Depending on your social circle or your introverted or extraverted preference, your pet might serve as a major learning relationship. Your language may not be the same, however, given your gift for creative communication, any existing language barriers are likely broken down.

Typically, your performance in traditional learning arenas (school, classrooms, etc.) is directly related to the subject matter and the facilitator. A preference for the humanities (behavioral sciences, language, literature, philosophy, etc.) accentuates your social interest. However, when the instructor is not relationally oriented and doesn't provide learning activities or offer individualized support, the material becomes much less engaging -- once again emphasizing the value of the learning relationship.

Your ability to grasp theory is high. This has to do with your natural inclination to approach things in a relational way. In fact, one of your greatest strengths is the ability to analyze and articulate general themes and patterns in communication and social behaviors. To share your discoveries with others is your personal pleasure and one of the many ways you contribute to the lives of those around.

Although there is a traditional quality to your learning process, your need for personal enrichment freedom over shadows most of your conventional perspectives. The ultimate search for meaning, is likely one of your objectives, both in life and in learning. Thus, you may view traditional attitudes as a limit to your learning success. However, when structured as an opportunity for self-discovery and the freedom to experiment, even more formal learning activities are appreciated.

Finally, you learn by gathering information through your five senses. Although you are drawn to "the metaphor" or may search for the deeper meaning of someone's behaviors, your initial introduction to any learning material should be by sight. You take in material best through our eyes. You need to see what is asked of you. You need to see and/or read the directions. Reinforcing what you have seen through experiential learning opportunities helps you to internalize the information even more.

. . .

AREAS TO DEVELOP
Although your people-orientation and ability to communicate are great strengths, focusing on them alone can limit your learning experience. For example, words without action can result in simply talking about doing something, but never really following through. While learning about a particular subject, you could find that you'd rather share your thoughts and feelings about the topic instead to studying it in depth or developing the skills necessary to implement it fully. Certainly the learning process is valuable overall. But don't forget, the result of most learning experiences includes both process and product - the combination of which demonstrates personal growth and discernable learning success.

Given the significance of the learning relationship, you might have a tendency to obsess on or romanticize those with whom you're connecting. Once you encounter a relationship that invites the process of meaningful self-discovery, you never forget it. In fact, it is often hard to relinquish when the time comes to do so. Being mindful of that, we encourage you to remember that every relationship has a beginning and an end. It has an ultimate purpose. When you realize the purpose of each relationship, the need to hold on becomes less intense. Thus, the learning process remains about you and your ability to learn -- instead of focused on the other person or the relationship that's shared.

Last but not least - remember your playful learning quality. Learning through play is important and can be extremely valuable. It can help you live more in the present and celebrate the temporary. Consider this scenario the next time something big is required of you: Your editor calls you with a hundred revisions to your latest draft. Instead of stewing over the criticism or simply the work that is required, head for your nearest playground. Hop on a swing and feel your stomach do somersaults and the wind on your face. When you're done, keep that sensual memory handy for when you begin writing. Getting back in your body can help you get out of your head. Besides, your heart writes all the true stories.

. . .

As I've been finishing up my move and sorting through contents of boxes that haven't seen the light of day for 10 years, I've come across some old poetry. I'm going to post it, here and there. Be warned that some of it is a little dark.

---

desperate consumption of
salt water sex
trying to satiate an
all-consuming thirst.
loneliness,
empty.
my lips crack painfully
hard tanned leather

. (I fall back to frightened child
. trying to hold at bay
. phalic games, talk
. limbs of a too big alien culture
. But my hands are too small
. pebbles swept away by the flood
. A man-driven storm
. ravages my small ragdoll
. limp beaten form)

must pump harder
faster
engage the thrill
what once devastated
will surely be my salvation
drink more
yet the thirst grows

. (Broken, sobbing
. he has poured my cup out
. Puddle on the floor
. ever pooling out of reach)

salt eating away
dry chapped empty hole consuming

by Kathryn Krueger, written in April of 2000.


This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

My caterpillar is pupating! How awesome is that? I snapped a few pictures and will post one sometime soon. Try to contain yourself until then, okay?

Yesterday I was eating some fresh broccoli when, lo and behold, I noticed a caterpillar nestled under the florets! He looks like this:



I named him Moses, for although he was not found hiding away in a basket amongst the river weeds, he was found hiding away amongst my broccoli florets, and I set him up in a glass on my table. Inside the glass I put his bit of broccoli, a branch and some leaves from a neighborhood tree, and several drops of water. I covered the top with saranwrap, and punched a number of holes in the wrap to allow him oxygen and airflow.

Moses was slow and lethargic when we first discovered him, but has become much more active. I suppose he was cold, living in my crisper drawer, and is much happier now that he has warmed up.

When I sat down to eat my breakfast this morning, I peeked into his new abode and noticed a mass of yellow-green balls piled at the bottom of the glass. Eggs? Perhaps there will be many Moses Juniors in a short time!

Chris and I think he is an Imported Cabbageworm, the species shown in the picture above. I'm hoping that he will pupate here in our kitchen. He would be the first butterfly I've ever raised.

So much drama and intruigue in my job world lately; moreso than the last time! Riding on past experiences, I'm a little hesitant to post much about it until I make this site a little secure.

Ask me sometime in person, though, and I'll share a few good stories.

Or maybe I'll get my butt in gear with this site sometime soon. Wouldn't that beat all.

Busy, busy, busy.

So I have no job now, and we have internet access in the apartment, but I've been super-busy lately. Funny how that works -- the more time I think I'll have, the busier I seem to get. Maybe I'm more liberal about trying to fit things into my schedule right now, since I imagine that I'll have all the time in the world -- if I thought I had less time, I'd schedule less and attempt to do less, and would end up having more free time in the balance.

Do you find yourself out on too many intollerable dates? Can't say no, but can't endure the thought of seeing the whole thing through? Cingular and Virgin Mobile now offer "rescue calls" as part of their cell-phone service -- arrange to have them call you up at a pre-ordained time, and a recorded message will walk you through an excuse to get you out of any situation. That's right! Rather than fighting your passive-aggressive urges, you can wallow in them, with your cell phone provider coddling you all the way.

At the Westlake dance this afternoon, a pigeon was all in a panic because it had gotten some twine caught up around its foot, and a large stick also attached to the twine.

Several dancers and onlookers somehow caught the pigeon, subdued it, and made a quick and efficient operation out of removing the stick and twine. It couldn't be undone just by hand, but someone had nail clippers so they were able to cut the string apart. The pigeon's foot was a little bent and bloodied up, but they were able to remove the twine without futher injury. They then freed the bird, which promptly flew away.

It was so nice to see people actively grouping together to help an animal like that! Too often it seems people are inclined in such a situation to ignore the creature, or worse, to hurt it or compound its misery somehow. Very refreshing to see them all bonding together to help out and make the bird's situation better.

Yesterday morning, I tried to hit google several times, only to hit a server error page.

This was actually quite distressing for me. I hadn't realized that I was so dependent on google; apparently, as far as my internet habits are concerned, google is the backbone of the net. Without it, I am lost.

Where was google?

Why could I not search?

The mystery is solved:

July 27, 2004 -- (WEB HOST INDUSTRY REVIEW) -- In an event that severely hampered the performance of Google's search engine, the Google (google.com) Web site was hit by the MyDoom virus on Monday, seriously disrupting service for several hours. Users who attempted searches during the disruption received a server error page.

It also affected Lycos, Yahoo, and Alta Vista, although I didn't personally note those disruptions.

A german clothes manufacturer is soon to release a coat that contains a built in MP3 player controlled by buttons on the sleeve and a hands-free cellphone microphone tucked into the collar. Maybe it's just me, but that seems almost sad.

Crazy - it's no longer just in tech that we can get outsourced.

"Do not induce vomiting, as it will NOT prevent food poisoning. Bacteria and other microscopic organisms cause food poisoning. There is no way that vomiting will remove every bad organism in the stomach. Food poisoning can still occur even if vomiting was induced. Unfortunately, there is no way to prevent food poisoning once bad food has been eaten. That is why prevention is the key."

Apparently I just shouldn't eat bad food to begin with. Interesting.

Good thing the thai food this afternoon wasn't too bad. Mike made me really hungry with stories of amazing breakfasts. Then I remembered that I had some left-over thai food in the fridge at work! I don't remember how old, maybe a week or two - but I was hungry, and it was there!

The phad thai tasted a little funny (and possibly looked a little funny), so after a taste or two I tossed it all out. The curry and rice seemed okay, though, so I put them on a different plate and finished them off. Yum.

Now I've been reading about food poisoning, just in case. I don't know how long it would take to tell if what I did was a bad thing and I'm about to die, but I think if I'm okay now, well - I'm probably okay.

Adam says that the good news is I can easily travel to the third world without fear.

It's like I'm practicing, yeah? Building up a tollerance. Good for me! So brave. So fearless. So able-to-eat-questionable-things. I know you're jealous.

Bruce Springstein's I'm on Fire is awesome stuff. Gives me the shivers. Wish I could write music that speaks to people like that song speaks to me.

---

So I might start blogging more again sometime soon.

Granted, I did give away my main PC. It was a nice machine, but my baby sister is going off to college and she'll put it to much better use than I had been. Also, I must get rid of things if I am ever to travel the world.

Must... let... go of... material... posessions......

I also gave away the trusty Aptiva Pentium 233 that saw me through all of college. Found some non-profit that was interested in taking it off my hands. ShareTechnology.org is awesome -- it's a donation database that connects people with old computer equipment with recipients who can put it to use. Kudos to them.

I still have Shibani, my 486 laptop, though! Not sure anyone would want her even were I inclined to give her away.

Poor Shibani is mess at the moment, but plans are to outfit her again with a fresh installation of Win 3.11, and then perhaps I can hook her up through Chris's little network in our new place.

Alternatively, I also have permission to borrow his computer when he is out or is not using it.

Also, Company-Whatever-Acronym-I-Decided-To-Use-That-I've-Long-Since-Forgotten is outsourcing the work I have been doing to India sometime soon, and I'm not sure yet what I'll be doing after that. So I may have a bit of extra time on my hands for a while, as well.

Time will tell. I do miss the little blog, though. So does Steve. And even if you're the only one who reads it, Stevey-poo, I should be faithful and good to my admiring public. Yo.

Wouldn't it be awesome to live and work in Antarctica? It's on my list now.

Bobby Fischer - quite a crazy man.

Woah - they found Bobby Fischer.

I keep seeing cars with Minnesota plates everywhere. I think we're about to take over the state.

I will never be bored again.

Yesterday morning, I took Mary out to breakfast at the B&O. Yummy!

On the way home, we walked by Half Priced Books. Usually I walk right by, but they had a clearance shelf out on the sidewalk and I noticed a hard cover copy of A Thousand Acres out for sale, available for $1.00. A Thousand Acres! Only a dollar! That's it. That started the feeding frenzy.

I ended up walking off with 40-some books, most for a dollar or two, a select few priced at $3.00. I figure I'll never be bored again. Probably not until Christmas, anyway. Certainly not before the summer is up. And I won't make back everything I spent, but I can make back at least a portion of it by selling the books back when I finish with them. Heck, if I borrowed the same set of books from the library, I'd probably rack up the same price in library fines anyway.

Check out this photo:



The translation of the French portion reads:

Wash with warm water.
Use mild soap.
Dry flat.
Do not use bleach.
Do not dry in the dryer.
Do not iron.
We are sorry that our President is an idiot.
We did not vote for him.

The label is from a series of Tom Binh brand bags. Some blogger posted the picture above several months ago, which started a media frenzy. One of the articles is posted on the Tom Binh site. Cute, eh?

New findings from the Kath-Lab:

Remember Goo Gone? Turns out that peanut butter works just as well, and is far cheaper. And you can eat it, too!

I met several new people when I was down in Eugene the other weekend, Olga being one. Upon meeting her, she said something to the effect of, "Oh, you're Kathryn. Greg and I found your blog."

That was pretty crazy. I mean, I've had friends/coworkers/etc. find it, but this was the first time I've met anyone who know about the blog before meeting me. I guess it's not totally surprising; they'd been searching the net for info on Seattle tango people, and since I am addicted to tango and friends with a number of people within the community, it does come up. And, although we live in a big world, the world argentine tango community is actually pretty small.

Still, it was quite the experience.

I've had a thing lately for heading out to the beach in the middle of the night. I'm fascinated by the water in the moonlight.

Tuesday night, after the Practica, I managed to talk Patrick into taking a jaunt with me. We originally tried for Golden Gardens, but there were several police cars sitting in the parking lot so we drove on through. We ended up hanging out on dock at Greenlake, instead. Still very nice. The sky was clear and beautiful, the stars bright. The water lapped at the shore and the moon shone down upon us. A blue heron stood guard just across the water for white a while. It had been a while since we had spent any real time together, so we talked and caught up. Lying on the dock next to Patrick, chatting and watching the water and the sky, I dozed off a bit. It was very peaceful. He says that I'm a beautiful sleeper -- calm, content, reaching to hold onto the arm of whoever is near me and curling up against it. I'm just glad that he doesn't take it personally when I nod off during our late night conversations. Not long after that, I woke up and we went home for the night.

Friday night, after the blues dance, I dragged several folk out to Alki. Tegan, Cynthia, Krista, Miles, Jason, and Patrick. A nice crowd. Friday was much colder than Tuesday had been; the day had been gloomy and cold, and the night wasn't much better. We all curled up in a pile of blankets against a log nearby the water and talked. I was really happy. We were talking, laughing, joking around, and it felt so good giving myself up to laughter. Someone -- Tegan? Patrick? Cynthia? -- said that it was nice to see me smiling and laughing, that I look serious too much of the time these days. I think they might be right. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's that I hang around different people these days, and these people bring out a different side of me? Maybe it's that tango seems more serious to me somehow, so I become more serious. I'm not sure. Whatever the case, it was nice to be out with old friends and to be in such good spirits. The night was chilly but pleasant, the water was beautiful, and the company was enjoyable. After we left, we all met up at my place and everyone hung out for a while more. We chatted a bit and then popped in The Secret of Nimh. I don't think I could be that social all the time, but as a once-in-a-while sort of thing, it's very beautiful. The good feelings carried over into all the rest of the weekend.

Patrick and I are talking now of organizing a small camping trip out to the Olympic Penninsula oen of these days soon. I can't wait. I've rarely seen the ocean, and not by night; should be quite the experience.

I took tango workshops from Julio and Corina this weekend; very nice. Their performances on Saturday night were amazing. I felt almost on the verge of orgasm -- their intensity, their control, their movement, their musicality -- all exquisite. I could hardly breathe all the while that they danced.

Wayne and Kirill came up from Portland for the weekend. After the Saturday night Milonga they and Krista came back to my place, and we danced on the roof of my building well into the wee hours of the morning. It was warm and intimate; very nice. I will remember it fondly for quite some time.

An article in the NYTimes today quoted Wikipedia as a source. How awesome is that?

Have you ever felt that you're being sent a sign? I've seen two magnificent, wild herons in the last three days.



My life is diverging right now. Somehow this gives me the feeling that I'm headed in the right direction.

Here I am in Portland this last weekend:



And here I am at the same event, actually dancing:



I love tango. Someday I'm going to be super-awesome at tango.

If you don't know what I mean when I say "tango", check out the following videos:

• Chicho (Mariano Frumboli) & Victoria Vieyra
• Alex Krebs & Luciana Valle (Click here for larger version)
• Mayumi's video links (I particularly like "La Viruta")
• Jaimes Friedgen & Rachel Smith ("Milonga Triste" is my favorite of the two)

Pretty awesome, eh? That's how I'm going to dance, and sooner than you think.

Lately I've been doing funny things like cleaning and practicing my guitar. If you know me well, you know these are things I almost always mean to do but rarely ever actually get around to doing.

Not having internet anymore has a large part to do with it, I think.

I've traditionally not been good at being alone. I get down sometimes. Lonely. I'm scared of confronting myself, letting my thoughts run where they will. When I had internet, I think I used it as an escape whenever I found myself with down time. Rather than be alone with myself, I'd browse the web or play a game.

Cleaning, practicing music -- these things require the body, but they allow the mind to wander. I am coming to believe that part of the reason I put them off so often is that I could not deal with letting my mind freely wander in that way. I couldn't deal with my own emotion so I preferred activities that kept my mind occupied.

Now I am coming to love such activities. When I am at home I am drawn to them. I've grown a lot over the last year, I think, and deal better with myself now that I am finally giving myself a chance to try it out again. I'm happier and my thoughts are healthier. I actually prefer being alone sometimes.

You should see my apartment sometime, if you haven't lately. It's still a work in progress, but is becoming quite cozy.

Do you remember Jacob Wetterling? He was abducted from a small Minnesota town on October 22, 1989 at gunpoint, while riding his bike outside with his brother and a friend. He was 11 years old. He was only one month and 9 days older than me.

His abduction... it hit me somewhere deep inside, moreso than almost any other worldwide event that I can recall during my childhood. He was so close to me -- age, origins, geographical location, family characteristics. He could have been me. I could have been him.

Even now, 15 years later, I still think of him sometimes. What happened to him? Is he still alive? How could he never have been found?

I was compelled just now to look him up on the web. Hoped that someone had learned something in the last decade and a half, that his family had been granted some sort of closure. Not so. No one knows.

His family has since established JWF, a foundation intended to protect children from sexual exploitation and abduction, and they have become strong activists working for that cause. On the webpage for the foundation, there is a letter from his mother to the man who abducted him. I cried, reading it. She is a woman of strength and speaks from her heart.

I still don't understand how such horrible things can happen. I don't understand how people can recover from it. When the abduction occurred, I looked at it from the perspective of an 11 year old, from the perspective of a possible abductee or the friend of such. Now I am older. I look at it from the perspective of a parent, a neighbor. I don't know how I would handle it, were I the one left behind, how I would ever find peace within myself. I am amazed that people can be so resilient, can heal.

If Jacob is still out there, I hope that he is found someday. I hope that he has been alive and well and has made it through all these years. If he hasn't, I hope that knowledge finally comes to light about what did happen to him. I wish for his family to find some sort of closure, to finally know. Not knowing -- that is the worst part of it all.

So, as you've surely noticed if you ever were a regular here, I'm not posting so much these days. That whole no-more-internet-at-home thing gets in the way a bit.

I am still writing, more than ever. But most of it sits in journals now. Or on tape; I've also been playing around with vocalizing my thoughts.

I do plan to publish bits of these writings every now and again, but it will probably come in spurts. Like this one.

Today I drew a picture - rather, it drew me - and as I drew, I cried.

It's not that I was sad - I was actually quite happy, sitting in the sun on the Kirkland waterfront - it's just that that's what the picture required of me. I haven't been consumed by art like that in a long time.

This is my last post from my desktop in my apartment. I'm having my home phone and internet disconnected today.

Over the last few weeks I've been taking a close look at my life, trying to sort out necessities from conveniences. In an attempt to trim down and simplify I am letting go of some of the conveniences, and the phone/DSL is one of the first things to go.

That said, I won't be as responsive to email from here on out. If you need to get ahold of me, best try my cellphone.

My blog will also suffer a bit, I am sure. I will still be writing regularly, but I will likely post and publish my entries in spurts (even moreso than I have been doing lately).

I went out for Ethopian food with Rachel yesterday.

There are two sections to the restaurant. The busier section is up front by the doors. In the back, there is a darker more colorful room. On one side of this room is a bar, and on the other are two or three booths. We sat in one of the booths and we were the only people in the room. It felt small, cozy, intimate -- very removed from the rest of the world. Another world in itself.

We ordered food and got to talking. I've known Rachel for quite a while now, but we've not known each other very well. Yesterday, though, we seemed to really connect. She didn't have any agenda, no place she needed to be, nothing she would rather have been doing -- I'd forgotten how nice that can be, spending time with someone who is completely there with you, not half-focused on where they need to be or what they want to be doing next -- and I was happy to just be there, in the moment, as well. We talked for almost four hours. First more trivial things, and then we wandered in and out of wilder territory. It's the first conversation I've had in a while where I felt both I and my conversational partner were being completely honest and frank. It was refreshing. So often, there are so many things that get in the way of that: a preference for courtesy, fear of offending, fear of conflict, too many assumptions, lack of time, lack of desire... the list goes on and on.

Walking outside when we finally did leave was jarring -- exiting our cozy den, thrust back into the midst of light and traffic and people. Even now, though, there's a bit of a glow left over from the time spent with her. I felt so alive and happy.

Steve passed me on 520, on the way to work this morning. Such a small thing, yet it made me so happy.

Some of the Portland people make fun of me, saying that I always wear green. I don't wear it always, but I do wear it often.

The thing is, green is such a perfect color.

I drove through the Arboretum today on my way back from lunch. The sunlight shone down through the trees, highlighting leaves and grass and greenery. All shades of green, everywhere. Light green, dark green, olive green, forest green. Everything looked so alive, so fresh! And then through the trees the bit of sky that showed was the brightest shade of blue, setting all the green off all the more so. It was like a painting. I wanted to take it with me, to keep it close.

The best I can do, I guess, is to wear a bit of green now and again.

I didn't dance all weekend. Then I danced tonight, and now I have blisters on my feet.

Four days of not dancing -- that's all it took. What kind of wussy feet do I have? I wasn't wearing new shoes or anything. Same old shoes. Brand new blisters. Lucky me.

Lots going on in my life right now, but I don't know that I'm going to blog it all quite yet. If you haven't talked to me in the last week or two or I haven't yet updated you on all my latest plans and schemes -- if you are at all curious -- feel free to catch me and ask what's up. Or just sit back and hold tight. I'm sure it will all hit the blog eventually.

I don't feel like sleeping, quite. I think I'm going to stay up and clean for a while, and maybe make the sleep up with a nap after work tomorrow. My energy hasn't ebbed and flowed quite like this since college, but I like the way it's going. I feel like I could take on the whole world! For now, though, I guess I'll be content to just take on my living room.

Birds are so awesome!

I had not realized before that groups of passengers debarking planes from different locations look distinctly different.

The crowd of passengers heading up the escalator into the baggage claim, having disembarked a plane just in from Cancun, do not at all resemble the crowd of passengers just having disembarked a plane from Minneapolis, MN. The first group of people seems somehow... tropical. The second seems more pale, pasty, pallor.

A study of wild chimpanzees has provided evidence that girls have been faster learners than boys for six million years. Short attention spans and too much time spent swinging in trees are a bit of a handicap, it seems -- ha! Girl power.

I've been thinking recently about marriage.

I used to strongly believe that I would be married and starting a family by the time I was 25. Now I'm 26.

As men in my life go, there are generally three camps I can sort them into. Here is a diagram:



Yes, there is some overlap between "A" and "B". But note that there is not much.

Note also that this diagram does not imply any feeling on their part for me. Men in the overlap area (or in any area, for that matter) may have no interest in me whatsoever, although I suppose a lack of interest probably tends to push them out of the type "A" bucket.

And honestly, a lack of interest in me probably makes men a stronger candidate for bucket "B". Yes, I am drawn to men who are, for whatever reason, emotionally unavailable.

So what does this mean? Does it mean that marriage is not for me?

Does it mean that attraction and passion are not what I should seek out in a long term relationship, since it seems I am attracted mainly to men I am not really suited for? Should I instead be choosing my relationships based on other factors?

Or maybe I should just live and let live, go for whomever I am drawn to. Live in the moment, no regrets, no holding back. Be with whomever I wish to be with, and marry them if it ever comes to that.

It's not that "B" bucket boys are un-marriage-able; I'm just not sure it would last. We might have a torrid affair, an idyllic marriage at least for a time -- a hot and steamy honeymoon phase -- only to have everything ultimately come crumbling down. I'd be another divorce statistic or something. That would suck.

As an aside, I view love and passion as different beasts. I have love for men who do not inspire passion in me, and I am passionate about men I do not love. I am equally able to love "A" and "B" men.

Back to marriage --

I don't know if I can see myself married at all, at least not any time soon. It's strange to hear myself say that, a jolt that I'm starting to believe it. It deviates so much from the plan. Now there is no plan. I don't know where I'm going or how I'm going to get there.

Alex says he could see me married, but for it to work, it would be an unconventional marriage.

Why am I not passionately attracted to the "A" men in the first place? Is there some sensor in me that is malfunctioning?

Ironically enough, I think I am a "B" woman for many of the men who are attracted to me -- no promise of stability or solidity, a captivating siren nested in the rocks.

Sorry I haven't posted for a while.

Not much up with me and yet there's quite a bit going on, all at once.

I spent all of Easter afternoon out on the beach at Golden Gardens, dancing tango with friends. I saw my first sea anemones! Pretty awesome. Played in the water, made some groovin' sand sculptures, and had some lovely dances. Quite a nice time.

The last few days I've been back at work. I've had my lunches outside, enjoying the sun. Still hitting the Spanish classes, which are going well. Dancing lots of tango.

I went out swing dancing last night, for a change, to catch Kevin's last performance before he hits Europe. It was pretty sweet. Odd for me, though -- lindy has such different energy than tango. I felt like I'd stumbled into an alternate universe that I used to be a part of, but had since forgotten about. Superman returning to Krypton, or something.

My lindy connection felt off at first. This "all tango, all the time" thing I've got going on isn't helping my lindy connection any; go figure. I managed to sort it out by the end of the night so that it was feeling better, though.

My mood has been a little up and down recently. I think I'm affected by the moods of people around me more than I know. I started getting moody last week, and it turns out that a close acquaintance I see quite often separated from his wife around that time. His life has been going all crazy. I didn't know about it at the time, but I think in retrospect I picked up on his feelings and that's part of why I started feeling a little crazy up and down, myself. Interesting how that works.

Today has been good. Had lunch outside and read in the park for a little bit. I made daisy chains, on a whim; I hadn't done that in years. I'm still wearing them now. So nice to bring a little of the outdoors inside with me, given that I was stuck in my office during the better part of the day. Especially since work got crazy at the end of the day and I had to stay many more hours than planned.

I love daisies. The plump little sunshiny yellow centers surrounded by a soft white fringe, emitting a soft, fresh scent. I don't remember there being quite so many daisies back in Minnesota. Should I move away from Seattle, I will miss them.

If I find my camera any time soon, I think I'm going to make this more of a picture blog. Or at least make it the same old blog, but supplemented with pictures. Then I'll post pictures of the next flower ornaments I create. You will all be privileged to share in the flowery goodness. I am sure that you tremble with anticipation.

I just had a breakfast of strawberries, brie cheese, and stone ground wheat crackers up on the roof with Henri, taking in the sun. Louie hung out with us, as well. It was awesome. I love sunshine. I wish every day were as amazingly beautiful as today, although I guess I might not appreciate the days quite as much in that case.

Ha! I am posting this from my cellphone! How fucking awesome is that?!

Today is so beautiful it's unreal. Alex and I are at a used book store. Going to grab a copy of Vonnegut's "Cat's Cradle", head over to a park, and then we're going to sit out in

(CONTINUED FROM LAST POST. Apparently my phone imposes an input length restriction on text boxes.)

...the sun and I'll read out loud. Envy us.

More wisdom from Brian:

--Perhaps I am happy in part because of the depression? The one highlights
the other, sets it off. In contrast each is something more.

Some believe depression is a sign of change... and that all people go
through varying degrees of depression when their life changes. SOme more
severe than others. It's the sadness of part of your life leaving to make
room for a new part of your life. It's the part of you that is still
trying to hang on to the old ways...

So perhaps this depression is just a sign that there is change on the
horizon. Some old part of you is passing away to make room for the new,
happier, and more grounded Kathy? Perhaps it is a completely normal
process in your mind.

Man, he's like my own personal sage.

I'm such a contradiction.

So many moments lately I feel my life is a gift, that this day, right now, this moment is one of the best I've ever had.

I'm thankful for colors, for landscapes, for sunshiny weather, for close friends and family. I'm grateful that I have the ability to think, to reason, to appreciate everything around me. Thankful for dance, for movement, for a working body, for creativity and expression.

I am aware of my own mortality, and all the more appreciative of everything I have right now because of this awareness. The relationships I am a part of, the connections I make, the scenes before me, the landscapes, everything that comprises the fabric of my life -- all of it is transitory and will become something else with time. Dust in the wind. But for the time being, it is all something wonderful, magical, and I feel privileged and blessed. There is so much goodness, I feel my life is charmed.

At the same time, I had the following conversation today, and there is truth in it as well:

FeebleAntelope says: XXXX?
Kathryn says: Er...
Kathryn says: I've kind of been avoiding XXXX.
Kathryn says: and I don't think it would be good to start up with that agian right now.
FeebleAntelope says: oh man..... you silly little twit.....
FeebleAntelope says: ;) sexy twit.....
Kathryn says: i've been a bit of an antisocial freak lately.
Kathryn says: pushing everyone in my life awya
FeebleAntelope says: why pushing away? Antisocial? Things are getting bad?
FeebleAntelope says: I actually thought that you might have been using YYYY as a device to push me away.... I don't think such a thing is really *that* bad and it can be an effective method but I'm sorry.
FeebleAntelope says: :'(:$:S
FeebleAntelope says: (or more specifically, since I was already withdrawing, as a device to ensure I didn't drift back) But again...... silly guy here. Don't throw anything at me.
Kathryn says: i think i'm a little depressed
Kathryn says: i wasn't trying to push you away using YYYY
Kathryn says: i've been pushing everyone away
Kathryn says: i really like what i have with ZZZZ, but at the same time i'm depressed by it, because he pulls me in but keeps me at such a distance at the same time, and i'm not quite strong enough to say "i deserve more than this" and give it up.
Kathryn says: so i'm freaking out a little bit
Kathryn says: i'm doing things like sleeping late
Kathryn says: and cutting out from things
Kathryn says: and skipping all the lindy stuff
Kathryn says: and some tango stuff
Kathryn says: and not making time to see friends
Kathryn sends: "Donnie Darko - Mad World.mp3"
Kathryn says: strangely enough, was listening to this just now, and it's sort of how I feel
Kathryn says: I dunno.
Kathryn says: I am prone to clinical depression, and it's probably at least partially that (it's been a few years, but the signs are there that it's coming back), and i should probably see someone, but my insurance doesn't cover mental health and i don't feel like i can afford it

So I'm the happiest I've ever been and yet, at the same time, I am slipping into a bit of a funk.

How can that be?

And yet believe that both are true. I have no doubt of my happiness, but I feel twinges of depression as well.

Perhaps I am happy in part because of the depression? The one highlights the other, sets it off. In contrast each is something more.

I'm going to start painting again. Harness some of this emotion, all this feeling churning within me. I feel like my emotions are in technicolor right now, all I need is an outlet to harness them and there will be something beautiful. So much happiness, colored here and there with splashes of melancholy, nostalgia, madness.

I have a friend who owns a consignment shop. She occasionally displays artwork in the store and sells it, and has offered to put some of mine up if I would like. It's an interesting thought. If my paintings turn out to be anything, I might consider it.