I can't stop crying.

I'm really angry at myself. I noticed, maybe two weeks ago, that Cricket wasn't feeling well. I made a mental note to pull her out, give her some extra attention, check up on her a little more often. And then with all the hubbub of starting a new job, I completely forgot about it.

And now she's dead.

I could have maybe done something about it - quarantined her, made sure she had extra food/water/warmpth - gotten her to a vet - but it all just slipped my mind. I'm so stupid.

And I'm at work, and can't even really deal with it. And I love the people at my house, but they don't sound like they're dealing with it very well. Mike and I were bickering a little on IM, but he cut it short and offered to run over to my place and take care of things once I told him what was going on. He's going to go at least get her out of the cage and take care of little details like that so that she isn't just sitting there decomposing.

I'm lucky that he's willing to do things like that. When we're not arguing, he can be incredibly good to me, and so helpful. Thank you, Mike, for helping out in a difficult pinch.

@#$%

I feel sad, angry, guilty. So angry at myself. I don't deserve to have pets.

One of my favorite birds died. I'm not even home to do anything about it, or to be able to mourn properly.

Poor, poor Cricket.

:(

I hate days like this.

I lost my hair-stylist again. Every so often I go through a 6-12 month period where I don't get my hair cut, for whatever reason. Add to this that my prefered stylist kept switching salons for a while, and now he's left the last salon I knew him to be at.

I don't trust many people to cut my hair. Too many bad haircuts over time have left me guarded and suspicious.

So what? I just don't cut my hair anymore? I could let it grow forever - eventually it would become a tangled, nasty mess of split ends and thus would self-regulate its own length. That sounds like a great idea. Trust someone new to go for the cut I'm looking for and hope they get it right? It's easier to cut off than it is to grow back.

Bah.

Damnit - I forgot the headphones.

SCO Sets Price For Linux Licenses: Linux users can buy protection against a lawsuit for $699 until Oct. 15; then the price jumps. Jerks.

To be read in a sing-song voice:

Ma-ry has a boy-friend. . .

That's what I hear from the peanut gallery at home, anyway. :)

Chris is walking my dog for me this morning, since I didn't have time to before I left for work. I love Chris. He rules.

Waiting, waiting, waiting... I hate waiting and being dependant on other people for being able to get my shit done.

I haven't been blogging too much today. That's because I was actually doing work. Strange, eh?

Well, I guess I did waste a little time reading news this morning. Read about The Episcopalian Vote on whether or not to ordain Gene Robinson (who is gay) being delayed due to last-minute allegations of inappropriate conduct, read more about Howard Dean, read some about John Kerry, read a bit about his crazy wife, signed Kerry's petition opposing a plan Bush administration is pushing through that would make it such that anyone making more than $22,100 a year could be denied overtime if they are classified as professional, administrative or executive employees, possibly affecting as many as eight million Americans, including fire fighters, police officers, paramedics, nurses, and store supervisors, and browsed around the Democratic National Committee website for a while.

And then I got back to work.

Several of you have hounded me for some time to implement a commenting system. You had great things to add, one said. I need comments so you can post your caustic wit, said another.

Be warned, I fully expect you to live up to those expectations now that I've provided you with a means. :)

Comments!

The crowd has spoken. You can now comment merrily away.

Here's to HaloScan for making a quick, easy, and painless commenting system, and here's to Brian for pointing me to it.

Go to CBS New's page of On Demand Video and click on "IBM's Day In Court":

That's my mother.

And in the background, my father. And the kitchen, living room, and garden of the house I grew up in.

Very strange seeing that all on a national broadcast.

I'm glad for my mother, though. Things have been going well on the cash-pensions front.

Artistic Robots Augment Human Art

. . ."Since 9/11 happened it's been a daily struggle for me to not hate people in the Middle East," said Nancy Havel, an ArtBots visitor who lost a brother in the World Trade Center attacks. "I didn't want to draw with the robots, I was afraid of what my art would say about what I've been thinking. But the robot translated my confusion into spirals that reminded me things always change."

"Looking at the art created by people in the UAE and New York helped me remember that underneath it all we're all human beings and mostly decent," said Katherine O'Connell, who was in Tower 2 when the hijacked planes hit the World Trade Center. "How weird that it would take a silly little robot to remind me of something that big.". . .

It sounds sorta crazy, but cool.

FBI targets Net phoning

. . . According to the proposal that the FCC is considering, any company offering cable modem or DSL service to residences or businesses would be required to comply with a thicket of federal regulations that would establish a central hub for police surveillance of their customers. The proposal has alarmed civil libertarians who fear that it might jeopardize privacy and warn that the existence of such hubs could facilitate broad surveillance of other Internet communications such as e-mail, Web browsing and instant messaging. . . .

Ack! Not cool.

I like Howard Dean more and more, the more I read about him.

Nettika: What do you think of Howard Dean?
Icktharus: who's that?
Icktharus: oh, the pres candidate.
Icktharus: (context switch... i was trying to think of a dancer named howard dean...)
Icktharus: er... i haven't followed the democratic primary races really.
Icktharus: i tend to like candidates that are more left-leaning than centrist, though. on the other hand, i'd be willing to compromise to get bush out of office.
Icktharus: i think that i liked dean's opposition of the war.
Nettika: i like his thoughts on technology too
Nettika: he was featured on lawrence lessig's blog for a week a little while back
Icktharus: i don't know what his thoughts on technology are.
Nettika: he thinks fast internet access should be avialable and affordable everywhere in the states, to everyone
Icktharus: he has a proven track on health care, too, which i like.
Nettika: http://www.lessig.org/
Icktharus: cool! :) equal opportunity internet access!
Nettika: :)
Icktharus: i agree... the internet should really be treated like a utility like the water and sewage is, and not something only rich kids have.

Being a contractor can be pretty sweet. If this job were full time, it would suck - high priority bugs would come up and we'd just have to deal with them.

But my company bills for my time by the hour. And the small group I'm in has a limited budget -- they can cover 40 hour weeks for the next year, but not much more than that. So my manager tries very hard to balance "high priority" against "balancing the budget", and the budget usually wins out. I get to work a 40 hour week, generally normal business hours, regardless of what heat is coming down from on high. And if the heat did get too hot and they did have to pull me in for extra time (unlikely, but could happen), I would get paid overtime. Kick ass!

(Yes, a high priority bug came in just this afternoon. Yes, I am leaving work now regardless, and I am just going to deal with it in the morning. Yes, everyone all worked up over the bug is just going to have to deal until then.)

I'm off for the day!

Got to do my first bout of real work today. There was a bug in a product I hadn't yet used or looked at - got to install, figure out the product, find the bug, look at the dev's fix, point out how it wasn't fixed, give it back to him, repeat - fun, fun, fun.

And now I'm waiting for another fix for the same bug. Just waiting.

Also waiting for lab staff to finish wiping my servers so I can actually start using them. Just waiting.

Waiting sucks. It's boring as ass.

I'm hungry.

I want to go eat.

Why am I here?

Where is my sugar daddy?

Why do I need to make money for myself?

Bah.

Along similar lines, Illegal Art, a museum exhibit. "Copyright holders have threatened and sued many of the show's artists for sampling, remixing, and recontextualizing other people's artistic creations without permission. Featuring audio and visual exhibits, a full length CD, and several films, the show highlights how copyright, typically considered an engine of creativity, can stifle art and free speech."

I read today, for the first time, about the Eric Eldred Act. Good stuff. The site "serves as the focal point for information about the campaign to restore balance to copyright laws by expanding the public domain. Founded as part of Eldred v. Ashcroft, the legal action to overturn the Copyright Term Extension Act (Phase I), it now houses all the documents from that case, as well as new and up-to-date information about advocacy efforts to reclaim the public domain through legislation."

It also links to a petition to reclaim the Public Domain.

Here's to the Public Domain.

You never realize how much you'll miss something until you don't have it...

Today is the third day of my job.

My manager on the Company_A end has yet to procure badges or net-ids for myself and my Dev counterpart.

There are work arounds - we're "borrowing" net-ids, and we call up every morning when we get to work for him to come down and sign us in - but man, this sucks. There's work to be done, and it's hard to do it without any real access anywhere.

It's getting easier and easier to get up in the mornings.

Unfortunately, this comes at a price; I'm a bear at night when I'm getting tired. I feel sorry for the poor folk who have to put up with me then.

I'm at work, by the way, if you hadn't guessed that already from the time stamps on these posts. Went through some paperwork, installed software on my machine, read through all the materials I got from HR, and now I'm waiting for someone to bring me over to Company_B (the company I'm contracting at) and introduce me around there. Waiting sucks. I want to be doing things.

I get to bring my own box (read: a box that Company_A (the company who is contracting me out) is sending with me, not one from my home) with me to Company_B. This is apparently a new condition on the contract that Company_A hasn't seen before. They gave me a pretty nice box to take along with me - not top of the line, but better than 3 of the 4 boxes I had at Company_B when I was last there. And it's mine, all mine, all mine.

I have the sweetest sisters ever.

I'm talking right now about Mary and Laurie. This isn't to say that Sue isn't sweet -- she's awesome, too. But she's not a key player in this story. One more quick tangent; Laurie isn't technically related to me, but she might as well be. She's family in every sense of the word outside of "sharing the same bloodline". Heck, she was in our family photos this last Christmas.

Anyhow, I took a shower this morning and got out to find that Mar and Laur had gotten up early to make me waffles.

Waffles!

I've been craving waffles for a long time. It's been my intention to buy myself a waffle-maker eventually, but it just hasn't been in the budget up until now. Mary and Laurie knew this, bought me one as a thank you present for letting them stay with me this summer, got up early on my first morning of work (those of you who know them know that this would not have been easy for them -- neither of them are "morning people"), and secretly made me waffles while I showered.

So sweet. I'm very lucky to have them around.

Bob Hope passed away Sunday evening. Bummer.

I hadn't realized he spent so much time and energy on entertaining American servicemen. "From 1941 to 1948 he performed nearly all his 400 radio programs at military bases. And at an age when most performers curtail their activities, Mr. Hope continued to make his annual tours during the war in Vietnam, playing to the sons of the servicemen he entertained during World War II and the Korean War." That's really cool.

Here's a bit of interesting reading: How Not to Get Sued by the RIAA for File Sharing (and other Ideas to Avoid Being Treated Like a Criminal).

Nervous that you might be next on the RIAA's hit list? Check out The Electronic Frontier Foundation's Subpoena Query Page to see if your username is listed on one of the subpoenas filed with the D.C. District Court.

@#%$ RIAA.

I have a job! Starting Monday...

I've had a pleasant time bumming around, but it couldn't last forever. Goodbye, lazy mornings.

Job interview tomorrow morning - joy.

Brian is posting again! Kick ass!

Just so y'all know, sometimes Mike does do things that make me very happy. Last night was especially good. He was sweet, thoughtful, helpful, playful, fun to be around, danced with me lots, and behaved himself beautifully around everyone else; no jealousy, no fights, no anger. Nights like last night are why I keep dating him, even through the bad.

I keep meaning to post more, but keep getting distracted. Updates on the move, updates on my life, whatnot.

Things are not going especially well with Mike. He's so often angry. I feel like I spend so much of my energy just trying to placate him, to keep him from getting angry or to try and soothe things once he gives in to it. It makes me tired and sad.

No job yet.

This place is starting to feel like home. I love having Mary and Laurie around, but man, it feels crowded sometimes. Especially from 6:00 am until about noon, when they're still sleeping and I want to be doing stuff around the apartment, unpacking, moving in, cleaning, but feel bad waking them up.

Here is how my move went:

• Three days before the end of the month, my old apartment complex decided to re-do all the parking lots. For several days, I couldn't park anywhere near my building. That made moving stuff out to the car a joy.


• We left Mike's parents' truck parked overnight, and the apartment complex towed it because it was in a portion of the lot apparently scheduled for re-doing the next day.


• Due to a mis-communication, I lost one of my birds. I had asked Mike to close a screen door, but he didn't realize that I meant right that moment, and as I was moving some cages around that I'd cleaned, one of my non-tame parakeets got out and bolted right for the open door. I left several caged birds on the balcony all day long, hoping that the one that got out would hear his friends and come back for a visit, but there was no sign of him. Because he is not at all tame, it is not likely that he will go to any humans anywhere, so the likelyhood of ever finding him or getting him back is slim to none. I hope he does okay out there.


• 520 was closed all weekend. Traffic on I90 was nuts.


• Mike and his parents were fighting to no end. Often they had long fights just before he was going to run a load, so he'd be much later than I expected. I worried.


• Mikes' parents' truck broke in the middle of one of the runs, at approximately 11:45 pm the night before I had to be out of the old place. There was still plenty of furniture that hadn't yet been moved - several desks, several chairs, and several shelves. If I still had my old station wagon I could have managed, but this stuff just wouldn't fit in my Taurus sedan.


• The Redmond U-Haul didn't have any trucks available until the day after I had to be done. Figures; it was end of the month.


• We did finally get the one last load that mattered on and over on Mike's father's truck, but not before he had hell to pay with his family.


• Someone knocked over a container of bleach during one of the loading sessions, and there's now a bleach spot on the living room carpet that wasn't there before. The carpet was actually in pretty good shape before that.


• The office was a bitchy about things getting delayed and there still possibly being one load of boxes left in the apartment during my scheduled walkthrough, so I don't get to be present for the walkthrough. They're just going to do it on their own time now after I'm gone.


• I was tired, so tired. I took a nap at an inoportune time and Mike got peevy with me.


• Even now, I'm still not quite done - finishing up the last things here and there. And I haven't even begun sorting out all the stuff at the new place.

Sounds like a great time, huh? It sucked. I think it qualifies as my worst move ever.

---

In other news, Brian thinks he's quit blogging. Damn him. His blog is one of my favorites, and checking it - especially to find that he's written something new - makes me so happy. Even if it's something completely inane or trivial. Especially when it's sopping with his caustic wit. So anyhow, screw your happiness, too, Brian Paulson. Go then, if you're going to go. We don't care.

...except that we do. And it sucks.

---

In other other news, Jeremy thinks I swear more these days, at least while blogging. I'm not sure if that's true; maybe I've always sworn more in print. Anyhow, looking back over old entries, I guess I do have a bit of a dirty mouth. I'd apologize, except I don't really feel sorry.

---

In other other other news, Jeremy is going to be here in Seattle for the next week for Potlatch, this ultimate frisbee thing. I told him he could stay at my place if he wanted, and turns out he's going to. Mike's feeling a little insecure, although I don't think he should be. I'm looking forward to it, though. I miss being better friends with Jeremy and look forward to catching up a bit.

Today's a much better day, despite the fact that I'm starving. I have a gynecologist appointment in an hour and a half, and I'm not allowed to eat for 12 hours prior.

My dog got to eat this morning. He was happy. He even downed his meds with relatively little complaint. Boiled rice in chicken broth - yum. I was jealous.

Mike was really good to me last night. He can be the world's best nurturer when he wants to be, and it's absolutely amazing and divinely comforting when he takes on that role. I was feeling quite a bit better by the time I went to sleep, and a good night's sleep was all I needed to shift me over the edge into a good, happy, sunny emotional spot. Thank you Mike.

The dog still has diarrhea. And he was vomiting both this morning and yesterday morning. I was starting to really worry, so this morning we went to the vet. I'm still not sure what exactly is wrong with him, but for today he's on a no-food, no-water, occasional ice cubes diet, to soothe the upset tummy. Tomorrow he starts with bland food -- rice and chicken broth, or lamb and rice, in very small but frequent portions, and he starts antibiotics and some other med to help with the runny stools. Fun fun fun for both of us.

In other news, I left the dance early tonight. Didn't really dance at all. It was the first time in months that I've been at a dance and really just not wanted to be there.

It started off poorly; I was supposed to work the door for the new class session, but was on the east side trying to move some more stuff over. That was another disaster in itself; they're redoing the parking lots over there, so I couldn't park in any lots anywhere near my building. Makes moving anything a real hassle. So I was heading back, and guess what -- traffic. Accidents everywhere. 520 west clogged all the way back to 140th St. I90 bridge standing still. Needless to say, I was quite a bit late, despite having alotted myself "extra" travel time.

The classes were okay, but after classes I ran up to drop off a check for Chris and to check out a new Tango practice venue. Jaimes was supposed to be there, but wasn't. He sent his regards through Susan, and said he might be there tomorrow night. I'm not sure I'll see him at all again before he heads off for his 3 month Alaska sailboat trip. I was also supposed to meet Randy, another tango dancer, about my level, to talk about possibly getting together regularly to practice. He wasn't there either. It wasn't a great time.

So I get back to the swing dance, and I want to dance. But Chris leaves me working the door for the entire 2 hour shift. (Usually people don't work more than 30 or 60 minutes in any given night. Then you still have plenty of time left to enjoy the dance.) And Mike leaves to "take a shower", but never comes back. Isn't there to keep me company while I work the door, isn't there dancing, and isn't there to dance with when I finally get done working. By that time, I'm just so bored out of my mind that I want to be anywhere but there, so I leave and walk home. And here I am.

Blah.

So with what's left of tonight (or tomorrow morning, I suppose), I need to go back to Redmond. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and forgot some paperwork there that I need to bring with me. Oh, and there's all the rest of my stuff to move before Monday. Ew.

The dog's got diarrhea. He was stirring up a storm this morning, trying to wake me up and get my attention, so I got up and took him out. Turns out not until after he'd already dropped a mess in the other room. It's the small things in life.

The war wages on:

Mike and Mary found Cockroach #2 in the kitchen tonight. They were not nearly as kind to #2 as I had been to #1.

When I found #1, I caught him and escorted him outdoors. I threw him off the balcony and he promptly ran back towards the building, possibly into one of the apartments on the lower level.

When Mary found #2, she screamed out to us. Mike bounded into the kitchen, caught the bugger, and in a nearly unparalleled display of manliness smashed #2 against the wall. He then yelped in pain because it hurt his hand.

Theoretically, I suppose #1 and #2 could have been one and the same. We'll see if any more show themselves.

Oil-streaked daisies covered the living room walls.
He put water-colored roses in her hair.
He said, "Love, I love you, I want to give you the mountains,
The sunshine, the sunset too.
I just want to give you a world as beautiful as you are to me."
'Cause I'm a painter, and I want to paint you
A lovely world.

I wish Mary would voice her needs more. She rarely speaks up when she wants or needs something, but is vastly unyhappy when the need is not met. I can't respond to her needs before she becomes unhappy if she doesn't clue me in, and it sucks that it often gets to the point where she's really unhappy before I even realize that there was a problem.

Up, down, up, down... up... down...

I love having Mary here, and it's great spending so much time with Mike - but wow, it's really nice to have a little time and space all to myself.

So I turned on the TV, just for kicks, and I actually get some sort of reception here, even without bunny ears. Better reception than I ever got in Redmond even with the bunny ears. Imagine if I hadn't broken the old bunny ears. Crazy. Welcome back, old friend TV.

I've been doing more nesting. Today I hit the kitchen with bleach again. I've been methodically working my way through all the cupboards, cleaning and disinfecting, and am about 3/4 of the way through now. I found what I believe to have been a cockroach my second day here - fast little bugger. I haven't seen any of the like since, but I decided to thoroughly disinfect anyway. I don't mind most bugs, but cockroaches are not cool. Spiders are great. They eat the less nice insects, mosquitos in particular. They don't eat my food, and they generally live and shit in far corners or somewhere on the floor. Cockroaches eat bacteria in my kitchen, and roam about and shit in my food. Not cool. I also did more cleaning and general arranging of stuff. Already, this place feels more like home than any other apartment has since I lived with Mike in Minneapolis.

So I've started a diary offline - lately I've come to feel that some things just aren't for everyone's eyes, or even for anybody's eyes outside of my own. I thought about keeping it online in a different, non-publicized location - the exhibitionist in me cries out to write someplace where somebody might eventually come along and read what I've written. Then again, I'm doing this to fulfill a need for an outlet for things too personal to share with anyone, particularly those I'm closest to, and if I write in a public space - well, you might just happen along and find it someday. And you might be hurt or confused or upset at the things I say. We can't have that, now can we? Additionally, there's some appeal to always having the diary with me, at my side, and being able to write in it anytime any place, regardless of net access.

I am also started an accounting notebook and a calendar. There's room in my purse now for all of them, and everything is nicely organized. I feel strangely at peace, having done all this.

Tonight I'm going to go through all the old mail I've been ignoring for months. Catch up on bills, make sure I get change of address notice out to everyone I should get it to, copy all my accounting information over into my accounting notebook - exciting, exciting. Bet you wish you could be sharing this with me.

We have phone at the new place. Mostly. I'm writing from here! And it's starting to feel homey. I've been nesting. I haven't nested in a long time... it feels good.

I haven't had a chance to blog for a while - I'm in the middle of moving, and we don't have phone set up at the new place yet. I just wanted to post a note and say that everything's going well, though. Boy-wise, move-wise, life-wise - I'm flying high. No worries; be happy for me.

Dancing ruled last night. Mike went to the dance and danced with me a lot; it was the first time we've danced so much at a dance in a long time. I really liked it. I was also brave enough to ask several people that I've been intimidated by for a while for dances, and those dances went pretty well. A few people complimented me on my dancing, and several people who haven't danced with me much in the past asked me for multiple dances. All in all, probably the best regular venue dance night I've had in weeks. I mean, Thursday night blues ruled, also, but that wasn't regular venue - that was just an exciting tangent. :)

Mike and I talked a lot yesterday, and things are going better. I'm not quite as unhappy, he's not quite as unhappy, and we're both making an effort to enact change in the relationship. Only time will tell, but it feels like things are headed on a better track now.

I called Mike. Surprise, surprise.

I asked if we could get together to talk sometime. He wanted to right now. I told him that Mary was showering, I needed to shower, and we were going to have lunch with Alex, and suggested we meet in a few hours. He flipped out. He says he doesn't have a problem with waiting, but he has a problem with waiting while I'm "with Alex". It turned into another fight. (This is a recurring issue -- he has a problem with me spending time with any friends. He wants to be my first priority 100% of the time.) Why does he always have to be so fucking jealous and possessive? Alex is my best friend. He was here to pick me up last night when I was falling apart. He will be here for me if things work with Mike. He'll be here for me if things don't. I'm not going to cut him off just because Mike is too jealous to allow me to maintain friendships outside of our relationship.

Sigh.

I stuck by my guns. I'm going to meet with Mike in a few hours. Not sure yet how that'll go. Judging from our conversation right now, it doesn't look good, but things can change.

Ha. Following is an excerpt from a recent post on Yehoodi:

Phlurgs Theorem States:

"In order for a lead and follow to dance together, the lead's center has to be able to move the follow's center."

3) Since what really matters is "Are the leader and follower enjoying dancing together?" I have postulated "Son of Cult of Kimmie HM's Very Special Law of Relativity" (based, in part, on Einstein's prior work) which states:

"A dancer's enjoyment of a dance will vary inversely relative to the amount he or she wants their partner to be dancing differently from the way they are dancing. "

4) The corollary "Son of Cult of Kimmie HM's Extra Special Law of Relativity" states:

"Any dissatisfaction will be exacerbated exponentially if you are dancing with a relative or significant other."

Hah. The corollary explains quite a bit about several dances I've had with Mike.

I talked with Solomon for a while on IM this morning. He is such a flirt; worse than I am, maybe. Very attractive, tallented, geeky but in that sexy way that totally gets me, a bit of an ego, but again, just enough that it's a turn on. Reminds me in many ways of many of the guys I've fallen hard for over the years; Jon, Jeremy, Rob, Mike, Chris. But also very attached to someone else, and it's not like I don't have enough going on in my life, so it's not going to be anything more than friendship and flirting. I have a feeling that it's going to turn into a great friendship, though; I'm really looking forward to getting to know him better.

I'm not strong. I hate ending things. I hate letting things end. I told myself that I wasn't going to call him, that every time I open up or put myself out for him, he lashes out and hurts me, and that I can't keep letting that happen. I told myself that he has to make the first move this time if we're going to make up and fix things. I'm still telling myself that, but I'm not sure I'm going to hold out.

Well, it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe
if'n you don't know by now
It ain't no use to sit and wonder why, baby
it don't matter anyhow
When the rooster crows at the break of dawn
look out your window, and I'll be gone
you're the reason I'm travelling on
and don't think twice it's alright

It ain't no use in turning on your light, babe
It's a light I never knowed
It ain't no use in turning on your light, baby -
I'm on the dark side of the road
I wish there were something you could do or say
to try and make me change my mind and stay
we never did too much talking anyway
and don't think twice it's alright

Ain't no use in calling out my name, gal
Like you never done before
It ain't no use in callin' out my name, gal
I can't hear you any more
I'm thinkin' and a-wond'rin' all the way down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I'm told
I give her my heart; she wanted my soul
and don't think twice it's all right

I'm going down that long, lonesome road babe
where I'm going, I can't tell
goodbye is too good a word, babe
so I'll just say, "fare thee well."
I ain't saying you treated me unkind
I coulda done better but I don't mind
you just wasted my precious time
and don't think twice it's alright
don't think twice it's alright.

Mar just played a version of that tune done by the Indigo Girls with Joan Baez. I love the song, but had never heard that particular version. I liked it.

I wish I could be that. I wish I could walk away when I feel like it's time - I just never do. I start walking, but then I turn and look, and then I sit and wait and hope, and then I walk a little more, but walking backwards, and finally I switch my direction altogether and go back. I just can't say enough is enough. I wait until things dwindle and die on their own, instead of taking real action myself. Never anything more than half-action, until the situation has deteriorated enough that it forces an outcome.

Right now I'm sitting 20 feet down the road, all my things scattered about me, facing back towards Mike and hoping he notices. I feel like I should just get up and continue my journey away, but I don't want to. I want him to call out to me and bring me back to him.

Just so that I keep from letting this degenerate into a "everything sucks, my life is shit" sort of blog, I thought I'd mention that the night before last was a pretty damn good night. I opened and closed the Russian Center dance since Chris was off at the Harlem Jazz Dance Festival. That went pretty smoothly. The substitute teachers were good and the DJs were good. The music was all pretty fast, a bit much for the venue (not that there can't be fast at the RC, but I think more of a mix might have fit better). I enjoyed myself.

Then, after the dance, Kevin mentioned that Solomon was having people over to his host's house for after-hours blues. Mary, Kevin, Miles and I all tagged along, and the five of us blues danced the night away until 6 or 7 in the morning. Penny, his host, danced with us as well until 5 am or so. It was heavenly. I've not done much in the way of blues dancing before. It was a good time. Mary enjoyed herself, too. All good.

Last night was not a good night.

Mike and I had a fight. It was about stupid stuff; it always is. But there were bigger issues going on. He feels neglected. I feel frustrated at our inability to talk about that or to work on fixing it. The way he chooses to express himself when we argue makes me feel like he doesn't respect or care about my feelings, because he has a tendancy to cut me short whenever I'm saying anything he doesn't like, either by interrupting me to say something very hurtful, or by walking off. It doesn't matter what my intentions were; if it's phrased in a way that he doesn't like, it's enough to illicit that sort of reaction.

So anyway, I left. I told him I wanted him to come with me, but that I was really upset and needed to be in my own space, not at his parents' house. He didn't want to come. I told him that if he walked off in the middle of our conversation again, I would just leave. He did walk off again. I didn't leave right away -- I waited probably 30 minutes, sitting there in my car, hoping for something from him, although I'm not sure quite what, and hoping that it would not come down to me driving off alone and leaving him -- but it came down to that. It broke my heart.

I meant to go home, get smashed, and indulge in a few cigarettes, something that I haven't done in forever. It was meant to be both a celebration and a mourning session -- I was going to drink to celebrate having had the balls to walk away, and to mourn the possible loss of a relationship that has meant a lot to me, with someone I deeply love. I don't know for sure that it's a loss, but something last night felt very final. Now I'm just sad, and not thinking clearly about it at all.

Alex and Mary had just gotten home when I got there, though, so my plans were aborted. Alex didn't approve, so he stayed with me and tried to be helpfully supportive until I fell asleep. Then he left. I slept until an hour or so ago this morning.

Today's a new day, I guess. We'll see where it takes me.

I was going to post something in my blog the other night, but blogger was down. Now I can't remember what I meant to post. Poo.

OH MY GOODNESS. PC craziness. I knew American textbooks were bad, but I didn't know the were that bad.

Last night sucked. Down in the dumps, bigtime.

Then I had nightmares all night long. Bleh.

I sign the new lease today! That's a pretty good start to the day, yeah? Hopefully the whole day will be better.

I was just reading Jeremy's blog again.

Happiness - I think much of life is about being happy, as well. But I guess we diverge at some point because I feel that if you get caught up too much in planning, you forget to just be. Just being - it's hard, but its a good place to sit, reflect, and be happy. If you don't have it, you might not even notice, but when you don't have it you're missing out on some real happiness. It's too easy in this life to become so busy that you don't even realize how busy you are, what you're not saving time for, and how that affects your ultimate happiness.

It sounds like he has had a rough time recently. I sympathize with him. He said something that I found interesting: "I remember reading an article a ways back that discussed an odd deficiency of our current school system. Namely, schools don't adequately prepare gifted children to deal well with failure. While other students experience failure as a natural part of school, gifted children generally don't, and hence they don't learn how to deal with faliure." I can definitely see how that would apply to him. I think it applies to me, too. I freak out when I hit failure. It's uncharted, scary territory, and I deal with it worse than almost any other crisis situation. I have this innate belief that I can do anything, be anything, and achieve anything, and when I hit rejection or failure it jars pretty deep against my foundations.

Off to clean and pack for the move...

I wrote this last night, but blogger was being funny and wouldn't let me post it:

6/4/2003, 11:30 PM

Today I finalized plans to move into Capitol Hill! I've been running around looking at apartments all week, and I've finally settled on one. It's a really nice place right in the middle of things, and actually pretty affordable. Great big balcony for the dog, nice kitchen, nice layout, nice space, lots of storage. Alex and Chris pushed me to really push my limits and haggle, so I also get free parking, the first half month for free, and the landlord is not going to do a credit check so I don't have to pay that fee. Yippie! He seems like a nice guy. Yay for buildings owned and maintained by real people, instead of corporations. Should be a nice change. Additionally, it will be SO nice not to have to commute back and forth from the east side to the west side anymore.

Next step - find a job in Seattle proper. Whee.

Hmm. I just read her blog. Sigh. I wish she were feeling more secure.

I know she doesn't have friends of her own here. That's why I'm letting her get to know the people I'm friends with - not so I can rub it in, but so that they can be her friends too. They're good people. And that's why I'm trying to get her involved with activities outside the house, like dancing - so that she can make new friends of her own. I know she's scared of people, and I'm trying to help her make a painless transition. I guess I'm not doing a very good job. :(

Bleh.

I'll have to think about that more.

Mary's living here now. So far, it's been really great! I'm so happy to have my little sister here with me.

We're looking at moving into a smaller apartment in Capitol Hill. It'll be squashed, but we'll be right in the middle of everything, and it will be much more affordable. I think it will be alright.

Alex makes the world seem a whole lot brighter. Thank you, Alex. Yesterday was a much better day. Today has the potential to be brighter still. Gettin' things done, Feelin' good...

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I think I'll move to Australia.

I ripped one of my contacts. It was my last pair. I can't wear contacts again now until I buy new ones, and I can't afford to buy them any time soon.

I had to wear my glasses while dancing. I hate wearing my glasses while dancing. It hurts more when you get hit in the head. "You get hit in the head?" asked Tom. Yes. I got elbowed in the face yesterday, just after that conversation, during one of the morning dance classes. While I was wearing my glasses. It hurt.

My glasses don't fit. They make my head hurt. The lenses are also the wrong prescription; they're outdated by about two years. I can still see, but I get a headache after a while. I should get new glasses, but that also costs money.

I'm going to move to Australia.

I heard back from UW. I guess I won't be going there in the summer. I can reapply for another quarter, winter or later, but that doesn't address what happens now. I meant to apply to SCCC and to SU as backups, but I didn't. I still could, but I'm not sure I will. I don't really want to go to those schools anyway. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I stretched out my money for a long time, but I've finally hit the limit. It can't stretch anymore. I have enough to pay rent at the end of this month, but nothing more. So I need to figure out what to do about that.

Boys, boys, boys. Always a problem. I have relationship troubles up the wazoo, and want to just hit my head against a wall.

I blew out a tire last night while driving my friend Tom to the airport so that he could fly back to TX. We were already running a little late. Alex was with us, and together they changed the tire and put on my dinky spare in hyperspeed time. We had just left a dance, so we called someone still there and some really nice dancers stopped and picked up Tom to drive him the rest of the way to the airport, since, with the spare, my car is no longer fit for highway driving.

Alex took me home with him, kept me on his couch for the night, and put up with me crying a lot. I'm still at his place. He lives on the west side of the Lake Washington, where we were dancing, so we were able to get there on city streets. My car is still on this side of the water. The most reasonable routes over the water involve driving on freeway bridges. That's out until I fix my tire. Fixing tires costs money. As noted before, I really don't have any to spare. Alex wants to get me a new tire for a belated birthday present, instead of the dance shoes he'd been planning on getting me, but he already gives me so much and does so much for me. I don't feel right accepting more from him.

I am unhappy. Everything's going wrong, and I don't have the faintest idea where to start putting things back together.

Anyhow, Alex is going to drive me home to take care of my dog and birds. I don't know what I'll do from there, but I'll probably post an update later. Signing off now. - K.

Mike is far too good to me. We were cleaning frantically yesterday morning, so that my apartment could be at least somewhat respectable for a dancer friend from Austin who is staying with me this weekend, and he did far more than his share. I realized today that I'm not sure I really let him know how much I appreciated it; I'll have to remember to do that later. I don't want to take it forgranted.

Blah.

All my roses are dead or dying.

Why do I find cleaning so painful?

Jeremy responded to some of my earlier comments in his blog recently. At least I think he was responding to me -- hard to tell, seeing as he spelled my name wrong. ;-) I guess it makes up for all the times I pronounced his name Germ-ee just to spite him.

I'm only laughing on the outside
My smile is just skin deep
If you could see inside I'm really crying
You might join me for a weep.

(Yes, I really watched Tim Burton's Batman for the first time ever just yesterday.)

A Tip

Those
who can write
have a
lot to
learn from those
bright
enough
not to.

Piet Hein

Jeremy, I dreamed about blogger last night. I dreamed that they'd implemented an easy way to allow comments on each entry. (I'm addressing this to you since you're the one that whined about not being able to comment on my entries.) ;-)

Alas, it was just a dream. Or maybe a sign that I should get my butt in gear and figure out something like that for my page on my own.

I was reading Jeremy's blog this morning. He's doing a "100 things about me" list. Interesting idea.

I think it might be just as interesting, if not more so, to see a "100 things about So-and-So" list done be someone other than the subject, preferably someone who has been fairly close to them at some point in their life. I'm sure I'd list at least a number of different things about Jeremy than he would about himself, or vice-versa.

Perhaps I'll do a list like that sometime. Or perhaps I'll have a guest blogger do a list about me. Or both. 'twould be interesting to see how the two lists differed.

Wearing wet pants is remarkably unpleasant.

My washing machine broke while doing laundry the other day. The motor pooped out and it would no longer spin or drain. I hand wrung all the clothes and tossed them in the dryer, and then poof, partway through the cycle the dryer broke too. I was in a hurry and all my pants were in the load I was doing, so I wore a pair of slightly damp overalls and hung everything else up to dry.

The pants dried on their own fairly quickly (I was in the car and sped the process up by venting lots of air at myself), but the bit of time while they were wet was still pretty icky feeling.

Yay for dry clothes, and yay for working dryers. Mine is fixed now. I think. I hope. So says the note from the maintenance guy, anyhow.

I finished reading "Kitchen" by Banana Yoshimoto today. A bit of a light read, but really good. I thought of Jeremy while reading it; I think he'd really like it. Even the reviews at the beginning of the book lend that impression: "Ms. Yoshimoto's writing is . . . as emotionally observant as Jane Smiley's, as fluently readable as Anne Tyler's." -- The New York Times, Jane Smiley being one of Jeremy's all-time favorite authors. So Jeremy, if you're out there, you should check this book out. Good stuff.

I thought of Jeremy last weekend, too. I was working a dance workshop, and they fed us lunch from World Wraps. Yum. I think it's the first time I've had that since Jeremy moved back to Atlanta.

I just took a half-assed Myers-Briggs type test. It still listed me as INFP (I=22%, N=56%, F=78%, P=67%), same as I got on the more complete test back in my high school days. I'll have to dig around and see if I can find a more complete test on the net to see if it says the same thing.

According to the informational blurbs following, only 1% of the general population shares my type. A. A. Milne was an INFP. So is Calvin of Calvin and Hobbes, if fictional characters count for anything. Yay me. Yay Calvin. Yay Pooh.

Wired News, Making It Harder for Prying Eyes - "A bill in the California state legislature would protect the anonymity of Internet users by requiring Internet service providers to send customers copies of subpoenas seeking to learn their identities."

Cool stuff. I wish all states would do that.

There's no more coming back this way
the path is overgrown and strewn with thorns
They've torn the lifeblood from your naked eyes
cast aside to be forlorn

In the terms of endearment
In the terms of the life that you love
In the terms of the years that pass you by
In the terms of the reasons why

Funny how it seems that all I've tried to do
seemed to make no difference to you at all

---

I may take a holiday in Spain
leave my wings behind me
drink my worries down the drain
and fly away to somewhere new

Hop on my choo choo
I'll be your engine driver in a bunny suit
If you dress me up in pink and white
we may be just a little fuzzy 'bout it later tonight

Well, she's my angel -
she's a little better than the one that used to be with me
'cause she liked to scream at me
Man, it's a miracle that she's not living up in a tree

I may take a holiday in Spain
leave my wings behind me
drive this little girl insane
and fly away to someone new

boo on me. :(

I talked a lot with Mike tonight for the first time in a while. It was good. Also talked with Jeremy, although only for a very short while; it was nice hearing his voice. And then I spent a while catching up with Mary on IM. All in all, it's been a pleasant evening. I'm feeling a bit more grounded now that I've done a bit of reconnecting.

Life is good.

My car has a tic.

Sometimes, for whatever reason, it willl give a swipe with its windshield wipers. Usually just one swipe. Often when I am turning left. For the most part, this is just a cute idiosyncrasy -- I love my car all the more because it is unique in this way.

Recently, however, the car has suffered some damage as a result of this tic. Windshield wipers, when wiping on a dry windshield, fight against much more friction than they do when wiping on a wet windshield. My car wipes indiscriminantly, often when the glass is dry, to the detriment of the passenger side wiper which has begun to fall apart. It has torn the rubber all up, and I'm going to need to replace it soon before it starts wiping metal against glass and does some real damage.

My poor neurotic car -- we're just two peas in a pod.

By the way, yes, my phone has been reconnected. Not that I'm ever home. Feel free to call again and leave messages, at least until the answering machine fills up and accepts no more.

So I went and hung out today with the folk that were involved in the Microsoft Theatre Troup's spring production of Shakespeare's "Measure for Measure" with me last year. We watched a DVD of the last show we put on.

It felt like a mistake. Most of these aren't people I was ever particularly close to. I dated one of them at one point, and ended up deciding I didn't really like him at all as a person. He was there, as was another girl from the cast that he started dating way back when and is apparently still with, in some capacity. Almost none of the people from the cast that I really liked showed up. I shared some good conversation with two people there, but for the most part I felt like an outsider. It wasn't even the sort of outside where you wish you were "in", but more the sort where you're happy enough not to be in the inner circle and would be just as happy off spending your time in some other manner with other company.

I'm not good at letting go of things and moving on, but I guess some things are better left behind. Bleh.

One guy there who I did connect with is really immersed in work these days. He's not really happy, and doesn't have time or energy to cultivate any sort of life outside of work. It reminded me of how I felt, about a year ago, and made me feel lucky that I got out of that environment. I'm a much happier person these days, I think. He's a cool guy; I hope he manages to get out of the rut he's in. His wife is apparently pretty unhappy, too; I wish the best to both of them.

Yes, I am aware (now) that my phone has been disconnected. I'm such a dumbass.

I'm working on fixing that. Fixing the phone disconnection, anyway.

Mike is apparently dying of whooping cough. Poor Mikey. I feel for him.

I parked my car in a dark, scary alleyway last night. As I was walking out of the alleyway after parking, I passed a bum sleeping in a doorway.

This morning, I walked back down the same alleyway to pick up my car. It was a completely different world; the sun was out, people were walking their dogs, and the bum from the night before was awake, curled up in his doorway reading a novel.

Reading a novel!

I guess somewhere, deep down, I had some sort of deep seated belief that all bums were illiterate, because this floored me. Kathryn the small-minded.

Heck, if I were a bum, I'd be happy to spend my days sitting in the sunshine reading novels. Homelessness can happen to anyone, or so I've heard -- why should I file homeless people away into some sub-human pocket in my mind, even subconsciously? Why should I assume that homeless people couldn't or wouldn't want to spend their free time reading boooks?

Feh.

Girls are so much softer than boys.

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

So says the Enneagram test. I think the "Conscious self" is probably pretty close. I'm not quite as sure about the "Overall self"; I'm not sure I'm quite as steady, dependable, or faithful as it would make me out to be. I also tend to prefer listening to talking, because if you talk too much you let out too much about yourself and lose some measure of control. ;-)

Mary said I should update my blog, because it told her it feels neglected.

So...

Umm...

Hmm.

I haven't been in a very prolific mood lately. I did find some writing I'd done early on in college while digging through some old papers yesterday, though, and was considering typing some of that up and posting it on the web. It's nothing amazing; a bit of trite poetry, a few short fiction pieces, and a couple of essays that were semi-decent, but they were still better than I remembered them being. So, yeah. Check in every so often, and perhaps you'll find those linked up sometime soon. Excitement galore.

Other news in my life:

My dog is happy. I got him new dogfood today. And we went for a walk -- he got to bark at a UPS truck, at a cat, and at another dog. I wonder if UPS trucks make some sort of noise that is outside the typical human's hearing range; Louie never barks at other cars or trucks, just at the UPS one.

My birds are happy. The sun is shining and their window is open.

I finally dug up my original ACT score report so that I could request that a score report be sent to UW. Both the SAT and the ACT require you to know the exact month and year in which you took the test, in order for them to be able to send out score reports. I knew I took them in '95 or so, but the month was a stumper. It turns out that 10/95 is the magical date on which I took my ACT.

So, having finished off that score report request, I'm done dealing with all external materials for my college transfer applications. Now I've just got to get my butt in gear and finish up my personal statements, and I'm good to go. That's work for this afternoon, maybe.

My tango teacher offered me a deal; I'm going to do some administrative work for he and his wife and possibly code them up a bit of software to help with stuff as well, and in return they're going to give me free private lessons. He's being all formal about it. It's a 1:1 ratio; I get one hour of private lessons for each hour of work. The lessons are transferrable -- I could pass them on to friends or such -- but for now I think I'm going to use them myself. He's also going to feed me lunch two or three times a week, and once in a while we'll go walk around greenlake -- that's the employee health benefits package. ;-) Yay for bartering. It kicks ass.

Seattle is really starting to feel like home. I hope school here works out.

Anyhow, I'm sure there's more, but I can't think of anything offhand and I need to run. More later.

From today's copy of the Rochester Post Bulletin:

Last week's Hot Topic question: "What do you think about the media's coverage of the war in Iraq and the U.S. military's 'embedded' journalist program?"

Here are some of the responses we received:

. . .

Unethical journalism

The media often used the terms "pro-war" and "pro-troops" to mean the same, and therefore perpetuates the myth that to oppose this particular war is to not support our troops. Nothing could be further from the truth, and therefore it's unethical journalism. The vast majority of citizens opposed to this particular war are 100 percent supportive of the troops. There's even a group forming (Parents with Children in Iraq) that's opposed to this war.

Also, why isn't it being more widely reported that relatives of victims of the 9-11 disaster are bringing a class-action law suit against, not Iraq, but Saudi Arabia? Most of those terrorists were Saudi -- none Iraqi.

"Imbedded" journalists, if they're not controlled and maintain their journalistic integrity, are good. They can witness and report the atrocities of war, immediately as it happens.

I'm against this particular war, but, God speed our troops. Win the war quickly, with minimum casualties, and return home soon.

Gene Kivi
Rochester

Deplores word games

Fox news coverage of the attack on a U.S. base in Kuwait was bothersome to me. I have a son in Kuwait.

Headlines repeated that "terrorists" had attacked the camp. They hyped the story, saying it looked like an Iraqi "terrorist" group had snuck across the border to "terrorize" our soldiers. Normally, once you declare war on a country, and launch bombing attacks described by the Pentagon as a "21st century blitzkrieg," you wouldn't label the enemy army "terrorists" because they fight back. Unless you're waging a PR campaign.

Later news updates clarified that it wasn't "terrorists," but a U.S. soldier who launched an internal attack. In my vocabulary, if he is indeed guilty, that soldier fully lives up to the definition of "terrorist."

I can only assume Fox news doesn't believe any American could ever be a "terrorist," no matter how horrendous the crime.

Don't get me wrong. As the mother of one of those soldiers marching into Iraq, I fully support our troops and I love my country. But just as a mother can love her children without approving of or condoning everything they do, I'm becoming more and more ashamed of much of what the current administration is doing. And I deplore the word games the media seems to resort to in order to defend it!

Janet Krueger
Rochester

. . .

Janet Krueger is my mother. Gene Kivi is a friend of hers, and she helped him with part of his letter. Go mommy!

"God bless our troops when they are dodging bullets but God help them when they come home..."

I just got done playing my first ultimate frisbee game in a while. Man; I thought I was in shape, but I was huffing and puffing after just a few points.

On the bright side, I had a nice lay-out for a score on my first point in. It was a great way to start off with the new team -- everybody was all of a sudden all excited to have me on.

Brian's blog is so much prettier than mine, now that he changed up his template. He's got a kick-ass cheese graphic! Where's my cheese? And Zump's blog allows for user comments. I should really fix mine up sometime soon.

Brain prosthesis! Cool beans.

I love you, Lotte.

Apparently, although Lenny Kravitz is now voicing his opinion and has recorded the afore-mentioned antiwar song, he hasn't actually voted in years and years. Interesting link, Brian -- thanks. ;-)

Rock the Vote and Lenny Kravitz today announced a new song by Kravitz called "We Want Peace," which will be available exclusively at Rock the Vote's website. The song, which says, "There won't be peace if we don't try" is an urgent call from Lenny Kravitz for America to be a peaceful leader in the world. Kravitz wrote the song and performed it with Kazem Al Sahir, Iraq's #1 pop music artist, who is better known as the Iraqi Diplomatic Ambassador of the world and a true legend of Arabic Music. In addition, the song features Palestinian musician Simon Shaheen on strings and Lebanese artist Jamey Hadded on percussion.

Lenny Kravitz, teaming up with an Iraqi artist to create his own act of protest -- pretty cool. It causes me to have a bit more respect for the guy.

R.E.M, the Beastie Boys, DJ Shadow, Zach de la Rocha, and Greenday are also among those who have released anti-war songs. Good for them.

Because there are things I need to get done today, I spent much of my morning procrastinating and browsing the web. I like the NYTimes website, I've decided. It may be my favorite US news site at the moment.

NY Times articles of interest:

• More coverage of the US Supreme Court's Texas Sodomy Law case.


• Op-Ed: Casualties at Home. It's kind of scary what Congress is up to, and scary how it gets lost in the mass of war coverage.


• Another opinion piece on current Congressional activities...


• Washington Trying to Curb U.N. Role in a Postwar Iraq. Apparently, we're determined to continually snub the U.N. as best we can.

One more site that I was particularly impressed with:

• DigitalConsumer.org: Protecting fair-use rights in the digital world. These guys have got an impressive news section.

Today at the DMV, there was a group of people running surveys about travel on 520, gauging how we'd react if they were to make the 520 bridge into a toll bridge.

There was an age bracket question in the survey. I had to choose the 25-40 age bracket. I've moved up. Blah.

---

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED, That the citizens of the State of Washington do hereby proclaim that Tim Eyman is a Horse's Ass.

---

They didn't ask me today whether or not I wanted to be an organ donor. I forgot to explicitly tell them so. Now I'm afraid it won't be marked on my licence -- ptooey.

---

Texas Penal Code section 21.06, the "Homosexual Conduct Statute,"...criminalizes sexual acts between homosexuals, even if the acts are consensual. Texas is one of only four states to have such a law targeting homosexuals...

...The defendants then appealed to the US Supreme Court to have their convictions overturned and the law deemed unconstitutional...

...Oral arguments were heard on March 26, 2003, and a decision is expected by June. Initial reports suggest that the justices were split on the issue, with Rehnquist and Scalia in support of upholding the law, Souter and Breyer in support of overturning the law, with the position of the other five justices unclear.

The Texas Human Rights Foundation: Lawrence & Garner v. Texas

Side notes:

• As recently as 1960, every state had a sodomy law. In 37 states, the statutes have been repealed by lawmakers or blocked by state courts.


• Four states -- Texas, Kansas, Oklahoma, and Missouri -- ban "deviate sexual intercourse" just between same-sex couples. There are nine other states with sodomy laws on the books, but they apply to everyone, instead of being targeted solely at homosexuals.

Geez. I can't believe that, here we are in the 21st century, and the US Supreme Court vote on this issue could go either way. How can educated people be so closed-minded and intollerant?

I heard some of Rehnquist's and Scalia's oral arguments quoted on NPR today. Crazy. It scares me that these people have so much power over our freedoms and civil liberties.

---

TCPA - bad. Definitely not a fan.

I was telling my friend Chris the other day that my dog, on the rare occasion when he has an accident and dumps inside, will try to hide it. He'll cover it up with dirty clothes, papers, or whatever he can find.

Chris was amazed that a dog, whose world revolves around smell, would learn that sort of behavior. "Hiding" poo doesn't get rid of the smell -- to the dog, the presence of said poo is still quite obvious. The only reason to hide the poo is to confuse silly humans, who have a less acute sense of smell.

I was kind of amazed, too, once I thought about things in that light. My dog is so smart.

I'm now the proud owner of a WA State Driver's Licence. I ended up getting 100% on the test, which made me feel silly for having worried about it.

Happy birthday me.

Technically, I guess I'm not 25 for another 16 hours yet. But it's close enough.

The crew at Mike and Jared's place gave me a cake, lots of presents, and lots of wonderful cards tonight. I feel so loved. I'm sad that Kirsten and Kristen are moving to NYC this summer, that Tiff is moving to NV this fall, and that Mike and Jared are moving to AZ sometime next year. They're a wonderful group of people; I'll really miss them all.

Bummer.

Sigh.

On a semi-related note, I realized today that my driver's licence expires tomorrow. Gotta do something about that.

Another war, another burst of national idiocy

Depressed about all the hoopola going on right now with the Dixie Chicks (whatever happened to free speech?), I browsed around and finally on the above article. Good stuff. It echoes some of my sentiments, anyhow.

Here are a few bits from posts in my swing dance forum that got me thinking:

What are you going to study in grad school?

Do you hate your job because of the specific tasks you need to perform, or is it more the idea behind what you are doing (i.e., nobody reads it anyway and it's at grade school level; not an effective use of your training to be a writer)?

When I feel unmotivated to do the excruciatingly boring parts of my job (grading papers often comes to mind), I set mini-goals for myself and reward myself afterward. I also find that procrastinating until the very last minute creates enough tension to keep things interesting. :) With that extra fire under my butt, I am amazingly efficient.

...

If you are at the end of your procrastination rope and are inundated with projects, that may be also leading to lack of interest in your job, 'cause it's overwhelming right now.

Can you organize each project into stacks (or folders, if they are online) and stack the most pressing one on top and just start muscling through (with lots of treats standing by for each time you complete one)? That's what I try to do with my ocean of work (which you will note I am not doing right now). If the most pressing project is too overwhelming, I sometimes start with the easiest ones in order to just get some feeling of accomplishment going (checking things off the checklist feels good).

...

Anne

This is good stuff for me to keep in mind when I go back to work or school, and even now on a daily basis. I really suck at breaking things down. I'm not great at motivating myself.

Blah.

I was away this weekend. While I was gone, three men forced their way into an apartment here and robbed the owners at gunpoint. There was a rash of car break-ins. Several cars were stolen. The plates off of some cars were stolen and replaced with other stolen plates.

Crazy.

Happily, my car was sitting in Capitol Hill. Not the best place for a car, necessarily, but apparently much better these past few days than the lot at my apartment complex.

Another gem from the newsgroup:

One helpful piece: A request is not a demand. I can ask for some help. But the person I ask can turn it down. Conversely, I can
turn them down when they ask. -- seems that the people who have the worst time about asking for help are those who won't refuse. You're equals, so can ask for and offer help freely, and decline equally freely.

(Robert Grumbine, Re: Who's the craziest? Winner gets a prize...)

I have trouble asking for help. I've never really thought about it in those terms, but I do have trouble refusing others. Perhaps some of my guilt in asking for help does stem, at least in part, from an assumption that the other party is incapable of saying "no". Interesting.

A GREEN Dragon Lies Beneath!

I took the Inner Dragon online quiz and found out I am a Green Dragon on the inside. My Inner Dragon is the embodiment of Nature and the Earth. Greens spend almost all of their time below the canopy or just above the treetops in tropical rain forests. Not a bad life considering every other creature in the forest looks up to me, figuratively and literally. I speak the language of every animal and plant in my domain and know most of them by first name. If people mess with my forests, I'm more than happy to wail on their puny butts. Because of my protector/caretaker role, I am the Earth Elemental dragon.

Naturally my whole life pretty much revolves around the other couple million species I keep an eye on, but that's not my whole dragon. I also like to like to impose my steadfast will on others, commune with Nature, and lobby governments for alternative fuels and conservation. My favorable attributes are gemstones, mountains, caves, soil, respect, endurance, responsibility, prosperity, and purpose in life. Folks shouldn't get the idea I'm a hippy pushover though, because my breath weapon is a nasty Fire/Acid combination. Maybe I should invest in a hemp shirt reading "Don't knock my smock, or I'll clean your clock." *wink*

Alex says those descriptions look pretty bogus. I, unfortunately, do not know my dragons very well, so I can't say one way or another how the descriptions fly.