Today is a dreary, drizzly, overcast day -- the sort that Seattle is famous for, and actually the first like it that we've had in months.

I forgot how slick the roads get. My car hydroplaned on the exit ramp this morning, coming off the highway on the way to work. I lost control and nearly spun into the edge rail, but managed to regain control before that happened, without incident. It was scary, though. I'm still just coming off the adrenaline high that comes with being scared out of one's wits.

Man, I am such a dork. I was at lunch today with Miles, and his recruiter happened to be eating at the same restaurant. After we finished we stopped by her table so that he could say hello. I was wearing my "CANADA" sweatshirt.

Miles recruiter, trying to make polite conversation, asked me, "So are you Canadian?"

"I wish I were," I replied.

Silence.

Her date coughed and attempted a smile. "Well, it's a start," she said.

Yeah. Great. Kathy is a dork.

I did a scary thing today; I braved the lurking horrors of my refridgerator to clean out all the summer's leftovers. Yes, there was stuff from June in there. No, not all of it was recognizable any longer. Some of the leftovers made me nostalgic; I remembered the meal I'd had with Mary and Laurie, and perhaps Alex or Chris or Mike. But the mold and goop made me less so, and now it is all gone.

On the subject of food, I've been craving strange combinations of food.

I am having dinner.

It is a grilled sandwich -- cheese, chicken, fried egg, and a little bit of ceasar dressing. And a glass of water. Yum. I am happy.

I realized yesterday at my ultimate game that somewhere along the line I've stopped thinking of myself as 'Kathy'.

I introduced myself as Kathryn, and some of my team mates asked me if I go by anything shorter. The first time they asked, I told them that they could call me Kathy, but it felt so foreign and strange as it rolled off my tongue. It also felt strange when they called me Kathy, because not many people do these days. The next time somebody else asked, I responded with Kat, and that's what seems to have stuck.

Jeremy always preferred Kathryn. Mike always preferred Kat. I tend to use Kathryn for formal communication anyway -- mail, email at work, etc. -- and I guess I've gotten used to most of my friends in Seattle referring to me as Kat or occasionally Kathryn.

Strange. I've somehow lost my childhood name.

Alex and I got together at 7am this morning, had breakfast, talked, and worked things out. He's been really depressed lately. I'm a little depressed. It's not a good combination. I think things are going to be okay, though, and I think we're both feeling a little better about each other.

Alex really hurt my feelings today. He was so negative towards me, and in his expectations of me. It sucked... now I feel depressed and a little lost, because he's one of the few people I've felt like I could count on unconditionally these last few months, but now he has all this negative energy directed towards me. I was crying after the phone conversation. Stupid.

---

I played my first ultimate game with my new team today. My left knee kept popping; popped on almost every step when I was running. It sucked, and it worried me. Then someone on the other team broke their ankle during play.

I'm glad, I guess, that I have health insurance again.

---

I dreampt last night that there was a fire, or something, in my apartment, and all but one of my birds got loose. When I came home and found out, I walked around the neighborhood calling for them and most of them came back to me. Pookie came right away when I called her. But I called and called for Cricket, and she never came... it made me really sad.

Somehow in the dream she wasn't dead yet, or I didn't know that she was dead. But looking for her, never finding her again... I don't know. Maybe it was some symbolic attempt on the part of my subconscious to come to terms with her death.

Even now it still makes me really sad.

:-/

I eat out a lot since I started working again. Problem is, I have all these friends at MS, and I'm there all the time so it's convenient to hang out... but there's not a lot to do in Redmond outside of going out for coffee, lunch, or dinner. It's cutting into my paycheck more than I'd like, and I'm afraid I'm starting to gain a little weight, as well. Gotta watch that.

There's a large group of folks that I used to work with, back when I was still working on MSCRM, who have all also escaped to newer and better jobs. They all have lunch together maybe once a month, and I went with them on Friday. They all looked so... happy. Much more so than I remembered them. Several of them said the same of me. It's so good not to be in that environment anymore.

You are The Cap'n!

Some men are born great, some achieve greatness and some slit the throats of any man that stands between them and the mantle of power. You never met a man you couldn't eviscerate. Not that mindless violence is the only avenue open to you - but why take an avenue when you have complete freeway access? You are the definitive Man of Action. You are James Bond in a blousy shirt and drawstring-fly pants. Your swash was buckled long ago and you have never been so sure of anything in your life as in your ability to bend everyone to your will. You will call anyone out and cut off their head if they show any sign of taking you on or backing down. You cannot be saddled with tedious underlings, but if one of your lieutenants shows an overly developed sense of ambition he may find more suitable accommodations in Davy Jones' locker. That is, of course, IF you notice him. You tend to be self absorbed - a weakness that may keep you from seeing enemies where they are and imagining them where they are not.

What's Yer Inner Pirate?
brought to you by The Official Talk Like A Pirate Web Site. Arrrrr!

Yay -- I'm able to blog again. Blogger was doing strrraaannge things this morning. Following are a series of posts that I wasn't able to post at-time-of-writing:

---

My officemate was unexpectedly not here today. It's been such a nice, relaxing day. I've been mad-productive. Crazy.

---

I finally got my own net-id and my badge. It's only been a month and a half... about time! It will be nice, not having to call up every morning to find someone to let me into the building.

I guess Company_B keeps everything forever, because the picture on my badge is my newhire photo from September 25, 2000. Oh, the memories.

---

Company_A gave me a new box today. No more sud<CLICK! reboot...>

Er, no more sudden reboots, one would hope. The new computer is pretty sweet. I've never had a Pentium 4 before.

I spent 4 hours of time building the new box and getting all the patches and software I need, though. Painfully long process.

I neglected to install one patch. Turns out the Media Player Critical Update patch is what keeps 89.5's internet radio player from playing for me, so I'm being a rebel and skipping that one.

Okay, going to try to just work it out with him then.

So, hey. I have a question for y'all --

It is no secret that I am less than enamoured with Mr_X0. I feel that with his constant questions, his loud, frequent non-work phone calls, and the requests he makes for me to do this or do that, he negatively affects my productivity.

Additionally, someone came to the office today to ask me a question, and he kept stepping into the conversation and trying to answer it for me. Not only was that rude and annoying, but his answer was not helpful and was even misleading. I actually had information to share with the woman to answer her question, but he made it very difficult for me to do that.

Are these things that I should bring up with my boss and/or his boss? (I'm thinking of his and my managers at the contracting firm, not our manager here at Company_B.) I don't want to be bitchy and to complain needlessly, and I don't want to come off sounding to them as if I'm just a whiner. At what point is it appropriate to escallate the problem, who should I escallate it to, and to what degree should I elaborate on the problem?

I have a commenting system. If you have any advice, please leave a comment or send me and email to let me know what you think.

He's been so quiet this afternoon. So much nicer.

WASHINGTON, DC -- The Bush administration is easing rules that say hospitals must examine and treat people who require emergency care, even if they're unable to pay.

Great.

Thanks, President Bush.

So I just went back and edited a bunch of old blog posts. I changed all references to the companies I am currently associated with into variables: Company_B and Company_A. I doubt that anyone I work with/for or anyone from the HR department at either company will ever stumble across my silly little blog, but I guess it can't hurt to be safe. It's probably for the best at least as long as I'm still working there.

Score 1 for test, score 0 for dev.

My dev was trying to push a horrid fix through for a bug. Worriesome in many ways -- risky, very time-heavy, including changes that weren't really needed, etc.

I voiced my concerns, and then he, I, my boss, and the woman responsible for rolling his changes out to the live system then had a meeting where his preferred solution was vetoed. He's now working on architecting something safer. Yay.

Long day.

I'm ready to go home.

In other, stranger news, I keep dreaming about hooking up with women. Different women every dream. Some I know in real life, some I don't.

My alarm clock wigged out last night. I set it for 6:45 am, radio setting, but it apparently decided to start its buzzer going off at 3:00 am. I was so tired that I thought it was morning and I needed to get up for work, but I was soooo tired -- so...tired... -- couldn't think -- I kept hitting snooze, and I didn't understand why I felt so tired and horrid. When I went to hit snooze for the hundredth time at 6:40 am, I woke up enough to realize, "Woah! It shouldn't even be going off yet!"

Stupid alarm.

So I spent 3 1/2 hours last night trying to sleep but waking up every 10 minutes to snooze the buzzer.

It sucked.

And now I'm tired. Go figure.

Yes! An answer to all my officemate woes! Strong Bad answers the age-old question: How do I deal with the office dullard? The office dullard is a clever foe but there are ways to beat him, and Strong Bad tells all. It's as if he were speaking directly to me.

From: SweetLindyLorraine (SLLORRAINE) 2:31 am
To: Kathryn (KATHYANNIE) (80 of 81)

2904.80 in reply to 2904.79

Hell yeah my Balboa baby~

Options Reply

Last night Lorraine came up to me at the dance, talked to me (for the first time ever), and said that she hadn't known that I did balboa but that she was impressed.

And now she called me her Balboa baby, on the public forums!

The Seattle Balboa Goddess has noticed me. This totally makes my week.

I just got done re-reading that last post. Blah blah blah, it is all so whiny, I know -- why stay here reading my blathering, when you could read maybe go read Strong Sad's journal instead? At least that one's funny as well.

I'm feeling down again. I am such an emotional roller coaster.

Last night a friend brought me a sandwich to eat, and I think I was allergic to something on it. I felt the rest of the night like I'd been hit by a truck -- sore, headachy, dizzy, and out of sorts. I ended up sleeping in a corner of the Russian Center for most of the dance. Didn't feel up to driving home, but didn't feel well enough to do much else.

I don't know if I was being overly sensitive, but towards the end, after I woke up, Chris managed to make me feel really hurt and rejected. He'd been having a bad night, but then his dance partner showed up and it was as if suddenly everything was better for him and he didn't see me anymore.

I went home alone after the dance. Everybody else was apparently all into wanting to play video games or something, but I didn't really feel up to that. Once home I couldn't sleep, so I poked Jon online and he called me to talk for a while. That was really nice, except that I started dozing off on him towards the end of the conversation. I hope he didn't mind too much.

And now it's morning, and I'm awake, and I feel sad. I don't even really know why, or what about.

Anyhow, I guess I should get ready for work or something.

It's an ongoing battle not to fall asleep at work today.

I'm...not...doing so...well......

Do you ever feel...detached...from things?

There are people that I've really loved, that I've let just slip out of my life. Jeremy and I wrote a bit back and forth after Cricket died -- I mentioned to him that, because she had been so intertwined in my relationship, losing her seemed to add another note of finality to everything he and I had shared.

I really loved him. Part of me still loves him very deeply. But somehow I'm also okay with things being over, and... I mean... I don't know. It's really hard to explain. It's sort of like I'm looking down from above; I can see what we had, and I can appreciate that it was something beautiful, but it's not something that's relevant to me anymore.

So many things that were beautiful that aren't relevant to me.

I don't know what is relevant to me. I don't know if I hold onto the things that I should. I let things go, and they're so far away, and I'm looking at them from so far away. I still have that love, but I've lost my ability to -- I don't know -- hold on to it? To understand it? To make anything of it?

And this isn't the only case. I feel that way about what I've felt for many things, many people. Past friends, family, lovers...

It makes me feel a little sad, but I'm unable to hold on even to that sadness.

Funny thing is I'm not really an atheist. In Bush's eyes, though, maybe I would be.

Threat rating: extremely low. You may think you can
subvert the government, but if you should try
you will be smited mightily because God likes
us best.


What threat to the Bush administration are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

At Jeremy's request, I've pulled together some pictures of me before and after my haircut.

Before/After:


Here's a index of all the others, if you'd like to look at pictures individually:

Before:


• Tired but happy


• It's so...hard...to stay...awake...

After:


• I didn't do it!


• Look at that unrurly strand of hair.


• It has to be in here somewhere...


• Strike a pose.


• Slightly bemused.


• Hey baby, what's your sign?


• Here's lookin' at you.


• Strip tease! Kinda... well, not really.

This is my work machine doing this, by the way. Fricking annoying -- work for hours on stuff and then Poof! it's gone.

It's not a virus. I've checked it numerous times, each time with the latest and greatest updated signatures. Additionally, it's been doing this since before the existence of Blaster or Sobig.F.

A friend thinks it's hardware. I guess I get to call our PCHelp people tomorrow to see what's up.

Kathryn says:
my fricking machine just restarted itself
Kathryn says:
which it just DOES sometimes
Kathryn says:
and I lose stuff every time it happens
Kathryn says:
since it's not a normal shutdown
Kathryn says:
but I don't even get the courtesy of a blue screen
Kathryn says:
just click! restart

I ate breakfast this morning at my table in my breakfast nook.

Yes, for those of you who have seen my domicile at any point in time over the last three years -- I have a table. I have a breakfast nook. I've even cleaned it up such that I can sit at the table to eat.

Crazy, huh?

It felt very... peaceful. I could grow to like this whole orderly and well-kept way of life.

At some point, I'll finish project Organize-My-Apartment, I'll take pictures, and I'll post them up for you to all "ooh" and "ahh" at. I really like the place I'm living in now. It's starting to feel quite homey.

Speaking of pictures, I got some before-and-after pictures of my haircut. I'll post them after I figure out some webspace issues.

Just got done watching Frida. I really liked it - it's going on the "want to own" list. I like the way it portrays life and love and art -- especially love; what it could be, what we hope it to be, what it actually is, and how various people deal with it when we find it's not exactly what we had hoped.

Oooh, and did I mention that Brian blogged again? Kickass!

And if that weren't enough, now I've got him cornered on IM too. Schweeeeeat, schwing batta batta schwing.

Things aren't necessarily looking so good for SCO. Glad to see it.

Today's a good morning.

This is a good weekend.

Sun's up, I'm up, I'm happy and feelin' fine.

I do miss my roommates, but it is nice to have quiet space to myself in the morning. Nice to have a friend over and share it with just that one person. Nice to hang with my dog. Nice to have things in my space on my terms... it feels like I'm on vacation. And it's just a normal Saturday morning on a normal weekend.

Still at work. Why am I still here? I do not know. I have been struggling over the same SQL issue for the last 3 hours, and still have not resolved it.

On that note, I am deciding now that I am not going to resolve it this week. Suck - I'll have to start out the week next Monday dealing with this cruddy issue. I need to leave this nasty flourescent place, though.

Good night, work. Good bye, building X*.


* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Signing off to eat macaroni and watch "10 Things I Hate About You". Joy! Peace out, all.

(For those of you who weren't there to see me, I cut all my hair off today during my lunch break. Also, last night when Miles, Alex, and I were shopping, I bought clothes that actually fit me. This is the first time I've really owned well-fitting clothes since I lost a bunch of weight a year ago or whatnot. It is quite a change... I don't see myself in mirrors when I pass by them right now, because the image I see is so different from my current internal representation of myself.)

Everyone talked to me tonight. Well, everyone outside of Mark Kihara. People who never seemed to notice me before now came up and complimented me on my hair. Adam Noble said I looked really good, and then said again to emphasize. Elisa gave me a hug. Even Lee approached me and talked to me. It was a crazy night.

Chris says it's because changing something drastically about yourself, like your hair, is an ice breaker.

My theory was that I'm one of "the pretty people" now, and people like the pretty people better.

Maybe some of both. Who knows.

Finally, he leaves. But only after he talks on his cellphone for a full five minutes in the LOUDEST VOICE POSSIBLE to the person waiting downstairs for him.

Arrrgh.

I had dinner with Alex, Miles, and Steve tonight, and then afterwards Alex, Miles, and I went shopping. It was fun.

And now, for whatever reason, I am feeling so happy. I haven't felt this good in a long time. Sooooo good, such a good night... life is good.

Ack. It's scary how many of those Conversational Terrorist acts I can remember having committed. Maybe I'm a conversational freak.

Ever been stuck in a conversation you couldn't deal with? Wanted things to go your way, but just couldn't figure out how to work it? Check out this Guide To Conversational Terrorism: maybe it'll help you develop your offensive for the future.

I just got done reading Mary's latest blog entries. She went to the intersection where her Jeremy died, and posted a letter directed at him. It was really sad. Made me cry.

I got really mad at Mr_X0, because he kept talking at me while I was reading it - and talking about things that don't matter, and that he's said to me a million times already anyway. He's always talking at me, whether I'm doing actual work or wasting time, even now that I have headphones. I didn't say anything about it, though. I just acted as if I couldn't hear him due to the music playing. I know that's not a great way of dealing, but responding only encourages it. Or something.

I'm so much less tollerant of some things now than I used to be. I find other people's actions annoying, many of which I would have been okay with a few years ago. I wonder when or why that changed.

Chris and I made plans over a week ago to hang out tonight. He's been hellishly busy, I've been pretty busy, and there just hasn't been time. I just found out that he misread his schedule, is actually teaching a class tonight, and has to cancel on me.

Suckasaurus.

I'm randomly wearing a Canada sweatshirt today.

Then I read this article about how file-sharing, even music file-sharing, is legal in Canada: Blame Canada.

Everything's cheaper in Canada. And everybody has health care.

And they don't have Bush up there!

I want to be Canadian. Why am I stuck down here?

I love food.

Earlier I was hungry - I hadn't eaten much this morning or last night - and, upon refection, I discovered that I like the feeling of hunger. It's a feeling you can really latch onto. Makes you feel alive.

But boy, I like food too. My aunt gave me some tomatoes and green beens from her garden when I saw her on Monday night. I brought one of the tomatoes to work today, and just now I cut it up and put it on the sandwich I'd brought with me. It is soooo good. Yum.

I had a night to myself last night. Went to game night for a little while, but left really early. Called Brian and talked to him for a while. (He's the one I fell asleep on. Sorry, Brian. :( Stupid Kathy.) Was going to call Chris A. to eat with him later, but didn't manage to get ahold of him after I woke up again. Spent the rest of the time on my own, and fell asleep for the rest of the night before 12:15 am.

Now here I am, 7:20 am, and I'm awake. Feeling totally rested, and a little bit more...together...than I have been recently, I think. Didn't need an alarm to get up, even. Crazy.

Maybe I've been too peopled out lately or something. Maybe more time on my own would help? Not sure.

I fell asleep tonight while talking to someone on the phone. That hasn't happened in ages. I'm such a dork - grrr. I hate when I do @#$% like that.

So there was this stuff at work that I was just banging my head against. It stressed me out to no end the last few days.

I finally went and talked to my boss about it, and Bing!, now everything is better. Strange how communication can help things. My instinct is always to avoid it if there are troubles; don't communicate the troubles, don't show weakness, just hide until you figure it out yourself and can triumphantly display your results.

Turns out he knew I was going to hit a brick wall, and had me doing it as an exercise - he wanted to let me make that discovery for myself so that I could really own the knowledge about what the situation is and what is needed. :P Now that I've completed the exercise, he's going to give me the extra things I need in order to get my stuff done.

Anyhow, work should start being less stressful again now.

Funny how I can dish out the advice, but when it comes to my own life, someone tells me basically the same thing I've told them in the past and it seems so novel.

Me>> [he's] the one with all the control right now.

Brian> Exactly right, you've given it to him. All of it. Right now I think you feel like so much of your life is in his hands and he's walking away from it. That isnt the case. Your life is yours. Your happiness is yours to decide. Regain some of that. It starts with you.

Brian missed his true calling; he shoulda been a shrink. He's a fount of endless good advice.

Mental note: My life is mine. My happiness is mine to decide. It starts with me.

Mmm hmm... yeah.

Love the One You're With

...

And there's a rose, in a fisted glove
And the eagle flies, with the dove
And if you can't be with the one you love -
love the one you're with

Don't be angry, don't be sad
Don't sit cryin' over good times you had
There's a girl right next to you
and she's just waitin' for something to do

...

Alex says: maybe it's your subconscious telling you that you should start writing erotica. :D
Alex says: *duck*
Kat says: ha.
Kat says: I was thinking about that during "10 Things I hate About You" the other day.
Kat says: if that silly guidance counselor can write erotica when she is bored on the job
Kat says: why can't I?
Kat says: ;-)
Kat says: Was trying to develop my first plot line.

Harlequin, here I come.

I dreampt last night that I had sex with one of my dance instructors. One of my female dance instructors, to be more specific. I initiated. Seduced her, and she went with it.

I'm not quite sure what that means.

Good vs. Evil - who will win? Looks like someone went and wrote a "good" worm to combat the Blaster worm. Cute.

So how much crazier do you all think I am, now that you have access to this blog? I mean, these aren't exactly the writings of a woman at peace with herself.

KEXP 90.3 fm. Kick ass.

I had thought I was in the mood for dance music, but C89.5 failed me. The day I finally remember to bring headphones is the one day the player won't load.

Turns out I'm more in the mood for KEXP anyway - they're playing some kick ass tunes this morning. If you're into off-color non-mainstream music at all, you should check them out. I don't love all of their programming, but there are days that they're so on.

On suggestion from Brian:

Time to go to work,
work all night.
Gotta get underpants we.
We won't stop until
we have underpants.
Lots of yummy pants we.

Please note, though, Brian - this is a going to work song, not a going home from work song. My other song was better suited to last night.

The end of the work day seems just a little bit closer, having made after-work plans.

After work today, I am going to head down to the Kirkland waterfront with my aunt, my cousin, my friend Miles, and possibly my friend Steve to eat wraps and smoothies from World Wraps out in the sunshine. Jeremy, I will think of you while I am there.

Then the dance. Yay!

Then pour over several health insurance plans, that I might choose the least of many evils. Boo.

Then sleep. Sleep is always good. It will be better when I start in with the lucid dreaming, but I doubt that will happen tonight. Or any time soon, seeing as it hasn't happened yet over all the course of my twenty five years.

Just two more hours to go fighting these stupid deployments, and then I can leave. Two... more... hours...

We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig in our mine the whole day through
To dig dig dig dig dig dig dig is what we really like to do
It ain't no trick to get rich quick
If you dig dig dig with a shovel or a pick
In a mine! In a mine! In a mine! In a mine!
Where a million diamonds shine!

We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig from early morn till night
We dig dig dig dig dig dig dig up everything in sight
We dig up diamonds by the score
A thousand rubies, sometimes more
But we don't know what we dig 'em for
We dig dig dig a-dig dig

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho

Chorus
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
It's home from work we go
(Whistle)

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho

(Chorus)

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
(Whistle)

Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho
Heigh-ho hum

(Chorus three times)

Heigh-ho (until fade)

I want to go home from work.

Ack - my blog template seems to be going crazy. I'll have to fix it, although I'm probably not going to have time for at least a couple days.

On another note, why do I check things over and over again when I never really expect to see what I'm looking for? Like waiting for someone to call, or doing a "Send and Receive" check on my email again and again, hoping to hear from someone who I'm almost positive is not going to contact me. Stupid, that's what that is. Or I am. Or something.

My grandmother wrote the following of one of my uncles in a letter that she sends out to all of her grandchildren:

". . .I had a bunch of "hyper-active" kids. Joseph was, perhaps, the most hyper. He was tentaitvely diagnosed with ADD (Attention Defecit Disorder when he was 3, but I refused to allow the tests to confirm it or to put him on medication. I always thought the medication made kids stupid. At the first "open school", Joseph was by far the most active child there, among a bunch of kids who tended to be over-active. Our first head-teacher did an experiment with him one day. He read two different new stories to a group of children. During the first, Joseph was near-by, running a toy truck back and forth and looking as though he was not paying any attention to the story. During the second story, Joseph was encouraged to sit quietly and just listen to the story. The next day, Joseph was asked about each of the stories. He was able to tell the whole of the first story with all its details. He couldn't remember much about the second. It was as though when he was asked to sit quietly, he used up all his energy being quiet and had none left over to listen with. I observed the same thing at home. . ."

Interesting that others in my family have found that, too. In college I found that I got a lot more out of my courses if I allowed myself to fidget just a bit. I'd bring an array of multi-colored pens and switch back and forth between colors to take my notes. Just the action of switching and the slight distraction of focusing on colors were enough to allow me to more fully absorb whatever the subject matter was.

We've been watching Waking Life on and off over the last few days. It has some pretty snazzy animation - the entire movie was shot first with a small, hand-held digital camera, and was edited and assembled that way. Then the animators used software to convert the digitally photographed movie into an animation that resembles the scenery and actors very closely. I thought the movment, the weight of objects, the way characters sat in repose was just amazing. I'd like to see more of this sort of animation.

That aside, the movie moves rather slowly and we kept falling asleep while watching. This time through Mar, Laur, and Louie have fallen asleep, but I've been awake writing letters and caught some bits of the movie I had missed up to now.

Lots of talk of dreaming, of lucid dreaming, of being able to control dreams.

I go through phases where I have nightmares all the time, every night, for months on end. Nightmares or not, my dreams tend to be fairly vivid. I've kept dream journals in the past, but even in retrospect I'm not often able to make much sense of my dreams. I used to try to get into lucid dreaming, just for some control. I'm feeling now like I might try it again, for curiousity's sake.

Have any of you ever done it sucessfully? How did you start?

Alex is DJing tomorrow night with Idaho Dave! Kick ass! Looking forward to dancing...

I just got done cutting Mary's hair. I played around with layering it a little bit; it turned out well, if I do say so myself. I could have been happy cutting people's hair for a living.

Who wants to sit in front of a computer screen messing with bits all day? How did I ever get started down this path, anyhow? Bah.

I just proofed the letter that Mary is going to send to Jeremy's family so that she could start transcribing it onto the card we picked up yesterday. It's a beautiful letter -- in it, she shares some of the better memories she has of him with his family, and her love for him shows through in everything she writes -- but it's so sad. It left me in tears again.

Don't any of you die.

Don't, not any time soon. I hate endings. I hate regret. I don't want to lose any of you before I've said everything I ever mean to say to you.

The other day, we bought postcards, notecards, stationary. I went overboard, and I think it's partially because of all of this that has been going on. I don't want to take anybody forgranted. I want to let everyone that I care about in any way know that I care about them, while I have a chance to do so. I let too many people slide too far away from me. Never talk to them, never call, never write... it doesn't mean I don't care, or that I don't feel love anymore, because I do.

Why do I do that? Why do I get so caught up in stupid little things that I forget to reach out to the people who have touched me over the years? In the grand scheme of things, there are so many things I worry about that ultimately aren't going to matter, and so many things that will matter greatly to me at some point down the road that, still, I let slide over and over again. I don't know how to keep my priorities straight. What will I regret someday? What haven't I done, who haven't I spoken to, who haven't I made amends with that I might never have a chance to again?

I walked around my room
Not thinking,
just sinking in this box
Blamed myself for being too much like somebody else
I never thought I would just bend this way

And a phone call made me realize
that I'm wrong
If I don't make it known
that I've loved you all along
Just like the sunny days
that we ignore because we're all dumb and jaded
And I hope to God I figure out
what's wrong

- Excerpt from "4am" by Our Lady Peace

Mary, Laurie, packing...

Sucks.

Why does everything always have to end?

Mar and Laur and I just finished watching The Pianist. Actually, I just finished watching it - they're both asleep.

Good film, perhaps even a great film, but man, what a downer. And now I'm awake, and a bit depressed now, and they're sleeping. Awake with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. I suppose I should get used to it - I'll be living alone soon enough.

Open the window,
let the sunset in
If only for the last time
let me see you smile again

I'll take my records
You can have your books
I'm sorry I never read them
but it says so much about us

Always trying
to make love out of care
The perfect recipe
but something wasn't there

And I wish you Sunrays and Saturdays,
perfect starry nights
Sweet dreams and moonbeams
and a love that's warm and bright
Sunrays, and Saturdays
friendship strong and true
Oceans of blue
and a room with a view
to live the life you choose

You'll write me letters -
I'll call you on the phone
A wire away from touching
and never quite alone

We'll get to know ourselves again
and we'll heal our hearts
It's not that we're bad together;
we're just better off apart

Always trying
to have one and one make two
And even though it never worked
I still feel love for you

- Vertical Horizon, "Sunrays and Saturdays"

If you haven't already, you should check out the Google Toolbar v 2.0. I've been using it a few weeks now, and I love it. It rocks! Especially the pop-up window blocking functionality.

One more.

Give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home

I will stay forever here with you, my love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on

Some say I'm crazy for my love, oh my love
But no bonds can hold me from your side, oh my love
They don't know you can't leave me
They don't hear you singing to me

I will stay forever here with you, my love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on

And I can't love you, anymore than I do

- Evanescence, "Even In Death"

It's maybe not quite right, but I read it and I thought of you, Mar.

I've been holding back words
And waiting for time
There's a lesson here somewhere
I know it's mine
And though I'll remember the promise we made
Promises don't justify feeling this way, anymore

It's time for letting go
We can't hide what we both know
But ooh, the hurtin' grows
Every time I think it's over

- excerpt from Billy Ray Cyrus's "Time for Letting Go"

---

It's time to leave work and go see my Mary and my Laurie.

They leave me this weekend. I don't know what I'm going to do without them -- my life will be so empty all of a sudden. I'll miss them so much. :(

Selfishly, I'm a little scared about how I'll handle being alone.

Be froogle with google - find products for sale all across the web.

Cute. Froogle. Ha.

Got an email from my boss's boss just now. He cc:'d my boss here at Company_B and one of the leads at my contracting company, Company_A. The text of the email? "Great job Kathryn!"

Gotta love that. If I can't control anything else in my life, if I can't deal with relationships or comfort my family or take decent care of my pets or do anything else that really matters, at least I can make 'em love me at work.

I just got done reading all the entries Mary posted in her blog early this morning about Jeremy. They break my heart. I can't stop crying.

I need to pull myself together here pretty quick so I can do some work, get the day over with, and get home. That seems like such a daunting, momentuous task right now.

...

[i have so many feelings, but no more words]

:-/

I'm lucky to have Alex in my life. He brought Mary home before the rest of us came home, so that she could have a little bit of privacy and space to read Jeremy's obituary and such.

When the rest of us got home we found him holding her, just being there for her. I didn't know, still don't know how to be there for her, but it helps so much that he's trying to be there for her too.

She asked for juice, so he took her to the store to get some. While they were there he and she got ice cream to bring back, as well, and they also got stuffed animals for all the people here who have been having a tough night -- a stuffed cat for me, a bear for Laurie, a fluffier stuffed cat for Jonathon, and a tiny, pocket sized, terribly soft and snuggly stuffed cat for Mary.

All the folk here still seem rather sad and mellow -- everything feels surreal. But it's at least a sane mellow, a "we'll get through this" sort of sadness, and Alex is largely to thank for that.

Thank you for Alex. I am afraid that I take him forgranted more than I should, but when I stop to think about it I feel blessed to have him around.

The world is going crazy. I feel powerless and out of control.

• My bird, one of my favorite birds, died last week.



• I've realized lately that I push away the people I love, and I have come to really regret some of the decisions I have made over the past year. They're not the sort of decisions I can undo.



• The boy my younger sister Mary believes to have been her only love so far just died in a car accident. She's been freaking out all night. I want to be there for her, but I don't know how and she pushes me away. Nobody close to me has ever died before; I don't know how to deal with it. I've been freaking out.
  
  I have this picture burned into my memory of she and he, sitting on my parents' couch, holding hands. Having just read the obituary and an article in the home paper about the accident, I feel sad and sort of numb.



• Another one of Mary's friends had a serious panic attack tonight at the dance, and they had to call a medic van for him. We've got him over at my place now because I didn't think he should go home alone to an empty dorm room quite yet.



• Laurie just said goodbye to a boy she's become quite involved with. She's really sad and I don't know how to be there for her, either.



• Things with Mike are fucked up. I really wanted to fix them and make everything better, but I am powerless to. It takes two people, both of whom want to make a difference, to mend a relationship -- and, well, he's not in a place right now where he's interested in contributing anything to that end.



• I never realized what an asshole Mike could be until tonight. I needed him and he failed me.
  
  All of this going on so I pulled him aside for a moment -- I wanted to let him know both to be conscious of the fact that Mary was having a hard time, since he is a friend to her, and I wanted to get a little bit of support from him because I was feeling massively overwhelmed. He glared at me the whole time as if I had committed a cardinal sin. I'm not sure why he was so pissed that I took him away from the dance for that short while, but it made what was already an overwhelmingly stressful night all that much worse. Then, to top it off, he didn't speak to me or aknowledge me for the rest of the night, except to glare at me on the way out.
  
  On the bright side, if it is a bright side, he's making it easier for me to get over him.

The other day, a good friend asked me what I thought love was. I wasn't able to give a very good answer. But this morning, I was browsing Jon's live journal, and came across his most recent post where he answers that very same question. His answer runs pretty close to mine, and is more eloquent than I could ever be.

For those of you too lazy to click over, here's his post:

A rare morsel of depth

Over the past year, I've learned something that I consider to be the most valuable lesson I've ever learned.

Those of you who have known me long enough to have heard my grandiose and impromptu theories of life have seen the importance that I place on Balance: Everything in moderation, even moderation itself... There are no golden rules... Everything depends, and is open to discussion... The Way means striking that balance, or letting it strike itself. Obviously, these guidelines go out the window when I go off on tirades and I'm as guilty as anyone of going to extremes, but generally they apply. It's the core of how I work, and what I do with my kids.

In the last year, though, something seeped through. Something I couldn't ignore came up. It's the concept of "unconditional."

At a certain point, your love can run so deep that it no longer depends on anything. It just is... in a way that's completely unconditional and unquestionable. It means that no matter what that person does or says, your love remains unbreakable. It means you no longer think about if you'll make it through, or if you'll be able to forgive... just how. It doesn't mean you're stupid, or in constant denial, or blind to the things that hurt you, or even that you'll spend the rest of your life with that person next to you. It just means that there are things that you don't have to question.

Yes, I love you. Yes, I forgive you. No, I will not be disappointed.

There are three people in this world for whom I feel this. One will probably read this, one I'm not sure if they still check, and one will probably never lay eyes on this text. One of them once told me, "yeah, but you're only human." My answer: "I'd argue there isn't anything in this world more human than this."

...I have feelings I want to express in response to his post, or in addition to his post, but I can't put words to them. I'll try again later, perhaps.

Anyhow, go, Jon. You've always been so much better with words and language than I ever could be.

I just took my dog out. On my way back in, I met one of my neighbors, Yang, from across the hallway. He asked me if I "smoke smoke", and invited me to smoke a bowl with him. I declined. He asked again. I declined again. Then he bid me goodnight and went on his way, back to smoke up some more, I guess. At least he is friendly.

So whenever I next find myself with some free time, I can attempt to use cellophane to convert my laptop screen into a three-dimensional display. "A distinct advantage of our technique is its simplicity; a laptop screen can be converted into a 3D display with minimal knowledge of optics. An additional advantage of our technique is that we can eliminate the need for the observer to wear special glasses by making the computer wear the glasses instead." Kick ass! Crazy fun times ahead for me.

I used to have a parakeet named Chloe that talked. His first words, when another bird of mine landed on my head (strictly against the rules, since they are not potty trained) were, "Don't DO that!" It's a phrase that I consistently used whenever any of my birds would do something I disapproved of. Chloe matched my intonation perfectly, and took to screeching that whenever he noticed any infractions on the part of his peers.

I guess I use that phrase with people, too. I did something vaguely idiotic the other night during a conversation with Mike, and he responded with, "Don't DO that!" He was mimicking me - apparently I've used that phrase on him when he's done similar idiotic things in past conversations. Same intonation. He never met Chloe, so he didn't know. I had never realized I used the phrase so regularly.

Anyhow, it struck me as funny at the time.

Mary - just so you know - I do need you, and you are one of my best friends. Because you are around, I am a much happier person than I would be otherwise.

Jeremy wrote in a comment to my last post:

Your feelings are natural, Kat; I think everyone wants to feel like he/she can trust the person he/she is in a relationship with.

Of course, one can explicitly test that faith to see if it's there. OTOH, I would argue that numerous events in life regularly put relationships to the test. Oftentimes, if someone is still with you after a significant period of time then they have passed some tests along the way. And they have almost certainly passed tests that you have not seen.

So, my point is this: there's no need for you to test those who are in a relationship with you - life's happenings will offer up all the tests you and your sig other could ever need.

I know that there's no need. Part of the problem is that I don't even realize I'm doing it when I do it, I don't think.

Any of you who are or have been close to me can probably pick out specific instances in the past where I have pushed lines with you - explicitly done something I knew you didn't like or were uncomfortable with, even though I knew you felt that way.

When it's happening I tend to think, "I'm just being who I am. This is who I have always been. Why can't you accept that and deal with it?" I probably put it off that way to you. Rationalizing, fighting for my right to be me and do things "my way". And if you stand up for yourself, I fight all the harder and push all the more.

The odd thing is that whatever the line is, whatever I'm doing - it's not necessarily the way I always do, have done, or will do things. I do sometimes have relationships where I call the other person every day and place a high priority on being consistent and timely with communication. I don't always have relationships where I'm extremely affectionate with people outside the relationship. I don't always push to get rid of "defining terms" like "dating exclusively". But at the time, whatever issue it is I'm fighting about, I feel like it is a defining part of who I am, something I need to be able to do to "be myself", and I fight for that tooth and nail. Push as hard as I can.

It's only in retrospect that I see patterns, and come to think that maybe I was testing you to see if you'd stick with me, no matter how bad it got. And then I feel justified when you don't.

I'm not sure how to get out of that pattern, since I don't seem to recognize what's going on when it's relevant.

Do you ever worry that you "test" people, maybe without even really meaning to?

I'm afraid that I do. I put them in difficult situations, situations they're really, really unhappy with, and expect them to wait it out to prove that they love me. And then when they don't, when they give up and walk away - somehow I blame them. They didn't love me enough. I didn't mean enough to them. It's like I expect everyone to walk away, to stop loving me - and if they don't do so initially, I'll change and tweak the situation until it's so bad that they do. I don't ever want them to, and I'm so sad and broken hearted when it actually happens, but somewhere deep down I am responsible for making it happen. It's what I expect, a self-fulfilling prophecy.

There's never going to be a love so deep that someone will put up with any shit you throw at them. There's always a line where the shit just gets too deep. And hey, even if it's a deep, deep line, and a very loving person, I'll manage to find that line and cross it somehow. And then I'll tell myself it wasn't me, and I'll believe it was because they never really loved me anyway.

Pretty fucked up, hey?

I was up at 5:30 this morning. That hasn't happened in a while. I coulda watched the sun rise, if it weren't so goddamned gloomy in Seattle that there was one.

At times like this, continuing with one's life seems impossible, and eating the entire contents of one's fridge... seems inevitable. I have two choices - to give up and accept permanent state of spinsterhood and eventual eating by dogs... or not. And this time, I choose not. I will not be defeated by a bad man and an American stick insect. Instead, I choose vodka, and Chaka Khan.

- Bridget Jones, in Bridget Jones's Diary

Have you ever seen that movie? I feel more and more as if I'm doomed to be Daniel Cleaver someday -- getting older, can't make it with anybody. Flings here and there, but in the long run, all on my own.

Daniel Cleaver: If I can't make it with you, I can't make it with anyone.
Bridget Jones: Um... That's not a good enough offer for me. I'm not willing to gamble my whole life on someone who's... well, not quite sure. It's like you said. I'm still looking for something more extraordinary than that.

That will be me. And Bridget, there, will be the essence of everybody I ever date. Looking for something more extraordinary than what they might find with me.

But for now, I guess, at least there is vodka, and Chaka Khan.

Sad fact for the day:

Putting mayonaise and mustard on your sandwich 4 hours before you are going to eat it makes it very soggy. EVEN IF you toasted your bread. In that case, you end up with soggy toast.

Yum.

(Not really.)

It appears that Haloscan, the commenting system that I'm using, is experiencing some problems right now. No more comments until they get whatever is going on with their servers figured out. How very sad.

Howard Dean is coming to Seattle on August 24th. I'm excited.

For any of you in MN, if you are interested, he is going to Milwaukee on August 23rd. That's not so far away.

Do you ever have times where you wish you could change the way someone else is acting? Write it all down, scratch everything out, write a new draft that moves in a new direction, and boom! - they're following the new script. Sometimes it makes me sad that I can't do that, that I really don't have much control over other people's decisions and actions. Especially when those decisions and actions concern me.

I've been having that shortness-of-breath problem again this morning. I really need to not get stressed so much. Anxiety is not good for me, I don't think.

In other news, I've been later to work than I would like for two mornings in a row, but I think I've finally caught up on my sleep from this past weekend. Yay, sleep.

I've been kind of snappy at my Mr_X0 today. On the one hand, I feel bad about it. I still want everyone to like me. I hate being mean.

On the other hand, he's routinely asking things of me that are unreasonable, that he should be doing as a part of his own job. I have my own job to do; I shouldn't be doing his, too. Once in a while is okay. All the time is not. Yeah, my job is easier. I'm a slacker, I've got more of a slacker job. Who wants to write code when you can just sit around and rip someone else's apart? Didn't you ever wait until your little brother finished building a huge, amazing block tower, only to run up screaming and kick it down? Much easier than building it up, and so much satisfaction in that one short moment. Anyway, I bet you anything he gets paid more, so he should do his part and let me do mine.

This weekend was rough - really up and down. I ended up breaking into tears on Chris's shoulder twice on Sunday. There's no one thing that's wrong. Just... everything. Lots of little things. It all adds up.

Still feeling a little manic, although that's toned with numbness today, as well. Having trouble working.

You may not know my brother. Heck, I don't bother right now with page counts or address tracking, so I'm not even sure you know me.

Anyhow, a few details about him:

My baby brother's full name is Leroy August Krueger. On August 30, 2003, he will turn 23. It looks like he will be celebrating his birthday in Iraq - he'll have been there, then, for over 6 months. The latest news from Washington makes it look as if he'll be there for at least a year.

Have you ever sent a card or a note to a complete stranger, or maybe someone you know just a little? Now's a great opportunity! If you're interested in being a part of some good will, consider sending my brother a card or a note wishing him a happy birthday, and perhaps wishing him a speedy return home.

Correspondence can be sent to:

SPC Krueger, Leroy A
353rd Transportation Company, 2nd PLT
Apo AE 09366

Mail delivery seems to take between 2 weeks and a month, so if you send one now, it would get there about the right time!

Outside of that, if you're interested in seeing what life is like in sandy Iraq, one of the men in his unit has been periodically uploading pictures to http://www.crazyed.net.

Thank you to all of you who sent supportive emails. They really meant a lot to me.

Thank you also to those of you that have given me support off-line. I don't know what I would do without you. You help keep me sane.

---

On another note, work has been crazy today. There's still a bunch of stuff I want to get done within the next hour, so I'm going to get back to it.

Several years ago, one of my birds got loose in Minneapolis. I freaked out - posted signs offering a reward on almost every streetpole within several miles radius of where I lived, posted an ad in the paper, called around to all the local animal control and human society offices...

I cried myself to sleep every night. I didn't know if I would ever see her again, and actually went through a period of mourning her.

For all that, I actually got her back. Two weeks after she first got loose, I got a call from some man whose co-worker had seen my ad in the newspaper. He had found her shortly after she got out, wandering around a parking lot, and had taken her home meaning to keep her. The reward was enough to change his mind.

That bird was Cricket.

She was an amazing bird. She mothered about half the chicks I raised, back when I was still raising chicks. She's the only female bird I've ever had that sang, although she only sang when she wasn't around other birds. Females don't sing - it's just not done - and the few times she forgot that she was ostracized by the rest of the flock. Eventually she gave it up and learned to fit in. She would still sing just for me on rare occasions - alone with me on a car ride, perhaps - but that was it. Her song was much more muted than the male songs. Quiet, lilting melodies. Very sweet to listen to.

When she was a baby, Cricket was the sweetest, most trusting, affectionate bird. For a year or so after her big adventure in Minneapolis, she was a bit more jumpy. Wouldn't you be, if you'd gotten loose, been chased by crows, been put into a small cage in a strange man's house, and then finally returned home? This last year or two, however, she started mellowing out again. Utterly trusting, sweet, affectionate. Just wanted to be sociable, to be held, to have her neck scratched.

I miss her a lot already. I'm going to miss her.

Still sad, angry at myself, guilty, upset. Stuck at work, and don't really know what to do with myself or how to cope right now.

I can't stop crying.

I'm really angry at myself. I noticed, maybe two weeks ago, that Cricket wasn't feeling well. I made a mental note to pull her out, give her some extra attention, check up on her a little more often. And then with all the hubbub of starting a new job, I completely forgot about it.

And now she's dead.

I could have maybe done something about it - quarantined her, made sure she had extra food/water/warmpth - gotten her to a vet - but it all just slipped my mind. I'm so stupid.

And I'm at work, and can't even really deal with it. And I love the people at my house, but they don't sound like they're dealing with it very well. Mike and I were bickering a little on IM, but he cut it short and offered to run over to my place and take care of things once I told him what was going on. He's going to go at least get her out of the cage and take care of little details like that so that she isn't just sitting there decomposing.

I'm lucky that he's willing to do things like that. When we're not arguing, he can be incredibly good to me, and so helpful. Thank you, Mike, for helping out in a difficult pinch.

@#$%

I feel sad, angry, guilty. So angry at myself. I don't deserve to have pets.

One of my favorite birds died. I'm not even home to do anything about it, or to be able to mourn properly.

Poor, poor Cricket.

:(

I hate days like this.

I lost my hair-stylist again. Every so often I go through a 6-12 month period where I don't get my hair cut, for whatever reason. Add to this that my prefered stylist kept switching salons for a while, and now he's left the last salon I knew him to be at.

I don't trust many people to cut my hair. Too many bad haircuts over time have left me guarded and suspicious.

So what? I just don't cut my hair anymore? I could let it grow forever - eventually it would become a tangled, nasty mess of split ends and thus would self-regulate its own length. That sounds like a great idea. Trust someone new to go for the cut I'm looking for and hope they get it right? It's easier to cut off than it is to grow back.

Bah.

Damnit - I forgot the headphones.

SCO Sets Price For Linux Licenses: Linux users can buy protection against a lawsuit for $699 until Oct. 15; then the price jumps. Jerks.

To be read in a sing-song voice:

Ma-ry has a boy-friend. . .

That's what I hear from the peanut gallery at home, anyway. :)