I fell asleep tonight while talking to someone on the phone. That hasn't happened in ages. I'm such a dork - grrr. I hate when I do @#$% like that.

So there was this stuff at work that I was just banging my head against. It stressed me out to no end the last few days.

I finally went and talked to my boss about it, and Bing!, now everything is better. Strange how communication can help things. My instinct is always to avoid it if there are troubles; don't communicate the troubles, don't show weakness, just hide until you figure it out yourself and can triumphantly display your results.

Turns out he knew I was going to hit a brick wall, and had me doing it as an exercise - he wanted to let me make that discovery for myself so that I could really own the knowledge about what the situation is and what is needed. :P Now that I've completed the exercise, he's going to give me the extra things I need in order to get my stuff done.

Anyhow, work should start being less stressful again now.

Funny how I can dish out the advice, but when it comes to my own life, someone tells me basically the same thing I've told them in the past and it seems so novel.

Me>> [he's] the one with all the control right now.

Brian> Exactly right, you've given it to him. All of it. Right now I think you feel like so much of your life is in his hands and he's walking away from it. That isnt the case. Your life is yours. Your happiness is yours to decide. Regain some of that. It starts with you.

Brian missed his true calling; he shoulda been a shrink. He's a fount of endless good advice.

Mental note: My life is mine. My happiness is mine to decide. It starts with me.

Mmm hmm... yeah.

Love the One You're With

...

And there's a rose, in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies, with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love -
love the one you're with

Don't be angry, don't be sad
Don't sit cryin' over good times you had
There's a girl right next to you
and she's just waitin' for something to do

...

Alex says: maybe it's your subconscious telling you that you should start writing erotica. :D
Alex says: *duck*
Kat says: ha.
Kat says: I was thinking about that during "10 Things I hate About You" the other day.
Kat says: if that silly guidance counselor can write erotica when she is bored on the job
Kat says: why can't I?
Kat says: ;-)
Kat says: Was trying to develop my first plot line.

Harlequin, here I come.

I dreampt last night that I had sex with one of my dance instructors. One of my female dance instructors, to be more specific. I initiated. Seduced her, and she went with it.

I'm not quite sure what that means.

Good vs. Evil - who will win? Looks like someone went and wrote a "good" worm to combat the Blaster worm. Cute.

So how much crazier do you all think I am, now that you have access to this blog? I mean, these aren't exactly the writings of a woman at peace with herself.

KEXP 90.3 fm. Kick ass.

I had thought I was in the mood for dance music, but C89.5 failed me. The day I finally remember to bring headphones is the one day the player won't load.

Turns out I'm more in the mood for KEXP anyway - they're playing some kick ass tunes this morning. If you're into off-color non-mainstream music at all, you should check them out. I don't love all of their programming, but there are days that they're so on.

On suggestion from Brian:

Time to go to work,
work all night.
Gotta get underpants we.
We won't stop until
we have underpants.
Lots of yummy pants we.

Please note, though, Brian - this is a going to work song, not a going home from work song. My other song was better suited to last night.

The end of the work day seems just a little bit closer, having made after-work plans.

After work today, I am going to head down to the Kirkland waterfront with my aunt, my cousin, my friend Miles, and possibly my friend Steve to eat wraps and smoothies from World Wraps out in the sunshine. Jeremy, I will think of you while I am there.

Then the dance. Yay!

Then pour over several health insurance plans, that I might choose the least of many evils. Boo.

Then sleep. Sleep is always good. It will be better when I start in with the lucid dreaming, but I doubt that will happen tonight. Or any time soon, seeing as it hasn't happened yet over all the course of my twenty five years.

Just two more hours to go fighting these stupid deployments, and then I can leave. Two... more... hours...

We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in our mine the whole day through
To dig dig dig dig dig dig dig is what we really like to do
It ain't no trick to get rich quick
If you dig dig dig with a shovel or a pick
In a mine! In a mine! In a mine! In a mine!
Where a million diamonds shine!

We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig from early morn till night
We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig up everything in sight
We dig up diamonds by the score
A thousand rubies, sometimes more
But we don't know what we dig 'em for
We dig dig dig a-dig dig

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho

Chorus
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's home from work we go
(Whistle)

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

(Chorus)

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
(Whistle)

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho hum

(Chorus three times)

Heigh-ho (until fade)

I want to go home from work.

Ack - my blog template seems to be going crazy. I'll have to fix it, although I'm probably not going to have time for at least a couple days.

On another note, why do I check things over and over again when I never really expect to see what I'm looking for? Like waiting for someone to call, or doing a "Send and Receive" check on my email again and again, hoping to hear from someone who I'm almost positive is not going to contact me. Stupid, that's what that is. Or I am. Or something.

My grandmother wrote the following of one of my uncles in a letter that she sends out to all of her grandchildren:

". . .I had a bunch of "hyper-active" kids. Joseph was, perhaps, the most hyper. He was tentaitvely diagnosed with ADD (Attention Defecit Disorder when he was 3, but I refused to allow the tests to confirm it or to put him on medication. I always thought the medication made kids stupid. At the first "open school", Joseph was by far the most active child there, among a bunch of kids who tended to be over-active. Our first head-teacher did an experiment with him one day. He read two different new stories to a group of children. During the first, Joseph was near-by, running a toy truck back and forth and looking as though he was not paying any attention to the story. During the second story, Joseph was encouraged to sit quietly and just listen to the story. The next day, Joseph was asked about each of the stories. He was able to tell the whole of the first story with all its details. He couldn't remember much about the second. It was as though when he was asked to sit quietly, he used up all his energy being quiet and had none left over to listen with. I observed the same thing at home. . ."

Interesting that others in my family have found that, too. In college I found that I got a lot more out of my courses if I allowed myself to fidget just a bit. I'd bring an array of multi-colored pens and switch back and forth between colors to take my notes. Just the action of switching and the slight distraction of focusing on colors were enough to allow me to more fully absorb whatever the subject matter was.

We've been watching Waking Life on and off over the last few days. It has some pretty snazzy animation - the entire movie was shot first with a small, hand-held digital camera, and was edited and assembled that way. Then the animators used software to convert the digitally photographed movie into an animation that resembles the scenery and actors very closely. I thought the movment, the weight of objects, the way characters sat in repose was just amazing. I'd like to see more of this sort of animation.

That aside, the movie moves rather slowly and we kept falling asleep while watching. This time through Mar, Laur, and Louie have fallen asleep, but I've been awake writing letters and caught some bits of the movie I had missed up to now.

Lots of talk of dreaming, of lucid dreaming, of being able to control dreams.

I go through phases where I have nightmares all the time, every night, for months on end. Nightmares or not, my dreams tend to be fairly vivid. I've kept dream journals in the past, but even in retrospect I'm not often able to make much sense of my dreams. I used to try to get into lucid dreaming, just for some control. I'm feeling now like I might try it again, for curiousity's sake.

Have any of you ever done it sucessfully? How did you start?

Alex is DJing tomorrow night with Idaho Dave! Kick ass! Looking forward to dancing...

I just got done cutting Mary's hair. I played around with layering it a little bit; it turned out well, if I do say so myself. I could have been happy cutting people's hair for a living.

Who wants to sit in front of a computer screen messing with bits all day? How did I ever get started down this path, anyhow? Bah.

I just proofed the letter that Mary is going to send to Jeremy's family so that she could start transcribing it onto the card we picked up yesterday. It's a beautiful letter -- in it, she shares some of the better memories she has of him with his family, and her love for him shows through in everything she writes -- but it's so sad. It left me in tears again.

Don't any of you die.

Don't, not any time soon. I hate endings. I hate regret. I don't want to lose any of you before I've said everything I ever mean to say to you.

The other day, we bought postcards, notecards, stationary. I went overboard, and I think it's partially because of all of this that has been going on. I don't want to take anybody forgranted. I want to let everyone that I care about in any way know that I care about them, while I have a chance to do so. I let too many people slide too far away from me. Never talk to them, never call, never write... it doesn't mean I don't care, or that I don't feel love anymore, because I do.

Why do I do that? Why do I get so caught up in stupid little things that I forget to reach out to the people who have touched me over the years? In the grand scheme of things, there are so many things I worry about that ultimately aren't going to matter, and so many things that will matter greatly to me at some point down the road that, still, I let slide over and over again. I don't know how to keep my priorities straight. What will I regret someday? What haven't I done, who haven't I spoken to, who haven't I made amends with that I might never have a chance to again?

I walked around my room
Not thinking,
just sinking in this box
Blamed myself for being too much like somebody else
I never thought I would just bend this way

And a phone call made me realize
that I'm wrong
If I don't make it known
that I've loved you all along
Just like the sunny days
that we ignore because we're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

- Excerpt from "4am" by Our Lady Peace

Mary, Laurie, packing...

Sucks.

Why does everything always have to end?

Mar and Laur and I just finished watching The Pianist. Actually, I just finished watching it - they're both asleep.

Good film, perhaps even a great film, but man, what a downer. And now I'm awake, and a bit depressed now, and they're sleeping. Awake with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. I suppose I should get used to it - I'll be living alone soon enough.

Open the window,
let the sunset in
If only for the last time
let me see you smile again

I'll take my records
You can have your books
I'm sorry I never read them
but it says so much about us

Always trying
to make love out of care
The perfect recipe
but something wasn't there

And I wish you Sunrays and Saturdays,
perfect starry nights
Sweet dreams and moonbeams
and a love that's warm and bright
Sunrays, and Saturdays
friendship strong and true
Oceans of blue
and a room with a view
to live the life you choose

You'll write me letters -
I'll call you on the phone
A wire away from touching
and never quite alone

We'll get to know ourselves again
and we'll heal our hearts
It's not that we're bad together;
we're just better off apart

Always trying
to have one and one make two
And even though it never worked
I still feel love for you

- Vertical Horizon, "Sunrays and Saturdays"

If you haven't already, you should check out the Google Toolbar v 2.0. I've been using it a few weeks now, and I love it. It rocks! Especially the pop-up window blocking functionality.

One more.

Give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home

I will stay forever here with you, my love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on

Some say I'm crazy for my love, oh my love
But no bonds can hold me from your side, oh my love
They don't know you can't leave me
They don't hear you singing to me

I will stay forever here with you, my love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on

And I can't love you, anymore than I do

- Evanescence, "Even In Death"

It's maybe not quite right, but I read it and I thought of you, Mar.

I've been holding back words
And waiting for time
There's a lesson here somewhere
I know it's mine
And though I'll remember the promise we made
Promises don't justify feeling this way, anymore

It's time for letting go
We can't hide what we both know
But ooh, the hurtin' grows
Every time I think it's over

- excerpt from Billy Ray Cyrus's "Time for Letting Go"

---

It's time to leave work and go see my Mary and my Laurie.

They leave me this weekend. I don't know what I'm going to do without them -- my life will be so empty all of a sudden. I'll miss them so much. :(

Selfishly, I'm a little scared about how I'll handle being alone.

Be froogle with google - find products for sale all across the web.

Cute. Froogle. Ha.

Got an email from my boss's boss just now. He cc:'d my boss here at Company_B and one of the leads at my contracting company, Company_A. The text of the email? "Great job Kathryn!"

Gotta love that. If I can't control anything else in my life, if I can't deal with relationships or comfort my family or take decent care of my pets or do anything else that really matters, at least I can make 'em love me at work.

I just got done reading all the entries Mary posted in her blog early this morning about Jeremy. They break my heart. I can't stop crying.

I need to pull myself together here pretty quick so I can do some work, get the day over with, and get home. That seems like such a daunting, momentuous task right now.

...

[i have so many feelings, but no more words]

:-/

I'm lucky to have Alex in my life. He brought Mary home before the rest of us came home, so that she could have a little bit of privacy and space to read Jeremy's obituary and such.

When the rest of us got home we found him holding her, just being there for her. I didn't know, still don't know how to be there for her, but it helps so much that he's trying to be there for her too.

She asked for juice, so he took her to the store to get some. While they were there he and she got ice cream to bring back, as well, and they also got stuffed animals for all the people here who have been having a tough night -- a stuffed cat for me, a bear for Laurie, a fluffier stuffed cat for Jonathon, and a tiny, pocket sized, terribly soft and snuggly stuffed cat for Mary.

All the folk here still seem rather sad and mellow -- everything feels surreal. But it's at least a sane mellow, a "we'll get through this" sort of sadness, and Alex is largely to thank for that.

Thank you for Alex. I am afraid that I take him forgranted more than I should, but when I stop to think about it I feel blessed to have him around.

The world is going crazy. I feel powerless and out of control.

• My bird, one of my favorite birds, died last week.



• I've realized lately that I push away the people I love, and I have come to really regret some of the decisions I have made over the past year. They're not the sort of decisions I can undo.



• The boy my younger sister Mary believes to have been her only love so far just died in a car accident. She's been freaking out all night. I want to be there for her, but I don't know how and she pushes me away. Nobody close to me has ever died before; I don't know how to deal with it. I've been freaking out.
  
  I have this picture burned into my memory of she and he, sitting on my parents' couch, holding hands. Having just read the obituary and an article in the home paper about the accident, I feel sad and sort of numb.



• Another one of Mary's friends had a serious panic attack tonight at the dance, and they had to call a medic van for him. We've got him over at my place now because I didn't think he should go home alone to an empty dorm room quite yet.



• Laurie just said goodbye to a boy she's become quite involved with. She's really sad and I don't know how to be there for her, either.



• Things with Mike are fucked up. I really wanted to fix them and make everything better, but I am powerless to. It takes two people, both of whom want to make a difference, to mend a relationship -- and, well, he's not in a place right now where he's interested in contributing anything to that end.



• I never realized what an asshole Mike could be until tonight. I needed him and he failed me.
  
  All of this going on so I pulled him aside for a moment -- I wanted to let him know both to be conscious of the fact that Mary was having a hard time, since he is a friend to her, and I wanted to get a little bit of support from him because I was feeling massively overwhelmed. He glared at me the whole time as if I had committed a cardinal sin. I'm not sure why he was so pissed that I took him away from the dance for that short while, but it made what was already an overwhelmingly stressful night all that much worse. Then, to top it off, he didn't speak to me or aknowledge me for the rest of the night, except to glare at me on the way out.
  
  On the bright side, if it is a bright side, he's making it easier for me to get over him.

The other day, a good friend asked me what I thought love was. I wasn't able to give a very good answer. But this morning, I was browsing Jon's live journal, and came across his most recent post where he answers that very same question. His answer runs pretty close to mine, and is more eloquent than I could ever be.

For those of you too lazy to click over, here's his post:

A rare morsel of depth

Over the past year, I've learned something that I consider to be the most valuable lesson I've ever learned.

Those of you who have known me long enough to have heard my grandiose and impromptu theories of life have seen the importance that I place on Balance: Everything in moderation, even moderation itself... There are no golden rules... Everything depends, and is open to discussion... The Way means striking that balance, or letting it strike itself. Obviously, these guidelines go out the window when I go off on tirades and I'm as guilty as anyone of going to extremes, but generally they apply. It's the core of how I work, and what I do with my kids.

In the last year, though, something seeped through. Something I couldn't ignore came up. It's the concept of "unconditional."

At a certain point, your love can run so deep that it no longer depends on anything. It just is... in a way that's completely unconditional and unquestionable. It means that no matter what that person does or says, your love remains unbreakable. It means you no longer think about if you'll make it through, or if you'll be able to forgive... just how. It doesn't mean you're stupid, or in constant denial, or blind to the things that hurt you, or even that you'll spend the rest of your life with that person next to you. It just means that there are things that you don't have to question.

Yes, I love you. Yes, I forgive you. No, I will not be disappointed.

There are three people in this world for whom I feel this. One will probably read this, one I'm not sure if they still check, and one will probably never lay eyes on this text. One of them once told me, "yeah, but you're only human." My answer: "I'd argue there isn't anything in this world more human than this."

...I have feelings I want to express in response to his post, or in addition to his post, but I can't put words to them. I'll try again later, perhaps.

Anyhow, go, Jon. You've always been so much better with words and language than I ever could be.

I just took my dog out. On my way back in, I met one of my neighbors, Yang, from across the hallway. He asked me if I "smoke smoke", and invited me to smoke a bowl with him. I declined. He asked again. I declined again. Then he bid me goodnight and went on his way, back to smoke up some more, I guess. At least he is friendly.

So whenever I next find myself with some free time, I can attempt to use cellophane to convert my laptop screen into a three-dimensional display. "A distinct advantage of our technique is its simplicity; a laptop screen can be converted into a 3D display with minimal knowledge of optics. An additional advantage of our technique is that we can eliminate the need for the observer to wear special glasses by making the computer wear the glasses instead." Kick ass! Crazy fun times ahead for me.

I used to have a parakeet named Chloe that talked. His first words, when another bird of mine landed on my head (strictly against the rules, since they are not potty trained) were, "Don't DO that!" It's a phrase that I consistently used whenever any of my birds would do something I disapproved of. Chloe matched my intonation perfectly, and took to screeching that whenever he noticed any infractions on the part of his peers.

I guess I use that phrase with people, too. I did something vaguely idiotic the other night during a conversation with Mike, and he responded with, "Don't DO that!" He was mimicking me - apparently I've used that phrase on him when he's done similar idiotic things in past conversations. Same intonation. He never met Chloe, so he didn't know. I had never realized I used the phrase so regularly.

Anyhow, it struck me as funny at the time.

Mary - just so you know - I do need you, and you are one of my best friends. Because you are around, I am a much happier person than I would be otherwise.

Jeremy wrote in a comment to my last post:

Your feelings are natural, Kat; I think everyone wants to feel like he/she can trust the person he/she is in a relationship with.

Of course, one can explicitly test that faith to see if it's there. OTOH, I would argue that numerous events in life regularly put relationships to the test. Oftentimes, if someone is still with you after a significant period of time then they have passed some tests along the way. And they have almost certainly passed tests that you have not seen.

So, my point is this: there's no need for you to test those who are in a relationship with you - life's happenings will offer up all the tests you and your sig other could ever need.

I know that there's no need. Part of the problem is that I don't even realize I'm doing it when I do it, I don't think.

Any of you who are or have been close to me can probably pick out specific instances in the past where I have pushed lines with you - explicitly done something I knew you didn't like or were uncomfortable with, even though I knew you felt that way.

When it's happening I tend to think, "I'm just being who I am. This is who I have always been. Why can't you accept that and deal with it?" I probably put it off that way to you. Rationalizing, fighting for my right to be me and do things "my way". And if you stand up for yourself, I fight all the harder and push all the more.

The odd thing is that whatever the line is, whatever I'm doing - it's not necessarily the way I always do, have done, or will do things. I do sometimes have relationships where I call the other person every day and place a high priority on being consistent and timely with communication. I don't always have relationships where I'm extremely affectionate with people outside the relationship. I don't always push to get rid of "defining terms" like "dating exclusively". But at the time, whatever issue it is I'm fighting about, I feel like it is a defining part of who I am, something I need to be able to do to "be myself", and I fight for that tooth and nail. Push as hard as I can.

It's only in retrospect that I see patterns, and come to think that maybe I was testing you to see if you'd stick with me, no matter how bad it got. And then I feel justified when you don't.

I'm not sure how to get out of that pattern, since I don't seem to recognize what's going on when it's relevant.

Do you ever worry that you "test" people, maybe without even really meaning to?

I'm afraid that I do. I put them in difficult situations, situations they're really, really unhappy with, and expect them to wait it out to prove that they love me. And then when they don't, when they give up and walk away - somehow I blame them. They didn't love me enough. I didn't mean enough to them. It's like I expect everyone to walk away, to stop loving me - and if they don't do so initially, I'll change and tweak the situation until it's so bad that they do. I don't ever want them to, and I'm so sad and broken hearted when it actually happens, but somewhere deep down I am responsible for making it happen. It's what I expect, a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There's never going to be a love so deep that someone will put up with any shit you throw at them. There's always a line where the shit just gets too deep. And hey, even if it's a deep, deep line, and a very loving person, I'll manage to find that line and cross it somehow. And then I'll tell myself it wasn't me, and I'll believe it was because they never really loved me anyway.

Pretty fucked up, hey?

I was up at 5:30 this morning. That hasn't happened in a while. I coulda watched the sun rise, if it weren't so goddamned gloomy in Seattle that there was one.

At times like this, continuing with one's life seems impossible, and eating the entire contents of one's fridge... seems inevitable. I have two choices - to give up and accept permanent state of spinsterhood and eventual eating by dogs... or not. And this time, I choose not. I will not be defeated by a bad man and an American stick insect. Instead, I choose vodka, and Chaka Khan.

- Bridget Jones, in Bridget Jones's Diary

Have you ever seen that movie? I feel more and more as if I'm doomed to be Daniel Cleaver someday -- getting older, can't make it with anybody. Flings here and there, but in the long run, all on my own.

Daniel Cleaver: If I can't make it with you, I can't make it with anyone.
Bridget Jones: Um... That's not a good enough offer for me. I'm not willing to gamble my whole life on someone who's... well, not quite sure. It's like you said. I'm still looking for something more extraordinary than that.

That will be me. And Bridget, there, will be the essence of everybody I ever date. Looking for something more extraordinary than what they might find with me.

But for now, I guess, at least there is vodka, and Chaka Khan.

Sad fact for the day:

Putting mayonaise and mustard on your sandwich 4 hours before you are going to eat it makes it very soggy. EVEN IF you toasted your bread. In that case, you end up with soggy toast.

Yum.

(Not really.)

It appears that Haloscan, the commenting system that I'm using, is experiencing some problems right now. No more comments until they get whatever is going on with their servers figured out. How very sad.

Howard Dean is coming to Seattle on August 24th. I'm excited.

For any of you in MN, if you are interested, he is going to Milwaukee on August 23rd. That's not so far away.

Do you ever have times where you wish you could change the way someone else is acting? Write it all down, scratch everything out, write a new draft that moves in a new direction, and boom! - they're following the new script. Sometimes it makes me sad that I can't do that, that I really don't have much control over other people's decisions and actions. Especially when those decisions and actions concern me.

I've been having that shortness-of-breath problem again this morning. I really need to not get stressed so much. Anxiety is not good for me, I don't think.

In other news, I've been later to work than I would like for two mornings in a row, but I think I've finally caught up on my sleep from this past weekend. Yay, sleep.

I've been kind of snappy at my Mr_X0 today. On the one hand, I feel bad about it. I still want everyone to like me. I hate being mean.

On the other hand, he's routinely asking things of me that are unreasonable, that he should be doing as a part of his own job. I have my own job to do; I shouldn't be doing his, too. Once in a while is okay. All the time is not. Yeah, my job is easier. I'm a slacker, I've got more of a slacker job. Who wants to write code when you can just sit around and rip someone else's apart? Didn't you ever wait until your little brother finished building a huge, amazing block tower, only to run up screaming and kick it down? Much easier than building it up, and so much satisfaction in that one short moment. Anyway, I bet you anything he gets paid more, so he should do his part and let me do mine.

This weekend was rough - really up and down. I ended up breaking into tears on Chris's shoulder twice on Sunday. There's no one thing that's wrong. Just... everything. Lots of little things. It all adds up.

Still feeling a little manic, although that's toned with numbness today, as well. Having trouble working.

You may not know my brother. Heck, I don't bother right now with page counts or address tracking, so I'm not even sure you know me.

Anyhow, a few details about him:

My baby brother's full name is Leroy August Krueger. On August 30, 2003, he will turn 23. It looks like he will be celebrating his birthday in Iraq - he'll have been there, then, for over 6 months. The latest news from Washington makes it look as if he'll be there for at least a year.

Have you ever sent a card or a note to a complete stranger, or maybe someone you know just a little? Now's a great opportunity! If you're interested in being a part of some good will, consider sending my brother a card or a note wishing him a happy birthday, and perhaps wishing him a speedy return home.

Correspondence can be sent to:

SPC Krueger, Leroy A
353rd Transportation Company, 2nd PLT
Apo AE 09366

Mail delivery seems to take between 2 weeks and a month, so if you send one now, it would get there about the right time!

Outside of that, if you're interested in seeing what life is like in sandy Iraq, one of the men in his unit has been periodically uploading pictures to http://www.crazyed.net.

Thank you to all of you who sent supportive emails. They really meant a lot to me.

Thank you also to those of you that have given me support off-line. I don't know what I would do without you. You help keep me sane.

---

On another note, work has been crazy today. There's still a bunch of stuff I want to get done within the next hour, so I'm going to get back to it.

Several years ago, one of my birds got loose in Minneapolis. I freaked out - posted signs offering a reward on almost every streetpole within several miles radius of where I lived, posted an ad in the paper, called around to all the local animal control and human society offices...

I cried myself to sleep every night. I didn't know if I would ever see her again, and actually went through a period of mourning her.

For all that, I actually got her back. Two weeks after she first got loose, I got a call from some man whose co-worker had seen my ad in the newspaper. He had found her shortly after she got out, wandering around a parking lot, and had taken her home meaning to keep her. The reward was enough to change his mind.

That bird was Cricket.

She was an amazing bird. She mothered about half the chicks I raised, back when I was still raising chicks. She's the only female bird I've ever had that sang, although she only sang when she wasn't around other birds. Females don't sing - it's just not done - and the few times she forgot that she was ostracized by the rest of the flock. Eventually she gave it up and learned to fit in. She would still sing just for me on rare occasions - alone with me on a car ride, perhaps - but that was it. Her song was much more muted than the male songs. Quiet, lilting melodies. Very sweet to listen to.

When she was a baby, Cricket was the sweetest, most trusting, affectionate bird. For a year or so after her big adventure in Minneapolis, she was a bit more jumpy. Wouldn't you be, if you'd gotten loose, been chased by crows, been put into a small cage in a strange man's house, and then finally returned home? This last year or two, however, she started mellowing out again. Utterly trusting, sweet, affectionate. Just wanted to be sociable, to be held, to have her neck scratched.

I miss her a lot already. I'm going to miss her.

Still sad, angry at myself, guilty, upset. Stuck at work, and don't really know what to do with myself or how to cope right now.

I can't stop crying.

I'm really angry at myself. I noticed, maybe two weeks ago, that Cricket wasn't feeling well. I made a mental note to pull her out, give her some extra attention, check up on her a little more often. And then with all the hubbub of starting a new job, I completely forgot about it.

And now she's dead.

I could have maybe done something about it - quarantined her, made sure she had extra food/water/warmpth - gotten her to a vet - but it all just slipped my mind. I'm so stupid.

And I'm at work, and can't even really deal with it. And I love the people at my house, but they don't sound like they're dealing with it very well. Mike and I were bickering a little on IM, but he cut it short and offered to run over to my place and take care of things once I told him what was going on. He's going to go at least get her out of the cage and take care of little details like that so that she isn't just sitting there decomposing.

I'm lucky that he's willing to do things like that. When we're not arguing, he can be incredibly good to me, and so helpful. Thank you, Mike, for helping out in a difficult pinch.

@#$%

I feel sad, angry, guilty. So angry at myself. I don't deserve to have pets.

One of my favorite birds died. I'm not even home to do anything about it, or to be able to mourn properly.

Poor, poor Cricket.

:(

I hate days like this.

I lost my hair-stylist again. Every so often I go through a 6-12 month period where I don't get my hair cut, for whatever reason. Add to this that my prefered stylist kept switching salons for a while, and now he's left the last salon I knew him to be at.

I don't trust many people to cut my hair. Too many bad haircuts over time have left me guarded and suspicious.

So what? I just don't cut my hair anymore? I could let it grow forever - eventually it would become a tangled, nasty mess of split ends and thus would self-regulate its own length. That sounds like a great idea. Trust someone new to go for the cut I'm looking for and hope they get it right? It's easier to cut off than it is to grow back.

Bah.

Damnit - I forgot the headphones.

SCO Sets Price For Linux Licenses: Linux users can buy protection against a lawsuit for $699 until Oct. 15; then the price jumps. Jerks.

To be read in a sing-song voice:

Ma-ry has a boy-friend. . .

That's what I hear from the peanut gallery at home, anyway. :)

Chris is walking my dog for me this morning, since I didn't have time to before I left for work. I love Chris. He rules.

Waiting, waiting, waiting... I hate waiting and being dependant on other people for being able to get my shit done.

I haven't been blogging too much today. That's because I was actually doing work. Strange, eh?

Well, I guess I did waste a little time reading news this morning. Read about The Episcopalian Vote on whether or not to ordain Gene Robinson (who is gay) being delayed due to last-minute allegations of inappropriate conduct, read more about Howard Dean, read some about John Kerry, read a bit about his crazy wife, signed Kerry's petition opposing a plan Bush administration is pushing through that would make it such that anyone making more than $22,100 a year could be denied overtime if they are classified as professional, administrative or executive employees, possibly affecting as many as eight million Americans, including fire fighters, police officers, paramedics, nurses, and store supervisors, and browsed around the Democratic National Committee website for a while.

And then I got back to work.

Several of you have hounded me for some time to implement a commenting system. You had great things to add, one said. I need comments so you can post your caustic wit, said another.

Be warned, I fully expect you to live up to those expectations now that I've provided you with a means. :)

Comments!

The crowd has spoken. You can now comment merrily away.

Here's to HaloScan for making a quick, easy, and painless commenting system, and here's to Brian for pointing me to it.

Go to CBS New's page of On Demand Video and click on "IBM's Day In Court":

That's my mother.

And in the background, my father. And the kitchen, living room, and garden of the house I grew up in.

Very strange seeing that all on a national broadcast.

I'm glad for my mother, though. Things have been going well on the cash-pensions front.

Artistic Robots Augment Human Art

. . ."Since 9/11 happened it's been a daily struggle for me to not hate people in the Middle East," said Nancy Havel, an ArtBots visitor who lost a brother in the World Trade Center attacks. "I didn't want to draw with the robots, I was afraid of what my art would say about what I've been thinking. But the robot translated my confusion into spirals that reminded me things always change."

"Looking at the art created by people in the UAE and New York helped me remember that underneath it all we're all human beings and mostly decent," said Katherine O'Connell, who was in Tower 2 when the hijacked planes hit the World Trade Center. "How weird that it would take a silly little robot to remind me of something that big.". . .

It sounds sorta crazy, but cool.

FBI targets Net phoning

. . . According to the proposal that the FCC is considering, any company offering cable modem or DSL service to residences or businesses would be required to comply with a thicket of federal regulations that would establish a central hub for police surveillance of their customers. The proposal has alarmed civil libertarians who fear that it might jeopardize privacy and warn that the existence of such hubs could facilitate broad surveillance of other Internet communications such as e-mail, Web browsing and instant messaging. . . .

Ack! Not cool.

I like Howard Dean more and more, the more I read about him.

Nettika: What do you think of Howard Dean?
Icktharus: who's that?
Icktharus: oh, the pres candidate.
Icktharus: (context switch... i was trying to think of a dancer named howard dean...)
Icktharus: er... i haven't followed the democratic primary races really.
Icktharus: i tend to like candidates that are more left-leaning than centrist, though. on the other hand, i'd be willing to compromise to get bush out of office.
Icktharus: i think that i liked dean's opposition of the war.
Nettika: i like his thoughts on technology too
Nettika: he was featured on lawrence lessig's blog for a week a little while back
Icktharus: i don't know what his thoughts on technology are.
Nettika: he thinks fast internet access should be avialable and affordable everywhere in the states, to everyone
Icktharus: he has a proven track on health care, too, which i like.
Nettika: http://www.lessig.org/
Icktharus: cool! :) equal opportunity internet access!
Nettika: :)
Icktharus: i agree... the internet should really be treated like a utility like the water and sewage is, and not something only rich kids have.

Being a contractor can be pretty sweet. If this job were full time, it would suck - high priority bugs would come up and we'd just have to deal with them.

But my company bills for my time by the hour. And the small group I'm in has a limited budget -- they can cover 40 hour weeks for the next year, but not much more than that. So my manager tries very hard to balance "high priority" against "balancing the budget", and the budget usually wins out. I get to work a 40 hour week, generally normal business hours, regardless of what heat is coming down from on high. And if the heat did get too hot and they did have to pull me in for extra time (unlikely, but could happen), I would get paid overtime. Kick ass!

(Yes, a high priority bug came in just this afternoon. Yes, I am leaving work now regardless, and I am just going to deal with it in the morning. Yes, everyone all worked up over the bug is just going to have to deal until then.)

I'm off for the day!

Got to do my first bout of real work today. There was a bug in a product I hadn't yet used or looked at - got to install, figure out the product, find the bug, look at the dev's fix, point out how it wasn't fixed, give it back to him, repeat - fun, fun, fun.

And now I'm waiting for another fix for the same bug. Just waiting.

Also waiting for lab staff to finish wiping my servers so I can actually start using them. Just waiting.

Waiting sucks. It's boring as ass.

I'm hungry.

I want to go eat.

Why am I here?

Where is my sugar daddy?

Why do I need to make money for myself?

Bah.

Along similar lines, Illegal Art, a museum exhibit. "Copyright holders have threatened and sued many of the show's artists for sampling, remixing, and recontextualizing other people's artistic creations without permission. Featuring audio and visual exhibits, a full length CD, and several films, the show highlights how copyright, typically considered an engine of creativity, can stifle art and free speech."

I read today, for the first time, about the Eric Eldred Act. Good stuff. The site "serves as the focal point for information about the campaign to restore balance to copyright laws by expanding the public domain. Founded as part of Eldred v. Ashcroft, the legal action to overturn the Copyright Term Extension Act (Phase I), it now houses all the documents from that case, as well as new and up-to-date information about advocacy efforts to reclaim the public domain through legislation."

It also links to a petition to reclaim the Public Domain.

Here's to the Public Domain.

You never realize how much you'll miss something until you don't have it...

Today is the third day of my job.

My manager on the Company_A end has yet to procure badges or net-ids for myself and my Dev counterpart.

There are work arounds - we're "borrowing" net-ids, and we call up every morning when we get to work for him to come down and sign us in - but man, this sucks. There's work to be done, and it's hard to do it without any real access anywhere.

It's getting easier and easier to get up in the mornings.

Unfortunately, this comes at a price; I'm a bear at night when I'm getting tired. I feel sorry for the poor folk who have to put up with me then.

I'm at work, by the way, if you hadn't guessed that already from the time stamps on these posts. Went through some paperwork, installed software on my machine, read through all the materials I got from HR, and now I'm waiting for someone to bring me over to Company_B (the company I'm contracting at) and introduce me around there. Waiting sucks. I want to be doing things.

I get to bring my own box (read: a box that Company_A (the company who is contracting me out) is sending with me, not one from my home) with me to Company_B. This is apparently a new condition on the contract that Company_A hasn't seen before. They gave me a pretty nice box to take along with me - not top of the line, but better than 3 of the 4 boxes I had at Company_B when I was last there. And it's mine, all mine, all mine.

I have the sweetest sisters ever.

I'm talking right now about Mary and Laurie. This isn't to say that Sue isn't sweet -- she's awesome, too. But she's not a key player in this story. One more quick tangent; Laurie isn't technically related to me, but she might as well be. She's family in every sense of the word outside of "sharing the same bloodline". Heck, she was in our family photos this last Christmas.

Anyhow, I took a shower this morning and got out to find that Mar and Laur had gotten up early to make me waffles.

Waffles!

I've been craving waffles for a long time. It's been my intention to buy myself a waffle-maker eventually, but it just hasn't been in the budget up until now. Mary and Laurie knew this, bought me one as a thank you present for letting them stay with me this summer, got up early on my first morning of work (those of you who know them know that this would not have been easy for them -- neither of them are "morning people"), and secretly made me waffles while I showered.

So sweet. I'm very lucky to have them around.

Bob Hope passed away Sunday evening. Bummer.

I hadn't realized he spent so much time and energy on entertaining American servicemen. "From 1941 to 1948 he performed nearly all his 400 radio programs at military bases. And at an age when most performers curtail their activities, Mr. Hope continued to make his annual tours during the war in Vietnam, playing to the sons of the servicemen he entertained during World War II and the Korean War." That's really cool.

Here's a bit of interesting reading: How Not to Get Sued by the RIAA for File Sharing (and other Ideas to Avoid Being Treated Like a Criminal).

Nervous that you might be next on the RIAA's hit list? Check out The Electronic Frontier Foundation's Subpoena Query Page to see if your username is listed on one of the subpoenas filed with the D.C. District Court.

@#%$ RIAA.

I have a job! Starting Monday...

I've had a pleasant time bumming around, but it couldn't last forever. Goodbye, lazy mornings.

Job interview tomorrow morning - joy.

Brian is posting again! Kick ass!

Just so y'all know, sometimes Mike does do things that make me very happy. Last night was especially good. He was sweet, thoughtful, helpful, playful, fun to be around, danced with me lots, and behaved himself beautifully around everyone else; no jealousy, no fights, no anger. Nights like last night are why I keep dating him, even through the bad.

I keep meaning to post more, but keep getting distracted. Updates on the move, updates on my life, whatnot.

Things are not going especially well with Mike. He's so often angry. I feel like I spend so much of my energy just trying to placate him, to keep him from getting angry or to try and soothe things once he gives in to it. It makes me tired and sad.

No job yet.

This place is starting to feel like home. I love having Mary and Laurie around, but man, it feels crowded sometimes. Especially from 6:00 am until about noon, when they're still sleeping and I want to be doing stuff around the apartment, unpacking, moving in, cleaning, but feel bad waking them up.

Here is how my move went:

• Three days before the end of the month, my old apartment complex decided to re-do all the parking lots. For several days, I couldn't park anywhere near my building. That made moving stuff out to the car a joy.


• We left Mike's parents' truck parked overnight, and the apartment complex towed it because it was in a portion of the lot apparently scheduled for re-doing the next day.


• Due to a mis-communication, I lost one of my birds. I had asked Mike to close a screen door, but he didn't realize that I meant right that moment, and as I was moving some cages around that I'd cleaned, one of my non-tame parakeets got out and bolted right for the open door. I left several caged birds on the balcony all day long, hoping that the one that got out would hear his friends and come back for a visit, but there was no sign of him. Because he is not at all tame, it is not likely that he will go to any humans anywhere, so the likelyhood of ever finding him or getting him back is slim to none. I hope he does okay out there.


• 520 was closed all weekend. Traffic on I90 was nuts.


• Mike and his parents were fighting to no end. Often they had long fights just before he was going to run a load, so he'd be much later than I expected. I worried.


• Mikes' parents' truck broke in the middle of one of the runs, at approximately 11:45 pm the night before I had to be out of the old place. There was still plenty of furniture that hadn't yet been moved - several desks, several chairs, and several shelves. If I still had my old station wagon I could have managed, but this stuff just wouldn't fit in my Taurus sedan.


• The Redmond U-Haul didn't have any trucks available until the day after I had to be done. Figures; it was end of the month.


• We did finally get the one last load that mattered on and over on Mike's father's truck, but not before he had hell to pay with his family.


• Someone knocked over a container of bleach during one of the loading sessions, and there's now a bleach spot on the living room carpet that wasn't there before. The carpet was actually in pretty good shape before that.


• The office was a bitchy about things getting delayed and there still possibly being one load of boxes left in the apartment during my scheduled walkthrough, so I don't get to be present for the walkthrough. They're just going to do it on their own time now after I'm gone.


• I was tired, so tired. I took a nap at an inoportune time and Mike got peevy with me.


• Even now, I'm still not quite done - finishing up the last things here and there. And I haven't even begun sorting out all the stuff at the new place.

Sounds like a great time, huh? It sucked. I think it qualifies as my worst move ever.

---

In other news, Brian thinks he's quit blogging. Damn him. His blog is one of my favorites, and checking it - especially to find that he's written something new - makes me so happy. Even if it's something completely inane or trivial. Especially when it's sopping with his caustic wit. So anyhow, screw your happiness, too, Brian Paulson. Go then, if you're going to go. We don't care.

...except that we do. And it sucks.

---

In other other news, Jeremy thinks I swear more these days, at least while blogging. I'm not sure if that's true; maybe I've always sworn more in print. Anyhow, looking back over old entries, I guess I do have a bit of a dirty mouth. I'd apologize, except I don't really feel sorry.

---

In other other other news, Jeremy is going to be here in Seattle for the next week for Potlatch, this ultimate frisbee thing. I told him he could stay at my place if he wanted, and turns out he's going to. Mike's feeling a little insecure, although I don't think he should be. I'm looking forward to it, though. I miss being better friends with Jeremy and look forward to catching up a bit.

Today's a much better day, despite the fact that I'm starving. I have a gynecologist appointment in an hour and a half, and I'm not allowed to eat for 12 hours prior.

My dog got to eat this morning. He was happy. He even downed his meds with relatively little complaint. Boiled rice in chicken broth - yum. I was jealous.

Mike was really good to me last night. He can be the world's best nurturer when he wants to be, and it's absolutely amazing and divinely comforting when he takes on that role. I was feeling quite a bit better by the time I went to sleep, and a good night's sleep was all I needed to shift me over the edge into a good, happy, sunny emotional spot. Thank you Mike.

The dog still has diarrhea. And he was vomiting both this morning and yesterday morning. I was starting to really worry, so this morning we went to the vet. I'm still not sure what exactly is wrong with him, but for today he's on a no-food, no-water, occasional ice cubes diet, to soothe the upset tummy. Tomorrow he starts with bland food -- rice and chicken broth, or lamb and rice, in very small but frequent portions, and he starts antibiotics and some other med to help with the runny stools. Fun fun fun for both of us.

In other news, I left the dance early tonight. Didn't really dance at all. It was the first time in months that I've been at a dance and really just not wanted to be there.

It started off poorly; I was supposed to work the door for the new class session, but was on the east side trying to move some more stuff over. That was another disaster in itself; they're redoing the parking lots over there, so I couldn't park in any lots anywhere near my building. Makes moving anything a real hassle. So I was heading back, and guess what -- traffic. Accidents everywhere. 520 west clogged all the way back to 140th St. I90 bridge standing still. Needless to say, I was quite a bit late, despite having alotted myself "extra" travel time.

The classes were okay, but after classes I ran up to drop off a check for Chris and to check out a new Tango practice venue. Jaimes was supposed to be there, but wasn't. He sent his regards through Susan, and said he might be there tomorrow night. I'm not sure I'll see him at all again before he heads off for his 3 month Alaska sailboat trip. I was also supposed to meet Randy, another tango dancer, about my level, to talk about possibly getting together regularly to practice. He wasn't there either. It wasn't a great time.

So I get back to the swing dance, and I want to dance. But Chris leaves me working the door for the entire 2 hour shift. (Usually people don't work more than 30 or 60 minutes in any given night. Then you still have plenty of time left to enjoy the dance.) And Mike leaves to "take a shower", but never comes back. Isn't there to keep me company while I work the door, isn't there dancing, and isn't there to dance with when I finally get done working. By that time, I'm just so bored out of my mind that I want to be anywhere but there, so I leave and walk home. And here I am.

Blah.

So with what's left of tonight (or tomorrow morning, I suppose), I need to go back to Redmond. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and forgot some paperwork there that I need to bring with me. Oh, and there's all the rest of my stuff to move before Monday. Ew.

The dog's got diarrhea. He was stirring up a storm this morning, trying to wake me up and get my attention, so I got up and took him out. Turns out not until after he'd already dropped a mess in the other room. It's the small things in life.

The war wages on:

Mike and Mary found Cockroach #2 in the kitchen tonight. They were not nearly as kind to #2 as I had been to #1.

When I found #1, I caught him and escorted him outdoors. I threw him off the balcony and he promptly ran back towards the building, possibly into one of the apartments on the lower level.

When Mary found #2, she screamed out to us. Mike bounded into the kitchen, caught the bugger, and in a nearly unparalleled display of manliness smashed #2 against the wall. He then yelped in pain because it hurt his hand.

Theoretically, I suppose #1 and #2 could have been one and the same. We'll see if any more show themselves.

Oil-streaked daisies covered the living room walls.
He put water-colored roses in her hair.
He said, "Love, I love you, I want to give you the mountains,
The sunshine, the sunset too.
I just want to give you a world as beautiful as you are to me."
'Cause I'm a painter, and I want to paint you
A lovely world.

I wish Mary would voice her needs more. She rarely speaks up when she wants or needs something, but is vastly unyhappy when the need is not met. I can't respond to her needs before she becomes unhappy if she doesn't clue me in, and it sucks that it often gets to the point where she's really unhappy before I even realize that there was a problem.

Up, down, up, down... up... down...

I love having Mary here, and it's great spending so much time with Mike - but wow, it's really nice to have a little time and space all to myself.

So I turned on the TV, just for kicks, and I actually get some sort of reception here, even without bunny ears. Better reception than I ever got in Redmond even with the bunny ears. Imagine if I hadn't broken the old bunny ears. Crazy. Welcome back, old friend TV.

I've been doing more nesting. Today I hit the kitchen with bleach again. I've been methodically working my way through all the cupboards, cleaning and disinfecting, and am about 3/4 of the way through now. I found what I believe to have been a cockroach my second day here - fast little bugger. I haven't seen any of the like since, but I decided to thoroughly disinfect anyway. I don't mind most bugs, but cockroaches are not cool. Spiders are great. They eat the less nice insects, mosquitos in particular. They don't eat my food, and they generally live and shit in far corners or somewhere on the floor. Cockroaches eat bacteria in my kitchen, and roam about and shit in my food. Not cool. I also did more cleaning and general arranging of stuff. Already, this place feels more like home than any other apartment has since I lived with Mike in Minneapolis.

So I've started a diary offline - lately I've come to feel that some things just aren't for everyone's eyes, or even for anybody's eyes outside of my own. I thought about keeping it online in a different, non-publicized location - the exhibitionist in me cries out to write someplace where somebody might eventually come along and read what I've written. Then again, I'm doing this to fulfill a need for an outlet for things too personal to share with anyone, particularly those I'm closest to, and if I write in a public space - well, you might just happen along and find it someday. And you might be hurt or confused or upset at the things I say. We can't have that, now can we? Additionally, there's some appeal to always having the diary with me, at my side, and being able to write in it anytime any place, regardless of net access.

I am also started an accounting notebook and a calendar. There's room in my purse now for all of them, and everything is nicely organized. I feel strangely at peace, having done all this.

Tonight I'm going to go through all the old mail I've been ignoring for months. Catch up on bills, make sure I get change of address notice out to everyone I should get it to, copy all my accounting information over into my accounting notebook - exciting, exciting. Bet you wish you could be sharing this with me.

We have phone at the new place. Mostly. I'm writing from here! And it's starting to feel homey. I've been nesting. I haven't nested in a long time... it feels good.

I haven't had a chance to blog for a while - I'm in the middle of moving, and we don't have phone set up at the new place yet. I just wanted to post a note and say that everything's going well, though. Boy-wise, move-wise, life-wise - I'm flying high. No worries; be happy for me.

Dancing ruled last night. Mike went to the dance and danced with me a lot; it was the first time we've danced so much at a dance in a long time. I really liked it. I was also brave enough to ask several people that I've been intimidated by for a while for dances, and those dances went pretty well. A few people complimented me on my dancing, and several people who haven't danced with me much in the past asked me for multiple dances. All in all, probably the best regular venue dance night I've had in weeks. I mean, Thursday night blues ruled, also, but that wasn't regular venue - that was just an exciting tangent. :)

Mike and I talked a lot yesterday, and things are going better. I'm not quite as unhappy, he's not quite as unhappy, and we're both making an effort to enact change in the relationship. Only time will tell, but it feels like things are headed on a better track now.

I called Mike. Surprise, surprise.

I asked if we could get together to talk sometime. He wanted to right now. I told him that Mary was showering, I needed to shower, and we were going to have lunch with Alex, and suggested we meet in a few hours. He flipped out. He says he doesn't have a problem with waiting, but he has a problem with waiting while I'm "with Alex". It turned into another fight. (This is a recurring issue -- he has a problem with me spending time with any friends. He wants to be my first priority 100% of the time.) Why does he always have to be so fucking jealous and possessive? Alex is my best friend. He was here to pick me up last night when I was falling apart. He will be here for me if things work with Mike. He'll be here for me if things don't. I'm not going to cut him off just because Mike is too jealous to allow me to maintain friendships outside of our relationship.

Sigh.

I stuck by my guns. I'm going to meet with Mike in a few hours. Not sure yet how that'll go. Judging from our conversation right now, it doesn't look good, but things can change.

Ha. Following is an excerpt from a recent post on Yehoodi:

Phlurgs Theorem States:

"In order for a lead and follow to dance together, the lead's center has to be able to move the follow's center."

3) Since what really matters is "Are the leader and follower enjoying dancing together?" I have postulated "Son of Cult of Kimmie HM's Very Special Law of Relativity" (based, in part, on Einstein's prior work) which states:

"A dancer's enjoyment of a dance will vary inversely relative to the amount he or she wants their partner to be dancing differently from the way they are dancing. "

4) The corollary "Son of Cult of Kimmie HM's Extra Special Law of Relativity" states:

"Any dissatisfaction will be exacerbated exponentially if you are dancing with a relative or significant other."

Hah. The corollary explains quite a bit about several dances I've had with Mike.

I talked with Solomon for a while on IM this morning. He is such a flirt; worse than I am, maybe. Very attractive, tallented, geeky but in that sexy way that totally gets me, a bit of an ego, but again, just enough that it's a turn on. Reminds me in many ways of many of the guys I've fallen hard for over the years; Jon, Jeremy, Rob, Mike, Chris. But also very attached to someone else, and it's not like I don't have enough going on in my life, so it's not going to be anything more than friendship and flirting. I have a feeling that it's going to turn into a great friendship, though; I'm really looking forward to getting to know him better.

I'm not strong. I hate ending things. I hate letting things end. I told myself that I wasn't going to call him, that every time I open up or put myself out for him, he lashes out and hurts me, and that I can't keep letting that happen. I told myself that he has to make the first move this time if we're going to make up and fix things. I'm still telling myself that, but I'm not sure I'm going to hold out.

Well, it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
if'n you don't know by now
It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, baby
it don't matter anyhow
When the rooster crows at the break of dawn
look out your window, and I'll be gone
you're the reason I'm travelling on
and don't think twice it's alright

It ain't no use in turning on your light, babe
It's a light I never knowed
It ain't no use in turning on your light, baby -
I'm on the dark side of the road
I wish there were something you could do or say
to try and make me change my mind and stay
we never did too much talking anyway
and don't think twice it's alright

Ain't no use in calling out my name, gal
Like you never done before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more
I'm thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart; she wanted my soul
and don't think twice it's all right

I'm going down that long, lonesome road babe
where I'm going, I can't tell
goodbye is too good a word, babe
so I'll just say, "fare thee well."
I ain't saying you treated me unkind
I coulda done better but I don't mind
you just wasted my precious time
and don't think twice it's alright
don't think twice it's alright.

Mar just played a version of that tune done by the Indigo Girls with Joan Baez. I love the song, but had never heard that particular version. I liked it.

I wish I could be that. I wish I could walk away when I feel like it's time - I just never do. I start walking, but then I turn and look, and then I sit and wait and hope, and then I walk a little more, but walking backwards, and finally I switch my direction altogether and go back. I just can't say enough is enough. I wait until things dwindle and die on their own, instead of taking real action myself. Never anything more than half-action, until the situation has deteriorated enough that it forces an outcome.

Right now I'm sitting 20 feet down the road, all my things scattered about me, facing back towards Mike and hoping he notices. I feel like I should just get up and continue my journey away, but I don't want to. I want him to call out to me and bring me back to him.

Just so that I keep from letting this degenerate into a "everything sucks, my life is shit" sort of blog, I thought I'd mention that the night before last was a pretty damn good night. I opened and closed the Russian Center dance since Chris was off at the Harlem Jazz Dance Festival. That went pretty smoothly. The substitute teachers were good and the DJs were good. The music was all pretty fast, a bit much for the venue (not that there can't be fast at the RC, but I think more of a mix might have fit better). I enjoyed myself.

Then, after the dance, Kevin mentioned that Solomon was having people over to his host's house for after-hours blues. Mary, Kevin, Miles and I all tagged along, and the five of us blues danced the night away until 6 or 7 in the morning. Penny, his host, danced with us as well until 5 am or so. It was heavenly. I've not done much in the way of blues dancing before. It was a good time. Mary enjoyed herself, too. All good.

Last night was not a good night.

Mike and I had a fight. It was about stupid stuff; it always is. But there were bigger issues going on. He feels neglected. I feel frustrated at our inability to talk about that or to work on fixing it. The way he chooses to express himself when we argue makes me feel like he doesn't respect or care about my feelings, because he has a tendancy to cut me short whenever I'm saying anything he doesn't like, either by interrupting me to say something very hurtful, or by walking off. It doesn't matter what my intentions were; if it's phrased in a way that he doesn't like, it's enough to illicit that sort of reaction.

So anyway, I left. I told him I wanted him to come with me, but that I was really upset and needed to be in my own space, not at his parents' house. He didn't want to come. I told him that if he walked off in the middle of our conversation again, I would just leave. He did walk off again. I didn't leave right away -- I waited probably 30 minutes, sitting there in my car, hoping for something from him, although I'm not sure quite what, and hoping that it would not come down to me driving off alone and leaving him -- but it came down to that. It broke my heart.

I meant to go home, get smashed, and indulge in a few cigarettes, something that I haven't done in forever. It was meant to be both a celebration and a mourning session -- I was going to drink to celebrate having had the balls to walk away, and to mourn the possible loss of a relationship that has meant a lot to me, with someone I deeply love. I don't know for sure that it's a loss, but something last night felt very final. Now I'm just sad, and not thinking clearly about it at all.

Alex and Mary had just gotten home when I got there, though, so my plans were aborted. Alex didn't approve, so he stayed with me and tried to be helpfully supportive until I fell asleep. Then he left. I slept until an hour or so ago this morning.

Today's a new day, I guess. We'll see where it takes me.

I was going to post something in my blog the other night, but blogger was down. Now I can't remember what I meant to post. Poo.

OH MY GOODNESS. PC craziness. I knew American textbooks were bad, but I didn't know the were that bad.