The problem isn't so much that I don't ask; the problem is that I don't know when to ask. I don't catch that I've misinterpreted something. Rather, I think that the other person has been clear and unambiguous, that I have been clear, and that we are both on the same page.
That is, until I find out differently later on. IF I find out differently later on.
I don't know to ask for clarification if I think I understood completely. If, instead, I overcompensate and ask for clarification every time anybody tells me anything, that would get annoying, don't you think?
Example scenario:
--------------------------Sounds like fun, yeah?
"Hi! How are you?," Joe Blow asks me.
"Wait, what do you mean by that?"
"What do I mean by what? I was just asking how you are," he replies.
"Oh, I'm doing alright," I say. "I'm a little tired, but things are going well enough. How are you?"
"I'm fine."
Fine, he said. What does he mean by fine? Does it mean the same thing to him that it means to me? I ponder a minute, wondering if perhaps there was some meaning there that I'm missing or if I might be reading more into his words so far than has actually been there. "What do you mean by fine? Are you okay? There isn't anything you aren't telling me, is there?"
Joe looks at me strangely. "No, really, I'm doing well. What's with all the questions?"
"I'm just trying to understand you better."
"Do you think you've been misunderstanding me?" he asks, looking slightly confused.
"Yes. I mean, no. I mean, I don't know. That's what I'm trying to find out."
"Oh. Er... okay." He blinks. He says nothing.
Why isn't he saying anything?
Does he think it ISN'T okay?! Is he trying to mislead me somehow?
"Do you really think it's okay? What do you mean by okay?"
"Can't you just take anything at face value?" he asks with exasperation.
"Well, I'm just afraid that face value to me might not be face value to you, that something might get lost in translation. It's happened before."
"That's reasonable, but as friends I would think we would have some sort of understanding wherein you might just take what I say and leave it at that." He does not look happy with me. Things could be going better.
Shit! Wait a minute! He's questioning whether or not we're acting on terms that he expects from friends!
Is he questioning our friendship?
Does he view our friendship the same way I do?
What expectations does he really have of me? Does he want to change them?
"Um, I don't mean to be a pain, but I just want to understand what you mean when you say 'friendship'. Are we still friends? Do you want to still be friends? What, in your mind, does that entail?"
"What the fuck is up with all these questions?" His voice is becoming tighter, more constrained.
"I'm just, I mean, er, I don't want any misunderstandings, and- "
Is this some sort of perverted game?"
"No! Like I said, I'm just trying to unders- " He glares at me a moment and then storms off.
"Wait! Where are you going?"
He's at the door, but he pauses to look back at me. "I don't understand!," I tell him. "I just wanted to make sure I don't misunderstand anything you've said to me!"
"You're being such a pain! I don't know why you continue to aggrivate me like this," he growls. Joe turns and leaves, the door closing behind him with finality.
Silence.
Joe Blow is gone, conversation over.
--------------------------
Not.
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